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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS (14) says he's Bi-romantic?

167 replies

Confusingtimes · 03/08/2017 10:49

I know it's AIBU, but please be gentle! I would really appreciate any advice about how to help my son and how to come to terms with this myself.

DS has recently turned 14. He is in a very "liberal" independent school in London which is also very academic and the kids are very confident and articulate individuals in the main. The LGBT is a noticeable culture there, as in many schools. In DS' class of about 22, at least 3 boys openly identify as gay.in fact, the only ones dating are same-sex girl couples. One girl identifies as gay and "dates" various other girls who identify as bisexual. DS has spoken of at least 2 other boys in his class who identify as bisexual. Despite the apparent level of sophistication around their sexual orientations, none of them (except the girl who identifies as gay) have had any sexual contact whatsoever with their peers, in or out of school. They claim this would be "cringe". The teacher is gay (male) and is very open about this the class.

In the course of a conversation with DS the other day (in which I was admittedly being quite probing), he told me that he is "bi". He said he is sure he's not gay because he's had crushes on girls since he was about 8 and still does, but in the last six months he is also having similar feelings about boys.

In the course of the conversation, he said that it's not really a physical thing for him yet -it's more that he likes the look of some faces (girls and boys). It became apparent that he has no idea what is involved in gay sex and he says he's not ready to think about any sex at all yet.

He told me that some boys in his year say they madturbate to porn. He said he hasn't tried either yet and I do believe him. He also said that he thought you had to watch porn to masturbate Sad.

I have done my best to assure him that I'll be there for him no matter what. I also said that he shouldn't rush to label himself as anything at this stage. He said it was true he hadn't had urges to act on his feelings towards boys (or girls) yet and was in fact probably "bi-romantic" or "bi-curious" rather than bisexual Confused. I had to google what bi-romantic means!

I am feeling torn between my suspicion that this is some kind of "phase" or not. I have to admit my head is in a spin with it all and I just don't know what to think. I don't want to project my anxiety into him, so I'm typing it out here instead. Any advice welcome please.

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 03/08/2017 11:24

Why is the teacher telling them that he's gay? Straight teachers don't generally announce their sexuality

Well I'm Mrs Maisy on the timetable and when the students ask if im doing anythinh nice at the weekend I'll say that I'm off to the the garden centre with my husband. Me and my husband are also involved in local community groups. It's not a sexually announcement.

I don't see an issue with it. It's not like teenagers are going to catch gay because a teacher isn't closeted. Hell, there's a couple of gay and lesbian members of staff at my school who've attended school concerts/plays with their same sex partner.

squoosh · 03/08/2017 11:24

I am trying very very hard not to roll my eyes at the massive amount of self-analysis that seems to be entailed in being a teen now.

Me too. They're all so bloomin' earnest.

troodiedoo · 03/08/2017 11:24

strawberrygate That's because being straight is the default the hetero normative straight privilege as my dd likes to inform me from time to time.

I used to scoff and roll my eyes. But then I remembered my mum sometimes telling my grandparents off for using racist language. Times change, and thank goodness.

astoundedgoat · 03/08/2017 11:25

I would just nod and smile. He hasn't the faintest idea of much yet, apart from the relative fluidity of sexual attraction, and as he gets older he will decide for himself what makes him happy. When I was in my teens (older than your DS) were were all merrily snogging each other and having same-sex crushes, and I'm pretty confident that every girl I ever kissed is in a hetero-normative relationship today (as am I), and hasn't given any of it a second thought (except perhaps for the odd fleeting pang for Tilda Swinton). I think it's fantastic that your son's school is so relaxed about it all though.

The idea that masturbation requires porn is one that needs sorting out, or how is he going to manage with a "no internet/screen time after 10pm" rule, or whatever you have in your house? Grin

llhj · 03/08/2017 11:25

All of this trans bi gay straight etc etc talk is too much imo. Puts loads of pressure on kids to identify too early and box themselves into positions that they don't need to be in. As for a teacher talking about their sexuality , that's totally inappropriate.

BarbarianMum · 03/08/2017 11:25

Straight teachers don't generally announce their sexuality

Straight people don't have to announce their sexuality because people generally assume you are straight unless you say/indicate otherwise. You realise this "announcement" may have been something as innocuous as refering to his husband/partner by name? Hmm

squoosh · 03/08/2017 11:28

I doubt the teacher arrived in class one day and said 'Hear ye, hear ye, behold thine gay geography teacher'.

Original poster
Confusingtimes · 03/08/2017 11:28

In his friendship group, they are all obsessed with this American TV show called Rupaul's drag race. I never had time to watch it - it's all drag acts in high drama apparently. Anyway, they all love it.

I admit I had a look on DS's search history because he's spending a lot more time in his computer at night and I was wondering if he might be watching porn. He leaves his computer around with no password. So this wasn't hard. Anyway, among a lot of searches related to Rupauls Drag Race, political stuff and other random stuff, he had googled something like -

"How to get a girl way hotter than you"
"How to tell if you are gay"
"Gay people coming out"

(In that sequence).

