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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect working husband to help with baby at night?

256 replies

JoySaidThat · 03/08/2017 20:58

DH works Monday - Friday (either 7am-3.30pm, 8am-4.30pm,9am-5.30pm weekly rota)

Most of the time baby (DD) sleeps quite well, only waking briefly for a nappy change 1 or 2 times. On occasions when she's teething like this week she's literally woken up 7 times through the night - FML

She sleeps in her own room but we have a monitor in ours so can both clearly hear her when she wakes up and cries - DH refuses to go mid week (even weekends is a push!) because he works!

AIBU to expect him bloody well help once in a while seeing as I have to then spend the entire day every single day looking after the baby. It's a full time job with no rest bite - I hardly even nap when she sleeps during the day because I clean, cook, wash the clothes etc - DH must think the magic fairy does all this for him!

DH also has a very active social life and is out at least once a week - don't get me wrong, I could go out if I wanted to as well, only I'm too bloody tired to want to 99% of the time!

It just pisses me off massively that working partners no matter how modern they claim to be still assume them going to work each day (in a modern young fun office environment) justifies doing F all to help with their own kids!

OP posts:
steppemum · 04/08/2017 09:43

this is how we soled it:

dh got up on Friday and saturday night.

we took turns at the weekend to sleep in. So sat, when dc woke he got up and took them away and I went back to sleep, and vice verse on sunday.

It took a while because often I was awake and didn't go back to sleep and dh couldn't understand why he still needed to wake up, even when I was bf, I wanted to feed and hand the baby over for a couple of hours. He eventually got it, that I needed space, and that might mean sitting in bed reading the paper, but it is MY TIME.

we did this right up until youngest got up without waking us.

Mynewballoon · 04/08/2017 09:45

53rd - DH is self employed, works 8-8 every day and works away every other week. He has changed the odd nappy...if I'm out the room, he doesn't shout for me to come back to do it 😂

Manhowdy - didn't you make the comment about 'handing over the baby in the evening and not your responsibility till morning' Like 'the baby' was a real inconvenience?!

Frogs - yes he does do a lot of the fun stuff. I guess it's partly me just insisting I do everything. I waited 15 years to have a baby...shit relationships and miscarriages...now DD is here, I don't want to miss a second!

Original poster
JoySaidThat · 04/08/2017 09:45

Thank you all so much for taking the time to share your views and personal experiences, it's definately given me food for thought.

I did write a lengthy response but my phone crashed & deleted it all - baby is currently sleeping having been awake since 5am - me thinks it's time for me to step away from the phone & get some sleep!! Let's hope I can actually allow myself to switch off mentally & allow this to happen! Confused

OP posts:
steppemum · 04/08/2017 09:45

actually that is a bit optimistic, dh got up if I kicked him and said Your Turn, because I needed to sleep. he was really good though, we didn't argue about it, I just had to spell it out constantly

Original poster
JoySaidThat · 04/08/2017 09:46

You can tell my brain is fried by how badly I wrote that! Blush

OP posts:
Bluebelltulip · 04/08/2017 09:51

On a normal night I do all night wake ups, if it's more (normally teething or ill) then dh helps. If I'm tired he will normally offer for me to go to bed early. My baby is not a good napper so me catching up in the day is not an option.

NoSleepSinceSpring · 04/08/2017 09:54

Reading some of these posts is so depressing. What's wrong with these men who think they're too important to get up with their own child? Staying at home all day with a baby when you're sleep deprived is truly hideous. Truly, truly hideous. Working partners' sleep is not more important than yours.

manhowdy · 04/08/2017 10:01

Manhowdy - didn't you make the comment about 'handing over the baby in the evening and not your responsibility till morning' Like 'the baby' was a real inconvenience?!

You've assumed inconvenience instead of considering that I may have other things to be getting on with.

Winterview · 04/08/2017 10:04

I think he should help on weekend nights but not on nights where he has to go to work the next day.

My toddler still wakes twice a night. I'm used to it, I consider it part of my job. DH helps if I'm ill. I'm a SAHM but do short contract work sometimes, but no early starts or full days.

Nanny0gg · 04/08/2017 10:08

It's all very well saying 'go for a nap' when her DH is around, but it's the middle of the night when your body wants to sleep.

It may not want to at 6pm

Mynewballoon · 04/08/2017 10:21

Manhowdy - apologies, I assume you work nights then. In which case, of course you can't do the nights with your baby.

thethoughtfox · 04/08/2017 10:21

Husband can do the evening wakings maybe till 11 or 12 and you go to bed the same time as baby so you get a rest. Then you take over any wakings after the agreed time. You both need a rest.

