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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - You don't bring a toddler to a hen do?

967 replies

whyhastherumgone · 05/08/2017 18:44

Okay, so maybe I'll be flamed by this but hopefully not.

Summary: I am organising hen do for good friend along with another friend of the bride. I don't really know the other friend, and I don't really know many of the other women who are coming because they're from different groups - ie her work, her old saturday job, her neighbour etc

Anyway I've worked really hard to try and organise everything - which is usually a nightmare anyway as people don't reply to confirm things etc etc, and have sorted out some activities etc and some lovely accommodation as well as dinner for one of the nights and a night out.

I've been out of action a little for a few days this week as I'm seven weeks pregnant and managed to get a bug that was going round, so I wasn't hot on messages and didn't see a few til yesterday.

The long and short of it is - despite everything being arranged, booked and paid for and taking place in two weeks, one of the women has now announced she will be bringing her toddler daughter and her partner because her daughter won't sleep unless she's there and her DP can't handle her tantrums when she gets hysterical, so they are both coming. DP will be there to watch her during the day at the accommodation, and they will all be coming to the meal on the friday night but we have to put the time back so it fits around her DD's feeding routine or something.

She also said she now needs a private room as she'll be with her DP and daughter - originally it's been organised in a beautiful converted barn and people are sharing, it was all previously discussed and agreed.

I'm a bit taken aback that I've just been told this - and the other woman who I'm organising it with has agreed - but it's too late for us to change the accommodation, I can't magic up an extra room and I think a toddler and partner at dinner is going to ruin the dynamic...

It's all a surprise for the bride so I haven't said anything to her as don't want to stress her out - my feeling is to go back and just say no, sorry this has all been prearranged as you know and this won't work....

Or am I being unfair?! I don't have children [yet] so I don't know if this is one of those things where actually people are going to say oh if her DD isn't sleeping then she has to work around that...

If it was a quiet, chilled out one then maybe - but there's going to be the classic hen do games, drinking games, a night out...it just seems a bit weird?

Gah. I hate hen dos. I'm going to be busy for the next one, washing my hair or something.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
12
StormTreader · 07/08/2017 16:15

"She is arranging "classy" party games because she intends to bring her family anyway. Just saying...."

Oooo good call. Make sure at least one "loudly not toddler-appropriate game" is still firmly on the list!

MaisyPops · 07/08/2017 16:23

Planning 'classy games' when she's not involved in planning the hen do? Hmm

Sweepstake on demanding woman having some kind of last minute childcare issue / emergency which means she ends up 'having' to bring toddler along.

Start rehearsing the line "Oh. Right. Sorry to hear that. We'll miss you but if you get it resolved then it would be lovely to see you... ... no. I'm afraid it is still very much a child free event, but if you can sort childcare then we'd love you to join us when you can"

GinIsIn · 07/08/2017 16:24

MaxwellDog can't eat a whole toddler so if they do turn up the other dogs are going to have to help....

Beetlejuice43 · 07/08/2017 16:28

I got into lots of trouble with posters last week as I was happy about the baby going to the hen do. Apparently I have low standards.
This, however, is selfish and bonkers - a toddler is different from a baby. She's not even a special hen as the OP was last week.
No no no no no.

murphy8037 · 07/08/2017 16:33

I've just spent a good proportion of time reading all this thread and am trying not to LOL as am at work! Can't wait to see the update? Can you post a link to it on this original thread please!?!

MistressDeeCee · 07/08/2017 16:33

Say NO. You'd be off your head to even consider this. Velcro mums are not your problem

KERALA1 · 07/08/2017 16:36

Great work op and others Grin

It is never reasonable to bring children or indeed any young offspring to any adult event. Whatever excuses you may tell yourself everyone else WILL secretly and rightfully hate you.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 07/08/2017 16:41

Maisy I'll put a quid in.

FenellaMaxwell a bit grudging, but DDog and I will take it. See you there. (and I admit the biscuit I gave you was dog friendly after all).

GreenTulips - I'm there!!!!!

I am REALLY looking forward to this. Especially petting the elephant.

