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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want a proper engagement ring and a wedding?

153 replies

paperbin · 07/08/2017 10:30

I have been with my partner for about 7 years. I was married before for 15 years or so, 2 grown up children. He was with his ex for 20 years, 3 grown up kids. They were never actually married although she did call herself Mrs.
We live in a house we bought 50/50, jointly pay mortgage, bills etc. He earns more than me so puts a bit more into the kitty.
About 4 years ago, Christmas, he gave me a ring. Its very pretty. I put it on my left hand, and friends then congratulated us on our 'engagement'.
But he never asked me to marry him. When I ask 'are we engaged?' he says we are, but then says he doesn't believe in marriage. I tell him that if we are engaged, then that is a promise to marry!
Lots of people at work are engaged/having weddings.
A couple of months ago, I noticed someone at work had the same ring as me on her right hand - it was a birthday pressie from her kids!
By now I had given up thoughts of actually getting married so moved the ring to my RH. He never even noticed.

Recently, some close friends got engaged. She showed off her amazing ruby ring which they bought in Barcelona. The wedding is in September. Another couple got engaged - wedding is next year. I started noticing engagement rings more, and decided mine is definitely not one! I also read that the average paid for one is now around £1000 or even 1 to 2 months wages. Mine is the equivalent of a day!
I feel confused and upset. He 'says' we are engaged.
He will not set any date for a wedding. (I would only want a register office and a few pints down the pub type thing, nothing fancy).
My ring is not an engagement ring - I was actually embarrassed when someone asked to see it. I know this makes me sound like a gold digger but I am not - just want things to be 'right'.
So, AIBU to want a proper proposal and a proper ring?

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 07/08/2017 12:03

Why didn't you discuss marriage before buying a house if that is so important to you?

I believe in marriage, but would never have bought a house with a man I wasn't married to....or at least properly engaged to.

You're not engaged and assumed. Why did you put it on your left hand without a proposal? It's just a piece of jewellery.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 07/08/2017 12:03

He isn't stringing her along, he's been very clear about not wanting to get married so it's upto the OP if she stays or goes.

The focus on the price of the ring says it all, marriage is about commitment and making vows for life not the cost of the ring. Given you've already been married and divorced once then the commitment thing is mute anyway.

aramintafatbottom · 07/08/2017 12:03

He should have spoken up immediately but maybe didn't want to hurt or embarrass her and as such has went along with it

Didn't want to hurt or embarrass her? Bit he chooses to "joke" about getting married in 2050 and finding the right woman. I v much doubt he gives a shiny shit about ops feelings. He said it to shut her up. But that doesn't work because with an engagement comes a wedding doesn't it?

He wants to have his cake and eat it.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 07/08/2017 12:03

You have to take the lead, tell him what you want, and he can go along with it.

Hmm
PinkHeart5911 · 07/08/2017 12:05

So his never asked you to marry him. He gave you a ring and you put it on your left hand, and let friends congratulate you on your engagement Confused that's weird on its own tbh!

His said he doesn't believe in marriage so why did you assume you could take your Christmas present as an engagement ring?? Confused

Anyway unless someone is very shallow the money spent on the ring means nothing. You could spend millions and be divorced in year, you could spend £80 and be together a lifetime. Wtf does a "proper ring" mean anyway? 😂

He has NEVER asked you to marry him so you need to have a chat and if he doesn't want to marry, then you have to decide if you want to stay in the relationship.

PyongyangKipperbang · 07/08/2017 12:07

When someone says they "Dont believe in marriage" what they mean is "I dont believe in us". Either its for financial reasons (what's mine is mine....) or because they are keeping one foot out of the door in case a better offer comes along (which it usually doesnt ...).

Whichever it is, you are not going to get any sort of proposal from this guy. What you need to do is work out if you are prepared to accept that or not.

Skarossinkplunger · 07/08/2017 12:07

It really doesn't matter how much the ring costs, but you are not engaged. You just decided you were, he had no say in this.

