AIBU? Stepkids with verrucas

[thelentil]

Two skids, 7 and 8 have untreated veruccas, don't wear socks, get nits, which don't get treated, they stay every other weekend. I have a 3yo and don't want her constantly exposed to this stuff. AIBU to not want them around my toddler? What can I do? Spend every other weekend bleaching and de nitting?

Not a reason to remove them permanently perhaps but definitely reason to have them more than EOW.

Bloody hell OP, you are with a man who has children, they come as a package deal and they are your child's siblings.

Carrie my beef is not with the children but their mother.

Yet your solution is to keep the children away from your child, their step sibling.

"Sorry children, you have poor hygiene, nits, and verucca's you are not allowed near my DC"

Get your partner to sort it out with their mother

If this has not already been said, I think the reason you are getting so much stick is because your AIBU was about not having your SC around your DD and calling them Skids.

If your SCs care by their DM and state of cleanliness etc isn't serious enough for your DH to want them to live with you again FT, then it isn't serious enough for you to be considering not having them around their own sibling.

It either is or isn't an issue all round - which is it?

It pisses me off is what it is, I was angry that they have yet again turned up with the same thing they last time, we treated it last time and gave her the treatment but she forgot. So I wrote a poorly worded vent, as I couldn't say anything to them or in front of them, apart from put your socks on.

Of course I'm not going to keep them away from their siblings, it was a stupid thing to say, however I feel protective of my "PFB" and annoyed that she doesn't think these things are important

Despite my poor wording, I've been shocked at the venom, and the readiness and insistence of some to suggest that forced removal is a good idea, it's never a good idea and only should be used in extreme circumstances where a child is at serious risk of harm. Lice, veruccas and being a bit dirty is not serious risk of harm.

I don't think anyone has suggested forced removal but quite a few have asked why he has them so little

Lice, veruccas and being a bit dirty is not serious risk of harm.

Then by the same token, your PFB is not at serious risk of harm either, right?

If their DM is struggling to care for them it is reasonable to expect your DH to do more, including considering have them FT again, to help resolve the situation. He is the one being a shit parent - clearly if his DC are not being looked after properly for whatever reason and he has the capacity to do more - that should be your starting point.

EOW because they're not local to us, she moved them away, we spend a lot of time in the car

No, they're not serious risk of harm, but also not what I want for my child and as I see it, could be treated or prevented

whatever they turn up with, whatever she's left untreated despite being given treatment, even after he has taken them to the doctors for an untreated infection, been given antibiotics she doesn't give them to the child regularly

That is neglect. One of the specific categories of neglect is failing to meet a child's medical or health needs. Veruccas and nits, no big deal. But not treating infection, not giving necessary antibiotics, that's serious.

Just seen that you are not local. But as your dp works part time could he not spend more time with his children?

You seem to have drawn this thin line between crap and neglectful, is this your line to draw? What does your dp think?

Don't call them skids, they are children. What a horrid term.

I think you are behaving like an unreasonable stepmother. Try acting like they are your child's half siblings.

I do get a bit pissed off that I'm expected to house, clothe, feed them and I'm also the only one that thinks their veruccas need to be treated. I hate it. They were living here while their mother was having a break from them.*

Oh I do feel sorry for them. Are you suggesting your husband should not have financial responsibility for his children? How would you feel if you later divorce and he or his new partner doesn't want to pay maintenance for your child? You knew these kids existed before you had a child to your DH. And its your DH that would have financial responsibility for them under the law - not you. You are not paying for them. A percentage of his income is as determined by law. He will actually be paying less on the basis that he has them every other weekend.

Re Veruccas - they can take an age to go.

