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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have said she's raising psychopaths.

568 replies

OohMavis · 05/08/2017 19:22

My friend and I have fallen out.

She has zero empathy for any type of animal or living thing other than herself and her children, basically. I find that utterly baffling and quite upsetting, and I don't think I'm unreasonable in that respect, but I might have overstepped a mark a bit by saying this, and I want some opinions.

She was here yesterday with her two children so our children could play together. They were playing in the garden, we were sitting out with them, chatting. DD came running to me, excited, saying she'd found a really big beetle, asking for me to come and see. She's 3 and obsessed with mini beasts. My friend's children overheard and came to see too. They ran ahead of me and my friend followed behind, by the time we'd arrived her son had STOMPED on this beautiful stag beetle (I think) and killed it Angry

DD was so fucking upset. Honestly, it was just such an unecessary thing to do. The kid is 7. It's inexcusable. I reacted, raised my voice a bit and said "Why did you do that?!" he just laughed and said he wanted to stand on it. I said that's a really nasty thing to do. Then bent down to see if he'd 'popped its head off'. He had, he was quite pleased with himself. His mother said nothing, I looked at her for a response and got a half-shrug.

DD was in tears by this point so I took her back to where we were sitting and friend joined me. I was comforting DD. She said, "I think they get it from me, they just don't like animals"
I replied, "well that's fine but they shouldn't kill them"
"Well it's not like it was a cat or something"
And this is where I got a bit angry and said "yes well it starts off that way doesn't it, with that attitude you're raising two psycopaths"

She was obviously offended. Sat there for twenty more minutes with a look on her face before making an excuse and leaving, awkwardly. Got a text later saying she thought I was completely out of order calling her kids psycopaths, kids step on insects and I'm overreacting. I didn't reply. She texted again telling me I'm a hypocrite since I'm not even vegetarian Hmm and she doesn't think she'll be coming again.

WIBU to mention the word psychopath. I was angry, it may have been over the top, but I still think it.

OP posts:
PollyFlint · 05/08/2017 19:42

You were correct to be upset, you were correct to pull her up on this, and in all honesty I wouldn't want her children anywhere near mine. Psychopaths is indeed a strong word and I can see why your friend found that offensive, but equally it sounds like she has completely different values to you and you probably aren't very compatible as friends.

Quite aside from laughing at killing beetles in general, it was a really nasty, bullying thing for a seven-year-old to do to your three-year-old daughter. A child of seven who deliberately spoils things for an excited toddler does need a damn good telling off.

By the way, if it was a stag beetle they're an endangered species, so nobody should be killing them for any reason at all.

FlyingFox95 · 05/08/2017 19:43

I wouldn't bother with her or her psychopath child again.

Optimist1 · 05/08/2017 19:43

mumzilla - I think you're being a bit literal in your criticism of the OP. She's not saying that anyone who kills insects is destined to be become a psychopath, but it's well documented that psychopaths often have cruelty to animals as a feature of their younger years.

Babyg1995 · 05/08/2017 19:43

Yanbu I would have probably have reacted the same way . I teach my kids to respect all living things as well.

AdalindSchade · 05/08/2017 19:44

I wouldn't want her or her kids in my life tbh

I think this is a tricky one to teach kids. It's ok to squash a mosquito or wash a spider down the sink

Not in my house. We kill mosquitos, fleas and head lice only because they bite us but spiders and anything harmless doesn't get killed. I teach my ds that we don't have the right to kill something for no reason. That includes not eating them. I despise people who kill creatures for fun or just being perverse.

StaplesCorner · 05/08/2017 19:44

Agree 100% with Spangles and this is a thing, apparently its one of the indicators for severe personality disorders. Probably not entirely diplomatic to call them psychopaths but anyway, lets say these kids are just little shits and she has brought them up without any respect for creatures; Do you want to be friends with her? Surely not. So ignore and avoid.

Original poster
OohMavis · 05/08/2017 19:45

It's her attitude to animals I was referring to when I said she was raising psychopaths, I wasn't suggesting they were actually tiny psychopaths. She just doesn't care! Her husband's cat caught a pigeon in her garden and she let it torture and eat it over the space of an hour. The kids were watching through the patio doors, apparently. I asked why she didn't intervene and put the thing out of its misery, or shoo the cat away when the pigeon was still alive and able to escape.

"I'm not touching a pigeon. I let him have it, he caught it, it's his"

It was actually her neighbour's who keeps racing pigeons.

