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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Stepkids with verrucas

343 replies

thelentil · 05/08/2017 17:28

Two skids, 7 and 8 have untreated veruccas, don't wear socks, get nits, which don't get treated, they stay every other weekend. I have a 3yo and don't want her constantly exposed to this stuff. AIBU to not want them around my toddler? What can I do? Spend every other weekend bleaching and de nitting?

OP posts:
Original poster
thelentil · 05/08/2017 22:06

Because she has previously struggled, they came to live with us, SS were involved, they're fine that she's got them back.

Taking them off her is a sledgehammer to crack a nit and would do more harm than good. She needs to get her shit together, maybe she needs support, I am not the one to give it.

No parent is perfect, I know I'm not, I do what I can for them but they aren't my children. If my nephew turned up with untreated whatever I would have a go, but I can't talk to step kids mother, so I have a moan on here. I won't be trying that again.

OP posts:
FelicityFucknickle · 05/08/2017 22:07

and verrucae and headlice do not, a neglected child make.

Blended families are, IMO, a recipe for disaster. We're always being told how great it all is, how wonderful so and so is for "taking on" another man's/ woman's child. So many real life examples of how this is utter hollow shit.

movienight15 · 05/08/2017 22:15

All step mothers get is shit on here . I've posted a thread with concerns and am basically in an identical situation to yours .
Is there anyway you can pm me through here ? Could do with someone with a similar situation .
As for blended families don't work . Well you better go back to the 1900's and tell everyone before they become a thing !!!
Sometimes in life shit doesn't work out and people find love again and try the damn best to make it work . That is life . Fact .

Fuckssakes01 · 05/08/2017 22:28

OP, the average cost of raising a child from birth to 21 in this country is approx, £231,843. So £463,686 for two kids. So your DP needs to be contrubuting his 50% which is £11,040 or £920 per month for the twomkids he had prior to having a third with you, in order to be making a fair and reasonable contribution. Is he doing this? If not you need as a family work out how you can facilitate this as its simply not good enough for him to be working. part part time and then paying the absolute pittance that is CSA.

Pumperthepumper · 05/08/2017 22:30

Right, but why specifically is your husband so against living with them?

FlowerFairyLights · 05/08/2017 22:30

He only sees his children once a fortnight.
He only pays maintenance on 2 evenings work a week.
He doesn't see nits as normal childhood thing that come home from school to be treated.
It really doesn't sound like he's making much effort to share parenting at all.

Can you honestly say he treatsthose kids the same he treats yours. That they get a similar standard of living?
(My dad's moved onto the "next" family too..)

abigcupoffuckyou · 05/08/2017 22:33

All step mothers get is shit on here . I've posted a thread with concerns and am basically in an identical situation to yours

No they don't. The ones who come on here whining about how awful and neglectful their step childrens mother is, while supporting their husbands in their own neglect get shit. And very deservedly too.

OP, would you accept it as readily if it was your own child in this situation? I doubt it.

movienight15 · 05/08/2017 22:40

I've fought tooth and nail for my step kids , read to / with them , bathed them , treated them and done all I can to give them a life like my children because all children deserve a good start .
Yet on MN all I have had is shit and the fact they have a very neglectful mother is ignored or sugar coated by most . It's sad .

Original poster
thelentil · 05/08/2017 22:42

I wouldn't put my child in that situation. She shouldn't put hers in this situation either. That's my point.

If your argument is financial, she/the kids get a bigger cut of his pay than what he contributes to our family. They lived with us for over a year and we got nothing from her. If everyone who wanted a child waited until they had at least £231,483 available there would be few children. I can afford mine, it's not my responsibility to make sure that he and his ex wife can afford the children that were born before I met him.

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abigcupoffuckyou · 05/08/2017 22:43

Bullshit, movienight. Your partner can't be bothered to go to court for his kids and you support that.
Don't sugercoat yourself, its pathetic.

abigcupoffuckyou · 05/08/2017 22:45

If your argument is financial, she/the kids get a bigger cut of his pay than what he contributes to our family

That's not the important sum. How much does he actually pay? Fuck all, from part time work?