BabychamSocialist · 07/08/2017 12:08

DP proposed to me with a haribo ring (it was a spur of the moment thing) and I still don't have an engagement ring (don't see the point!). We're finally walking down the aisle this year after 20 years!

My point is that conventions are boring and outdated these days. Me and DP have made a life together and had kids and a home, which is why we've been in no rush to get hitched. We're only doing it this year because of the symbolism of it being 20 years together.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 07/08/2017 12:09

When someone says they "Dont believe in marriage" what they mean is "I dont believe in us".

Completely disagree. One of the happiest couple I know aren't married. They have been together 30 years. Have water right wills etc.

Absolutely no desire to get married.

aramintafatbottom · 07/08/2017 12:09

It really doesn't matter how much the ring costs, but you are not engaged. You just decided you were, he had no say in this

Except for when op asked him if they were engaged and he said yes

Original poster
paperbin · 07/08/2017 12:10

Thank you for all the comments which I have read with interest.

To clarify - the ring was given to me Christmas day but with no indication of what 'kind of' ring it was. I did say which hand do I put it on and he said choose. soI asked for the clarification regarding the proposal - which he did - then friends started the congratulations etc.

we committed ourselves by buying the house together, for which we have all the necessary insurance should something happen to one of us.

I suppose its that high summer wedding time of year that has made me feel insecure. been fairly happy as we are over the last few years but with all the wedding stuff happening now (he was on his mates stag do at the weekend) it has made me question things.

I suppose I have to put up or shut up. he said right at the start he didn't believe in marriage but I thought he might change. obviously not.next time someone asks when we are getting married I will tell them we are not. we are not engaged, as that is a promise to marry and he wont. End of.

OP posts:
Wdigin2this · 07/08/2017 12:11

Well firstly, an engagement or wedding ring is not about the cost....but. If you'd put it on your right hand, would he have said it was just a gift?
I think you both need to have a sensible discussion, about what you want and don't want from the relationship. If he obviously doesn't want marriage and commitment....but you do, you may have to re-evaluate the situation!

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 07/08/2017 12:12

he said right at the start he didn't believe in marriage

Then you have your answer.

but I thought he might change.

He has made it clear from day one. What you do next us up to you.

Justanothernameonthepage · 07/08/2017 12:19

Glad to hear you're protected. Buy yourself an amazing piece of jewellery if you want and carry on finding a way past what your feeling. Even if it means booking a couple of sessions with a therapist to work through it.

TangledSlinky · 07/08/2017 12:20

Sorry OP, I think you need to take what he's saying to you at face value and accept that you want different things.

About 4 years ago, Christmas, he gave me a ring. Its very pretty. I put it on my left hand, and friends then congratulated us on our 'engagement'.
But he never asked me to marry him. When I ask 'are we engaged?' he says we are, but then says he doesn't believe in marriage.

This makes it sound like you walked him into an awkward situation re: your friends congratulating you and rather than let you down he's gone along with it, whilst making it clear he doesn't intend to marry you.

To clarify - the ring was given to me Christmas day but with no indication of what 'kind of' ring it was. I did say which hand do I put it on and he said choose.

Again, this doesn't sound like a proposal...if it were this was his chance to make it clear by saying/putting it on your left hand.

I love him and he does love me. but I feel insecure - is that wrong?
It's not wrong as such, but I think you need to take a look at why you feel so insecure, as marriage won't fix the cracks.

Lovemusic33 · 07/08/2017 12:20

Why are you so keen to get married? He has said from the start that 'he doesn't believe in marriage', some people just don't, he was obviously with his ex for quite a while and no intention to marry her either.

I think he has the right idea, why get married? What does it gain? Weddings are expensive, stressful and often end in divorce (even more expense). I have been married once and theirs no way I would do it again, it's just an expensive piece of paper at the end of the day. You can make a commitment to each other in other ways?