Laineymc7 · 04/08/2017 10:26

Whilst I was off work with the first baby I did all the night waking and feeding as dp starts work at 7am and works long hours. He does however get in from work and cooks dinner. He also helps with bath and bed. He was a bit shy of cleaning so we now have a cleaner. It's £20 a week but money well spent. Every Saturday morning is my lie I and Sunday is his. It's not unreasonable to expect your partner to help. If he doesn't do the night waking he should help with the other chores. It's exhausting having to do everything. We now have a new baby and a toddler so any toddler wake ups he does and any new baby wake ups I do. You have to share these things.

anchor9 · 04/08/2017 10:34

i agreed at the outset i wasn't going to expect DP to do nights. for a start i BF, and there is no way i wouldn't be up checking on the baby even if he had him. also he sleeps like the dead, so expecting nights would be setting myself up for disappointment and frustration. i must say this doesn't bother me... but by and large i feel well supported by him. i am also at home alone with the baby 2/3 of year as he works away. this situation works well for us because of our specifics, but if you are not happy you are perfectly well justified to raise it.

IamDBCooper · 04/08/2017 10:36

I think he should at least help on the weekends. My husband works very long days but will still help out if I need him. Our 1 year old is still a prolific night waker though

Dumdedumdum · 04/08/2017 10:39

If there are regular wakenings just to have a wet nappy changed, you might find those "night time" nappies really make a difference. They cost more but we never had to do a wet change in the night once we started using them.

JoshLymanJr · 04/08/2017 10:44

When ours were babies I used to stay up and do an evening feed and change (around 11pm usually) while DW went to bed early. Then in the night it was really just whoever came to first who did the necessary - we worked with mixed feedings so if I got up I would mix a bottle and do a feed. We didn't have an agreed 'rota' as such. I would do bath and bed when I got home from work.

The one thing I did get aggrieved about was that I would get up at the weekends and DW got long lies on Sat/Sun - but I was also getting up early during the week so never got long lies at all! It doesn't last forever, though...

A healthy adult should be able to manage the odd night of disturbed sleep and it shouldn't result in mistakes at work

I think this is about right - the one thing I worried about was driving. By 9am and a couple of cups of coffee I'd have come to, but I was driving for an hour between 7am and 8am still half asleep, and I did have a few 'long blinks' on the way!

80sMum · 04/08/2017 10:50

I was a SAHM and I didn't want DH to have to get up in the night, as he needed to be up at 7.00 to go to work.

But I do recall that the relentless nature of being a 24/7 parent was at times overwhelmingly tiring. There is, as you say OP, no respite.

I do think it would be reasonable for you to expect your DH to take on some of the night duties on the nights when he doesn't have to go to work the next day though.

llangennith · 04/08/2017 11:06

Could you both go to be earlier and have one parent dealing with any wake-ups before 2am and the other parent dealing with all wake-ups after that? That may give you the respite you need.

TheRadiantAerynSun · 04/08/2017 11:19

We generally agreed that I would do the weekday nights and DH would do the weekends. We had the cot next to our bed and would swap sides depending on who was on duty. In reality DH would wake up first and get there first at least a couple of times in the week and would insist that I go back to sleep.

Turns out someone had told him that it in the early stages it was my job to look after the baby and his job was took look after me. He really took that to heart. And part of looking after me was pitching in with the baby care.

At the weekends we would take turns in taking a lie in on Saturdays and Sundays.

After 12 months I went back to work and DH went part-time to look after DS. It was a completely smooth transition because he already knew how to do everything and DS was bonded with him really well. You couldn't prise them apart with a crowbar now.

I think it's sad that so many people have to beg and bicker with their partners to get them to do their bit. They should want to look after their baby and they should want to look after their partner. They should want the best for them and care about their wellbeing. That's what love is, surely?

Spudlet · 04/08/2017 11:23

SAHP or not, any person happy to lie in bed and watch the person they're supposed to love wear themselves to a frazzle is a twat.

CbeebiesAddict · 04/08/2017 11:59

When I was on mat leave DH was responsible for all wakings before midnight (and I would go to bed at 7) and I was responsible for any after 12. At the weekend DH would do all the night wakings. His argument was that sitting in an office all day was easier than being shouted at by a baby (DS was not a happy baby).

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 04/08/2017 12:05

In my house, when DP gets home from work I hand him the baby. The next morning when he leaves for work, she's my responsibility again. I wouldn't accept it any other way.

So your DP never gets a break then?

wouldn't accept it any other way

Hmm you sound delightful.

Handsfull13 · 04/08/2017 12:47

We have twins and my dp works full time. When he walks through our door he does everything I do - basically we have a baby each and that continues all through the night aswell. We give each other breaks as well, he'll have them both while I have a bath or if I need to pop out to do something. But I'll also have them even when he's home if there are things he wants to do. It's all about fairness. You need to have a chat with your dp and explain you are tired and need a break sometimes, so even if you don't want to go out, you want to be able to stay at home and not have to do anything for a few hours
Slowly introduce him to doing things for you and it won't seem like your demanding a lot from him.

JessieMcJessie · 04/08/2017 13:02

Our baby is 11 months now and only went in his own room after I stopped breastfeeding at about 8 months. From that point on my husband and I just share the wakings at night depending on who comes to first. He gets up sometimes because he actually wants to comfort his crying baby, no negotiation required. Is your husband really so selfish he never feels like this?