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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

On trip with friends is so with parenting styles

266 replies

revolution909 · 03/08/2017 18:12

So I'm over in France with some very good friends but problems have finally arisen... It turns out they want to stay in the pool and I want to go out and explore. (we only have one car). But anyways the way I see it, the kids yes might get bored but at least they'd get some "culture" out of it. I was raised that way, and frankly I thank my parents for that. Other minor issue was that they chose a mega tacky restaurant for lunch that I really did t want to go, but there was no way I could change their mind and thought they could compromise. So yes AIBU for being annoyed with them?

OP posts:
Fleab1te · 04/08/2017 09:53

The problem is you didn't make everything clear in your initial post so as pp have said it's confusing and have probably misunderstood your issues.

From what I can gather you all went as a group, you and your friends agreed to go out on a set day together, so you hung out with them with the expectation that they would join you on a day out. Then when it comes to outing day you all set off then half way there they decide they want to turn around.

I don't think you're a snob or unreasonable but there deffo seems to be some communication issues between you and your friends. I also agree with you that you don't revolve around or pander to the kids.

It can be a pain holidaying with friends and getting in a car, driving for an hour before turning round because you've decided you don't fancy it is ridiculous. That would just piss everyone off. Not sure why they couldn't just be honest unless maybe they're a little scared if youShock Grin

Original poster
revolution909 · 04/08/2017 09:58

@fleab1te perfect summary!! And to make
Things worse they could have just you know agreed to go what restaurant to go to together rather than dictate where to go.

OP posts:
PelorusJack · 04/08/2017 10:10

.

Isetan · 04/08/2017 10:30

Your friends aren't the issue, your reluctant DD is. Instead of negotiating/ laying down the law with her, you're annoyed that your friends aren't providing you with cover by going along with your plans therefore giving your DD no choice. This is everything to do with your parenting style and the relationship you have with a six year old.

Your DD isn't you and while you may now appreciate your parents 'sacrifice', I really don't think you were so appreciative back in the day. Engagement and interaction thats what appeals to children, especially young ones and if cultural excursions are going to be hours of schleping around and being told not to touch, then I can see your DD's point.

Stop being a wuss and blaming others for your parenting difficulties.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 04/08/2017 10:37

A holiday can be so much more than that.

If that's what you want.

Many people don't. Which there is nothing wrong with and us perfectly ok.

It was only after 40 mins - 1hr into it that they said it was not they're type of thing.

I'll try again.

Exactly how far away was It?

Kardashianlove · 04/08/2017 11:02

Are you sure they weren't pressured into going? It just seems really unlikely that they wanted to go then changed their minds on the way.
It seems more likely that you pressured them into going/made them feel like they should compromise. They did agree to compromise (go to make you happy as you made it obvious you wanted them to go too/you wanted to share your knowledge/culture) but didn't realise how far it was?
Or were the DC being difficult/moaning on the way and they decided it just wasn't worth it?

Why did you sit round the pool for days on end when you would rather be sightseeing?

Original poster
revolution909 · 04/08/2017 12:19

Nope, they weren't u didn't even mentioned once I really wanted to do it it was DH who mentioned it to them. The place itself was 90 mins away and yes the children started being restless but they were always that way so not much you can do about that.

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waitforitfdear · 04/08/2017 13:58

Read the whole thread and confused.

LittleLionMansMummy · 04/08/2017 14:17

We'd have just gone out and joined them later in the day. As for children wanting to stay by the pool, ds is the same age and of course he wants to go to the pool every day. We don't. So we explain it's a family holiday and that everyone gets to do something they enjoy. Invariably this means that if we go out for a day for us, we do a pool day the following day or, if we're back early enough we go to the pool late afternoon instead (as we don't eat toll late anyway so no rush). Sometimes he whinges and we remind him we all like doing different things and we try to make our day out as fun ad possible for him regardless by incorporating something he enjoys. It's not an either/ or scenario. Compromise - with your children and you'll friends. I'd be bored shitless spending all day every day by the pool, but am perfectly happy to interperse it with trips out. But Yes, if your friends are pool people then you should have left them to it and met up in the evenings.

headhurtstoomuch · 04/08/2017 14:22

For the love of god why can't you get what the majority of posters are telling you? If someone doesn't want to go on a historical trip they don't have to. Yes it's nice to go as a group but it's not the end of the world if you don't.

You can go and take your daughter with your hubby! Not a big deal honestly and no need to turn it into a drama for the sake of it.

