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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Stepkids with verrucas

343 replies

thelentil · 05/08/2017 17:28

Two skids, 7 and 8 have untreated veruccas, don't wear socks, get nits, which don't get treated, they stay every other weekend. I have a 3yo and don't want her constantly exposed to this stuff. AIBU to not want them around my toddler? What can I do? Spend every other weekend bleaching and de nitting?

OP posts:
brasty · 05/08/2017 18:56

Veruccas have no effective treatment.Nits obviously need treatment.

Fuckssakes01 · 05/08/2017 18:59

The lentil. Your partner is working part time to enable him to care for your child, but you do realise this will hugely impact on his ability to provide for his OTHER two kids dont you? Surely you can see why this would cause anger on the part of the step children mother??? It would be much much fairer for you both to be out maximising earning s so that he can make a sensible decent contribution. Put yourself in her situation, how would you feel if you partner left, had a another baby with someone else and then worked minimal hours therby failing to provide for his existing kids. And why does he only se them EOW? That is also crap.
On the issue of the nits etc, well as other posters have said, nits ar a fact of life when kids hit pre school/ primary school. You can treat one day and they are back the next. You treat check and repeat for years. Veruccas are hugely problematic too for some people. You will learn all this when you PFB grows up a bit!! Have you condidred that maybe the stepkids Mum cant actualky afgord to keep treating, a basic bottle of nit treatment is nearly £10 (much more for some brands) And with two kids to treat maybe she just cant keep that up.
You said yourself she struggles with them so maybe its time to increase time soent with their Father, no?

Gottagetmoving · 05/08/2017 19:00

The situation is their mother won't do what you think she should be doing.
I doubt she will change so your DH, if he is concerned, should have a serious word with her or report it to a health visitor or apply for custody.
If nothing can be done then your DH should do the nit and verruca treatments as often as needed.

Personally, as they are children, I wouldn't have a problem helping them because they will suffer if the adults are all arguing like kids about who should be doing it.
I think your main resentment is that your DH has an ex wife and kids.

Allthewaves · 05/08/2017 19:01

Firstly it's utterly vile to call any child a skid.

Why r they only staying every other weekend if he's at home? If he saw them more then he could help with these personal care issues.

It's simple though. Just do a quick hair check when the arrive. If nitty wack on herin once - kills everything in one go. Get the kids funky house socks and get dh to treat their feet

Original poster
thelentil · 05/08/2017 19:01

I'm not calling SS over nits and veruccas, or dirty clothes, or if they haven't washed in a couple of days, we just get on and do it. They want to live with her, she wants them to live with her, whatever her struggles are she's hostile toward me so I'm not intervening in her life, only theirs. I'm not going to interfere with whatever maintenance agreement he has with her, it's between them. There's a fine line between being a bit crap and neglect, she walks it. I wish she would get her shot together

OP posts:
Fuckssakes01 · 05/08/2017 19:07

Thr maintenance agreement isn't just between them, as you've already said she thinks your earnings should be taken into account, which given th circumstances would actually seem extremely fair to me, no wonder she is 'hostile' !! If you really dont know you need to be asking ans ascertaining if the maintenance is actualky adequate to mee these kids needs, which by the sounds of it unless she is in a stellar well paid job sounds very unlikely. Cant you see that he has an obligation first and foremost to the kids he had before even meeting you OP!! He doesn't have the luxury of being a virtuak SAHD!!

Lovemusic33 · 05/08/2017 19:07

He sees them once a fortnight, he's probably not paying towards them (working partimecto dodge CSA payments)?

The best thing he can do is step up, get more regular contact and look after his kids, they are half his after all?

Underthemoonlight · 05/08/2017 19:09

Out of interest how much maintenance does your dh pay to his ex for two dc? I wonder if this is why she is so hostile because she is stressed financially especially as your current step up enables you to work and be the bread winner but at the same time affecting the financial responsibility for his existing dc.

