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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My girlfriend ditches my hen to go with husband to stag do: AIBU to consider dis-inviting them to the wedding?

379 replies

Restlessandwild · 06/08/2017 20:24

Still trying to process but there it is. Last night was my hen do. Same time as my DHTB stag. All arranged long ago in my home town. Said friend invited to hen do, her DH to stag. They don't know my DHTB well but we have been friends since late teens (am 30yrs old). Her husband confirmed stag do attendance straight away. She made excuses (kids, etc) reg my hen. Today I find from other stags, etc that she actually tagged along with her DH with the stags?!? The only one there not a stripper and a wife, etc. Feel terrible, since they are essentially MY friends, but I had no idea. Just feel like picking up the phone and telling them to get lost and not bother coming to the wedding now... AIBU?

OP posts:
FelicityFucknickle · 07/08/2017 18:16

I'm not sure strippers are "just a bit of fun" tbh
And I don't really think it's the same for men as for women because of the backstory of how women are so objectified.
They're certainly not just having a laugh, that's what comedy clubs are for. Most of the occasions I've seen men watching female strippers (I have had some strange jobs) they're ogling, slack-jawed and taking it in turns to disappear for a wank or spend the rest of the evening talking about trying to find prostitutes. I see this behaviour much less from women who go to see male strippers, it's a different vibe.
Anyho, I feel for the friend if she has trust issues, but it was bad form for her to dismiss your position. I couldn't be arsed to un- invite but just chalk it up to experience and expect much less form her in the future.
You sound lovely.

KimmySchmidt1 · 07/08/2017 18:22

Sack her off - its your wedding and it sounds like she completely torpedoed your DH's stag.

I've never heard of anything like it to be honest.

She is going to ruin the wedding too because all the stags will feel inhibited about bantering about the do if she is there (whereas stag banter is otherwise a major source of fun at a wedding).

HMC2000 · 07/08/2017 18:35

Yeah I'd also make her treatment of you the main issue: "I thought that we were close enough friends that you would be excited to come to my hen party, and am disappointed that you made excuses not to come, when I now know that you were able to. As for gatecrashing DP's stag night, he was too polite to ask you to leave, so missed out on the all bloke evening he'd been looking forward to. It sounds from your text as if you wanted to keep an eye on your DH - couldn't you just have talked to me if that was an issue? DH and I feel really let down by your behaviour." She'll probably respond that your DH actually seemed very happy to have her there, but that's her own insecurities.

All best regards,

Her Majesty Carolina 2000 BA, MA Oxon

StealthPolarBear · 07/08/2017 18:37

Sounds like they can't do things separately. And I'm with vestal about the strippers tbh

frieda909 · 07/08/2017 18:42

I agree with others who've said not to mention the guys' feelings at all. It will either make you look petty or make the guys look two-faced if they've not said anything to her themselves.

I'd be tempted to go with something along the lines of 'You may feel that the guys were fine with it, but the fact remains that you weren't invited. You were, however invited to my hen! Could you not at least have been honest with me if you really didn't want to come?'

frieda909 · 07/08/2017 18:52

Also, I have to say I'm generally quite wary of those 'I just get along better with guys!' kind of women. I know for some women it's totally genuine and fair enough. But I've met more than one woman who professed to just prefer hanging out with guys, when actually what she meant was that she wanted ALL the guys for herself. One woman I knew at uni was particularly territorial and would barely even let another woman speak to 'her lads' without permission. She was also a massive shit-stirrer and successfully broke up more than one budding relationship (including one of mine) with her bullshit.

NoPressureNoDiamonds · 07/08/2017 19:11

Don't worry OP, this is nothing to do with you. What's happened here is simple: your friend is a complete prick. Bin her ASAP.

Yours,
Ms. NPN Diamonds
BSC (Bronze Swimming Certificate)

RidingWindhorses · 07/08/2017 19:12

I've slept on it for you OP and I think you should disinvite her just for the schadenfreude.

She lied to your face and only didn't piss off your DH because he's fairly chilled. While I don't really understand the urge to see naked people just here you get married - I wouldn't want a tagalong on a girls' night. I don't think she needs protecting from the fact the guys pissed off. I'd know perfectly well they'd be pissed off.

I wouldn't personally get into any discussion with her about her reasoning, just bin her.

iMogster · 07/08/2017 19:58

She lied saying she couldn't come, knowing full well you would find out she gate crashed the stag do. She didn't care about anyone's feelings. She even showed up her own DH by making it obvious she doesn't trust him.
She would definitely have spoiled your DH's one and only stag do. They couldn't relax and have all that fun male banter with 1 female there. She was like a fly in the beer.
She is not a friend.

