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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

On trip with friends is so with parenting styles

266 replies

revolution909 · 03/08/2017 18:12

So I'm over in France with some very good friends but problems have finally arisen... It turns out they want to stay in the pool and I want to go out and explore. (we only have one car). But anyways the way I see it, the kids yes might get bored but at least they'd get some "culture" out of it. I was raised that way, and frankly I thank my parents for that. Other minor issue was that they chose a mega tacky restaurant for lunch that I really did t want to go, but there was no way I could change their mind and thought they could compromise. So yes AIBU for being annoyed with them?

OP posts:
TimetohittheroadJack · 04/08/2017 16:14

Wait, so they decided they didn't want to come before you set off? Not 60 minutes into the journey?

Original poster
revolution909 · 04/08/2017 16:20

60-40 mins into the journey is when they decided they didn't want to do it.

OP posts:
FixItUpChappie · 04/08/2017 16:29

OP YANBU and you don't sound like a pain. Why should the OP have to just suck it up and do only what they want? I don't get how that's is the OP being inflexible....

If I had to sit by a pool for 5 straight days on vacation I'd go mad and think what a waste! Making the OP turn the car around an hour into an outing...how fucking rude!! Who does that?? Forget them inviting you on future vacations but why would you want them to? They sound painfully boring. You just don't have similar interests.

Salvage what you can - breezily go off and do your own thing. The pool is going to still be there when you get back in the evening/afternoon FFS. Your daughter will be fine I'm sure you are capable of making a variety of things fun beyond movies and pool toys.

TimetohittheroadJack · 04/08/2017 16:39

So they got ready, everyone got in the car and an hour later they changed their mind. Who was driving? Why didn't to say, look we are nearly there, if you don't want to pay the entrance fee fine, but I want to go in. And offer to drop them at another location nearby?

I'd be totally fucked off with them.

PussCatTheGoldfish · 04/08/2017 16:46

YANBU OP. I'd be really annoyed if I'd driven an hour and my friends THEN decided they didn't want to come.

My DC get a lot of cultural trips. We have only holidayed in the UK though so the weather lends itself to a mix! Ours come on an archaeological dig with us every year, and they love it. They love a good castle too.

Original poster
revolution909 · 04/08/2017 16:47

I was driving, we stopped for fuel, discussed it a bit and finally they said it wasn't what they thought it would be / too much money. I then drove around for another hour trying to get to a place they'd be happy to go. To amend things I just said yes to spending the afternoon with them but it backfired too. So today our last day I just took my family and did what I wanted. We felt bad for them for the lack of car so came back to see if they'd like to do something / be taken anywhere as I was satisfied with my "little" adventure. Gave her a hug tried to mend things for like the second time.

OP posts:
elenafrancesca · 04/08/2017 17:36

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

Maireadplastic · 04/08/2017 17:57

We go away with friends for a few days every year (not our main holiday). I love it because we parent the same way- some culture days, some lazy days. Kids go to bed in the evening, parents have grown-up time.
I couldn't do this with my siblings and their families- we tried! As you get more experienced, you work out who holidays will work with and who they won't. Don't go with them next time.

Abbylee · 04/08/2017 21:30

I mostly agree with "going along to get along" with the other family. But! DH and i (me Blush) wanted kids to "get culture" too. So usually, 1 day or 1 place of "culture". They are now young adults and (surpriseSmile) when they travel with friends; they go to museums. I couldn't believe my ears...ds and dd both. Museums/gardens can be fun if parents arent sticks.

Abbylee · 04/08/2017 21:36

Sorry, I've been lurking in cfn9 all day and skipped to the end. MY dh would have not driven back to pool, he would have driven to car rental and hotel. No patience with passiveaggressive twits. Nobody "turns around" on the way to a day's adventure.

Deidre21 · 04/08/2017 21:51

Children would naturally want to play about in a pool instead of walk around exploring culture, getting bored and hot and irritable. As someone mentioned,just because you did it, doesn't mean you have to make them do it too.

