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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want a proper engagement ring and a wedding?

153 replies

paperbin · 07/08/2017 10:30

I have been with my partner for about 7 years. I was married before for 15 years or so, 2 grown up children. He was with his ex for 20 years, 3 grown up kids. They were never actually married although she did call herself Mrs.
We live in a house we bought 50/50, jointly pay mortgage, bills etc. He earns more than me so puts a bit more into the kitty.
About 4 years ago, Christmas, he gave me a ring. Its very pretty. I put it on my left hand, and friends then congratulated us on our 'engagement'.
But he never asked me to marry him. When I ask 'are we engaged?' he says we are, but then says he doesn't believe in marriage. I tell him that if we are engaged, then that is a promise to marry!
Lots of people at work are engaged/having weddings.
A couple of months ago, I noticed someone at work had the same ring as me on her right hand - it was a birthday pressie from her kids!
By now I had given up thoughts of actually getting married so moved the ring to my RH. He never even noticed.

Recently, some close friends got engaged. She showed off her amazing ruby ring which they bought in Barcelona. The wedding is in September. Another couple got engaged - wedding is next year. I started noticing engagement rings more, and decided mine is definitely not one! I also read that the average paid for one is now around £1000 or even 1 to 2 months wages. Mine is the equivalent of a day!
I feel confused and upset. He 'says' we are engaged.
He will not set any date for a wedding. (I would only want a register office and a few pints down the pub type thing, nothing fancy).
My ring is not an engagement ring - I was actually embarrassed when someone asked to see it. I know this makes me sound like a gold digger but I am not - just want things to be 'right'.
So, AIBU to want a proper proposal and a proper ring?

OP posts:
aramintafatbottom · 07/08/2017 11:14

piglet but why did he say yes when she asked if they were engaged?

Surely if you didn't intend to get engaged you would simply say no....

Pengggwn · 07/08/2017 11:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaidOfStars · 07/08/2017 11:15

Maybe he bottled the truth after realising that the Christmas gift he's given had been completely misconstrued? Not nice but a panic response?

WeAllHaveWings · 07/08/2017 11:16

I would become unengaged first of all. As you aren't really and its obviously making you unhappy and it sound like embarrassed too as others get married or ask about your wedding plans.

Then have a proper talk and explain to him that for you and most of the world an engagement is an agreement to get married and you will not be engaged until you have a proper conversation about what it would mean to both of you.

If it means to him no firm or any plans of actually marrying then that doesn't fit with your feelings so don't get engaged again. If he wants to marry, but not yet, wait until he is ready to before getting engaged again. If he doesn't want to marry you need to decide if asking you to marry and with no intention of following through is a deal breaker for you, if not draw a line under it and move on.

reuset · 07/08/2017 11:18

Araminta - the OP did rather extract the 'engagement' out of him. The OP's partner also says he doesn't believe in marriage.

MsHarry · 07/08/2017 11:18

Do you love him? Does he love you? Are you happy with your relationship in all other ways part from marriage? If so I think you are focussing on the superficial. When he bought you the ring, I would have asked what the ring was for. i wouldn't have worn it on THAT finger unless he asked me to marry him.

RhubardGin · 07/08/2017 11:18

but why did he say yes when she asked if they were engaged?

This confuses me too and makes me think this could be rubbish, it makes no sense whatsoever.

And the obsession with getting a bigger/better ring when they haven't even planned a wedding in the past 4 years....

FilledSoda · 07/08/2017 11:18

But he doesn't get to say you're engaged Confused
He just decided this ?

ZoyaTheDestroyer · 07/08/2017 11:18

The ringpull off a can of Special Brew can be a 'proper engagement ring' if it is given to you by someone who wants to marry you and intends the ring as a symbol of this promise. The ring isn't the problem here, is it?

It sounds like this is your dealbreaker. You need to have a very honest conversation with him.

SpartacusSaiman · 07/08/2017 11:19

I think he has been clear. Engagement is ok. But he does not consider it engaged to be married. He isnt going to marry you.

You are so busy comparing what you got to his ex and everyone else, that you are ignoromg the issue.

You want to be married. He doesnt.

diddl · 07/08/2017 11:21

"but why did he say yes when she asked if they were engaged?"

To shut her up?

Seems to have worked for the last 4yrs!

Some people have long engagements-but at least decide on a year, don't they?

I don't think that you're engaged Op as he would have made it clear when he gave you the ring.

Viviennemary · 07/08/2017 11:21

YANBU to want a nice engagement ring. In the distant past a man had to buy a ring and wait until marriage before living together. Now it's all changed. And they think why bother getting married I've all the advantages of marriage without some of the disadvantages.