I always half-accepted it as a difference in sensitivities and avoided talking about it with her, but I won't be texting her back this time.

OP posts:
AtomHeart · 05/08/2017 19:46

Jeez, I think you were well out of order. I'm a veggie too. Bloody hell, a little boy killing an insect, and you call him a psychopath? Have you got any boys? OMG

ClashCityRocker · 05/08/2017 19:46

So are all the mumsnetters who posted on the killing spiders thread psychopaths too?

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 05/08/2017 19:46

It's not just the fact that he killed the beetle. He heard your dd was excited about it and wanting to show people, so he deliberately sabotaged that. Sad
A 7 year old shouldn't behave spitefully and I'm surprised he wasn't told off for that.

Labeling him "psychopath" was probably an over reaction.

kali110 · 05/08/2017 19:48

So there was a thread about the best way to kill spiders on here last night but today kids who step on bugs are psychopaths?
No, causing something pain purposely to upset another is probably why op called him a psychopath.
Maybe you were ott, but sounds like you're well rid.
I wouldn't be able to be round them either Brew

PollyFlint · 05/08/2017 19:48

People saying that you can't tell a child off for killing a beetle if you're not a fucking vegan are being ridiculous.

There is a middle ground between accepting that certain animals are killed for food, and killing things purely because you take joy in destruction. Decent people teach their kids that you don't hurt things for fun. Most kids grasp that concept pretty easily.

mumzilla88 · 05/08/2017 19:48

To label a child a psychopath to me is very disturbing. Takes a little more than stepping on a bug to create a psychopath,it's not nice to kill anything so this is the discussion that should of taken place between the ADULTS and explained to the child. Not distinguish a friendship.

Mrskeats · 05/08/2017 19:48

I agree that upsetting a younger child is also awful.

kali110 · 05/08/2017 19:48

I have no idea why there is a cup of tea it was meant to be a face

ClashCityRocker · 05/08/2017 19:49

Your friends attitude does sound hideous though. And I do think it is important to be compassion.

I just think that if a kid squashing a bug and being a bit of an arse hole about it makes them psychopaths it probably means half the country are psychopaths.

Allthewaves · 05/08/2017 19:49

Horrible situation but i think you were unreasonable calling her kids psychopaths - it's not a word u throw about

BhajiAllTheWay · 05/08/2017 19:50

what does " have you got any boys"mean?? I have boys...they are respectful of nature and love animals. I'd have not been happy at all and would not have welcomed her kids again.

ClashCityRocker · 05/08/2017 19:50

Teach compassion, I mean. Not be compassionate.

Viviennemary · 05/08/2017 19:51

They sound like horrible children. And that seems mainly down to the mother. Don't think I'd want my children associating with them. Keep clear.

RaininSummer · 05/08/2017 19:51

The child does sound like a little monster. I don't think ops comment was that out of order. Stamping deliberately on the poor beetle was a sick think to do but I don't like spider killers either. The boy may well turn out to be a school bully too with a lack of empathy for both the beetle and ops daughter's feelings.

diddl · 05/08/2017 19:51

I think calling them psychopaths was OTT.

Some kids squash insects & whilst I personally don't like it, the fact that they knew that your daughter wanted to show you the beetle & the boy stomped on it so that she couldn't is awful imo.

Your friend sounds ok/proud of it-is 7 old enough to decide not to do it anymore?

PollyFlint · 05/08/2017 19:51

Bloody hell, a little boy killing an insect, and you call him a psychopath? Have you got any boys? OMG

Firstly, I think it's pretty clear that the OP didn't mean they were literal psychopaths, FFS.

Secondly, so cruelty is 'boys will be boys', now? It's OK for little boys to kill things (and be spiteful to an excited toddler) because they're boys and that's what boys do? Christ.

Original poster
OohMavis · 05/08/2017 19:51

I do have a boy. A 7yo, the same age as this child. He's never intentionally killed anything. What's him being a boy got to do with it?

OP posts:
Ellieboolou27 · 05/08/2017 19:52

You were a little UR for the choice of words, some kids are cruel to insects, pull legs off spiders, salt on slugs etc and I find it cruel and nasty, and I hate bugs, I'd have said something but not used psychopaths Grin
Watching a cat torture a bird is awful, I know it's nature but that's quite an awful thing to watch, let alone allow her kids too.
I'm always wary of people who state they dislike animals, I tend to find them quite cold and lacking emotion.

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