Gottagetmoving · 05/08/2017 19:09

I think you are both hostile to each other.
It would be nice if you could both put yourselves in each other's shoes and try to consider what's best for the children. The poor kids must pick up on all the hostility.

lookatyourwatchnow · 05/08/2017 19:10

I think you're getting a hard time actually, OP. Clearly you do care about your step children and have been doing what you can to treat them. Their mum should be doing this as well as their dad and the fact that she isn't wouldn't merit SS involvement as a previous poster suggested but is still shit. I actually don't know what to suggest other than to keep treating them as you have been and tell their dad to be more assertive with their mum

Legwarmersforboys · 05/08/2017 19:11

I would treat the nits/verrucas when they are with you you (& really don't want to catch them my verruca has been with me for 3 years - the fuckers don't die in adults)
While your at it you might want to check for threadworms.

mintbiscuit · 05/08/2017 19:13

I am trying to look out for them, but they are not my children

Wow. If my dh had that attitude towards ds1 (who is his stepson) I would be getting rid of him. You are all a family now. That's what you signed up for when you got married.

Agree with other posters who said it's a DH issue. He needs to sort this shit out WITH you though.

Pumperthepumper · 05/08/2017 19:16

If you and their father agree that they're not being cared for properly then why doesn't he have them more often? And look after them properly?

It's an absolute fucking disgrace that none of you are taking responsibility for them.

Toysaurus · 05/08/2017 19:16

I don't think she cares. I only see vitriol in the information given.

My DD dad - ex - moans that she gets nits. I check her all the time. Sometimes she gets them On a Friday from school and takes them to his house. What am I supposed to do about that? Still my fault though.

He moans about every single childhood illness and ailment she picks up as if I do it to spite him. He's never paid a penny of maintenance in seven years.

He sounds a lot like you. Children don't bring these things over to spite you. It's quiet possible the mum has tried treating them but you clearly think of them with contempt - obviously calling them skids and begrudging the fact they need housing and food.

Pumperthepumper · 05/08/2017 19:16

If you and their father agree that they're not being cared for properly then why doesn't he have them more often? And look after them properly?

It's an absolute fucking disgrace that none of you are taking responsibility for them.

talonofthehawk · 05/08/2017 19:18

OP they aren't your kids. I don't care what anyone says.
I wouldn't want to be treating veruccas and lice nor exposing my child to them.

You DP can treat them all he likes but they'll be reinfected at their mothers house.
Social services must be involved- you can't do anything about it.

Original poster
thelentil · 05/08/2017 19:22

I have tried to welcome her in, make small talk etc, she won't make eye contact, just disappears straight upstairs into their room.

Fucksake. I am not liable to pay for her children. I'm just not. He has always worked pt, two days a week, he now also works evenings for them, we don't need him to work evenings, I would prefer to have a bit of help with toddler after work, but he gets a bit extra in and gives her the CSA recommendation amount

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 05/08/2017 19:25

If he Hedrins them every time that'll sort the nits. And they are probably old enough, if they are sensible, to Bazooka (or whatever the current equivalent is) each other if he gives them the stuff....

Pumperthepumper · 05/08/2017 19:26

You don't need him to work evenings but his children do.

Honestly, do you not worry that he'll be this shit about your kid if you ever split up?

Gottagetmoving · 05/08/2017 19:26

OP they aren't your kids. I don't care what anyone says

They are her child's siblings and her husband's children. I doubt anyone would want to marry the type of person who says 'they are not my kids' when their child needs something.
Don't get involved with someone who has kids if you are not prepared to treat them as equal to any children you may then have!

Pumperthepumper · 05/08/2017 19:26

You don't need him to work evenings but his children do.

Honestly, do you not worry that he'll be this shit about your kid if you ever split up?

JacquesHammer · 05/08/2017 19:27

Fuck me he must be paying her a pittance.

"We don't need him to work evenings"

No. But his CHILDREN do. They're not written out because you've got a kid

Anecdoche · 05/08/2017 19:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/08/2017 19:29

There isn't a grown up adult amongst the three of you. You're all doing the blame game and it's pathetic and ugly. This involves innocent, lovely children, who are being ruined by ugliness and nastiness. They're not rats,they're little kids. Your dh has made a choice to be a sahd for your dd. He is definitely shirking his responsibilities to his other children and you are enabling him. I'm flabbergasted that you can be so unfeeling toward these children. If you don't want to step up, then as another poster said, you need to step down and at least give these poor children half a chance at finding a loving, caring stepmum. God knows they need a loving and stabilising influence in their lives, poor mites.

I agree NotYoda this sounds very familiar. Ugh! I feel dirty now and in need of a shower.

NotTheDuchessOfCambridge · 05/08/2017 19:30

Skids......nice. I see you really care about them.