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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - You don't bring a toddler to a hen do?

967 replies

whyhastherumgone · 05/08/2017 18:44

Okay, so maybe I'll be flamed by this but hopefully not.

Summary: I am organising hen do for good friend along with another friend of the bride. I don't really know the other friend, and I don't really know many of the other women who are coming because they're from different groups - ie her work, her old saturday job, her neighbour etc

Anyway I've worked really hard to try and organise everything - which is usually a nightmare anyway as people don't reply to confirm things etc etc, and have sorted out some activities etc and some lovely accommodation as well as dinner for one of the nights and a night out.

I've been out of action a little for a few days this week as I'm seven weeks pregnant and managed to get a bug that was going round, so I wasn't hot on messages and didn't see a few til yesterday.

The long and short of it is - despite everything being arranged, booked and paid for and taking place in two weeks, one of the women has now announced she will be bringing her toddler daughter and her partner because her daughter won't sleep unless she's there and her DP can't handle her tantrums when she gets hysterical, so they are both coming. DP will be there to watch her during the day at the accommodation, and they will all be coming to the meal on the friday night but we have to put the time back so it fits around her DD's feeding routine or something.

She also said she now needs a private room as she'll be with her DP and daughter - originally it's been organised in a beautiful converted barn and people are sharing, it was all previously discussed and agreed.

I'm a bit taken aback that I've just been told this - and the other woman who I'm organising it with has agreed - but it's too late for us to change the accommodation, I can't magic up an extra room and I think a toddler and partner at dinner is going to ruin the dynamic...

It's all a surprise for the bride so I haven't said anything to her as don't want to stress her out - my feeling is to go back and just say no, sorry this has all been prearranged as you know and this won't work....

Or am I being unfair?! I don't have children [yet] so I don't know if this is one of those things where actually people are going to say oh if her DD isn't sleeping then she has to work around that...

If it was a quiet, chilled out one then maybe - but there's going to be the classic hen do games, drinking games, a night out...it just seems a bit weird?

Gah. I hate hen dos. I'm going to be busy for the next one, washing my hair or something.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
12
GreenTulips · 07/08/2017 11:51

Bride is involved - read the thread

MadMags · 07/08/2017 11:54

London don't you think that 35 pages later there might have been some update?

MachineBee · 07/08/2017 12:00

OP. As we're almost on last page, we might need a new thread and link on this one before it reaches 1,000 posts... far too invested in thisGrin

youarenotkiddingme · 07/08/2017 12:13

Yes it was a baby shower!

She's not alone though. Another cousin organised one for her sister and stayed child free (then bought her own toddler Hmm). Interestingly on this one though cousin who showed was for them did a kind of post shower BBQ and made a point of saying kids invited.

HeyBigSpender · 07/08/2017 12:48

I can't believe some people!! Amazing

Lunde · 07/08/2017 12:52

So are the "new classy games" a ruse to make to hen do more toddler friendly so that she can suddenly decide she has to bring PFB and DH along. She'll say it's a child friendly event!

SpareChangeDownTheSofa · 07/08/2017 12:59

Lunde Noone has ever been more right about anything in their entire lives. BEWARE OP.

mummabubs · 07/08/2017 13:01

@MadamePomfrey Yup! You got it! I think at the time I was literally so shocked I didn't know what to do- and didn't want to slag this friend off to all the other hens who are in the same social group as the organiser. Me and other sister just exchanged very surprised/evil glances over our cocktails! 😂🙈

Summerlovin24 · 07/08/2017 13:21

Children and hen parties don't mix ever. You are totally correct. Yhat woman, not only is she being unreasonable, but is making a rod for her own back. The dad needs to stay home and parent and deal with the tantrums and bed time or he will be ( another) useless man.

CMDesign · 07/08/2017 13:27

OMG this is too funny!! Reading this in the office wasn't the best idea, getting some funny looks from laughing constantly!
Can you all come to my hen do as none of my own friends want to come! Its gone from a spa day in the lakes with 20ish people to afternoon tea in a little bakery with 6 people attending - including me, my mother, MOH (cousin) and BM (sister)! Im almost tempted to take my LO to my own hen do just to make numbers up!!

mumoseven · 07/08/2017 13:47

The last hen I went to was a tea and prosecco and cakes, bride brought her well behaved 8 year old and a friend. The two little girls behaved beautifully and brought things to do and were a delight. But that was an afternoon do.

