Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS (14) says he's Bi-romantic?

167 replies

Confusingtimes · 03/08/2017 10:49

I know it's AIBU, but please be gentle! I would really appreciate any advice about how to help my son and how to come to terms with this myself.

DS has recently turned 14. He is in a very "liberal" independent school in London which is also very academic and the kids are very confident and articulate individuals in the main. The LGBT is a noticeable culture there, as in many schools. In DS' class of about 22, at least 3 boys openly identify as gay.in fact, the only ones dating are same-sex girl couples. One girl identifies as gay and "dates" various other girls who identify as bisexual. DS has spoken of at least 2 other boys in his class who identify as bisexual. Despite the apparent level of sophistication around their sexual orientations, none of them (except the girl who identifies as gay) have had any sexual contact whatsoever with their peers, in or out of school. They claim this would be "cringe". The teacher is gay (male) and is very open about this the class.

In the course of a conversation with DS the other day (in which I was admittedly being quite probing), he told me that he is "bi". He said he is sure he's not gay because he's had crushes on girls since he was about 8 and still does, but in the last six months he is also having similar feelings about boys.

In the course of the conversation, he said that it's not really a physical thing for him yet -it's more that he likes the look of some faces (girls and boys). It became apparent that he has no idea what is involved in gay sex and he says he's not ready to think about any sex at all yet.

He told me that some boys in his year say they madturbate to porn. He said he hasn't tried either yet and I do believe him. He also said that he thought you had to watch porn to masturbate Sad.

I have done my best to assure him that I'll be there for him no matter what. I also said that he shouldn't rush to label himself as anything at this stage. He said it was true he hadn't had urges to act on his feelings towards boys (or girls) yet and was in fact probably "bi-romantic" or "bi-curious" rather than bisexual Confused. I had to google what bi-romantic means!

I am feeling torn between my suspicion that this is some kind of "phase" or not. I have to admit my head is in a spin with it all and I just don't know what to think. I don't want to project my anxiety into him, so I'm typing it out here instead. Any advice welcome please.

OP posts:
nina2b · 03/08/2017 10:52

I think he sounds remarkably mature and grounded. Be proud of him!

sonjadog · 03/08/2017 10:55

Just go with it. It sounds more like he is experimenting with different ideas and with what he finds attractive at the moment. He might be gay, bi or heterosexual. Time will tell. I think it´s great that he is willing to discuss it with you, so if I were you, I would enjoy that privilege and talk openly about all the possibilities he wants to explore.

MTB133 · 03/08/2017 10:56

Does it really matter in today's society? Back in the day if you admitted this, you would have had the shit kicked out of you. I think kids and younger people in general are much more tolerant and I am not sure why it matters if someone is straight, gay or bi nowadays.

PinkHeart5911 · 03/08/2017 10:58

He will figure it at all in time. At 14 I think it is more than possible you would know if you were bisexual or whatever

And it doesn't really matter if his bisexual does it?

I don't think you really need to do anything right now apart from let him know that you support him & will always be there

Nikephorus · 03/08/2017 10:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Birdsgottaf1y · 03/08/2017 10:59

I'd tell him that he doesn't have to label himself.

This is going to be popular, but this is my experience of having three Adult DDs and their peers. A lot have gone through the labeling of themselves, to whatever labels are being put about, but when they get past 18, they usually identify with something more mainstream, Hetro/Gay/Bi and have worked out that it isn't helpful to categorise Human sexuality in the way some want.

You are yourself and your sexuality doesn't make you, in any way. All this labeling etc still isn't stopping Women being judged solely on their sexual behaviour, which is a bugbear of mine.

waitforitfdear · 03/08/2017 11:01

This is pretty commen op. My 4 went to a good run of the mill comp and there were out gay/Bi kids.

No one bats an eyelid. Was a real education to us and it's fantastic.

Keep chatting stop worrying if it's a phase or not so be it.

He sounds great just support his choices and as you would with any kid discuss safe sex and healthy relationships.

waitforitfdear · 03/08/2017 11:03

generally blond women no brains

Er wow

ginnybag · 03/08/2017 11:05

I think the culture in his school, whilst wonderfully open and supportive, is also very much 'on-trend' for teens at the moment.

This type of labelling is a thing, and it doesn't surprise me that he's using the phrases associated with it. Tumblr is a sea of 'information' and quizzes at the mo.

Part of me wants to roll my eyes at the level of 'special, unique labels' going on, part of me wonders whether the attitude that comes with won't be marvellous for society in another few years.

Keep talking to him, keep telling him it's okay to be whatever he wants to be, that he's in no rush and that what he wants/likes etc can and will change as he gets older but that you will be happy as long as he is happy and being careful and healthy in his exploration.

Looneytune253 · 03/08/2017 11:08

Fantastic. It seems he is just being quite open minded and isn't going to label himself at such an early age. My daughter is the same. She says she thinks shes straight but she's well aware of gay issues and helps out with LGBT groups at school. She isn't interested in boys or girls yet but she said she thought she would like boys lol. I think it's amazing how times have changed and they are able to be how they want to be and maybe just wait and see who they fall in love with rather than labelling themselves.