Deidre21 · 04/08/2017 21:53

Communication and lack of organisation seems to be the problem with you and your friends

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 04/08/2017 22:10

Sorry but 6 yr olds and culture don't mix, not unless quite subtle and not too restrictive eg a visit to a castle might be fun, but not an art gallery. Also I am a firm believer in the holiday being enjoyable for the kids and creating memories.

robinia · 04/08/2017 22:58

Six year olds and culture do mix. You just have to tailor it to make it fun for them. They don't have to get bored, hot and irritable.

Maireadplastic · 04/08/2017 23:16

Agreed Robinia.

Birdsgottaf1y · 05/08/2017 00:11

I wonder if it's been a lack of funds on their part and they haven't wanted to say.

I think that a Parent who has the opinion that a child shouldn't have to spend the holiday doing 'Cultural' things, if they know that their child wouldn't be interested, is perfectly fine to have that opinion. You have plenty of time, as an Adult to go to cultural places, before and after children.

As an Mum of Adult children, who wasn't particularly interested in cultural stuff, we now visit places together. My eldest was the only one interested in historical places as a child and now she isn't interested. You don't have to enforce their interest.

You said that your DH moaned because of a lack of planning, which means that there hasn't been enough of a proper conversation going on, even before you went.

You've had a picture in your head of you showing them what you know of France, but they wanted a different type of holiday and it sounds as though they were just humouring you. Lesson learnt, you'll have other opportunities to go back and do what you want.

Abbylee · 05/08/2017 02:04

Most art galleries have kid friendly spaces.

melj1213 · 05/08/2017 02:53

Sorry but 6 yr olds and culture don't mix, not unless quite subtle and not too restrictive eg a visit to a castle might be fun, but not an art gallery.

What a load of rubbish. My DD is 9, up until the age of 6 we lived in Madrid and some of her favourite activities were visiting the Golden Triangle of Art (Prado, Reina Sofia & Thyssen-Bornemisza) or insisting on walking home through Retiro so we could stop at the Palacio de Cristal for the hundredth time that week or touring the Palacio Real and imagining she's really a princess.

Culture is not something restricted to older people, it just needs to be done on the child's terms ... so go to an art gallery, but don't force them to try and analyse every picture as if they were an Art History undergraduate, just let them enjoy the colours and pictures ... and if they want to whizz past Guernica because it's boring black and white and just random shapes, no problem, they can come back and appreciate it's artistic merits when they're older.

Zvandelle · 05/08/2017 03:32

I don't know why you are getting so much grief!! You arranged that ( one day out of seven) you would go and do something cultural, and they agreed, then, 2/3rds of the way there, changed their minds. You'd run out of days, so no alternative trip on yr own could have happened. They also made the decision to go to a chain restaurant without consulting you, when you had few opportunities to have meals out.
I can't see why people are being weird with you about this - you were clear, consulted them, made a plan, they backed out after an hour. That's so, so rude. Also, to herd all the kids into any restaurant without consultation is awful. They sound as if they just rode rough-shod over you, and didn't care really about what you wanted to do at all.
Kids will rarely choose "cultural" things over the immediate attraction of a pool - but, like anything, its compromise for the whole family. My daughter is 9, and all she cares about is the bloody wifi and roblox!! I " make" her do a couple of cultural things on a holiday, as this is what she will remember, not a game! She usually likes it once we get there, I reassure her it doesn't have to be ages, and if there's no complaining there will be cake/ice cream at the end! Yes, we've had a couple of misses, but loads more hits.
Sounds like they didn't do research ( admission price, time of journey) and I imagine it had to be fairly significant place to warrant an 1 1/2 hour journey!!! Probably loads for kids to do, stuff targeted at them etc. These people sound massively ignorant, scuppering arranged plans. Maybe restaurant - wise they just felt a bit intimidated and out of their depth...shame though. No wonder they think the kids won't like it - they sound like spoiltchildren themselves!! Take no notice of the people who are having a go at you - they clearly can't read properly or get their heads around the timescale issue. Shame yr holiday has been tainted by all of this - hope yr partner is supporting you, and that all ends well. Probably never again with that lot, eh??

