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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to expect working husband to help with baby at night?

256 replies

JoySaidThat · 03/08/2017 20:58

DH works Monday - Friday (either 7am-3.30pm, 8am-4.30pm,9am-5.30pm weekly rota)

Most of the time baby (DD) sleeps quite well, only waking briefly for a nappy change 1 or 2 times. On occasions when she's teething like this week she's literally woken up 7 times through the night - FML

She sleeps in her own room but we have a monitor in ours so can both clearly hear her when she wakes up and cries - DH refuses to go mid week (even weekends is a push!) because he works!

AIBU to expect him bloody well help once in a while seeing as I have to then spend the entire day every single day looking after the baby. It's a full time job with no rest bite - I hardly even nap when she sleeps during the day because I clean, cook, wash the clothes etc - DH must think the magic fairy does all this for him!

DH also has a very active social life and is out at least once a week - don't get me wrong, I could go out if I wanted to as well, only I'm too bloody tired to want to 99% of the time!

It just pisses me off massively that working partners no matter how modern they claim to be still assume them going to work each day (in a modern young fun office environment) justifies doing F all to help with their own kids!

OP posts:
CheesecakeAddict · 05/08/2017 13:48

grannytomine this is very true. But if it's got to the point that she is sleep deprived and he is not even helping on the weekend not is he taking responsibility for any of the household chores, then what he's doing is not enough. And tbf, I seriously question why he would want someone that knackered that they are falling asleep at the wheel of a car in charge of a baby. All it takes is for her to fall asleep when the pan or the iron is on, or for her to cause a road accident for him not to have a family anymore. OP sounds desperate for some help so either the Dh needs to extend his financial obligations (as evidently that's all he seems to think he needs to bring to the family) to pay for a cleaner or a childminder to give mum some respite or he needs to take on a role in the home as well.

Lookingforadvice123 · 05/08/2017 13:57

YANBU. Is the baby not half his? Being at home with a baby can be tougher than being in work.

When I was on mat leave (6 months full pay AND I earn more than DH, thank you very much. Now who's the "working parent"?!) we shared if DS woke (he was FF from 4 weeks old). I've been back at work 9 months and DS is 19 months, and if he wakes in the night, we take it in turns. Anything else is madness and not an equal partnership.

I think with one wake up, if you're happy to do it in the week and DH takes the weekend nights, that sounds fair. But how could he let you do SEVEN?! Madness.

For anyone saying "DH helps by doing xyz", shame on you. "Helps"?! It's not the 50's.

ThePants999 · 05/08/2017 16:28

I work a standard 8-ish hours a day, 5 days a week. As soon as DS was old enough to take bottles of expressed milk, I did half the nights, and I wish I could have somehow helped more in the initial weeks when he was EBF.

yousmelllikeroastedcorn · 05/08/2017 16:36

YANBU

Stay at home parents need sleep too! I work part time and can honestly say that I need sleep just as much on days at home with the children as I do at work. It's not a SAHP's job to be on duty 24/7, it's a SAHP's job to look after the children while their partner is at work.

yikesanotherbooboo · 05/08/2017 16:50

Well I usually think that the sahp should bear the brunt of the night waking if you are breast feeding then clearly it will be that parent an I would have felt really infuriated if my DH had got up in the night as well... wasting good sleeping opportunities!
Your DH does seem to do amazingly sociable hours so he has more time than most to share home tasks.
Agree sleep while baby is asleep .
My DH's main contribution which I was very grateful for was that he would get up in the mornings if DC up for the day unsociable early

Dumdedumdum · 05/08/2017 17:06

It's better if he can take the baby when he gets home for some solid hours rest. All this sleep when the baby sleeps is overrated and often far fetched. You finally get them to sleep and are then instantly able to doze off yourself? Even when exhausted sleep doesn't always come on demand, especially in the daytime. And then you are still responsible for them, and need to be able to wake instantly if they need you. (Which might be ten minutes after you put them down).
You've more chance of rest if they are being looked after by another adult.

IndieTara · 05/08/2017 17:10

I breastfed DD exclusively so did all the night waking while DH snored away. I felt like i had a baby glued to me for days on end as she fed constantly. He also wouldnt take any time off after the birth as he didnt get paid for it.
I had an emergency CSection and DD was a few weeks premature and really small.
My parents live abroad and came over to help as I was finding it difficult to cope and get around. They are angels, he is now XH.

Roomster101 · 05/08/2017 17:42

But the mother is dodging the financial responsibilities by being a SAHM.

Many women at home with small babies are on paid maternity leave so certainly not "dodging" financial responsibilities.

Unexpectedbaby · 05/08/2017 18:09

I did most of the nights as DP has to drive as part of his work. He isn't a great distance driver as it is so I'd rather him have slept.

Now I'm back at work we alternate nights and have a morning each at the weekend, DD is a 5:30am kinda baby!