Yours,
iMog BA

Jedimum1 · 07/08/2017 20:02

I think she's got confidence issues, despite being stunning and all that. She doesn't trust her DH, she pretended she tagged along because "they always do things together" when in fact they always do then because she doesn't leave him alone. She declined the hen because she was going to play the "but we have no childcare card" to him, so he didn't go because both stage and hen do were at the same time... But mother came so she didn't have that excuse, so instead of going to yours, she decided to tag along to your DH's to check on her DH. The whole "being one of the lads" is her way to deal with her confidence issues and get the attention of all the guys. She's not one of the lads, the guys don't consider her one of the lads, it was awkward. The fact that her DH didn't stop her (he's as much at fault) tells me he's trying to avoid conflict with her so either a) he's cheated and wants to prove to her he's not looking around anymore or b) they truly do things together all the time, in which case he should have asked your DH if it was ok for her to go, and she should have told you her intentions; or c) she really doesn't give much thought to your feelings and "being one of the lads" / " getting attention" was first in her priority list :(

Identity1 · 07/08/2017 20:12

YANBU at all.
But weird that her DH accepted the stag invite over her acceptance to your hen night if it's you and she that are (were??) Friends, given that you say they don't know your DHTB that well. IF they were struggling for babysitter surely she should have had priority?.... sounds like it was all planned out IMO....

Best
ID1

speedynamechange73 · 07/08/2017 20:14

The sign offs have really made my day.

I've met women who don't seem to like the company of other women. I'm guessing their esteem is such that they need the constant reassurance of potentially being found to be attractive. Bit of an arse-backwards explanation, sorry. But you are NBU, as you've probably worked out OP.

SNChange73
BA Hons
Basic food hygiene certificates
BAGA 4, 3 and 2
Silver (I think) BAGA Acrobatics

Vq1970 · 07/08/2017 20:21

speedy BAGA was going to be my sign off but I only got 4 and 3, was still working on 2 when we stopped doing gymnastics. I feel too inferior now to use that accolade.

With kind regards

Mrs VQ
Skipping champion, Amherst Infants, 1977
Member of the Queen Fan Club

Abbylee · 07/08/2017 20:24

My sil was much like your "friend." Always pushing in with my dh and db outings. (Leaving me and to babysit her 3 dc!)It made my dh so uncomfortable that he stopped doing things with my db and when our parents passed away, our family moved.

I'm very sad that i spent so much time placating her selfish ways. Our dm was too. Be polite about wedding and move on.

TwoLeftSocks · 07/08/2017 20:26

I think for me the acid test would be whether or not she wrote a false moustache, because that's what I'd do if asked along on a stag do (a male friend came along on my hen night, complete with skirt and wig, so I think it's not completely out of the question). If she went all dolled up then that's definitely not attempting to blend in.

Mind yourself now,
T.L.Socks,
Wanted
to be an astronaut, now I'm on fish finger duty, sigh.

TwoLeftSocks · 07/08/2017 20:28

*wore

Yours dashingly,
T.L.Socks
Long jump runner up, 1988

crisisonabike · 07/08/2017 20:31

Having read how rude people are prepared to be at weddings today, I'd consider this 'friend' to be high risk - the wedding dress pic way back with bells on!

Congrats on your forthcoming.

Warmly,
C.O'Bike
Sixer, Thrush Patrol
For real

speedynamechange73 · 07/08/2017 20:33

Vq1970 I can't believe I got 2, I'm pretty sure my teacher let me off as I couldn't do splits or anything remotely snazzy.

crisisonabike · 07/08/2017 20:34

@TwoLeftFeet the moustache acid test Grin

Vanillamanilla1 · 07/08/2017 20:36

She sounds batshit and would disinvite her for that reason only

Lady Vanillamanilla ( yeah I'm a lady )

HipsterHunter · 07/08/2017 20:41

Either DP or his best man should have told her and her looser boyfriend to fuck off the stag do was men only

llangennith · 07/08/2017 20:50

Be polite but cool towards her on your wedding day and find a new friend after that.

imablackstarnotapopstar · 07/08/2017 21:42

Definitely Toilet Table! With her DH on the opposite side of the table so they can't speak to each other Hmm

gemma19846 · 07/08/2017 22:01

Maybe she enjoys male company better?

cfb35 · 07/08/2017 22:03

So sorry that you have had this happen to you OP. This woman sounds quite unpleasant. I wouldn't necessarily un-invite her to your wedding, but I would re-arrange the seating slightly and organise a little two person bistro type table at the very back ( near toilets/kitchens!!) with their place names opposite each other and a little personal note in the centre of the table
"Because you don't like to do things separately - enjoy your meal...together :)"
Buenos Noches
Ms C35
Tap dancing Grade 1 Bronze medal 1981
Tadaaaa!!!