Original poster
thelentil · 05/08/2017 22:49

I also have treated the kids well, even though I've often been treated quite badly, I never talked about what I think of her in front of them, I have even defended her in front of them. I've made sure they have whatever they need when they're in my care, we enrolled them in whatever clubs they wanted, none of which have been kept up by her, despite us offering to pay. It's bloody sad. All I can do is make sure they know we're always there for them when their mother is flaky and give them the stability they don't get from her

OP posts:
movienight15 · 05/08/2017 22:49

A big cup well aren't you a fucking delight Grin
He is now and will but I am not a parent as I am regularly reminded so my hands are tied !!!!!!!!! I would have been in court years ago if I was .

What my partner chooses is not my decision is it ??????

abigcupoffuckyou · 05/08/2017 22:51

What my partner chooses is not my decision is it ??????

It's your decision to live with a man who lets his children be neglected and does nothing. What do you think that makes you?

Fuckssakes01 · 05/08/2017 22:54

Thelentil, the figure I quoted is over the 21 years, obviously no one is suggesting we all save up 231k prior to conceiving...but th the fact is you knowingly married a man who already had two kids and you must have realised he would have an ingoing very significant financial commitment to them....or do people really chose to be so blind to this.... you have gone on to have another child with this man and in the process aheva arranged your life so that he cares for your child but at te cost of providing proprly form his other two kids, absolutely shitty in my opinion, you buying them the odd treat or pair of shoes makes no difference!!!

movienight15 · 05/08/2017 22:55

Your posts are very warm and kind abigcup, thank you . Off to bed now night night .

Original poster
thelentil · 05/08/2017 22:55

With two full days plus evenings, it's nearly full time work, and reasonably paid too. You assume it's shitty pay and a pittance, it isn't. Why is the actual amount so important to you? She gets way more from him than he ever got from her, she didn't even do weekends

His first children get more than his third. She also gets benefits and tax credits, which I don't.

When they lived with us, not only did she not contribute, she carried on claiming child benefit, which meant that he couldn't. Haven't mentioned it before as it's not important, we didn't report it as it wasn't a big deal, but you're so intent on painting him/me as the baddie financially

OP posts:
Original poster
thelentil · 05/08/2017 23:02

Fucksake, this post wasn't about what he pays, what I pay, how much he earns. That's your issue not mine. I was wishing that the she would be less crap and occasionally notice that children need more than hugs, food and fun stuff. I want her to be more considerate, to them and to me, and to my child. She could at least tell me/him when they've got a problem

OP posts:
abigcupoffuckyou · 05/08/2017 23:06

our posts are very warm and kind abigcup, thank you . Off to bed now night night

I've no interest in being warm or kind to someone like you.

Fuckssakes01 · 05/08/2017 23:08

No point arguing with this thinking. If his ex is on tax cedits, he is not providing for them is he the state has had to step in, and she really isnt rolling in it, yet you have as a couple have gone on to have (his) third child which quite honestly he could not afford. The issues. Regarding the lice and veruccas are just reflective of the overall lack of responsibility which has been accepted/assumed by all the adults in this scenario.sad for the kids.

Headofthehive55 · 05/08/2017 23:09

He already had those children before he had another so they must be paid for first. If he contributes more to them - remember there is two of them, and he contributes the value of childcare to your pot - a substantial sum if I remember rightly!

MommaGee · 05/08/2017 23:11

OP I do think you try your best. I get that you spend what you can and do what you can whilst you have them.

But your post starter off as you have to do all the nit checks etc because he doesn't to he does it when reminded to he treats everything he can. That he is a SAHD so not earning to to a few nights a week to practically a full time job.

From nits and varcussasrythso not really neglect iyo just a bit blasé t whatever they turn up with, whatever she's left untreated despite being given treatment, even after he has taken them to the doctors for an untreated infection, been given antibiotics she doesn't give them to the child regularly

If you and and seperated andshe got primary custody and he treated her how she treats them, would that be good enough? Would you make do and mend when you saw them fortnightly?

FlowerFairyLights · 05/08/2017 23:13

But you're still blaming her rather than him for stepping up!!

Headofthehive55 · 05/08/2017 23:14

You do realise that it's impossible to accurately know if your child is free from nits unless you wet comb their hair? Looking rarely shows anything and us not recommended as a way of spotting. Have you tried combing your hair and your Child?

Fleshy · 05/08/2017 23:20

Jesus OP, what is it about this grim situation you chose to bring another kid into that's so appealling? The sole point of a relationship is that it's meant to be fun, this sounds like a huge shit sandwich for everyone involved.