If there are particularly roughy nights with teething or like the past week we don't let the other be up for longer than an hour without taking over.

sharklovers · 05/08/2017 18:22

When DW was on mat leave she did all the night feeds Sunday - Thursday and I did Friday/Saturday.

Lol @ rest bite though OP, I think you mean respite! Bet you've got a nice set of Chester draws as well haven't you? Grin

Parker231 · 05/08/2017 18:22

I went back to work when DT's were 6 months - they weren't sleeping through the night. DH and I took it in turns to get up in the night although there were many nights when we were both up with them. It doesn't matter what your paid employment is (DH is a doctor and was still working in a hospital when DT's were small.) but DC's still need parenting. It's not 'helping ' when it's your own child- that phrase really annoys me. If your DH's are not prepared to ensure their children are fed and nappy changed in the night, what else are they not going to do?

grannytomine · 05/08/2017 22:32

Roomster and he isn't avoiding his responsibilities is he, he is out at work and hopefully spending time with his partner and baby. Not doing night feeds doesn't mean you aren't doing your bit.

grannytomine · 05/08/2017 22:35

YANBU. Is the baby not half his? Being at home with a baby can be tougher than being in work. Even when I was on maternity with my 4th and with a husband who was disabled I found being at work tougher than being at home.

BasketOfDeplorables · 05/08/2017 22:36

It does if your partner is so exhausted that she falls asleep holding the baby and cannot be certain she is safe to drive.

It doesn't matter if she gets 2 hours sleep or 6 hours sleep a night. If she's so tired she can't function then her partner needs to make sure she get some sleep.

I've been that tired many times. I woke DP because it was what was safest and best for our baby.

Mynewballoon · 05/08/2017 23:02

I don't see what the issue is with the SAHM doing all the night wakings. My DD was/is formula fed and DP has never helped in the night, and I've never expected him to. He works 10-12 hrs days so the last thing I'd do is hand him the baby after he's been at work all day and relinquish that responsibility. I should add that DD does sleep reasonably well and I might expect some help if she didn't. I also sleep when baby sleeps in the day. It doesn't happen every day, but I manage to do it 2-3 times a week.

Longtime · 05/08/2017 23:29

Mynew, same situation here (dh working long hours, me a SAHM) except ds2 was an appalling sleeper. My dh didn't offer to help and I didn't ask him, not even at the weekend. After a year of this, I weighed 44 kg and became ill as I was on my knees. I was stupid - I should have asked him to help at the weekends (I also used to get up with them so he could have a lie in) though martyr that I was, I also thought he should have offered help. OP, yes, he should help on a Friday and Saturday night.

Roomster101 · 05/08/2017 23:56

Roomster and he isn't avoiding his responsibilities is he, he is out at work and hopefully spending time with his partner and baby. Not doing night feeds doesn't mean you aren't doing your bit.

The fact that he never does night feeds even at weekends does suggest that he isn't doing his fair share actually.

Emboo19 · 06/08/2017 00:00

Those who say there partners never got up through the night, did they really NEVER? Did they not take paternity leave and help then? What about holidays or weekends? Have they never had the baby for a night while you go out?
If it's truly never, I think that's quite sad for the father tbh. As exhausting as it can be, its also really lovely at times and I wouldn't want my DD's dad to never experience that.

Longtime · 06/08/2017 00:24

Emboo, my didn't, really! And showed no signs of wanting to.

FrogsSitonLogs · 06/08/2017 06:48

Why have children then, if you're going to do sod all with them? Parenting isn't just about the fun stuff, you can't opt out of nappy changes, getting up with them and sorting them out when they're ill. Women can't opt out of it so I don't understand why some men think they can and why some women let them. Sahm shouldn't by default mean 24/7 because it's your 'job'. A paid job comes with annual leave, rest time and weekends.

Mynewballoon · 06/08/2017 07:12

Emboo - DD is nearly 9 months old and DP did 2 nights when I went away. Other than that it's been me every night. I wouldn't have it any other way, but that's just me.

I'd like to add that my Dad used to leave for work at 8am and often not get home till 2-3am. He never did a night or a feed. It definitely didn't affect my relationship with him!!

WineIsMyMainVice · 06/08/2017 07:23

I took 14 months off with my first DD. Whilst I know that I was very lucky to have this amount of time, it did me no favours in this respect as DH got very used to me always getting up in the night. When I went back to work he expected this to continue. Also good with everything else that I had been doing as I was on mat leave....

Oly5 · 06/08/2017 07:34

Mine always helped on weekends and let me have lie-ins. But during the week I let him sleep for work.
I'm sorry but concentrating for work is a whole different kettle of fish to binging the washing in etc (which can be done with little brain power)

Cailleach666 · 06/08/2017 07:35

I was happy to dodge financial responsibilities.
I gave up my job when my first was born.
OH provided for us, so it was my responsibility to do nighttime parenting
I rarely cooked for OH and did no ironing so was able to catch up with sleep through the day.

( Youngest is now 17 and I still only work part time- I have cracked it.Wink

Oly5 · 06/08/2017 07:35

*bunging