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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want a proper engagement ring and a wedding?

153 replies

paperbin · 07/08/2017 10:30

I have been with my partner for about 7 years. I was married before for 15 years or so, 2 grown up children. He was with his ex for 20 years, 3 grown up kids. They were never actually married although she did call herself Mrs.
We live in a house we bought 50/50, jointly pay mortgage, bills etc. He earns more than me so puts a bit more into the kitty.
About 4 years ago, Christmas, he gave me a ring. Its very pretty. I put it on my left hand, and friends then congratulated us on our 'engagement'.
But he never asked me to marry him. When I ask 'are we engaged?' he says we are, but then says he doesn't believe in marriage. I tell him that if we are engaged, then that is a promise to marry!
Lots of people at work are engaged/having weddings.
A couple of months ago, I noticed someone at work had the same ring as me on her right hand - it was a birthday pressie from her kids!
By now I had given up thoughts of actually getting married so moved the ring to my RH. He never even noticed.

Recently, some close friends got engaged. She showed off her amazing ruby ring which they bought in Barcelona. The wedding is in September. Another couple got engaged - wedding is next year. I started noticing engagement rings more, and decided mine is definitely not one! I also read that the average paid for one is now around £1000 or even 1 to 2 months wages. Mine is the equivalent of a day!
I feel confused and upset. He 'says' we are engaged.
He will not set any date for a wedding. (I would only want a register office and a few pints down the pub type thing, nothing fancy).
My ring is not an engagement ring - I was actually embarrassed when someone asked to see it. I know this makes me sound like a gold digger but I am not - just want things to be 'right'.
So, AIBU to want a proper proposal and a proper ring?

OP posts:

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 07/08/2017 10:59

Very little point having a 'proper' engagement ring whatever that is when you aren't engaged. He doesn't want to marry you so he didn't propose to you. You took matters into your own hands, decided you were engaged anyway and he's gone with that for a quiet life but he still doesn't want to marry you. I am cringing a bit tbh. You're totally fixated on the wrong thing.

DonaldStott · 07/08/2017 10:59

He doesn't want to get married. I am. cringing for you.

Original poster

paperbin · 07/08/2017 10:59

Thank you for the replies.

The cost of the ring is actually not important, but I do feel 'short changed' as his previous partner had a 'proper' ring. She gave it to her eldest son to give to his new fiancé at new year.

Just after giving me the ring, I did ask him again if we were engaged and he said yes so said you are supposed to actually say 'will you marry me' then. So he did.
But that was end of it really. When friends in pub ask when WE are getting married he makes quips like '2050' or 'when the right woman comes along'. Initially I found it funny. But with all the weddings going on at the moment, it grates.

OP posts:

hiphopcat · 07/08/2017 11:00

If he hasn't offered/agreed to marry you, then you're not engaged. I think the fact that he has given you a ring as a present has muddied the waters. You seem very unclear over whether it is an engagement ring, and that's probably why you are considering the cost, as a way to help you decipher what's going on.

But surely if he'd proposed, ( or accepted a proposal from you) you'd know. The fact that you're confused speaks volumes. He hasn't proposed. It isn't an engagement ring.

This ^ He didn't propose, and he doesn't want to marry you sorry OP.

And I agree with the posters that say you seem a bit obsessed with the cost of the ring. And you DO seem to be wanting to get married 'because others are doing it.'

Not being funny but, this seems like the behaviour of a 19 year old whose cousins and mates are all getting wed, and she feels left out, not a middle aged woman who has been married before and has grown up children. Why the desperation for a fancy wedding and a flash ring?

As someone said upthread, it's utter bollocks that a man needs to spend 2-3 months salary on a ring. It's the sentiment that counts, not the cost.

You do sound very shallow and showy @paperbin. Maybe your partner thinks this too, and this is why he is holding back from marrying you.

kel1234 · 07/08/2017 11:00

Sounds like you just want a big expensive ring to me. Two months salary is a joke. I'd of returned the ring and got a far cheaper one myself if my husband had spent that much.
Neither my husband or I got new rings. My 3 rings are family heirlooms, and his ring is one he's had for years but never wore. It's not about expensive rings, it's about commitment and the vows you make.
It sounds like he doesn't want that commitment, whether that's just at the moment, or more long term I of course have no idea. But I think you need to talk to him about it.

SpareChangeDownTheSofa · 07/08/2017 11:00

You sound like hard work OP.

He didn't propose but you just assumed and put the ring on your left hand?

He doesn't want to marry you and you seem like you're trying to twist his arm into agreeing. Either accept you're not getting married or move on.