Re Nits - they can become resistant to treatment like Hedrin. If you really care, why don't you help by combing them out using the conditioner method:

www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2568416/The-best-cure-head-lice-Ordinary-conditioner-removes-head-lice-eggs-effectively-special-products.html

Their DM is failing them. Very sad and annoying that you have to pick up the pieces. Instead of a fun weekend you have to spend hours delousing them. Must be upsetting for the SDCs to know they are nit infested much of the time. Probably greatly affects their friendship making - not many sleepovers for them.
In the long run anything you , or preferably DH, do to improve their lives will help in their and your lives in the long run. Perhaps a change of hairstyle would help but if home bedding is infested that won't help. Perhaps a word at school to move them in class might reduce the risk of reinvesting. DH needs to speak to his ex in a friendly way.

All I can do is make sure the know we are there for them when their mother is flaky and give them the stability they don't get from her

Ok so how do you propose you do that when you see them EOW? A few hours a month simply isn't enough to give them stability.

She is awful

Yet you're happy to have two beautiful innocent children living with her and be neglected whilst pretending that the children aren't neglected when they don't get medical treatment, have their needs met or basic hygiene.

I wish she would be less shit together and be less crap

You've said yourself she's unable to and you are unwilling and unable to help her. When are you both going to accept that she is not going to get her shit together or be less crap? Will it be when the children are 18?

I want her to be more considerate to them, and to me, and my child.

So it is about you and your child then because you have said several times she isn't grateful to you, has not treated you well and she's not considerate of you.

She isn't grateful to have her own children, she doesn't treat them well and she's not considerate of them. If she can't do it for her own flesh and blood, how on earth do you think she's able to do it for you? You, your wants and your needs are so so far from her mind, can't you see that?

They shouldn't move in with us, we will not take custody of them.

So bottom line is you aren't really there them at all, are you? Neither is their father. No one stepping up for these children.

So much disapproval and so much black and white thinking.

Oh the irony! All you have done is disapprove of their mother. And your black and white thinking remains, examples of which are in this post. You will not have the children. Bottom line.

You've picked through and taken individual comments out of context to write your own narrative

We have had them for more than a few hours a week, they lived with us for over a year, they come here when she needs them to

The reason they shouldn't move in with us is that they don't want to and she doesn't want them to. Being awful, flaky and being crap isn't a reason to take kids off her, the reason I can't help her is that she will not accept help from me.

As I've tried to explain, I appreciate that there are different styles of parenting, and hers doesn't really sit well with me, that doesn't mean breaking up their family would be better for them, or that they would be better off taken from her.

So there's no midway between your husband sending them a little bit of maintenance, not really taking any responsibility, only having them eow and full blown removal of child?

You're blaming it all on her. what about him? where does his responsibility lie?

So your Problem is really her hygiene standards aren't yours?

Which is a minor complaint I think.
Nits are something children do grow out of catching - I imagine when that is so she won't want them catching them off yours - who will be in the midst of prime nit time. Some people prefer conditioner rather than repeatedly treat with chemicals. Especially if they get them a lot from school.

Perhaps your style of parenting doesn't sit well with her?

I think blended families are generally difficult. I wouldn't choose it.

Yes, my original complaint was that her hygiene standards aren't mine, that she leaves veruccas until her kid is limping.

A lot of posts have jumped to the conclusion that he sends not enough maintenance, and this is why she doesn't sort out veruccas.

Aren't you lucky Headofthehive. Knowing what I know now, I would not choose it either.

But doctors advice as has been pointed put to you repeatedly is usually to leave them.

Condition combing kids at weekends is white a common task when there's nits going around

Surely if those are the only problems its simple?

It sound alike the resentment towards your situation is actually a lot deeper.

I get annoyed that she's flaky, for my sake but mostly on the kids behalf. The problem should be easy to fix, which is frustrating

My resentment towards all the posts that have made assumptions about me and dh run very deep

It's easy to fix - leave the veruccas and condition comb/treat the kids at weekends as is fairly normal when the kids class go through a nits phase!

Really!!

There's a step parenting section on here. Too bad you posted in AIBU. Some people are scarred by their own evil step parents and take their revenge on here.