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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS (14) says he's Bi-romantic?

167 replies

Confusingtimes · 03/08/2017 10:49

I know it's AIBU, but please be gentle! I would really appreciate any advice about how to help my son and how to come to terms with this myself.

DS has recently turned 14. He is in a very "liberal" independent school in London which is also very academic and the kids are very confident and articulate individuals in the main. The LGBT is a noticeable culture there, as in many schools. In DS' class of about 22, at least 3 boys openly identify as gay.in fact, the only ones dating are same-sex girl couples. One girl identifies as gay and "dates" various other girls who identify as bisexual. DS has spoken of at least 2 other boys in his class who identify as bisexual. Despite the apparent level of sophistication around their sexual orientations, none of them (except the girl who identifies as gay) have had any sexual contact whatsoever with their peers, in or out of school. They claim this would be "cringe". The teacher is gay (male) and is very open about this the class.

In the course of a conversation with DS the other day (in which I was admittedly being quite probing), he told me that he is "bi". He said he is sure he's not gay because he's had crushes on girls since he was about 8 and still does, but in the last six months he is also having similar feelings about boys.

In the course of the conversation, he said that it's not really a physical thing for him yet -it's more that he likes the look of some faces (girls and boys). It became apparent that he has no idea what is involved in gay sex and he says he's not ready to think about any sex at all yet.

He told me that some boys in his year say they madturbate to porn. He said he hasn't tried either yet and I do believe him. He also said that he thought you had to watch porn to masturbate Sad.

I have done my best to assure him that I'll be there for him no matter what. I also said that he shouldn't rush to label himself as anything at this stage. He said it was true he hadn't had urges to act on his feelings towards boys (or girls) yet and was in fact probably "bi-romantic" or "bi-curious" rather than bisexual Confused. I had to google what bi-romantic means!

I am feeling torn between my suspicion that this is some kind of "phase" or not. I have to admit my head is in a spin with it all and I just don't know what to think. I don't want to project my anxiety into him, so I'm typing it out here instead. Any advice welcome please.

OP posts:
IdentifiesAsYoda · 03/08/2017 11:56

Notevil

I agree

CalmItKermitt · 03/08/2017 12:00

Smile and nod. It's all terribly trendy to be anything other than straight.

PeachPearPotato · 03/08/2017 12:05

strawberrygate not as many fucked up children as in a repressed environment. Also, don't worry, I don't think they will catch the gay so long as they wash their hands Hmm

LaurieMarlow · 03/08/2017 12:12

His generation have a much more fluid approach to sexuality. And refuse to label themselves as one 'thing', which I applaud.

Sexuality is complex and it changes. It's at its most confusing at that age.

Tell him it's fine to be whatever he feels and neither of the two of you should worry about it.

Original poster
Confusingtimes · 03/08/2017 12:13

On forms for his school now you are asked to tick whether your child is male, female or non-binary.

Thankyou for all the replies. It's very helpful in thinking this through.

I hasn't never particularly suspected he was possibly gay or bi growing up. He has 3 sisters and the "girly" stuff drives him mad. He's not bothered about his appearance particularly. He always preferred mixed groups of friends - he was never in with the football-obsessed boys. Maybe this means nothing whatsoever, but I can't help thinking back.

He is very confident in one sense because he sings and taught himself to play guitar and he writes his own music which he's performed at various venues. But another thing that came out in conversation is that he doesn't think he's good looking at all, which is such a shame because he's over 6 ft and (though I say it myself) he's always been drop dead gorgeous. He hates his teeth and says people are looking for abs these days!

OP posts:
itstoolateforthisbollox · 03/08/2017 12:15

His generation have a much more fluid approach to sexuality. And refuse to label themselves as one 'thing', which I applaud

I find the exact opposite, they seem to be obsessed with labels, and at an earlier and earlier age. OP's son is a case in point...."bi-romantic"? That's just being a normal teen, he doesn't have to declare himself to be anything.

waitforitfdear · 03/08/2017 12:16

He sounds completely normal op strawberry seriously really??

LaurieMarlow · 03/08/2017 12:17

Refusing to label themselves as gay or straight then. And finding language to express the complexities of sexuality. I think it's a huge step forward.

LaurieMarlow · 03/08/2017 12:18

starwberry the 1950s called. They're looking for you back.

