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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Stepkids with verrucas

343 replies

thelentil · 05/08/2017 17:28

Two skids, 7 and 8 have untreated veruccas, don't wear socks, get nits, which don't get treated, they stay every other weekend. I have a 3yo and don't want her constantly exposed to this stuff. AIBU to not want them around my toddler? What can I do? Spend every other weekend bleaching and de nitting?

OP posts:
Original poster
thelentil · 05/08/2017 23:25

I never said he was a SAHD, that was assumed. He has always worked 2 days, he now works evenings as well.

She said she was on tax credits, I know he pays her a fair chunk of what he earns, I have no idea whether she declares it, I would assume not

I don't think nits, veruccas untreated constitutes neglect, again that wasn't something I said, I think leaving infections untreated then being a bit rubbish with antibiotics is borderline but not reason to remove children. I know that she has been aware of these things in the past and not bothered to mention them to us. I feel this is bloody inconsiderate.

What if he and I were to split up? What hasn't that got to do with anything? As for whether I should consider her finances before having a child? No. I can provide financially for mine. Hers aren't my responsibility and I'm not depriving him of paying for them.

OP posts:
Hotheadwheresthecoldbath · 05/08/2017 23:33

As for verrucas ,my dd had them and warts on her hands,we tried everything.The Gp said to leave them,wear swimming socks for PE and swimming,the hand warts looked aweful but not contagious.I fretted over them as the hand warts looked horrendous and the verrucas seemed to cover her feet.
In the 6 weeks before secondary school they all went.
She never got nits but that was just luck and the odd nit comb with conditioner .

Original poster
thelentil · 05/08/2017 23:33

Fleshy obviously what I have posted here is the sum total of my life, nothing else goes on apart from being pissed off that his ex doesn't treat nits or veruccas.

I should so have found a man who had no responsibilities and no children before having a family, despite waiting until I could afford a family.

Many people on here seem quick to judge without knowing much. So much disapproval and so much black and white thinking. I can't help but feel you're putting your own monster step parent issues on me.

OP posts:
abigcupoffuckyou · 05/08/2017 23:35

I can't help but feel you're putting your own monster step parent issues on me

You would think that, because the fact that people are just disgusted by you is probably hard to hear.
Still true though.

Pumperthepumper · 05/08/2017 23:36

thelentil why does he not want his kids living with him?

Original poster
thelentil · 05/08/2017 23:37

They want to live with their mother, she wants them to live with her

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Headofthehive55 · 05/08/2017 23:38

I think unfortunate,y we all have our own priorities. Perhaos with her it's love, hugs and time to listen to her children? With you it might be making sure your lo has clean clothes on and is free of nits?

She may be thinking, what an awful mother lentil is, she doesn't even spend her days with her child but works.

MommaGee · 05/08/2017 23:39

Re you splitting up -if he had primary custody of your child and raised her line she does, would you be happy? Because if you wouldn't, why is DH??

You mentioned antibiotics not given, untreated UTI's, dirty clothes, lack of baths, lack of hugs as well as the nits. What else is there OP?

Pumperthepumper · 05/08/2017 23:39

Yes, but why specifically does he not want them to live with him?

Headofthehive55 · 05/08/2017 23:41

I can't imagine why you are so worked up about socks.

MommaGee · 05/08/2017 23:42

Sometimes kids don't know wjats beat for them. In not saying you should pull them from their primary home but simply pointing out kids can live in shot circumstances and feel thats their choice because they love their parent or feel a responsibility. Them wanting OT might not mean its right for them.

Headofthehive55 OP has also mentioned a lack of physical affection, untreated UTI's, lack of medication being given.

Original poster
thelentil · 05/08/2017 23:43

Out of interest Fuckyou, what do you think I should be doing?

OP posts:
Mumof56 · 05/08/2017 23:46

"I wouldn't put my child in that situation. She shouldn't put hers in this situation either. That's my point."

Your DP is happy enough to put his kids in that situtation, he would be happy enough to put your kid in the same situation.

Pumperthepumper · 05/08/2017 23:48

Oh Christ, I'm out. I've asked the same question four times now and is been ignored.

Their mother sounds awful. It's not fair that they have to deal with recurring problems and she's not looking after them properly.

But they have two parents, and your husband sounds like a fucking terrible father. If they're not being looked after by their primary carer - and he knows they're not, and you know they're not - then it's up to him to deal with it because THEY ARE HIS CHILDREN.

Honestly, in your position I'd be shitting myself. This could so easily be your child being ignored and neglected by their own father and you can't even see it.

Original poster
thelentil · 05/08/2017 23:51

Not a lack of physical affection, they get that, they get plenty of hugs and love, if I put otherwise it was a typo. She's a very loving mother, just not organised at all.

They don't always get physical attention, such as treating of veruccas, daily showers, dentist etc. Not cause for removing a child from a parent. I have also never said that he doesn't want them to live with us. They did live with us for a while, she asked us to have them on a temporary basis. I had reservations not in having them, but in giving them back.

We will not be attempting to remove them from their mother over untreated verucca or hygiene type reasons

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Pumperthepumper · 05/08/2017 23:57

At 17.58 you said: their dad wants them to live with her

Why though? If she's not looking after them properly? 'Them' being his own, actual children that he brought into the world.

Original poster
thelentil · 05/08/2017 23:57

They aren't ignored by her, they are not lacking affection, they just aren't always clean and nit free.

Mumof56, they are not my children, they are his and hers, different parents have different priorities, she doesn't rate hygiene as highly as I do, I don't see why he should take them off her because she's not good at remembering antibiotics or to treat their worms/lice/warts. This does not make him a bad parent.

OP posts:
Original poster
thelentil · 06/08/2017 00:00

Pumper, it was in the context of what she wanted and what they wanted, when she wanted them to live with us, they did, it was always meant to be temporary, it was hard on them as they love their mother, they were with us over a year.

OP posts:
Mumof56 · 06/08/2017 00:00

@lentil Yes I know they are not your children, but they are your partners children. Your child is also your partners child. Would you be happy to treat your child the same way? He has shown he is capable of neglect. Yes it does make him a bad parent.

Mumof56 · 06/08/2017 00:01

*happy for him to

FlowerFairyLights · 06/08/2017 00:01

Does he take responsibility for worms nits etc on the few days he has them? it does sound like hes abdicated responsibility to her.

He's a parent and should parent them.

Pumperthepumper · 06/08/2017 00:02

I totally appreciate that she would want them, and that they would want to be with her.

Do you think he does enough for them? Would you be happy with this for your child?

Aquathest · 06/08/2017 00:05

Did your SC live with you (for over a year) before you had your own DD?

Original poster
thelentil · 06/08/2017 00:08

Yes, when they are with us, we treat their nits and veruccas, when they are with her she might do it if she gets round to it. Like I've said, she walks the line between a bit rubbish and neglect. It's subjective, many posts have said ignore veruccas, I have implemented the sock rule, he has done the wart freeze treatment

He is not neglecting them, he is not neglecting our child. I wish their mother would get her shit together and be less crap, but I don't think that's a reason to remove them

OP posts:
Original poster
thelentil · 06/08/2017 00:10

They lived with us for over a year and left nearly a year ago, so yes, we had three small children, I bought a bigger house so they could have their own room.

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