DS (14) says he's Bi-romantic?

[Confusingtimes]

I know it's AIBU, but please be gentle! I would really appreciate any advice about how to help my son and how to come to terms with this myself.

DS has recently turned 14. He is in a very "liberal" independent school in London which is also very academic and the kids are very confident and articulate individuals in the main. The LGBT is a noticeable culture there, as in many schools. In DS' class of about 22, at least 3 boys openly identify as gay.in fact, the only ones dating are same-sex girl couples. One girl identifies as gay and "dates" various other girls who identify as bisexual. DS has spoken of at least 2 other boys in his class who identify as bisexual. Despite the apparent level of sophistication around their sexual orientations, none of them (except the girl who identifies as gay) have had any sexual contact whatsoever with their peers, in or out of school. They claim this would be "cringe". The teacher is gay (male) and is very open about this the class.

In the course of a conversation with DS the other day (in which I was admittedly being quite probing), he told me that he is "bi". He said he is sure he's not gay because he's had crushes on girls since he was about 8 and still does, but in the last six months he is also having similar feelings about boys.

In the course of the conversation, he said that it's not really a physical thing for him yet -it's more that he likes the look of some faces (girls and boys). It became apparent that he has no idea what is involved in gay sex and he says he's not ready to think about any sex at all yet.

He told me that some boys in his year say they madturbate to porn. He said he hasn't tried either yet and I do believe him. He also said that he thought you had to watch porn to masturbate .

I have done my best to assure him that I'll be there for him no matter what. I also said that he shouldn't rush to label himself as anything at this stage. He said it was true he hadn't had urges to act on his feelings towards boys (or girls) yet and was in fact probably "bi-romantic" or "bi-curious" rather than bisexual . I had to google what bi-romantic means!

I am feeling torn between my suspicion that this is some kind of "phase" or not. I have to admit my head is in a spin with it all and I just don't know what to think. I don't want to project my anxiety into him, so I'm typing it out here instead. Any advice welcome please.

should have added my LGBTQ friends with the family issues, can't speak for all the gays obvs!

I think pupils in a lot of schools are far more relaxed about this sort of thing now. Seeing your peers being open about it makes it easier to talk about with your parents, I guess. I doubt it's a trend thing, many people were more gender fluid in the past, it's just people aren't as worried talking about it anymore. At this age, though, there is still a lot of confusion or not knowing exactly what your sexuality is.

My advice is to OP not to necessarily bring it up unless he does, would you discuss it if he was talking about being romantically attracted to females only? Once you are more used to this new knowledge about him you'll find it easier to be more relaxed about it. If he asks again just carry on reassuring him everything is alright as you have already done.

I think it's nice that he can be so open with you.

Maybe he is bi, maybe he's not - does it matter? Your teens are when you're supposed to experiment and discover who you are, are they not? I'm of the opinion most teens don't want to stick themselves in a box - I teach a lot of them and none of them seem to want to label themselves one way or another. Good for them!

*Yes, but in ye olden days teenagers were members of the scouts, or played football, or joined the local youth group to fit in. At worst they died their hair black and stuck a few pins through their lips.

Now they bind (or cut off) their breasts, take hormones, shove poison into their faces and lips, and do long term damage in the name of "fitting in".*

Or, like my best friend: tried to kill himself, became addicted to booze and drugs, failed his GCSEs and ended up sleeping rough? All because he was a gay kid growing up in a Lancashire mining town where being gay wasn't really an option for him. He's only still alive because he had a supportive group of friends around him. It took years for him to rebuild his life, but he's now in a much better place.

what gets me is the makeup they all seem to apply immaculately

Dds have perfect makeup as do all their friends and their bi male friends is perfect .

I have years on them all and mines bollocks to be honest

waitforit it's all the youtube tutorials out there. They're properly expert at it. At that age I was an utter tragic mess. Not much better now.

When it comes to gender identity you may be right Maryz. But the OP and her son were talking about sexuality, which is totally different and doesn't require any bodily changes.

Mary I agree with what you've written.

I think the kids at the OPS school sound as if they have way too much time on their hands. Fucking hell, dd is 14 and spends most of her time playing minecraft, not breast binding and taking tumblr as gospel!

A 14 year old who hasn't masturbated

I think having this kind of madly introspective teenager would drive me nuts. And the school sounds hugely intense and not massively healthy tbh.

*In the course of a conversation with DS the other day (in which I was admittedly being quite probing),
He told me that some boys in his year say they madturbate to porn. He said he hasn't tried either yet and I do believe him. He also said that he thought you had to watch porn to masturbate sad.
*

You are way overstepping the mark OP.

I really don't think this is any of your business.

i woudn't give a shit either way.

think you are nurturing a good relationship op with great communication - something to be proud of, welldone you

Well let's hope you don't have one then Baalam. Let's hope you have a nice, straight teenager who looks pretty/handsome and knows it, has no self doubt and likes clothes shopping/animals (for a girl) and sport/computer games (for a boy).

I'm not sure why thinking about your sexuality and trying to understand it at that age is seen as 'madly introspective'

Cosmetic surgery for the masses has been available for years now, I personally don't see anything wrong in having a nose job if you have a nose you really hate - why should you have to 'put up with it'? It's no different to fixing your teeth with braces imo. Not many parents let their kids grow up with awful wonky teeth, so what's the difference?
The world changes, time moves on and so do attitudes. I think it's great that we can be anything we want to be, whether that's a sexual identity or a physical look.
It's progress. ( although I'm sure all these sexual labels have always been there, just a bit more hidden )
& wrt the rise in depression / self harm / that's more to do with social media than anything else ( becoming more isolated? )
Plus not enough funding in mental health services.

There's no more 'labelling' going on than there ever was. It's just that there's much more language available now to express more complex understanding of our sexuality. And more tolerance of those outside the norm.

I think that's much better than a binary choice between straight (acceptable), gay (much less acceptable). Which is exactly as it was in my day.

Maryz
I don't watch celebrity big brother or any of that shite, but yes, I do agree that some people take cosmetic surgery way too far, but I'm still convinced they're in the minority.

Yes, no, maybe? I think my tale on it is that it's probably still quite scary to think you might be gay or bi and if the OP's son (or any teen) is able to lessen that fear by talking about it with their family/friends and it being accepted by them, then that's a good thing. I doubt anyone's going to hold them to it if they change their mind.

Thanks - sorry just catching up.
I wouldn't say he's the "wildly introspective" type at all tbh. He's always been very straightforward really. No interest in any kind of cross-dressing or gender confusion. He's not interested in his appearance or fashion much for a teen, possibly getting a little more choosy about clothes, but not much. I do agree that there's as much pressure on boys re- appearance and body image these days. I heard of an older boy in a different school who ordered fat burning tablets from the internet which very sadly killed him.
Caiieach - as I said, it was DS, not me, who brought up the subject of masturbation because he said there are some boys in his year who say you can only do this to porn. I don't think its overstepping the mark to let him know that masturbating and porn are not necessarily synonymous. I think that's a conversation parents and teens should be having anyway. Too much too young can have a desensitising effect when it comes to later relationships.
He has gone off to meet a girl from school to go to the cinema this pm. Some weeks back this girl texted him to see if he wanted to be in a relationship with her. He said he thought they should stay platonic as he values her as a friend . So she straight away texted another girl who claims to be gay and now they are an item apparently. This is what they're like. It's hard to keep up!

I agree, you are doing well, and all this 'labelling' these days, is actually more unhelpful than helpful.

Maryz - yes I agree. Sometimes it's all too much too soon perhaps.