I think you just need to except that he's never going to marry you and either get over it or find someone who does want to get married.

gillybeanz · 07/08/2017 12:22

YABU, the man you have chosen doesn't believe in marriage.
It isn't an engagement ring and wasn't given as one, well not officially anyway.
I don't understand the embarrassment of comparing your ring to other people's engagement ring Confused.

You need to ask yourself if you really love him for what he is or if you want a man who is different and will ask you to become engaged and marry.

My wedding ring was really cheap about £20 as all we could afford.
It made my finger go green and is obviously not with me anymore.
The marriage is still strong 25 years on, even after the cheapest wedding ever.

Pannnn · 07/08/2017 12:22

Wishing to be supportive, you do seem to have muddled a few things up.

Overall though it's useless talking to strangers on't internet. It's OH you need to talk to about what you wish and expectations.

I don't think you are being Unreasonable for wishing the things you say, nor having this be brought fwd due to 'marriage season' but as others say you can't demand a marriage. It's in your court.

OliviaStabler · 07/08/2017 12:27

I am sorry but he doesn't want to marry you. There was no formal proposal and he does not seem to care.

Doobigetta · 07/08/2017 12:38

Engagement isn't a legal status, it's just an agreement between two people. What that agreement is could be anything. Your problem is that you have no agreement here- you don't want the same thing. All you can do is work out whether you want it so much that not getting it is a deal breaker, because it doesn't sound as though he's going to change his mind. Fwiw though, it's insensitive at best, and cruel and manipulative at worst for him to agree that you're engaged just to shut you up, with no intention of marrying you when he knows it matters to you.

Lottapianos · 07/08/2017 12:41

'When someone says they "Dont believe in marriage" what they mean is "I dont believe in us".

Total rubbish. Happy unmarried for 12 year here. We're both on the same page with it. Both our parents are in marriages of 40 years plus and are miserable as sin. Being married has no bearing on how happy you are together

OP, let go of this idea that men are a bit wet and a bit useless and just need working on and convincing to 'do the right thing'. He's been crystal clear with you. You're not engaged and he's not interested in getting married. That doesn't mean that he doesn't want to be with you though.

Oly5 · 07/08/2017 12:44

He gave you a ring and you just assumed it was an engagement ring? Clearly you're in the wrong there
Look, he doesn't want to get married... There's nothing wrong with that. But you do need to discuss where you go from here

Oly5 · 07/08/2017 12:45

I also agree with Lotta. Many coupes live together and are very happy. The question is whether you are happy.
I also agree that men are not wet or useless if they don't want to marry!

PyongyangKipperbang · 07/08/2017 12:47

I think you are misunderstanding what I mean.

When I said that "I dont believe in marriage" means "I dont believe in us" that is in reference to people like the OP's DP who will cheerfully string someone along (by buying her rings, saying they are engaged etc) but then when it comes to the crunch whipping out the old "I dont believe in marriage".

Two people who both agree that they dont need or want marriage is different to one dangling the marriage carrot in front of an OH who really does want it, but never delivering. It stops the OP from finding someone who wants what she wants, as he keeps saying the right things, but doesnt give her the kind of relationship she wants, which is selfish.

Meandtwo · 07/08/2017 12:47

You sound very needy and desperate. He doesn't believe in marriage, many people don't and to be fair you knew that beforehand as he was with his previous partner for 20 years without marrying her. He's clearly committed to you after 7 years and owning a house together. I think you should accept this and enjoy your life together - marriage can't be the bee all and end all to you if you're divorced? I don't mean that in a cruel way, what I mean is marriage doesn't guarantee anything and is no indication of how much he loves you. I'm not married, I don't want to be. My DP would like to get married as he's a traditionalist and like you he thinks it's the "right" thing to do, but I don't want to or need to get married so it won't be happening anytime soon and he accepts this and doesn't push the matter. It doesn't mean I don't love him (I very much do!) doesn't mean I'm not committed, it's just a personal belief. So stop worrying about Janice down the road with her rubies and get on with your life as partners!