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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect working husband to help with baby at night?

256 replies

JoySaidThat · 03/08/2017 20:58

DH works Monday - Friday (either 7am-3.30pm, 8am-4.30pm,9am-5.30pm weekly rota)

Most of the time baby (DD) sleeps quite well, only waking briefly for a nappy change 1 or 2 times. On occasions when she's teething like this week she's literally woken up 7 times through the night - FML

She sleeps in her own room but we have a monitor in ours so can both clearly hear her when she wakes up and cries - DH refuses to go mid week (even weekends is a push!) because he works!

AIBU to expect him bloody well help once in a while seeing as I have to then spend the entire day every single day looking after the baby. It's a full time job with no rest bite - I hardly even nap when she sleeps during the day because I clean, cook, wash the clothes etc - DH must think the magic fairy does all this for him!

DH also has a very active social life and is out at least once a week - don't get me wrong, I could go out if I wanted to as well, only I'm too bloody tired to want to 99% of the time!

It just pisses me off massively that working partners no matter how modern they claim to be still assume them going to work each day (in a modern young fun office environment) justifies doing F all to help with their own kids!

OP posts:
mojawupe · 04/08/2017 13:04

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mummy2oneandtwo · 04/08/2017 13:08

He should help you!! Of course he needs undisturbed sleep, but so do you.

I think on week nights you should try to do the first wake up, but if it's multiple times, then he needs to pull his weight; and give you a break on weekends, it's his child too.

We have twins and had a baby each every night, so my husband would always have to get up during the night, even though he had work the next day. Its hard work, but doesn't last forever and it's not fair to expect you to do all the hard work!

Kaykee · 04/08/2017 13:16

Just be happy that he doesn't work nights, when my youngest was born my dp work changed to 7 on 2 off so when he went back to work after our baby was born I got up 7 nights looked after him all day (along with my other 3 boys) and had to go for walks and try to be quiet so he could sleep. He did help and lucky ds4 was bf and a great sleeper so I wasn't too exhausted. I then went back to work (his days off)
He cooked and cleaned etc as well as me we were both very tired for a good few years.
I def think he should help, and if it's not at night it's round the house and at weekends think some men forget these are their kids and homes too

Loungingbutnotforlong · 04/08/2017 13:49

No advice as to how to fix it, but do try to fix it. You need at least one lie-in a weekend and help/ hand over on one or two nights is key - we never sorted this out and it had lasting repercussions for our marriage that we eventually got past years later. The pervading sense of resentment and feeling that the other person is selfish is v damaging- your DH needs to understand what he is doing is killing your love for him.

Allthewaves · 04/08/2017 14:17

Dh did nights with baby if he wasn't working next day. He drives for a living so there no way he could be tired behind the wheel. But he also did evening stuff and I went to bed at 8pm to catch up on my sleep then dh put baby down at 11 after last evening feed

flumpybear · 04/08/2017 14:35

My husband was shit through the nights with our kids but he did give me time in the days he was at home to sleep or I'd also go to bed really early and he'd do the 9pm-midnight stint which meant I got a good 4 hours sleep under my belt before it all kicked off
You need to find what works but yes, when he's home it's a shared responsibility

Applesandpears23 · 04/08/2017 15:29

When you have a bad night then nap when baby naps and leave the housework to pile up. If he won't help at night then hand him the baby when he gets home from work and go and have an evening kip.

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 04/08/2017 15:36

My OH works 12 hour days 6am-6pm six days a week but he still gets up at night with the children if I've had a few bad nights and always gets up with them on Sunday mornings (his 1 day off) so I can have a lie in.

I do try and do the majority of night waking as I'm home and able to have a quiet day if I've had a bad night but he insists on helping. I also gave up caring about the state of the house and if I need to catch up on sleep I nap with the children.

Firsttimemama2017 · 04/08/2017 15:43

I may be in the minority here but I don't think he should have to get up in the night during the week if he is at work and you off however he should be helping at weekends and doing other housework.

RobotGoat · 04/08/2017 15:46

I went back to work when DS was around 6 months and DH became a SAHD. Before that I did all the night wakings. When we stopped co-sleeping DH did all night wakings, but I would do bedtime so he had a break from the kids. I'd get up with them in the morning as I had to get up anyway (5-6am tended to be the switch-over time). I also expected to do some of the housework as he was obviously tired during the day (DS was a terrible sleeper!) so he had more energy to do night-times. I just couldn't have worked effectively if I'd been up in the night, but I think we shared the load quite fairly overall. He generally did weekend night wakings as well, just because we got into the habit of it, which maybe was unfair but it worked for us. We did the same thing when I went back after DD was born. We each have a turn to lie in on weekends.

Kursk · 04/08/2017 15:48

The plan that DH and I had was that DH would handle nights up to midnight then I would take over so he could get some sleep and be ready for work.