On another night he had googled -

"Men of Reddit, at what age did you start watching porn?

He had also googled -

"Hot girls onthe beach"

"XX strikes back at anti gay bigot" (a few things like that).

That was pretty much it for the last few weeks.

OP posts:
Nelly5678 · 03/08/2017 11:29

He likes people, what's in their pants doesn't bother him yet. Currently he's pansexual but that may change as sexuality is a flowing ever changing thing

IdentifiesAsYoda · 03/08/2017 11:29

troodie

I know. It is good. I have some great chats about the whole transgender issue with mine recently

llhj

I think it's fine for a teacher to tell pupils s/he is gay. What is the harm?

Evilstepmum01 · 03/08/2017 11:30

My friends teenage daughter has recently come out as 'non-binary'.

We have no fuckin clue what this is but she or 'they' as they must now be referred to has cut off all their hair, renamed themselves 'Frank' and will only answer to it and wears a flattening bra to hide their female form. Frank wants to be.....non identifiable as either sex.

Franks female parent has her eyebrows so far up they have disappeared but she is listening to them and simply allowing Frank to express themselves.

Theres far too much labelling at such a young age. The school Frank attends is our local academy and there is a group of ultra hip kids who identify as bi/binary/asexual and other labels so its all about exploring who they are.

Think its great your son can talk to you about his feelings, Frank attends a psychiatrist for MH issues that are being worked through, so they have help available and someone impartial to guide them.

Personally, I think she's being a teenager and exploring every option. thats fine, its good to be open-minded. Her mum does not want to push her to 'conform to societal pressure'.

IdentifiesAsYoda · 03/08/2017 11:31

Evil

Frank's mum sounds cool

MaisyPops · 03/08/2017 11:33

Hear ye, hear ye, behold thine gay geography teacher
Grin
I hope he had a bell too and a loud town crier voice for maximum announcing effect.

Original poster
Confusingtimes · 03/08/2017 11:34

There is a lot talk in his school about "non-binary". I believe there are now non-binary toilets.

DS told me that the teacher said he lives alone these days with his pets as he got bored with the whole gay scene and would rather be celibate.

OP posts:
DaddyYannis · 03/08/2017 11:35

I think it's fantastic that you're able to have this sort of chat with your DS. I came out to my Mum at a similar age (15) and to be honest it was a bit of a shock to her and our relationship suffered until I was into my twenties (she is wonderful now!). How nice that kids are encouraged to be open about their feelings as they are growing up and finding out more about the world! In my day, I couldn't be out at school, and there was just no outlet for a normal "romantic" teenage relationship.

Keep the chats going and just keep being supportive. If he changes his mind, fine, if he doesn't fine!

And Drag Race is an amazing show, I highly recommend you investigate further.

llhj · 03/08/2017 11:36

I just don't think any teacher should enter into any conversations about their sexuality or sexual practices etc. It's not appropriate for a pupil teacher relationship.

Edsheeranalbumparty · 03/08/2017 11:38

All these labels are just modern equivalents of 'goths', 'emos', 'geeks' etc.

Non-binary literally doesn't mean anything.

IdentifiesAsYoda · 03/08/2017 11:40

llhj

Not even : I'm gay?

Not even : my husband and i went to Germany for our honeymoon?

Just normal stuff that might come out in conversation between pupils and teachers in 2017

I very much doubt teacher is outlining favourite sexual positions

I'm a TA and pupils know I have a husband and two children Shockarama

squoosh · 03/08/2017 11:42

I was thinking of the mournful goths of yore. They'd definitely have identified as non-binary and rolled their eyes at anything desperately heteronormative and.......suburban.

ghostyslovesheets · 03/08/2017 11:47

so if a pupil asks a teacher 'are you gay' they should deny it?

teachers talk about their lives - their kids, their experiences - it builds relationships with students

cardibach · 03/08/2017 11:48

*llhj so you think it would be inappropriate of a teacher to mention their husband or wife? That is mentioning their sexuality, surely?

dinosaursandtea · 03/08/2017 11:50

He's obviously in a very supporting environment and both you and the school should be proud. It doesn't matter if it's a phase - I identified as bisexual in my teens and snogged a few boys, now I'm a lesbian. And maybe he is bi-romantic in which case he's lucky to be supported from the start.

BarbarianMum · 03/08/2017 11:52

I think you'll find that your "non-binary" toilets are common or garden unisex toilets OP. Very common in secondaries these days.

Yesbutnobutmaybe · 03/08/2017 11:52

Op I think it's great that your son feels comfortable enough to tell you how he feels. I'm in my late 30s and still don't feel able to tell my parents that I'm bi.
Having a school environment where he is able to express himself without fear of being judged is a rare and wonderful thing.

Notevilstepmother · 03/08/2017 11:54

You don't need advice. Smile I have done my best to assure him that I'll be there for him no matter what. I also said that he shouldn't rush to label himself as anything at this stage is absolutely fine and you must have a good relationship with him already or you wouldn't have been having these conversations with him. Just keep doing what you are doing.