Agripina · 07/08/2017 16:45

No way should this happen-she is not in touch with reality/ just be firm and explain (as if to a small chilld) that it is not good for the tiny girl, and the potential and disruption for various catastrophes is too great, and certain to ruin the occasion for the other ?? 20 ???people. She will have a massive tantrum and try to make you feel bad, cruel and unsympathetic. Don't give into to such manipulations, just keep saying "no". (Broken record.) Its your punishment tor having taken on the poisoned chalice of organising a hen- do.

This crazy woman's request is utterly ludicrous and unthinkable. You are the littlle Dutch Boy with his finger in the hole in the Dyke and there is nothing for it but to be brave, strong and calm.

Ceto · 07/08/2017 16:51

Agripina, that cheque's been cashed a long time ago.

Eragonsegg · 07/08/2017 17:11

Every classy game she suggests you need to turn into an adult version straight away! If she suggests bingo you suggest the Ann summers version where you have to fake orgasm when your numbers are up!

Cagliostro · 07/08/2017 17:30

Practically a baby 😂😂😂 wow!
As for responsive parenting...

I'm very pleased that Toddzilla is catching on 😇

Agripina · 07/08/2017 18:04

Hi Ceto, what exactly do you mean by that cheque having been cashed a long time ago? Do you mean I am only repeating the sentiments of others. I am sure you are right, whatever you mean, but please elucidate so I can understand the specifics of your comment. Thanks.

GinIsIn · 07/08/2017 18:07

Agripina it means the OP has already told her no, which Todzilla has accepted.

BendydickCuminsnatch · 07/08/2017 18:09

Agri it's a Mumsnet in joke from another thread, don't worry about it!

Stillwaitingforsummer · 07/08/2017 18:17

Great entertainment. Thanks Grin

TheWernethWife · 07/08/2017 18:25

I have Siamese cats who love being made a fuss of, can I bring them.

Agripina · 07/08/2017 18:27

Get it. Thanks.

Glitterqueenx · 07/08/2017 18:44

I nearly missed my bus home from work reading this brilliant thread. I absolutely cannot WAIT for the full report of the actual do. By the way... room for another on the minibus...? My 9 year old wants to come... I myself will be out.

Demandingcrazycockhen it's deluded...but her husband? What an actual wuss... not normal at all that to even consider attending..euw it's quite creepy actually.
OP: fair play.. you've handled this with style

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/08/2017 19:12

Dragondog reporting for child eating duties.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/08/2017 19:13

DragonDog now wants to know if the child is organic?

Does MaxwellDog know?

Doodar91 · 07/08/2017 19:16

I'm going to a hen do overnight in a few weeks. It's a 2.5 hour drive away, my daughter is just over 2 and a half and will only go to sleep with me but my partner is still happy for me to go alone despite that. Yes it's going to be hell for him but he appreciates that it's one night and as I'm a bridesmaid I cant really not go.
As for the woman you mentioned, I agree she should pull out or take a chance. No way should she take her partner and kid yo the meal. It's a girl's night out and who wants a kid around at their hen do let alone a man!

eternalopt · 07/08/2017 19:51

Just to check, the bride told her to get on her bike re bringing her kid to the wedding didn't she, even after demanding woman explained how she thought it would be ok? Your post says she started off saying that, but want to check she finished off saying that too. Cheeky mare

Original poster
whyhastherumgone · 07/08/2017 20:09

Wow I didn't realise this was still going! Sorry I disappeared.

Yes the bride has told her very firmly that a child free wedding is in fact a child free wedding so her child will not be attending.

Only recent developments are Demanding Woman trying to take over every aspect of hen party that's not the accommodation or activities - i.e. the games, the food, the drink etc. I've left her to it as nobody on the chat really seems to be having it.

I've also reiterated who is in what room on the chat so there's no confusion as to whether Demanding Woman can just insert herself in the living room with some kind of childcare crisis. You've all made me paranoid she's going to try and make it happen still!

OP posts:
mamabeak · 07/08/2017 20:12

Reply
"I think, if that is the scenario, perhaps you and your husband will have arrange alternative accommodation for your family as the current sleeping arrangments cannot be changed at this point.
As to the meal time change, obviously we will try - if everyone else agrees - to bring it forward, but just to let you know, it may neither be possible nor be agreed on by eveyrone."