Sassyfaff · 07/08/2017 13:50

That's ridiculous and bloody cheeky to even ask!! I seriously would just have to bail out if I was this friend and if my partner wasn't man enough wasn't able to handle his own child's tantrums... good luck OP, sounds like you'd have a much better time without her anyway tbh!

Cupcake99 · 07/08/2017 13:55

@fenella will halloumi do??

BuntyMumofPie · 07/08/2017 14:03

I hope there's more updates

pollymere · 07/08/2017 14:10

Oh bum. I recognize that one! My dd who's now eleven wouldn't sleep until I was back in the house if I ever went out. It's not being precious, and my poor dh tried everything whilst she got seriously overtired. She may have thought this was an ideal solution to her problem but it's obviously not going to work and they can't just come to the meal! In a similar situation, I got a hotel room for them nearby and they had a special treat dinner (takeaway McDonald's I think!) I popped back for bedtime but otherwise was with the party.

2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney · 07/08/2017 14:14

I married when a hen do was not that common and not the thing they are today. Mine was taking the 4 bridesmaids out for Sunday lunch the day before 3 adults and 2 children including my own. Lovely day.
Fast forward to my own daughters last year with the willy straws and reading the thread about the shots from the butlers buttocks , the latter particularly not my scene thank you.
Having read the whole thread with Todzilla now wanting classier games maybe she is squeamish about the butler thing. First considering bringing child and DH , then suggesting "classier" games. I know I would make my excuses and leave. Each to their own but that very activity I find disrespectful to men and unappealing. I would not be impressed either if my husband was at a strip show or in a "salon" .
Just a thought.

iamapixiebutnotaniceone · 07/08/2017 14:39

I really want to come to this hen party!

rightwhine · 07/08/2017 14:58

2bees If she "squeamish" then she needn't go!

MudGolum · 07/08/2017 15:10

I'm coming just to pet the animals.

2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney · 07/08/2017 15:15

I agree rightwhine and that is the answer. I am just thinking that the changing the games may be the real reason than the original toddler. Mind you given that she was expecting to bring tot to the wedding it's probably more entitledness rather than just squeamish.

GinIsIn · 07/08/2017 15:15

cupcake Haloumi is acceptable to MaxwellDog

Bondixx · 07/08/2017 15:31

Believe me - I understand clingy toddlers and the husband that goes with them but a hen party is for hens only - I have had to forgo a hen party because of similar reasons before but I did not put my family issues onto anyone else! Redirect her to this thread if she has any issues. But please stick to your guns - children should NOT be at a hen party, none of the other hens will appreciate this! X

3luckystars · 07/08/2017 15:41

Looking forward to hearing about the hen night, I hope you have a great time anyway!

A few years back a friends sister organised a surprise baby party for her, it wasn't a baby shower, nobody brought presents or anything, it's just the girl having the baby had been through a lot and the baby was such good news, we all showed up to make a big fuss of her and eat cake. It was such a lovely afternoon, we were all catching up because we rarely get out together.
Anyway, one woman showed up with her toddler, it didn't really bother me but it REALLY angered a few people. One friend who is so quiet usually, was LIVID about it, she was saying out loud 'I didn't bring my children and I have travelled 2 hours' and was making grindy teeth noises!
I was really taken aback at how mad the other mothers were!
(Just to say, there was no childcare issues, she had an older child that she left at home, but she dressed the baby in designer clothes and showed up) it was a bad move.

So in summary, if this lady turns up to the wedding with an uninvited cross toddler then I'd say there will be a lot of people very angry with her. Best of luck at the hen party!

TriniRedVelvet · 07/08/2017 15:41

She is arranging "classy" party games because she intends to bring her family anyway. Just saying....

doubleshotespresso · 07/08/2017 15:49

OP I take my hat off to you..... I really do, this thread reminded me of a thread I had ages ago about a naming ceremony, the stress was immense!!! People just have no idea and cannot see outside their own bubble sometimes.

Hope you all enjoy a fabulous, child and stress-free weekend and that this "friend" drinks herself into an early stupor and you can all fold her into her precious sofa bed. My favourites on this so far are definitely Fenella's comment and the pasta references....

ENJOY Flowers