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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DS (14) says he's Bi-romantic?

167 replies

Confusingtimes · 03/08/2017 10:49

I know it's AIBU, but please be gentle! I would really appreciate any advice about how to help my son and how to come to terms with this myself.

DS has recently turned 14. He is in a very "liberal" independent school in London which is also very academic and the kids are very confident and articulate individuals in the main. The LGBT is a noticeable culture there, as in many schools. In DS' class of about 22, at least 3 boys openly identify as gay.in fact, the only ones dating are same-sex girl couples. One girl identifies as gay and "dates" various other girls who identify as bisexual. DS has spoken of at least 2 other boys in his class who identify as bisexual. Despite the apparent level of sophistication around their sexual orientations, none of them (except the girl who identifies as gay) have had any sexual contact whatsoever with their peers, in or out of school. They claim this would be "cringe". The teacher is gay (male) and is very open about this the class.

In the course of a conversation with DS the other day (in which I was admittedly being quite probing), he told me that he is "bi". He said he is sure he's not gay because he's had crushes on girls since he was about 8 and still does, but in the last six months he is also having similar feelings about boys.

In the course of the conversation, he said that it's not really a physical thing for him yet -it's more that he likes the look of some faces (girls and boys). It became apparent that he has no idea what is involved in gay sex and he says he's not ready to think about any sex at all yet.

He told me that some boys in his year say they madturbate to porn. He said he hasn't tried either yet and I do believe him. He also said that he thought you had to watch porn to masturbate .

I have done my best to assure him that I'll be there for him no matter what. I also said that he shouldn't rush to label himself as anything at this stage. He said it was true he hadn't had urges to act on his feelings towards boys (or girls) yet and was in fact probably "bi-romantic" or "bi-curious" rather than bisexual . I had to google what bi-romantic means!

I am feeling torn between my suspicion that this is some kind of "phase" or not. I have to admit my head is in a spin with it all and I just don't know what to think. I don't want to project my anxiety into him, so I'm typing it out here instead. Any advice welcome please.

OP posts:

Scrumpernickel · 03/08/2017 13:33

It's great you can have such frank conversations. I'm trying to picture my 14 years old self discussing blow jobs and sex with my mum over a cuppa!

Scribblegirl · 03/08/2017 13:41

I'm a happily engaged (to a man) bi woman who didn't really sexually 'awaken' until I was about 16. I knew I didn't differentiate between who I fancied but frankly despite having sexual urges I didn't have sexual urges towards either sex until I was nearly 17. Felt like a bit of a freak for this and if the 'bi-romantic' term had been around back in the day I'd have been delighted to use it to describe the fact that I thought both men and women were gorgeous but I wasn't quite there on the whole shagging thing

I think his google searches sound fine for that age and there's nothing to worry about. I went on to date both girls and boys but met a man 5 years ago who I'm going to marry. My parents aren't very supportive (still refer to my gay relationships as a phase) but I would marry the person I wanted irregardless. Personally, as much as I know others say teens are more introspective these days, I don't think they're any different to how I was - except maybe it's a bit more socially acceptable I share it?

I think your DS sounds great and he'll figure it all out, but in the meantime keep supporting him and it'll be fine

Original poster

Confusingtimes · 03/08/2017 13:45

Well I was surprised at how frank I was being tbh!

The other thing is, he said he had a big thing for a girl for 2 years at primary school. He said he's had other crushes on girls, but no thoughts about boys until the last 6 months - which coincidentally is the period he's been hanging out with this peer group.

They are all into a pop star called Brendan Urie who is now married and straight but is very open that had some bi experiences prior to this. DS actually met him some months ago which was a huge excitement (I must admit this man is amazingly talented and charismatic). DS said he wasn't aware of fancying him at the time but now he thinks he's very good looking.

OP posts:

Northernparent68 · 03/08/2017 13:46

Why were you asking probing questions ? Just let him be himself. I think discussing anal sex, and porn with your teenage son is a bit odd and is checking his search history is invasive. You are over invested in his sexuality. A man who did this to his daughter would be torn to shreds.

Scribblegirl · 03/08/2017 13:47

Oh and just to address your last post OP - so what if he's being influenced by his environment? I thought it was cool to wear mismatched knee high socks and long lace dresses at that age because the Dresden Dolls did it 😂 Why should his environmental influences be more dramatic because they're about who you tell your mates you fancy? He's not having sex, it's not a tattoo, being a sponge to your tiny cultural sphere is kind of what being a teenager's about! Don't call it a phase but accept that it's not negative to be swayed by where you are at this age. It won't hurt him to have had a period questioning his sexuality - most blokes I know did, the only difference is being able to talk about it and consult google nowadays

BarbarianMum · 03/08/2017 13:50

One of the simiularities between heterosexual and homosexual sex is that you don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with. That's worth emphasising to him. Also, the importance of protecting yourself against STDs, even if there is no pregnancy risk. Again this applies no matter who you sleep with.