Roomster101 · 04/08/2017 15:48

I think I would have divorced DH if he expected to never get up in the night. There is no way I could have napped during the day when my babies was teething etc because they were awake every hour or so during the day too!
This kind of thing issue actually makes me glad that we didn't get much maternity leave when my children were babies as I would far rather be at work and sharing the sleepness nights than be "off work" and be expected to get up all night as many women seem to be expected to do while on maternity leave.

jelliebelly · 04/08/2017 15:50

Same as Kursk - dh slept in the spare room for the first few weeks then he did the last night feed from expressed bottle about midnight then I got up if needed thereafter. Ours were pretty good sleepers though

CheesecakeAddict · 05/08/2017 10:41

He was quite happy to help make the baby, now he has to take on some of the responsibility that his seed has created. Being tired is part and parcel of having a baby, he doesn't get to dodge that part. I would relax this if being tired was a danger to his health at work e.g. driver or working on a building site but otherwise he needs to pull his weight.

And those that are saying it's part of being a SAHP, well no. Being a PARENT is a full time job, so he doesn't get to switch off because it's not convenient for him.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 05/08/2017 12:17

You've assumed inconvenience instead of considering that I may have other things to be getting on with.

Whilst it seems your DH is allowed no life at all.

Roomster101 · 05/08/2017 12:35

I suspect that a lot of the people who say that YABU are either people who have no idea how bad the sleep deprivation can be (either because are/were the working parent with a SAHP who they expected to do all the night wakening or because they had a baby that slept well or aren’t even a parent) or they are SAHP looking for ways to make themselves feel indispensable because they don’t want to do paid employment.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 05/08/2017 12:37

Roomster101

In my case you would be wrong.

HTH

LapinR0se · 05/08/2017 12:39

I might have missed this but how old is the baby?

grannytomine · 05/08/2017 12:41

Don't by a martyr, you can have a nap when baby does, he can't. It isn't a good idea to spend time baby is sleeping doing housework, as my granny used to say, "The dirty floors will still be there when the wains are reared."

He should help at weekends.

RB68 · 05/08/2017 12:43

I think you are both parents - no one functions well on no sleep stay at home or not and being in charge of small people with no sleep is no joke. Also if you have more than the one at home trying to get anything done is nigh on ridiculous.

I would sit him down and have a discussion that includes what he will be doing - and if you do agree to night shifts in the week then he has to do some of the cooking and cleaning in the evenings.

I visited my brother recently and he goes out to work at 7.20 and returns around 7pm if trains on time. He still does all DIY (Gardening and odd jobs like fixing shower door etc) , bins and clean up, then deals with bedtime for 2 yr old (No 2 is only a few mths).

He is clearly thinking all he needs to contribute is ££ well if its not enough to pay for a bit of help for you with cleaning etc then he has to pitch in. He isn't exactly working long days.

The lack of recognition and appreciation for SAHP - and the almost expectation that certain things are done is very hard on that person. It is relentless work.

I would also be booking yourself out an evening a week - go and see a friend, go and do something, find a laid back event or class and just go have a break be an adult

grannytomine · 05/08/2017 12:43

He was quite happy to help make the baby, now he has to take on some of the responsibility that his seed has created. Being tired is part and parcel of having a baby, he doesn't get to dodge that part. I would relax this if being tired was a danger to his health at work e.g. driver or working on a building site but otherwise he needs to pull his weight. But the mother is dodging the financial responsibilities by being a SAHM. You can't say he isn't taking on some of the responsibility for his child if he is working and paying the rent/mortgage, paying the bill and providing food. All that is necessary.

Farmerswife4life1984 · 05/08/2017 12:47

He doesn't work long hours so he should help at night some nights . My dh is a farmer and works 15/16 hr days some weeks and he would help me in night . I mainly did the night feeds as ebf but if baby was fed and un settled he often would hold baby or walk round with baby till they fell asleep and he would let me sleep whilst he did this . Your dh should help you as his working hours and not very long

Roomster101 · 05/08/2017 12:51

PigletWasPoohsFriend I said "a lot" not all. Some others who think OP is BU are probably MRAs, grandparents who can't remember what it is like etc etc

Floisme · 05/08/2017 12:52

What is all this business about catching up on sleep during the day?
How long did your babies nap for?
It's not about 'helping', it's about pulling his weight.

MsGameandWatching · 05/08/2017 12:54

n my house, when DP gets home from work I hand him the baby. The next morning when he leaves for work, she's my responsibility again. I wouldn't accept it any other way.

So when exactly does DP get any kind of break?

I did all the night waking sad ex started work at six am and wasn't hoped often till 8.00 pm in the evening. I thought that was fair but then he refused to ever do any wakings or get up at weekends either. That's when things started to fall apart for us really. He was just so disgustingly selfish.