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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My girlfriend ditches my hen to go with husband to stag do: AIBU to consider dis-inviting them to the wedding?

379 replies

Restlessandwild · 06/08/2017 20:24

Still trying to process but there it is. Last night was my hen do. Same time as my DHTB stag. All arranged long ago in my home town. Said friend invited to hen do, her DH to stag. They don't know my DHTB well but we have been friends since late teens (am 30yrs old). Her husband confirmed stag do attendance straight away. She made excuses (kids, etc) reg my hen. Today I find from other stags, etc that she actually tagged along with her DH with the stags?!? The only one there not a stripper and a wife, etc. Feel terrible, since they are essentially MY friends, but I had no idea. Just feel like picking up the phone and telling them to get lost and not bother coming to the wedding now... AIBU?

OP posts:
Abbylee · 07/08/2017 22:20

Do you really trust her to stay away if you "dis-invite" her? She wasn't invited to the stag do. Perhaps "manage" her by being polite until after the wedding; back table, etc. She sounds petty and unpredictable

NoPressureNoDiamonds · 07/08/2017 22:23

Honesty I think disinviting her will just fuel her fire when it comes to the ridiculous "women feel threatened by me" narrative she feeds herself. She will believe you are angry and don't want her there because you are jealous of how great she was at the stag and how all the boys love her. Don't give her the pleasure.
Have her there, on the day you won't even notice her. Afterwards ghost her. Job done.

Carriecakes80 · 07/08/2017 22:25

Whats wrong with a strip club?? They're a tad tired these days imho (that could be my age lol) but would someone really have second thoughts on marrying someone because they went to a strip club?? Anyway, Yes, I would be hurt, I would just come out and ask her what the actual! x

StealthPolarBear · 07/08/2017 22:35

Oh yes it's that they're tired. We'd like to move on to a novel, fresh way to treat women like commodities please

AnyFucker · 08/08/2017 00:37

Yes that sexual commodification of women is just so passe isn't it, darling ?

Fauchelevent · 08/08/2017 03:50

I'd even go as far as to say gauche darlings, who leaves their house to objectify women when the internet lets you do it at home?

what time warp world of MN have I entered where insecure women are called bitches and cunts, and the biggest issue with strip clubs is they're not trendy? I'm not much of a gamer, but it reminds me of when I used to play Zelda, and you hit the magic mirror to enter the dark world where everything LOOKED the same, but it was the bad version.

Unacceptable · 08/08/2017 03:58

Dear all,

I am so sorry nrtt but literally posting just to sign off.
I miss formal letter writing.

Much love
U hons

nonfatnofoamlatte · 08/08/2017 06:03

I'm sorry your friend isn't much of a friend. This should be a happy time for you and she acted inappropriately and rudely. Its up to you whether it warrants her being disinvited from the wedding, although as other PP's have said, put her at the table nearest the kitchen or loo.

Thank you for your assistance in this matter,

N.F.Latte
Project Coordinator, P.I.
Only daughter

FelicityFucknickle · 08/08/2017 07:20

yy Stealthpolarbear Anyfucker and Fauchelevent

Writermom22 · 08/08/2017 08:40

She was probs more worried about her partner/husband doing something he shouldn't. It's their problem, not yours. And if it upset the dynamic that much, then your hubs to be and the rest of the stags should've sent her/them home.

Ferfukzsake · 08/08/2017 09:22

She sounds like a dick. I wouldn't disinvite them, with any luck she'll get a special mention in the best man's speech and look like a tit in front of all the guests.

Love & hugs
FFS!!

Bemusedandpuzzled · 08/08/2017 09:29

I think there's way more to this than meets the eye. Of course she should have been at your hen do. But the fact that she was at the stag do instead speaks volumes about her relationship with her partner. It's precisely the kind of thing a woman who has just found out she's been cheated on would do. Trust issues are there, for sure - and instead of being mad, you do kind of owe it to her as a long-standing friend to make sure she is OK. Just because it's your wedding does not mean that other people aren't fighting their own battles, and doesn't absolve you of all responsibility for taking care of your mates, just as you usually would. I'm so fed up of brides thinking that their wedding stops time for everyone else.

All that said, some wedding guests can be very selfish too.

FizzyGreenWater · 08/08/2017 09:39

She sounds like a dick. I would take a big step back (which is what most other female friends over the years sound as if they have done?)

