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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Stepkids with verrucas

343 replies

thelentil · 05/08/2017 17:28

Two skids, 7 and 8 have untreated veruccas, don't wear socks, get nits, which don't get treated, they stay every other weekend. I have a 3yo and don't want her constantly exposed to this stuff. AIBU to not want them around my toddler? What can I do? Spend every other weekend bleaching and de nitting?

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 05/08/2017 17:56

She's the earner

Which they decided as a couple so he could care for their DD. It's no good being resentful then that you have to pay for his children from a previous relationship

Anecdoche · 05/08/2017 17:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1468353179 · 05/08/2017 17:57

Poor kids.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 05/08/2017 17:57

I'd be pissed off in your position too op. I'd be questioning my whole relationship with a man who neglects his kids. I'm sure if I didn't see an immediate improvement I would find the only feelings I had for him would be revulsion.

As a sahd he's probably not even paying maintainence is he? Yup, my affection for a man like that would wither away very quickly.

Original poster
thelentil · 05/08/2017 17:58

MommaGee, they lived with us for over a year while she tried to get her career on track, she struggles with life. Don't have a problem with the children, however their mother is just horrendous and I would never have signed up for the "stepkid package" if I had known. However, she is their mother, she wants them to live with her, they want to live with her and their dad wants them to live with her. I just don't want my toddler having to catch these preventable things.

OP posts:
PerpetualStudent · 05/08/2017 17:58

You have a DH problem, not a stepkid or stepkids' mum problem.

Cupcake1315 · 05/08/2017 17:58

You don't sound like you like these children very much. I hope my children never have a step mum like you. You seem to begrudge them everything, food, clothes etc. It's not the children's fault that you guys agreed for him to be a SAHP. So I'm sorry it's not your money it's family money and it should be spend on their needs also.

So I guess they can expect no treats from your household. Imagine if you had to buy them shoes, like a nice pair you'd probably lose the plot.

Just let them wear socks and you treat it while they are with your partner. If their mother is useless your ex needs to do more. Not fair but by far the right thing to do.

I was a stepmum to 3 kids for near 12 years. Their mums were awful. As my ex and I had family money I didn't blink an eye when he spent it on them. I made more than him. They had to be de nitted often and my ex and I took turns, we were a team, I would have one in front of me and him the other. Sometimes they were in such a state we'd take them home wash them and dress them again. We bought clothes monthly. It wasn't their fault their mums couldn't be bothered to wash them or remind them to keep them clean.

Don't call them skids. It doesn't sound nice. As someone mentioned. Socks are your friends. Use them.

Be careful how you act because tables turn and your PFB might encounter a stepmum like you. Either step up or down.

JacquesHammer · 05/08/2017 17:58

MovingOn makes a good point - is he paying maintenance?

IdentifiesAsYoda · 05/08/2017 17:59

This sounds very familiar

Quetzalcoatl777 · 05/08/2017 18:01

Poor, poor, children. Neglected by their mother AND their father, and resented by their step mother. Can you imagine how they must feel?

Verruccas and nits are a fact of life and your own DC will be exposed to them as soon as they start to mix with other kids.

Advice now is not to treat verrucas as they eventually disappear on their own and the cure can do much more damage than leaving them alone. Buy them some flip flops for use in the shower/damp areas and encourage them to wear socks around the home - though they will not spread on carpet etc.

Their dad should treat their hair when they come round. He should do it every time just as he should if they were living with you on a full time basis. Their father is just as responsible for this as their mother.

Sounds to me as if the problem lies with your DH as much as with his ex. Do not take your resentment put on the poor children.

missiondecision · 05/08/2017 18:01

Verucca treatment is easy though. And everyone wears socks or flip flops.
Look at this way... how would treat a niece or nephew if the mother did nothing? A lot of advice is that the verrucca will go eventually without treatment.
Nits is annoying but it could and will be your own child one day. How will you feel if she has them and the step kids catch from her.
I've learnt from these threads you must be Mary Poppins I'm afraid, buckle up and pack your guilt trips bags. A lot.

