AIBU? Stepkids with verrucas

[thelentil]

Two skids, 7 and 8 have untreated veruccas, don't wear socks, get nits, which don't get treated, they stay every other weekend. I have a 3yo and don't want her constantly exposed to this stuff. AIBU to not want them around my toddler? What can I do? Spend every other weekend bleaching and de nitting?

We have treated the veruccas, because they are painful

Do you think their dad does enough for them?

There's a step parenting section on here. Too bad you posted in AIBU. Some people are scarred by their own evil step parents and take their revenge on here

And some people just disagree with the OP. That is allowed you know......

No I haven't picked through. I've taken some examples of the bitterness you clearly feel for your stepchildren and their mother and fed them back to you. There are many many more examples. The fact that you don't want to see it isn't my responsibility. The same as you don't think the step children are your responsibility. The children may wish to live with their mother. But you know it's not the best place for them and are choosing to neither step up nor step down. And are not expecting much of your dh either despite his working part time. It's all on the ex.

You can expect her to sort her own kids out all you like, OP, but she's clearly not up to the job.

If she's not dealing with problems like nits and veruccas, someone else needs to. As their dad doesn't seem that bothered, if you're the only other adult, you need to do it for their sake. It's the kind thing to do.

And don't forget, they're half-siblings to your little one, and part of your family too.

To be fair to the op, I don't think she's complaining that she has to do it, just that their dm doesn't.

Nits are a pain in the ass, especially when only treated sporadically and not as a routine. I can get your frustration but as pp's have said they are your dsc and they are also your responsibility, so it's one of those things you have to either say something or suck it up.

Next time I suggest you post in step parenting, they're sometimes mean but not Aibu mean!

Well I feel sorry for you lentil and am also surprised at the vitriol here. Your life is being negatively influenced by your partners crappy ex who treats you without respect despite all the help you gave her in the past. What you needed was people saying 'don't worry keep it up life is shit sometimes but concentrate on the good times.' So I will say it

They want to live with their mother,

Hardly surprising, if the alternative is living with a stepparent who seems to regard them as little more than a source of contagion.

He already had those children before he had another so they must be paid for first.

First before who, his child with the op?
Aren't the children all meant to be equal?

All the children should be treated equal. I feel sad for OP as I know how hard it can be, I have been there but luckily I did not have dc's with my partner, social services were involved and it started similar to this (kids were untidy, house was a mess), it went on for a while and eventually the kids were taken off of her and their dad was asked to step up, he was living with me and I did not have the room for his dc's and I didn't want them (due to many reasons) so I asked him to leave to look after his children. He refused which made me realise what a prick he was and we split up.
You may think that the kids are happy with their mother, you may think they are not being neglected but from what you have said they are clearly being neglected. She's not treating the nits, she's not concerned about the verucas even though they are causing pain, they are dirty and she can't even manage to give them antibiotics regularly when they are poorly? That's enough to cause concern with social services who have already been involved before.

I'm not saying your a shit step parent but your partner is a shit dad for not doing more, he should be getting advice from social services to get more contact with his kids so he can make sure they are better cared for. If he's working part time then he has more time to see them? I feel sorry for you as people are ranting at you for getting involved with him, it's not easy to see how things are going to pan out, being a step parent isn't easy at all and dealing with a partners ex wife isn't easy either. I have done the step parenting thing and then got involved with someone else with young kids, I won't be doing it again as it's just too stressful.

There's a step parenting section on here. Too bad you posted in AIBU. Some people are scarred by their own evil step parents and take their revenge on here.

Yes, I've heard there's a section where step parents can seek valuable support, and from frequent remarks like this one it seems it's also a useful arena for apologists of unkindness and resentment towards children whose parent you've shacked up with"

The issue with replies OP is your inconsistencies. I get the first post was badly-worded-rant let-it-all-out rather rhqn actually wanting to stop the kids coming over.
People assumed he didn't work because when I asked if he was a SAHD you said basically yes. Which leads people to assume he's not earning and not contributing. Not an unreasonable assumption but now he's working full time 2 nights 2 days.

It started with nits and varuccas but has veered into not giving antibiotics properly and them having dirt clothes and I think it was ring worm or worms being untreaTed.
Then when people say that sounds neglectful you say geez its just nits, its fine!!!

You said why is it always your reaponsibility to do then dawhenever remembers then dad will do it when he rememberes then dad is awesome and does it all. From the impression he doesn't contribute to you have no idea to they have
most of his pay check.

A few people have asked if DH was solo parenting yours DD to the same standard 12 out of 14 days whether you would be ok with that. And why he has them so little. If he's comcernee about their welfare, why isn't he doing more? Not ripping them from their screaming and mothers arms but more practical support

The problem isn't always easy to fix though. Mine have had verrucas, painful, yes, but refuse to let me put stuff on. (Often you need to use am emery board which mine hate).

The nit combing - well I do it once a week as a matter of course, so I assume you do it anyway on your weekends.

My point is sometimes, you can't force children to have treatment for what is relatively minor stuff.