I honestly suggest you stop trying to figure this out now OP and give him space to figure himself out.

LaurieMarlow · 03/08/2017 13:51

Or inventing nonsensical language to over complicate sexuality

So you think sexuality is just black and white then? Gay or straight? No difference between romantic attraction and sexual attraction?

That's definitely not my experience.

Original poster

Confusingtimes · 03/08/2017 13:52

The only reason porn came up was that he said he thought you had to watch it to masturbate So I said no you do not not and that masturbation is a normal thing when you're ready.

OP posts:

itstoolateforthisbollox · 03/08/2017 13:53

So you think sexuality is just black and white then? Gay or straight? No difference between romantic attraction and sexual attraction

I didn't say that or anything remotely like that. A ridiculous response.

Maryz · 03/08/2017 13:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaurieMarlow · 03/08/2017 13:56

You sound very invested in this OP. Would it upset you if he eventually identifies as bi?

IdentifiesAsYoda · 03/08/2017 13:56

I agree with Scribblegirl.

I think women are very good looking - my room at University was plastered with a montage of artfully cut-out Supermodels. Never occurred to me that appreciating female beauty means you fancy women or want to have sex with them.

Your son is just voicing that (because his social group says it's OK to do so) and wondering what it means. It may mean he's sexually attracted to boys, or it may not.

And I'd imagine it's pretty normal to have not really considered, or be actually a bit repelled by 'sex acts' at 14. with a real person - Fascinated in theory (and knowledgeable though I was). I'm not sure about boys, but I know I was at that age.

LaurieMarlow · 03/08/2017 13:59

I didn't say that or anything remotely like that. A ridiculous response.

Yes you did. You referred to terms used (bi-curious, bi-romantic) as invented nonsensical language that over complicates sexuality

BarbarianMum · 03/08/2017 13:59

I've always assumed "bi-romantic" meant that you fancied both sexes but found the idea of actual sex with either a bit much. But I'm old so don't really know.

Maryz · 03/08/2017 14:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BarbarianMum · 03/08/2017 14:04

I was the same Yoda , so was dh (not that I knew him then but its something we've talked about). I think quite a lot of teens aren't ready for sex at 13/14/15 even though it seems to be taken as read that they are.

Edsheeranalbumparty · 03/08/2017 14:06

I was thinking of the mournful goths of yore. They'd definitely have identified as non-binary and rolled their eyes at anything desperately heteronormative and.......suburban.

Ah yes 'heteronormative' - the insult du jour.

'Oh, that's so heteronormative '

Scrumpernickel · 03/08/2017 14:08

I think quite a lot of teens aren't ready for sex at 13/14/15 even though it seems to be taken as read that they are.

Absolutely. FAR too young.

nauticant · 03/08/2017 14:11

As I read itstoolateforthisbollox, the comment about over complicating sexuality is the need to put people's individual sexualities* into their own boxes. The need to define.

In my view, this need to define in order to establish where one fits into a peer group is not something that looks particularly helpful.

which will be all over the place because people are complex but that is in itself not a problem

Scribblegirl · 03/08/2017 14:13

And I agree with everything itstoolateforthisbollox says. Why label anything? Why can't kids these days just be ffs?

Because when you're trying to figure out the world and all the horrid stuff in it, you need a sense of belonging to something - anything - that feels fixed and purposeful. I really don't get the confusion.

IdentifiesAsYoda · 03/08/2017 14:19

I think I've changed my mind. It's good teens can talk and comforting to attach a label to what they feel. As long as the label is a Post It note, and not superglued...

Original poster

Confusingtimes · 03/08/2017 14:20

Maybe I am over-invested in all this. I think it's more the realisation that they're so naive in terms of actual experiences, but so over-sophisticated with all the terminology for everything.
I talked to DH. He said that this generation will be more experimental and all we can do is be there for him.

OP posts:

Maryz · 03/08/2017 14:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IdentifiesAsYoda · 03/08/2017 14:22

Confusing

Yes, I know what you mean.

LaurieMarlow · 03/08/2017 14:22

It's good teens can talk and comforting to attach a label to what they feel. As long as the label is a Post It note, and not superglued

This is a great way of putting it

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