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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - You don't bring a toddler to a hen do?

967 replies

whyhastherumgone · 05/08/2017 18:44

Okay, so maybe I'll be flamed by this but hopefully not.

Summary: I am organising hen do for good friend along with another friend of the bride. I don't really know the other friend, and I don't really know many of the other women who are coming because they're from different groups - ie her work, her old saturday job, her neighbour etc

Anyway I've worked really hard to try and organise everything - which is usually a nightmare anyway as people don't reply to confirm things etc etc, and have sorted out some activities etc and some lovely accommodation as well as dinner for one of the nights and a night out.

I've been out of action a little for a few days this week as I'm seven weeks pregnant and managed to get a bug that was going round, so I wasn't hot on messages and didn't see a few til yesterday.

The long and short of it is - despite everything being arranged, booked and paid for and taking place in two weeks, one of the women has now announced she will be bringing her toddler daughter and her partner because her daughter won't sleep unless she's there and her DP can't handle her tantrums when she gets hysterical, so they are both coming. DP will be there to watch her during the day at the accommodation, and they will all be coming to the meal on the friday night but we have to put the time back so it fits around her DD's feeding routine or something.

She also said she now needs a private room as she'll be with her DP and daughter - originally it's been organised in a beautiful converted barn and people are sharing, it was all previously discussed and agreed.

I'm a bit taken aback that I've just been told this - and the other woman who I'm organising it with has agreed - but it's too late for us to change the accommodation, I can't magic up an extra room and I think a toddler and partner at dinner is going to ruin the dynamic...

It's all a surprise for the bride so I haven't said anything to her as don't want to stress her out - my feeling is to go back and just say no, sorry this has all been prearranged as you know and this won't work....

Or am I being unfair?! I don't have children [yet] so I don't know if this is one of those things where actually people are going to say oh if her DD isn't sleeping then she has to work around that...

If it was a quiet, chilled out one then maybe - but there's going to be the classic hen do games, drinking games, a night out...it just seems a bit weird?

Gah. I hate hen dos. I'm going to be busy for the next one, washing my hair or something.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
12
OlennasWimple · 05/08/2017 18:58

No. No, no, no

mmgirish · 05/08/2017 18:59

Say no! That is an outrageous request!

whiteroseredrose · 05/08/2017 18:59

Agreed. Definitely no. She'll have to miss this one.

squoosh · 05/08/2017 18:59

What if everyone wants to stay up until 5am drinking and shrieking with laughter while reminiscing about the time the bride was fingered by that bloke at the school disco. Won't be able to that with a toddler in the house.

TurnipCake · 05/08/2017 19:00

How the feck does the other organiser plan to 'somehow make it work'? Probably the type that boobs a child to sleep

MadMags · 05/08/2017 19:00

I would text:

Apologies for late reply. I'm afraid partners and children aren't invited and can't be accommodated. Please let me know asap if you need to cancel, but hope you can still make it. Thanks.

PollyFlint · 05/08/2017 19:02

She wants to bring them to the dinner because apparently toddler is very clingy and has the epic tantrums when mum isn't around

This kid sounds like a real delight for the rest of you to have around you for a weekend... Hmm

Ditsy1980 · 05/08/2017 19:02

Seriously?!
As above, it's not on. A "I'm sorry, everything is booked now and we can't accommodate this".
If her partner can't cope with the toddler melt-downs then she needs to either send them to her Mums or just not come to the hen do.
Regardless of whether they are out of the way it will change the whole dynamic of the weekend.

squoosh · 05/08/2017 19:02

But the other organiser friend doesn't seem to have an issue and was all 'we'll make it work somehow'. HOW EXACTLY???

She's an idiot. Text the bride if you need to.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 05/08/2017 19:02

I think if I were in your shoes I'd construct something back that puts the onus on this 'hen' to make it work if that's what she wants to do, but point out it's all booked (and paid for???).

I suppose the bit we don't know and you might is how close is she to the bride and how much does the bride value her being there?

Congrats on your pregnancy btw

JayZed · 05/08/2017 19:04

Unless the toddler can make cocktails say its a big fat fucking no. With bells on

TopBitchoftheWitches · 05/08/2017 19:04

Maybe you could consider that this woman actually doesn't have a choice about this?

Not having a dig in any way at all. But that would have been me many many years ago.

Ditsy1980 · 05/08/2017 19:04

Also, I have children and majority of my friends do, I'm really close to their kids and love them. However, if I was the bride and one of them brought their child to the hen do I'd be really pissed off.

AppleJacques · 05/08/2017 19:05

I'm sorry but this really made me laugh, I agree with pp's tell to not come. What a weirdo, my kids were prone to many a tantrum but I just gracefully bowed out of stuff during their worst phases, I didn't inflict them on other people.

RebornSlippy · 05/08/2017 19:06

What the actual fuck? She has 2 choices here. Book her own accommodation and attend whatever she can. Without her DH and child (Jesus Christ Hmm). Or stay at home.

This is why I refuse to organise anything which involves large groups of women. Pain the arse.

glitterglitters · 05/08/2017 19:08

I have a clingy toddler who dh can't often settle to bed.

I havein the past, either

a) not gone to the hen do
Or
b) told him to get on with it. I've had to learn to settle them and he does too.

MadMags · 05/08/2017 19:08

Maybe you could consider that this woman actually doesn't have a choice about this?

Well, she has the choice not to go?

Beadieeye · 05/08/2017 19:08

Someone beat me to it: no. No, no, no.
Just

No.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 05/08/2017 19:08

Her having a useless DP who can't even to manage to look after his own child is not your, nor the bride to be's problem.

I seriously hope she's a MNetter [waves]

OutComeTheWolves · 05/08/2017 19:09

I've been on one hen do where someone brought their toddler along just for the start of the night so they could 'see everybody'.

Of course, they ended up staying for a few hours (was not living in uk - somewhere bars are child friendly until quite late). Then once it was time for toddler to leave, the woman had to leave too because her dh couldn't possibly do the bedtime routine on his own.

It was v frustrating because the woman couldn't see at all that the presence of a child totally changed the tone of the evening because nobody wants to get hammered with a kid around.

Not that it matters at all, but the woman & the bride are both from the uk so it wasn't a cultural misunderstanding or anything. I'm pretty sure she was aware of the longstanding tradition of getting shit-faced on hen and stag dos.

bettybyebye · 05/08/2017 19:10

This is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever read on here! Unbelievably entitled and presumptuous of her, and an absolute no no. I have 2 small dc and the absolute best thing about attending 2 hen does this year has been child free weekends away! No one (including the bride!) will want a toddler and a bloke there. You need to let her know in no uncertain terms

bettybyebye · 05/08/2017 19:11

Topbitch she does have a choice - she can choose to not go!!

TeachesOfPeaches · 05/08/2017 19:11

Maybe the woman is friends with the boob to sleep glamping one and this is all normal in their alternative universe.

thepatchworkcat · 05/08/2017 19:12

TopBitch she does have a choice - not go to the hen do. I missed things when I had a bfing baby, it's just the way it goes sometimes.

You cannot take a toddler and partner on a hen do, it's madness!

paxillin · 05/08/2017 19:12

Absolutely not! Hen do is for the friends of the bride. You can't bring baby, granddad, husband, neighbours etc.