@OP
"So I wrote a poorly worded vent, as I couldn't say anything to them or in front of them, apart from put your socks on. "

Why did you do this? What did their FATHER do? Why isn't he addressing it?

Omg mumsnet at its best.

Op "my dhs kids come to ours riddled with nits, verrucas, utis from dehyrdratiom and infected grazes. I ask my husband to treat these and he occasionally does or I end up doing it - but as soon as they return to their mother she does not keep up with it and they are once again full of nits etc. Aibu to be pissed off that it's not my job to do this but their actual parents don't give a shit"

Mumsnet " YOU ARE AN EVIL PERSON. You clearly hate these kids. You have no idea what their mother is going through!! You are going to HELL!"

😂👏👏👏

Also why the fuck are people defending these kids' mother?? Imagine if a poster said "my kids have nits and verrucas but I can't be arsed to go Boots and get a nit comb and some bazooka." They'd rightfully get blasted!!

I'm not defending the mother, both she and the dad are shit. Being SM is a thankless task at times, fucking soul destroying in fact, but it doesn't absolve responsibility to sort these kids issues out. Nobody is doing that effectively at the moment.

Trinity you're obviously not reading because no-one said anything at all like that. And the OP is defending the mother, trying to downplay the neglect so it doesn't look quite so bad that she and her husband are also neglecting them.
Not working though.

I agree. My ex who has now passed away was from another country where he had a little girl. My own kids were 12 and 2 and this little girl came over with him from a visit he made to his home country. She had headlice terrible matted hair and a cough and no coat or sensible shoes for English weather. He was a twat with the kids, sorry to speak ill of the dead, but he was. I couldn't bear it and had to sort it out. She had a hair cut, delousing, cough medicine and steamy baths to get rid of whatever she had. Went to Tesco and got her a coat and boots and a load of other stuff. I was accused of trying to "buy her affection" and trying to make her want to stay in England by her mother. Her mother who sent her on a 10hr trip to the other side of the world with flip flops on and a matted head full of lice. It really IS thankless!! So I know where the op is coming from but I really agree that her DH NEEDS to take responsibility or she is just making herself look more "meddling" to the kids mum who probably resents her helping the kids.

Op "my dhs kids come to ours riddled with nits, verrucas, utis from dehyrdratiom and infected grazes. I ask my husband to treat these and he occasionally does or I end up doing it - but as soon as they return to their mother she does not keep up with it and they are once again full of nits etc. Aibu to be pissed off that it's not my job to do this but their actual parents don't give a shit"
nonsense. that is an imaginary OP

My exDP used to pass on his GFs "concerns" when he dropped our DS off. "That acne is getting really bad. -- says that he just needs you to supervise him washing his face twice a day and it will clear up." "Oh really, is that all it will take?" His acne was hormonal and nothing shifted it but time. I had a cabinet full of expensive creams, I took him to the GP who put him on tablets, but she just assumed I was doing nothing because she liked the thought of that.

She resented me and wanted to make me look bad. There is also, I think it's called "worth signalling" to their partner involved - "I am a superior woman because my hygiene standards are clearly much higher than those of that slattern you used to slum it with, aren't you lucky to have me?"

It's just very interesting that so many women who post on MN have partners who used to date someone with no hygiene standards whatsoever. And they never speak to these women, yet know exactly what goes on in their homes...

InvisibleCities
Good post

I think people are being very harsh on the OP.

OP, in the middle of this are two innocent children. They did not ask to be born into that situation and reading through the thread I actually believe you when you say you don't begrudge paying for food, clothes etc. Even though your original post was quite mean towards the kids.

The title of the thread was AIBU and I think you are not being unreasonable for being at the end of your tether because she can't look after her kids and won't listen to you or your partner about these issues. I think she is being unreasonable to expect that your income should mean he pays extra CM. I think people are being mean about the PT work. Plenty of women on this forum are SAHMs without a part time job and don't get criticised for not contributing financially to the home, so why is it that because he is a man he can't stay at home to look after a baby. He's even contributing financially to his other kids.

On the other side of the coin OP, these girls obviously trust you because no kid tells another adult on a parent, whom they love, unless they were desperate and wanted someone to step in. They must feel safe and loved in your home to be able to confide in you. The DH does need to be putting his foot in more and making the mother listen and alarm bells are ringing for neglect. He should be on top of that and if mum is not listening then you do need to be voicing these concerns to SS because it's everyone's job to ensure welfare of a child and I can tell you now that the school are unlikely to drop this and will be constantly observing and in contact with SS. If anything did come about it, SS would be knocking on your door asking questions and if you were saying, "well they were unkempt, mother refused to treat ring work or nits etc etc" and you hadn't reported that, you could also end up in shit loads of trouble.

So no, they are not your kids and I believe as a SP you are genuinely doing your best. But these girls trust you and you do need to step in here.

Plenty of women on this forum are SAHMs without a part time job and don't get criticised for not contributing financially to the home, so why is it that because he is a man he can't stay at home to look after a baby

Not remotely the same. He doesn't have the luxury of staying home with his third child because he has 2 older children he has to pay for. If it was a woman it would be the exact same.