IdentifiesAsYoda · 03/08/2017 12:18

Poor sod. Boys are subject to unrealistic and narrow definitions of beauty as girls these days. What is it with "abs" ?

EmpressOfTheSpartacusOceans · 03/08/2017 12:34

wears a flattening bra to hide their female form

Does Frank's mother know what effects binders can have?

IdentifiesAsYoda · 03/08/2017 12:38

My God!

surferjet · 03/08/2017 12:45

it won't be long before being straight is seen as 'cool' & unusual. Everyone these days seem to be part of the LGBTQ+ group. Anyway,
Op: It's great your son feels he can talk to you about his sexuality though, that's the main thing really.

IfNot · 03/08/2017 13:02

I think its really good that kids know that teachers can be gay, and its all out in the open. My son had a gay teacher-he was asked if he was married and he said he had a male partner. The class was totally accepting of it, as they should be.
The abs thing is worrying. Boys are feeling similar pressure to girls now in terms of body shape and hair etc.

RockinHippy · 03/08/2017 13:05

Sounds very much like my DDs school & in all honesty, I think it complicates things in a different way to when we were young, as it just isn't seen as "cool" to be straight anymore.

We've been through this with DD too, she insisted she's Bi, but was horrified by the idea of sex with a girl. She accused me of being homophobic too, even though her godparents are gay ffsHmm. 6 months later, she owns up to being straight, but not to anyone but her best friends. There is also such a long list of sexual & gender identity amongst her peers, that I just can't keep up anymore 😐 & they swap like the wind, the trans boy who identified & dressed as a girl for a whole year is now my macho rapper.

I think it's great for those who aren't straight that it's so open & easy these day, at least in DDs school, but if I'm honest, I do think it's extra pressure for them too

RockinHippy · 03/08/2017 13:06

I also go with, why do you need a label, it's a private stuff anyway

BarbarianMum · 03/08/2017 13:11

It may not be "cool" to be straight but, on the bright side, you are hardly ever verbally abused, harrassed or have the shit kicked out of you for being so. So let's not get carried away thinking that the world's changed that much. Homophobia is alive and well.

Evilstepmum01 · 03/08/2017 13:12

Empress Frank's female parent and their psychiatrist are aware of this.

Binders are not being used. Frank has freedom to express themselves but not to damage their growing body.
Frank's mum has had depression all her adult life, she believes expressing themselves is Franks's choice and wants her daughter to be happy.
Havent worded that very well, but she wants her kids to be happy and if this makes her happy, she'll support her!

itstoolateforthisbollox · 03/08/2017 13:14

And finding language to express the complexities of sexuality. I think it's a huge step forward

Or inventing nonsensical language to over complicate sexuality, from another standpoint. I don't think its a step forward at all, I think it gives an illusion of choice and freedom while confusing children even more.

RockinHippy · 03/08/2017 13:16

Barbarian - where did I say it wasShock

Please don't add things to my reply that are not there, I was talking about DDs school, not life Hmm

EmpressOfTheSpartacusOceans · 03/08/2017 13:17

That's reassuring, Evilstepmum! Frank sounds in good hands.

RockinHippy · 03/08/2017 13:18

"Or inventing nonsensical language to over complicate sexuality, from another standpoint. I don't think its a step forward at all, I think it gives an illusion of choice and freedom while confusing children even more"

This with knobs on 👍🏼

BarbarianMum · 03/08/2017 13:21

Oh sorry *RockinHippy. My kids' school is part of real life so I got confused there for a moment.

Original poster
Confusingtimes · 03/08/2017 13:30

Thankyou everyone. I guess my confusion is that while I can see how he could have been heavily influenced by his peer environment and the language it seems "cool" to use, would you claim to be bi anything unless you did feel this way. Why would you?

Even then, I would say having thoughts about the same sex is another matter entirely to actually doing anything about it? (Though I suppose you can have an orientation without having had sex). DS obviously knows about heterosexual sex as they've covered that at school. Surprisingly, they don't seem to have covered gay sex. All he knew was that "one goes on top and he other is underneath" Confused. When we talked about anal sex / oral he looked confused and said he hadn't considered that at all and he's not ready to think about any of that.

OP posts:
itstoolateforthisbollox · 03/08/2017 13:32

would you claim to be bi anything unless you did feel this way. Why would you?

To fit in, to seem cool.