Edsheeranalbumparty · 03/08/2017 11:09

I do think it's quite trendy now to be bi this, or pan that, and I think that perfectly normal feelings (eg. Having certain feelings towards a member of the same sex) now have to have a label which is just ridiculous really. However, in the grand scheme it's probably all pretty harmless and most of these teenagers will be married to someone of the opposite sex with a couple of kids and a job in accounts by the time they are in their 30s.

squoosh · 03/08/2017 11:11

It's totally uncool these days for teens to identify as being something so mundane as straight. Just nod and smile and be supportive. Continue as you are basically.

troodiedoo · 03/08/2017 11:12

I wouldn't say to him that labels don't matter and it might be just a phase. He may interpret that as you being dismissive.

Just say you're fine with him being in a safe consensual relationship with anyone when the time is right. And you're always there to talk to.

I think my dd (18) was a bit miffed I wasn't more shocked when she told me she was gay a few years ago, but I've always suspected and it is not a big deal to me at all.

Nikephorus · 03/08/2017 11:14

wait - I'm not saying that all blonde women have no brains, I'm saying that the type I see in these photos tend almost exclusively to be the type who dye their hair, have fake orange tans, totter around (half drunk) and have the IQ of a village idiot. Totally different.

itstoolateforthisbollox · 03/08/2017 11:15

You should tell him that its perfectly normal to look at both boys and girls in that way, and that this modern obsession with labelling and wittering on and on about being "bi-romantic" or "gender-fluid" or the rest of the wankery is just a stupid phase that has fuck all to actually do with him and his life.

IfNot · 03/08/2017 11:15

I think it's astonishing be is so open with you! You should either be VERY proud of the amazingly honest relationship you have with your son, or start investigating the possibility of a double bluff and ransack his hard drive for porn!
Bless his little cotton socks.
The labelling nonsense is what the kids do now. Let them get on with it, it's a phase.

Soubriquet · 03/08/2017 11:16

Wtf is bi romantic?! Confused

I think most teens go through a phase of having a crush on people of the same sex

It's normal. If he acts on it, fine, if he doesn't, fine

Long as he's happy and safe, crack on.

I'm currently in a polyamorous relationship at the moment which is unique to most people

I keep it private to the home and not flaunt it about but it's happening

We are all consensual adults and happy with the arrangement

Original poster
Confusingtimes · 03/08/2017 11:16

Thankyou so much everyone.
Looney - yes that's what DS had said a few months back - that he will need to wait and see!
Things are so different these days. By his age I had snogged a few boys - it was like that came first and you worked out what you were into on that basis. Now they have all this terminology for things I had never really thought about at that age, but all the "labelling" precedes any experience - or even masturbation.

OP posts:
missiondecision · 03/08/2017 11:16

Bloody hell nick
I'm sure you think you are being helpful but ...
Blonde no brains ... really.

BarbarianMum · 03/08/2017 11:16

Well I was heterosexual at 14 and yet totally unwilling to have sexual contact with anyone. The idea made me cringe too. So I'm not sure that gets you much further.

Does it matter? I expect time will tell.

strawberrygate · 03/08/2017 11:18

I think the school is fostering an environment that's going to lead to a lot of fucked up kids. Why is the teacher telling them that he's gay? Straight teachers don't generally announce their sexuality

demirose87 · 03/08/2017 11:21

I think because we're more open about this kind of thing now, maybe he's saying it to fit in with others, or he may be confused and figuring out his sexuality, or he may already know who he is attracted to and what his sexuality is, only time will tell really. But it's great that he's talking to you about it as you both obviously have a good relationship. Just keep an open mind without any labels for now.

NaiceHam · 03/08/2017 11:22

I don't think it matters. I don't mean you're about to disown a gay son, I mean, who cares if it's a stage, if he does turn out to be bi or whatever else in between.

Be happy he felt comfortable to talk to you about it.

que sera sera Smile

ps. he's probably both masturbated and seen porn. Something's are just too much to discuss with your mother!

IdentifiesAsYoda · 03/08/2017 11:22

Hmm

I think I must be bi-romantic too. In fact I'd imagine most people are. Maybe I'm wrong.

That's nice would be the response I'd give. Because it is fine.

I am trying very very hard not to roll my eyes at the massive amount of self-analysis that seems to be entailed in being a teen now. But I suppose it's really no different from when I was a teen - it's just openly voiced.

ghostyslovesheets · 03/08/2017 11:22

so many negative stereotypes Nick I don't even know where to start!

OP just let him figure it out - you don't need to do anything - he sounds sensible and well informed

My 12 year old is unsure about her sexuality - I just love her and tell her she has all the time in the world to work it out and if she needs support I'm there. She's very open with me and I respect her choices