Ok yes could be issues with the BF that you don't know about but the bottom line is - she lied to you about babysitting etc, she pushed her way into the stag which is utterly Not Done, she's replied like a dick with the airy brushing you off, and 'all other women are jealous of her'-? fuck off you twat!

YY to those saying don't show that you are angry as she'll have a smug comeback or another brush off which will make you feel worse.

'Sorry, I didn't realise there were trust issues with you and X. I know the boys would never want to make you feel bad about it, so don't worry at all. I'll make sure you're not left alone at the wedding, don't worry.'

-is what I would want to send, or something along those lines, but I'd probably settle for putting her and him on a table far away with nobody threy knew. 'Oh, I assumed you'd want him all to yourself?'

BlueThesaurusRex · 08/08/2017 10:22

I prefer male company and drinking with the boys BUT there is no way in hell I'd crash a stag party and ditch the Hen! That is unacceptable and totally worthy of a disinvite.

LT1927 · 08/08/2017 10:36

Totally not on - I think you should text her back saying "Actually, I have on good authority that the others were not okay with it and that you disrupted the vibe of the evening. I would have thought that our friendship would mean who would make a bit of an effort for me."

Make it clear you aren't happy, she's obviously stuck so far up her own backside that she doesn't understand that the world doesn't revolve around her.

trevortrevorslattery · 08/08/2017 10:40

As ferfuxsake said hopefully she will get a special mention in the speeches. I'd definitely have it out with her though- how rude to ditch your invite Angry

Kind regards
Rev T.T.Slattery
Grade 5 Trumpet
Brownie tea making badge holder
Obstacle race champion 1987

Raisinbrain · 08/08/2017 10:58

I don't think you would be unreasonable to disinvite her. Ideally you should only have people at your wedding that you truly want to spend time with.

Kind regards

R. Aisinbrain
Declared "Unsafe" - Cycling Proficiency 1993

Gooseberrycrumble4 · 08/08/2017 10:59

Respond with 'Oh that's strange, I got the impression from DH the guys were pissed off. It was a blokes night out after all'

CalmItKermitt · 08/08/2017 11:01

R. Aisinbrain
Declared "Unsafe" - Cycling Proficiency 1993

😂😂😂😂

Gooseberrycrumble4 · 08/08/2017 11:08

Or 'the chaps probably felt they couldn't be upfront with you. However they said a female presence spoilt the vibe. What a shame you didn't come out to celebrate with me instead. It was very special. You've been my friend for x years and I feel disappointed you made such a strange choice'

Gooseberrycrumble4 · 08/08/2017 11:10

I suspect she has trust issues too. Or social issues. Either way her behaviour was inappropriate.

powershowerforanhour · 08/08/2017 11:14

Haven't RTFT but I bet she didn't go to your hen, even if she wanted to, because she didn't want to give her husband ammo. "You went to the hen and I trusted you not to shag the male stripper..."
If you like her and want her as a friend, and she didn't spend the stag getting hammered and trying to jump your fiance's bones, then it may be worth going for a quiet coffee with her or a walk, and see if she wants to talk. Or cry.

Gooseberrycrumble4 · 08/08/2017 11:15

Or 'sorry but the guys felt your presence ruined the boys night out vibe. I was disappointed you chose not to celebrate with me, being one of my oldest friends. Is there something going on you'd like to talk about? Do you and DH have trust issues?'

Mulligrubs · 08/08/2017 11:39

This thread is on the Daily Fail website btw OP, just to warn you

Kerala2712 · 08/08/2017 12:39

My husband won't go to stag dos at strip clubs etc- has seen too many mates end up going too far with prostitutes/strippers/randoms, then been in a position of knowing when they pitch up to get married. These places are NOT harmless fun.
OP -its your wedding. Its about your marriage to your fiance. You do not want people who are unsupportive of the idea or who undermine you. This woman sounds like she is struggling with trusting her husband (not necessarily unreasonably if he eagerly turning up to stag do at strip club!) and I feel a bit sorry for her, but she handled it badly. Talk to her, she may have reasons and need a friend and then if you still feel like it uninvite her. We women should stick together and not assume the worst about each other. Martin needs to sod off.

Be kind, everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Kindest regards
K. Erala