HoobleDooble · 07/08/2017 11:01

I never got a formal proposal, we decided that we wanted a child/children and wanted to be married first, but were getting on a bit, so we agreed (one night in the pub) "If we're both happy in a year's time, we'll get engaged then set a date" ... and that's what we did.

I was previously engaged, he proposed with the old diamond solitaire, 7 years later I was finding myself being knocked back every time I suggested setting a date ... so I dumped him and moved on to better things.

SpareChangeDownTheSofa · 07/08/2017 11:01

Also I think you need to watch this...

hiphopcat · 07/08/2017 11:01

Just read your post above mine there ^ You want a flash ring because his previous partner had one......

Oh dear.

aramintafatbottom · 07/08/2017 11:01

It's not funny though is it. It's embarrassing at best and extremely hurtful at worst.

You will end up resenting him. My honest advice would to be leave him and find someone who wants to marry you. Why should you settle for him?

nikiforov · 07/08/2017 11:02

Why should an engagement ring be expensive? Why does someone having the same ring as a gift make it bad? I'm assuming it's a Pandora one or similar.

reuset · 07/08/2017 11:02

But he never asked me to marry him.

Just after giving me the ring, I did ask him again if we were engaged and he said yes so said you are supposed to actually say 'will you marry me' then. So he did
Ah, the drip feed. Why do you keep asking if you're engaged then if he actually proposed...

MeganBacon · 07/08/2017 11:03

It sounds like you feel like the ring is "not quite right" in the same way that the engagement is "not quite right". And I think that's perfectly understandable for you to feel that way.

So why not just talk to him about wanting to be married, and get a decision one way or another on that? I bet if you were actually married the ring would bother you much less.

RhubardGin · 07/08/2017 11:04

Just after giving me the ring, I did ask him again if we were engaged and he said yes so said you are supposed to actually say 'will you marry me' then. So he did

This makes no sense, sorry OP. It just sounds odd

reuset · 07/08/2017 11:06

It does sound odd. Plus she's says he never actually asked her to marry him in the OP.

coconutwater1 · 07/08/2017 11:07

All this spend 'X' amount of wages on an engagement ring was a advertisement slogan from De Beers, to get people to spend more, and prob make the guys feel pretty rubbish if they spent less.

All because you told by persuasive advertising by diamond cartel many years ago.

hiphopcat · 07/08/2017 11:08

From your OP

But he never asked me to marry him. When I ask 'are we engaged?' he says we are, but then says he doesn't believe in marriage

So he never asked you to marry him then! And he doesn't want to get married.

Yet in a later post you said he did.

Why are you changing your story OP?

Original poster

paperbin · 07/08/2017 11:08

It does sound odd. Plus she's says he never actually asked her to marry him in the OP.

Sorry - new to this thing, didn't reread before posting

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 07/08/2017 11:08

I don't think the issue is the ring, it's the grudging way this guy is dealing with the OP's future.

MidnightAura · 07/08/2017 11:10

It sounds like this guy is just saying what the OP wants to hear.

Why do you want to marry a man who doesn't want to marry you? And is even telling friends he will get married "when the right woman comes along?" That's not a joke, that's humiliating. Have some self respect OP!

SEsofty · 07/08/2017 11:10

I still can't get over the fact that you put a ring on your wedding finger and then just assumed you were engaged.

Have you actually Sat him down and said that I want to be married for x, y, z tax reasons etc. And then the two of you can pop down to the registry office and do it.

If you want a big party, have a party.

If you want a flashy ring, buy yourself a flashy ring

hiphopcat · 07/08/2017 11:12

Why do you want to marry a man who doesn't want to marry you? And is even telling friends he will get married "when the right woman comes along?"

I missed that bit! Fucking hell!

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 07/08/2017 11:12

The cost of the ring is actually not important, but I do feel 'short changed' as his previous partner had a 'proper' ring. She gave it to her eldest son to give to his new fiancé at new year.

You sound about 5.

My DH exW had a big ring. Mine is more modest. I couldn't give two hoots.

I don't think the issue is the ring, it's the grudging way this guy is dealing with the OP's future.

He has as much right to say he doesn't want to marry as she has to want to.

He didn't propose. The OP jumped to conclusions.

Neutrogena · 07/08/2017 11:13

Have a proper talk with him.
Don't speculate on the internet. Just speak to him

RhubardGin · 07/08/2017 11:14

He clearly doesn't want to get married and has just been placating you.

If you want to get married you'll have to leave this relationship.

You made it clear that you had to ask him if you were engaged because you didn't know but then say he actually said "will you marry me" after you coaxed it out of him?

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