Sadly you can't force him into marriage. But if it's important to you then say it's either marriage or split up. Or decide that it isn't worth splitting up over. I don't think there's any point in still hoping he will change his mind after all this time.

peachgreen · 07/08/2017 11:23

So he gave you a ring for Christmas and YOU put it on your ring finger? That is supremely weird, OP - that's not how proposals work.

You need to talk to him, properly.

As for your ring (which isn't an engagement ring but a Christmas gift) not being as expensive as your DP's ex, that's just ridiculous. DH's ex's engagement ring was obscenely expensive, as was their wedding. They still got divorced. The quality of a marriage isn't based on the cost of the ring!

aramintafatbottom · 07/08/2017 11:23

Araminta - the OP did rather extract the 'engagement' out of him. The OP's partner also says he doesn't believe in marriage

She didn't force him to say yes? It's surely easy enough to answer a question honestly? And if you really didn't want to talk about the subject don't buy any kind of ring in the first place!

Fairenuff · 07/08/2017 11:24

OP he didn't ask you to marry him. He said the words you wanted to hear because he was put on the spot. Maybe he thought you would leave him if he didn't say it and he's actually just quite happy in the relationship as it is. This shows him to be weak but that's all.

He doesn't want to marry you.

People who want to get married, get married. It really is that simple.

Bluntness100 · 07/08/2017 11:24

This is rather strange. So he did actually propose? The issue is you want a better ring and to set a date? You've now moved the ring to your other hand as you want a better ring?

Demander · 07/08/2017 11:26

You're not unreasonable to want to be engaged and then married but it's not going to happen with this man who doesn't want to get married.

So do you want to stay with him, happily unmarried for ever or leave him and spend what may be the rest of your life looking for somebody who does want to marry you, and you want to marry them.

Being married and having an engagement ring isn't important in my book.
Is it really that important to you?

Original poster
paperbin · 07/08/2017 11:26

It does sound odd. Plus she's says he never actually asked her to marry him in the OP.

I know 4 years seems a long time to just muddle along. But life/work/kids/house just seems to have got in the way. Time has flown by and tbh, its only now that friends wedding is rapidly approaching, so is his son's that it has really come to the forefront of my mind

OP posts:
aramintafatbottom · 07/08/2017 11:27

Me and dp have been together 5 years. It doesn't get any better or go away or even change. Leave him for your own sanity.

ExConstance · 07/08/2017 11:27

I don't think you are obsessed about the ring, you are trying to discern his true intentions from it and the circumstances in which it was given. The ring he gave his ex is irrelevant, he didn't marry her anyway. You need to have a serious talk with him, not some banter down the pub, and explain what a relationship means to you going forward. If marriage is important to you and he doesn't want to be married then there is only one option really.....

JennyBlueWren · 07/08/2017 11:29

My engagement wasn't a "proper" proposal. DH said "do want to go to (jewellers) and then "do you want to get engaged?" To which I responded "do you want to get married?" I wasn't falling for that.
The ring we chose wasn't a traditional engagement ring but one I wanted and we got married a year later.

The problem is would you leave him if he didn't marry you?

As soon as you got engaged you should have started organising the wedding! Start looking into how much you can afford, where and when and who. If he makes a fuss point out that you are engaged!

Bluntness100 · 07/08/2017 11:29

Op, it's not odd that you've muddled along for so long. What everyone finds odd is

You got a ring as a Xmas gift and seemed to have assumed it's an engagement ring without discussion.
He has proposed but you seem confused on that score.

It reads like he got you a ring for Xmas, you assumed it was an engagement ring, put it on your wedding finger then hassled him about were you engaged, that's what's odd.

Demander · 07/08/2017 11:30

OP he didn't ask you to marry him. He said the words you wanted to hear because he was put on the spot. Maybe he thought you would leave him if he didn't say it and he's actually just quite happy in the relationship as it is. This shows him to be weak but that's all.

I don't think it's fair to classify him as weak on such small issue. He may just not want to upset her or he may not think it's important whether they classify themselves as are engaged or not.
Agree that he doesn't want to get married, but don't call him weak please.

reuset · 07/08/2017 11:31

Well no, presumably she didn't force him, I hope But, and as many posters have said, he's obviously placating her as he doesn't believe in marriage, and didn't ask her (at least according to the opening post).

OP can issue ultimatums to him, of course, but who would want to be married under those circumstances. I wouldn't, personally.

Original poster
paperbin · 07/08/2017 11:31

marriage to me is stability and security. We bought a house together, so that is a massive commitment from both of us. but I am a traditionalist. I don't want a white dress and all that palaver.
I just want us to commit to each other in a traditional way. I love him and he does love me. but I feel insecure - is that wrong?

OP posts: