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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want a proper engagement ring and a wedding?

153 replies

paperbin · 07/08/2017 10:30

I have been with my partner for about 7 years. I was married before for 15 years or so, 2 grown up children. He was with his ex for 20 years, 3 grown up kids. They were never actually married although she did call herself Mrs.
We live in a house we bought 50/50, jointly pay mortgage, bills etc. He earns more than me so puts a bit more into the kitty.
About 4 years ago, Christmas, he gave me a ring. Its very pretty. I put it on my left hand, and friends then congratulated us on our 'engagement'.
But he never asked me to marry him. When I ask 'are we engaged?' he says we are, but then says he doesn't believe in marriage. I tell him that if we are engaged, then that is a promise to marry!
Lots of people at work are engaged/having weddings.
A couple of months ago, I noticed someone at work had the same ring as me on her right hand - it was a birthday pressie from her kids!
By now I had given up thoughts of actually getting married so moved the ring to my RH. He never even noticed.

Recently, some close friends got engaged. She showed off her amazing ruby ring which they bought in Barcelona. The wedding is in September. Another couple got engaged - wedding is next year. I started noticing engagement rings more, and decided mine is definitely not one! I also read that the average paid for one is now around £1000 or even 1 to 2 months wages. Mine is the equivalent of a day!
I feel confused and upset. He 'says' we are engaged.
He will not set any date for a wedding. (I would only want a register office and a few pints down the pub type thing, nothing fancy).
My ring is not an engagement ring - I was actually embarrassed when someone asked to see it. I know this makes me sound like a gold digger but I am not - just want things to be 'right'.
So, AIBU to want a proper proposal and a proper ring?

OP posts:
RaindropDreams · 07/08/2017 12:52

My ring was £149 from a pawn shop! Yes, a pawn shop! My husband and I were both out of work at the time (no fault of our own) the proposal was not planned so he hasn't bought a ring. He then asked me and panicked about a ring as we weren't exactly flush. About 2 weeks later we were passing a jewellers/pawn shop and I saw a lovely ring in the window. He was horrified at me wanting a second hand ring but I didn't care. Yes I wanted a ring but it didn't need to be expensive or flash, I wanted something small. The price means nothing, it's what it symbolises that is important. By the time we got married we were working and so had a nice wedding in a hotel but it wasn't extravagant or hugely expensive.

I'm not surprised he doesn't believe in marriage when it seems to all come down to cost with you. Think about it .... you are taking the meaning away .... if you loved him then money wouldn't mean anything x

PyongyangKipperbang · 07/08/2017 12:53

"You sound needy and desperate......I dont mean that in a cruel way"

I would hate to see what you would post if you were being cruel!

The fact is that marriage is important to the OP, I dont see that as beeing needy or desperate at all. Whatever your feelings about it, marriage does give you certain rights and protections within law that cohabiting doesnt give you, next of kin status being one. Yes he did say from the start that he didnt want to get married but then he says that they are engaged, so you cant blame the OP for thinking that he had changed his mind when he so clearly said that he had! I just feel that he is saying whateer the OP wants to hear in order to keep her in the relationship but never following through and thats not on.

CockacidalManiac · 07/08/2017 12:54

marriage to me is stability and security. We bought a house together, so that is a massive commitment from both of us. but I am a traditionalist.

I take it that you've had sex with him? Not so much of a 'traditionalist' then (whatever that means).

reuset · 07/08/2017 12:55

but then when it comes to the crunch whipping out the old "I dont believe in marriage"

He told her that at the very beginning, at the point where she assumed they were engaged and asked him.

Pengggwn · 07/08/2017 13:17

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 07/08/2017 13:19

"Why didn't you discuss marriage before buying a house if that is so important to you? "

I don't get that either-or living together indefinitely.

"I did say which hand do I put it on and he said choose."

You seem to be trying so hard Op, but he's not taking the bait.

aramintafatbottom · 07/08/2017 13:22

He's not "taking the bait" but he's not answering her honestly is He? She's giving him as much opportunity to say no as she is yes. It's not hard to say no. It's not an engagement ring. Put it on your right hand.

SpartacusSaiman · 07/08/2017 13:25

Pen why the biscuit?

Op says she wants to be married brcause she is a traditionalist. Except she isnt traditional in the slightest.

womisacu1 · 07/08/2017 13:26

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Donttouchthethings · 07/08/2017 13:31

OP, I can relate to what you're saying. (I'm engaged after many years together to someone who used to say he wasn't bothered about getting married but now really wants to.)

I'd suggest that you work out what YOU want. For example, it might be that you'd actually like more financial security, in which case you could see a solicitor about wills, the deeds and ensuring the insurances come to you if he dies (as applicable). I'd suggest you start the process of looking after yourself in this way. You might find that he starts to get on board more as you go along but even if he doesn't, at least you'll know where you stand and have some protection in place.

I used to really want a 'proper ring' too. Then I realised that actually, a hula hoop given during a romantic moment would mean just as much and that it was more about the feelings and the moments and the stories we had to tell ourselves afterwards. Once I let go of all my angst about it, he suddenly proposed, completely unexpectedly and I got my lovely ring. It's not the most expensive ring around but it's utterly perfect to me.

Pengggwn · 07/08/2017 13:32

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlondeB83 · 07/08/2017 13:34

What good is an engagement ring if he doesn't want to marry you?

CockacidalManiac · 07/08/2017 13:35

Pen why the biscuit?

Perhaps she has a surfeit of biscuits.

CockacidalManiac · 07/08/2017 13:38

Because it is perfectly obvious what she means by traditionalist. She believes in marriage in a way that some consider to be 'old-fashioned'. I don't see why anyone needs to comment on her sex life.

You're either a traditionalist or you're not. Picking and mixing means you're not. In this case, 'traditionalist' would appear to mean wanting a big expensive fuck-off rock on her finger, and fitting in with her friends.

Meandtwo · 07/08/2017 13:41

PyongyangKipperbang I don't think wanting to get married is needy or desperate but trying to coerce someone into marriage who clearly doesn't want to is.

Where I'm from marriage and cohabiting have the exact same protections and benefits - with the one exception being tax breaks for married couples, but these would be minimal in my circumstances so I just don't see the incentive. Not to mention it takes a minimum of five years and hefty lawyer fees to get a divorce here so it's really not a clever move to my mind! But I'm clearly not an old romantic Grin

Pengggwn · 07/08/2017 13:41

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluntness100 · 07/08/2017 13:43

I don't think it ever was an engagement ring, it was never intended as such, and that's caused all the issues. Seems he's happy to say he's engaged though, as not a big deal to him, but he's being very clear he's not happy to marry.

CockacidalManiac · 07/08/2017 13:49

Pengggwn

It's quite simple, I really don't get how this could confuse you? You are either a traditionalist about marriage or you're not. I wouldn't claim to be, as I feel that a lot of traditions are bollocks, especially where marriage is concerned.
If you claim to be a traditionalist about marriage, of course pre-marital sex relates to that. If you're picking and choosing the traditions THAT DIRECTLY RELATE to an activity, then you're not really a traditionalist, are you? You're a pragmatist. I'd never condemn pre-marital sex in any way, but I don't claim to be a traditionalist about marriage.

C0untDucku1a · 07/08/2017 13:51

I feel for you op. I dont believe your oh has behaved with integrity.

Pengggwn · 07/08/2017 13:53

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TheNaze73 · 07/08/2017 13:54

lottapianos is absolutely spot on.

Great post

kemptownlady · 07/08/2017 13:56

it sounds like you're very happy together, and you say DP didn't marry his first partner. Maybe DP doesn't believe in marriage?

I think maybe you're fixated on the ring because it represents what's not quite right in the relationship with your DP. There's a gap between your expectations and his. The only solution for this is for the pair of you to talk to one another about your expectations for the future. Listen to his expectations and share yours and see if there is a middle way for you both.

helpme85 · 07/08/2017 13:58

Don't concentrate on the wrong things. Concentrate on your partnership.

It is probably and hopefully stronger than most marriages!

If he doesn't want to get married it might just be that but not about you both together. He probably does want that.

Why don't you talk to him and just ask him what he wants to do?

But don't put pressure on - because marriage/engagement etc sounds idealistic but you could have something tonnes better - your current relationship!

CockacidalManiac · 07/08/2017 14:00

I think you are being utterly pedantic. It is obvious what the OP means and picking on her use of a word then interrogating her about her sex life just seems like a waste of time to me, but crack on. hmm

If you don't know the difference between an interrogation and a rhetorical question, then I sincerely hope that you don't work for the police. But I'll leave it there, as threads are easily derailed.

Fairenuff · 07/08/2017 14:35

OP your posts regarding the actual 'engagement' are confusing:

'About 4 years ago, Christmas, he gave me a ring. Its very pretty. I put it on my left hand, and friends then congratulated us on our 'engagement'.
But he never asked me to marry him. When I ask 'are we engaged?' he says we are, but then says he doesn't believe in marriage.'

'Just after giving me the ring, I did ask him again if we were engaged and he said yes so said you are supposed to actually say 'will you marry me' then. So he did.'

'To clarify - the ring was given to me Christmas day but with no indication of what 'kind of' ring it was. I did say which hand do I put it on and he said choose. so I asked for the clarification regarding the proposal - which he did'

Taking all of that information and putting it in order, it would appear that this is what happened:

Christmas Day 4 years ago he gave you a ring. You asked which finger to put it on. He said 'you choose' so you put it on your engagement finger and asked 'are we engaged'. He replied 'yes'. You said 'you're supposed to actually say will you marry me' so he said 'will you marry me'. When you ask again 'are we engaged' he says 'yes but I don't believe in marriage'.

Is that it?