Gooseberrycrumble4 · 05/08/2017 18:03

Look They are only minor aliments. Not major diseases! Grow up

crazykitten20 · 05/08/2017 18:05

@thelentil

I can really understand your frustration. I might well feel the same way. But what can you do? You have to run with it for the good of all the kids. Can't your bloke be taught to step up more?

gillybeanz · 05/08/2017 18:06

Why are you with a man who isn't parenting his children.
Their mother is nothing to do with you, but their father is.
The poor kids are neglected by both parents Sad

MommaGee · 05/08/2017 18:07

PerpetualStudent You have a DH problem, not a stepkid or stepkids' mum problem

Exactly what I was about to post.

I do have empathy for you OP. You're not being treated fairly by either parent. REMEMBER you are mirroring healthy relationships for your daughter.

Is he paying maintenance?

Original poster
thelentil · 05/08/2017 18:07

Cupcake, I did actually buy 7yo a nice pair of shoes, I regularly get their clothes. Their mother won't let her wear them as she thought the money should have been spent on something else. He does pay maintenance as he works evenings, however she thinks it's not enough and should be based on my earnings. I do treat them, take them out etc. I also nag them to wear socks. He does also treat their veruccas, and their nits, but they have to actually come here for that to happen. The point I was trying to make was that I think their mother should be trying to sort this out also.

OP posts:
Glumglowworm · 05/08/2017 18:08

Your problem is that your DH is a dick who neglects his children.

Yes their mother is neglecting them as well. So all the more reason for DH to step up, spend more time with them, do the things that their mum isn't doing.

happypoobum · 05/08/2017 18:09

You have a DH problem.

Why are you the one running around sorting all this out. Tell him he has to do it - he sounds utterly useless.

MommaGee · 05/08/2017 18:11

Ok so the new post is DH is amazing but ex isn't looking after them.

So why their dad wants them to live with her? If my ex and I split and I want caring for DS properly I would expect him to demand more access, be on my case and potentially be looking at fighting for custody.

Or is this the only issues and they're otherwise well looked after and we're all jumping to conclusions?

MommaGee · 05/08/2017 18:11

Wasn't

MsLexicon · 05/08/2017 18:11

'Skids'?
wtf?
Horrible expression. You knew your partner had these children but you just want them to disappear. However.He needs to look after them as well as you.
I would treat these children as my own. In fact any child.

Moanyoldcow · 05/08/2017 18:13

What the saddest thing here is the complete lack of sympathy I get from OP for the children which are being neglected.

No one, man or woman has any business being involved with someone with children if they aren't willing to treat them with kindness and love.

If your DH isn't doing his bit that's a separate issue. I bet if it were you DC you'd do what was needed even if you DH wasn't. You might be pissed off but you'd do it.

Accept the kids or move on but don't whine about looking after children who didn't ask to be in the middle of your shitty adult relationships.

Notreallyarsed · 05/08/2017 18:14

I just don't want my toddler having to catch these preventable things

My DSDs regularly came to us with nits, scabies, infected grazes, verrucas, warts, you name it. Every fucking time they came there was something that their mother should have done but hadn't. So we treated them, because it must have been miserable for them and we have a responsibility towards them too.

OP all of your ire is aimed at your DH ex, when he should be treating these issues as well. All of it is about protecting your child and nothing about how uncomfortable and embarrassed these poor bairns must be with verrucas and jumping with lice. You need to tell your DH to be a proper dad and not a lazy arse.

Backingvocals · 05/08/2017 18:18

I just don't want my toddler having to catch these preventable things

Sorry but you are in for a shock. You will spend years of your life treating nits which are not preventable. I've done three treatments so far this holiday and I'm still battling. Veruccas are another fact of life but tend to fix themselves eventually. This is life with children.

I'm sorry you are dealing with it but you have a DH problem rather than a step kids issue or even an ex issue. Going by my experience this holiday she could have done three rounds of treatment already Sad

InvisibleCities · 05/08/2017 18:20

OK, so when they come to you your DH treats their headlice immediately - conditioner in the bath and nitcomb, then puts verruca plasters on them. At least then they get relief for 2/3 days. And he can buy them some socks.