chatty1 · 05/08/2017 07:38

What a turn of events. You've been trying to communicate with people who refused to communicate. You have been stating from the start what you wanted so you came across as bosy and controlling. But the easygoing people 'let's play by ear' what they meant was 'we will run the show here and decide last minute or cancel last minute as we will not commit to anything this way, regardless how that affects you and if anything you tag along with us and not the other way around'. The problem here is that you've been outnumbered, classic scenario of the majority crashing any will of the minority. You could have had an amazing holiday all of you, with you doing your own thing, had you known what they wanted of course, and being together in the pool in evenings or every other day. Play by ear doesn't work when you were sharing a car. A car that wasn't available to you as you had to suck it to the group. It sounds like they even resented you for wanting something different. They were not nice to you. Hopefully you learnt a lesson and next time be more assertive. A group saying: let's play by ear, you needed to question: ok but just in case we disagree can we schedule of who has the car on which days/ half days? Only saying because I want to do some trips, and I'll need to know when... so everyone in the group is happy.

SlayeroftheVampyres · 05/08/2017 09:12

I agree with Chatty that your friends played a blinder pretending to be free and easy, when in fact they were hiding the fact that they wouldn't do anything other than the pool. As you say, YANBU to have expected them to have said something prior to the holiday, up front at the start of the week, or before getting into the car. I would be fuming in your position.

I am surprised that so many of these responses are on the side of the other family. It has nothing to do with what type of holiday you feel is better for the kids, but having the respect to communicate with the family you are on holiday with, particularly when you know they want to do different things.

I enjoyed culture as a child. I still do. My nearly 5 year old does as well. Last year on holiday he even dragged us into an art gallery that we were passing that we hadn't planned on going to. The trick is to do galleries in short bursts, talking about what you see in the pictures, but limited to about an hour or two when young.

Our holidays consist of lots of culture, playgrounds, beach time, soft play, and ice creams. It's the interactions with each other that make it a success or not. If people (young or old!) are getting cranky, we switch it up with something else. I've lowered my expectations of having to see everything in a place.

Kardashianlove · 05/08/2017 09:22

We felt bad for them for the lack of car so came back to see if they'd like to do something / be taken anywhere

You're still not 'listening' to them though, they have made it quite clear that they don't want to go out and prefer to stay by the pool.

Maybe they sense you feel that your type of holiday is better/superior to their type of holiday.

They shouldn't have agreed to go but the whole communication thing around the trip doesn't add up.
At first you said they didn't know how far it was and should have done their homework as there were signs everywhere.
Then it was the DC wouldn't enjoy it and now it's it was too expensive/was different to what they thought.

llangennith · 05/08/2017 10:18

Well revolution909 being forced to go on cultural visits and archeological sites as a small child certainly made you a fun person didn't it?Confused
Your friends deserve a medal for still being pleasant to you and enabling your DD to have a nice holiday.

Maireadplastic · 05/08/2017 10:45

OP, don't go on holiday with llangennith.

dollydaydream114 · 05/08/2017 11:15

OP, what you really seem to want is for people to agree that your idea of a good holiday is correct and your friends' idea of a good holiday is wrong.

Personally, I dont like sitting around a pool and I would be taking the kids for days out. HOWEVER, I also wouldn't go on holiday with another family at all. And if I did, I wouldn't expect them to agree with me on what we should do every day. If you wanted to go and explore with your daughter, you should have done so. This "well I couldn't do that because she wouldn't want to come without our friends' kids" is bollocks. If you want to take her to a chateau, JUST BLOODY TAKE HER! It's not complicated.

The other family are probably sick of you hanging around all day and probably fully expected you to do your own thing instead of sitting there being resentful.

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