From my understanding the only way you could convince your daughter to go is if her friends went. Friends were reluctant, the parents were reluctant and so you didn't go. So much for my child does everything I say.

Fleab1te · 04/08/2017 14:40

But the OP is saying they agreed to go. No forcing or cajoling. They decided they didn't on the wayConfused

headhurtstoomuch · 04/08/2017 14:42

Definitely think there was a lot of cajoling on OP part!

Original poster
revolution909 · 04/08/2017 14:42

I just came back from my mini day trip, daughter came no problem, no whinging, we actually had a nice time. And if nobody gets it I'm happy for them to no come, but they have to day so before we all agree to set off. Anyways, we had a hug. Not going on holiday with friends unless it's an AI.

OP posts:
gandalf456 · 04/08/2017 14:43

I can't believe they made you turn the car back. No wonder you are so annoyed!

Yes, sometimes kids can get bored with cultural stuff (i had your parents,op) but they take in more than you think and appreciate more.than they let on. I generally moaned if there was.too.much walking or i had to wait too long for food but my parents varied.between telling me to suck it up and ignoring it. I do think it's generally healthy not to have everything about the children as it makes them spoilt and unable to compromise.

The adults sound like overgrown children themselves and probably chose it because the hate 'forrin' food.

So yanbu. Chalk it up to experience and go away as a family next year

Original poster
revolution909 · 04/08/2017 14:44

And no, no cajoling!! A month ago I said I wanted to my thing or maybe plan something in firm and told me to play it by ear / relax about it. I didn't say let's do x or y. DH did as I knew I wanted to, they all agreed, half way through they decided it was too much of a trip!

OP posts:
RAStone · 04/08/2017 14:56

Why can't you just take the car if they're not going anywhere? Arrange a time to return..

Original poster
revolution909 · 04/08/2017 15:03

There was no problem in taking the car, the main problem was a) why agree to do something and then decide against it half way there b) why just dictate where to eat and ignore my input. The parenting problems have arisen from a) trying to take children to "boring places" and b) ignoring their moaning.

OP posts:
TimetohittheroadJack · 04/08/2017 15:26

So you were actually all in the car had already driven 60 mins and turned back? so a 2 hr round trip for nothing?

Original poster
revolution909 · 04/08/2017 15:28

Yes that's right @timetohittheroad!

OP posts:
TimetohittheroadJack · 04/08/2017 15:32

Why did you turn back? Surely you should have been like, we are nearly there, we are not turning back now.
Or even said, ok we want to going, we can drop you off at this restaurant/beach and we'll pick you up later.

Kardashianlove · 04/08/2017 15:42

So how did the trip come about? Did you say 'DH, DD and I are going xxxxx if you fancy coming, it's quite a long drive takes about 90 minutes but I think it'll be worth it as it's really lovely there?'

Your friends said 'ooooh yes please. sounds great we'd love to come'
and then changed their minds after an hour in the car as the kids were a bit cranky?!
That doesn't sound right.
There must be more to it.

howabout · 04/08/2017 15:47

My 6 year old has the ultimate negotiating tactic for this situation. She is violently sick if you put her in a car for more than 45 minutes. especially if you feed her fancy food and she is hot and fed up.

My teenagers don't remember much "cultural immersion" pre age 10. They do however remember in terms of that was a "fun family holiday" versus that was "a total nightmare with squabbling adults".

Original poster
revolution909 · 04/08/2017 15:57

No it went something like this "so today is the day we're all going out?" - yes- "where should we go then?" - x or y- we explained again what x or y meant, things to do, and Etas, they said they were easy... And were happy with either. So maybe that's where I should have caught they didn't want to do it. But we had discussed a few times the options the previous days... They could have said any of the previous days "no we're not interested" but they didn't

OP posts:
Kardashianlove · 04/08/2017 16:10

It seems like you've made a bit of a deal about you ALL going out on a specific day. You mention before the holiday about 'planning something in firm' and them telling you to play it by ear/relax about it.

I'm guessing they did feel pressure to go and you did not pick up on signs that they didn't want to go. Them telling you to play it by ear/relax about it sounds like their way of telling you they didn't really want to do the things you were suggesting. I agree they should have been clearer about saying no.

When they mentioned turning round, am assuming you said 'why? You wanted to come?' What did they say? Just curious to find out their point of view how the trip came about.

Original poster
revolution909 · 04/08/2017 16:13

They just said they didn't réalise it would. Cost so much money and it was not worth it with kids

OP posts: