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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS (14) says he's Bi-romantic?

167 replies

Confusingtimes · 03/08/2017 10:49

I know it's AIBU, but please be gentle! I would really appreciate any advice about how to help my son and how to come to terms with this myself.

DS has recently turned 14. He is in a very "liberal" independent school in London which is also very academic and the kids are very confident and articulate individuals in the main. The LGBT is a noticeable culture there, as in many schools. In DS' class of about 22, at least 3 boys openly identify as gay.in fact, the only ones dating are same-sex girl couples. One girl identifies as gay and "dates" various other girls who identify as bisexual. DS has spoken of at least 2 other boys in his class who identify as bisexual. Despite the apparent level of sophistication around their sexual orientations, none of them (except the girl who identifies as gay) have had any sexual contact whatsoever with their peers, in or out of school. They claim this would be "cringe". The teacher is gay (male) and is very open about this the class.

In the course of a conversation with DS the other day (in which I was admittedly being quite probing), he told me that he is "bi". He said he is sure he's not gay because he's had crushes on girls since he was about 8 and still does, but in the last six months he is also having similar feelings about boys.

In the course of the conversation, he said that it's not really a physical thing for him yet -it's more that he likes the look of some faces (girls and boys). It became apparent that he has no idea what is involved in gay sex and he says he's not ready to think about any sex at all yet.

He told me that some boys in his year say they madturbate to porn. He said he hasn't tried either yet and I do believe him. He also said that he thought you had to watch porn to masturbate Sad.

I have done my best to assure him that I'll be there for him no matter what. I also said that he shouldn't rush to label himself as anything at this stage. He said it was true he hadn't had urges to act on his feelings towards boys (or girls) yet and was in fact probably "bi-romantic" or "bi-curious" rather than bisexual Confused. I had to google what bi-romantic means!

I am feeling torn between my suspicion that this is some kind of "phase" or not. I have to admit my head is in a spin with it all and I just don't know what to think. I don't want to project my anxiety into him, so I'm typing it out here instead. Any advice welcome please.

OP posts:
IdentifiesAsYoda · 03/08/2017 14:22

Mrayz

Agree with that too.

Scribblegirl · 03/08/2017 14:28

Maryz Agree with you on that but we're not talking about TG issues, are we? I don't think I've seen anything on the thread that suggests OP's son is making any permanent changes.

Ktown · 03/08/2017 14:31

I read once that feelings and navel gazing started in the 60s America.
Bloody hell cant people just get on with life and sleep with who they want but not bang on about things.
Send em all to military school and Afghanistan so they suffer a bit and stop banging on about me me me (am only half joking!)

RockinHippy · 03/08/2017 14:33

Bit unnecessarily snarky there Barbarian 🙄

We are lucky to live in a very tolerant little bubble & DDs school is one of a few locally that reflects that beautifully. I am however fully aware that's not the norm nationwide, or even county wide, but I was referring to DDs school as it sounds similar, NOT your own DCs school or anywhere else. The world doesn't revolve around you & your DCs you know, there are other experiences out there 😉

RockinHippy · 03/08/2017 14:33

"Sounds similar to OPs"

BarbarianMum · 03/08/2017 14:35

Yes, but in ye olden days teenagers were members of the scouts, or played football, or joined the local youth group to fit in. At worst they died their hair black and stuck a few pins through their lips.

No, they also self-harmed, pretended to be straight, ran away from home, got rejected by their families for coming out, got into drugs/drink rather than admit what they were feeling to themselves, committed suicide...

I hope there are some - I hope there are lots - but I don't know a single gay person of my generation who didn't have a really hard time as a teen because of their sexuality (accepting it themselves and then finding acceptance in others). And some of the programmes broadcast by the BBC seem to bear that experience out too.

Overall, things are better now, even though parts of the trans movement seems to want to reverse that.

ThreeLeggedDonkey · 03/08/2017 14:43

Doesn't bi-romantic simply mean he gets on well with both boys and girls, and has friends of both sexes. In fact, just like everyone else really hmm

No, being bi-romantic means that you'd potentially want a romantic (not necessarily sexual) relationship with either a man or a woman. To be honest, it's not something that I've heard outside of the asexual community. It's really just a way of saying "I don't want to have sex with you, but I do want all the other things associated with a relationship."

Scribblegirl · 03/08/2017 14:45

Agree Barbarian. I don't think discussing the trans movement in this post is particularly helpful - it's not got really anything to do with the OP and it inevitably fires up a whole lot of (often valid) feelings amongst the MN community which shouldn't be applied to issues of sexuality, which, in my view, are very different.

CoteDAzur · 03/08/2017 14:45

"got into drugs/drink rather than admit what they were feeling to themselves"

The vast majority of young adults drink at least occasionally and have at least tried a drug or two. That's not because they can't "admit" their feelings to themselves.

RockinHippy · 03/08/2017 14:52

No, they also self-harmed, pretended to be straight, ran away from home, got rejected by their families for coming out, got into drugs/drink rather than admit what they were feeling to themselves, committed suicide...

Totally agree with this, it's very naive to think otherwise & I have lost several close friends to drugs & suicide for this very reason & it wasn't easy for any of them, even the ones who survived & went onto have great relationships with their families, the transition to adulthood & awakening sexuality was traumatic for all of them

LaurieMarlow · 03/08/2017 14:54

The vast majority of young adults drink at least occasionally and have at least tried a drug or two. That's not because they can't "admit" their feelings to themselves

True, but that's not what Barbarian is saying. The point is that those struggling to come to terms with their sexuality have turned to drink/drugs in the past as crutch.

BarbarianMum · 03/08/2017 14:55

I was talking of gay teens specifically Cote, who were (historically at least) over-represented in the addiction statistics.

BarbarianMum · 03/08/2017 14:55

X post

IdentifiesAsYoda · 03/08/2017 14:58

ThreeLegged

"It's really just a way of saying "I don't want to have sex with you, but I do want all the other things associated with a relationship."

Yes

And I think it's that exactly that has some of us a bit stumped: 14 year olds generally don't want to actually be having sex with anyone (apart from themselves)

chronicleink · 03/08/2017 15:00

I work with LGBTQ people and the trend for multiple fluid labels is very prevalent with the younger ones. No one wants to be boring old straight or gay anymore! I wouldn't worry too much about it and focus on the positives, that he's openly discussing this with you rather than shutting off or getting embarrassed. I had one girl ( she'd be a lesbian in the olden days as she's only had girlfriends and isn't attracted to blokes!) explain bi-romantic to me and she likes the idea of boys, and hanging out with them and having a dinner 'date' with them but just not having sex with them. So I explained to her that I do that with some men but I just call them what they are close mates! She doesn't call herself a 'lesbian' as she's 'open' in theory to a boyfriend despite the absolute non-sexual attraction she has for men because she doesn't like labeling herself when all her friends are pan/poly whatevers...

LaurieMarlow · 03/08/2017 15:01

I have an aunt who grew up in 1960's Catholic Northern Ireland and is lesbian. I know she'd infinitely prefer to be growing and understanding her sexuality now (for all the 'confusing language' that people find so troubling) than then.

I can't imagine how hard it was for her, growing up with literally no role models and no real opportunity to talk about her experiences.

Thisisanotherusername · 03/08/2017 15:02

And I think it's that exactly that has some of us a bit stumped: 14 year olds generally don't want to actually be having sex with anyone

Yes but many will be sexually attracted to others even if they don't feel quite ready to act upon those feelings yet.
For those people, and for asexual people, distinguishing between romantic attraction and sexual attraction can be helpful.

IdentifiesAsYoda · 03/08/2017 15:03

chronicle

That made me laugh a bit

"Oh, you mean a friend?"

IdentifiesAsYoda · 03/08/2017 15:04

Thisisanother

Can you please tell me how to do that? I'm not sure now (at 47)?

Only partly joking, BTW

Louisianna16 · 03/08/2017 15:05

I dont think its any coincidence that we are seeing absolutely soaring mental health issues- anxiety, depression, eating disorders - amongst teens, and even younger children these days.

Being a teenager is difficult enough, but the pressures of the sexualised, body focused, labelled, perfection seeking 24/7 world they live in must be adding greatly to the usual confusions we all experienced .

Thisisanotherusername · 03/08/2017 15:10

IdentifiesAsYoda

How to experience sexual attraction for a person but not want to have sex with them at that particular point in time? I couldn't tell you, I'm asexual.

ThreeLeggedDonkey · 03/08/2017 15:11

*Yes

And I think it's that exactly that has some of us a bit stumped: 14 year olds generally don't want to actually be having sex with anyone (apart from themselves)*

Yeah, that's a very fair point! I was just trying to make the distinction between 'friends' and 'romantic', but probably didn't do it very well.

Like thisisanother said, it's a way to separate romantic and sexual feelings. That's why it's mostly used amongst asexuals, I think. We don't want to have sex, but the closeness that a relationship brings is something that a lot of asexuals do want.

I think if you do experience sexual attraction, then it can be tough to distinguish between sexual and romantic because they're generally linked for non-asexuals (sexuals?!)

LaurieMarlow · 03/08/2017 15:11

We're seeing greater diagnosis and treatment of mental health issues across all demographics Louisianna. I'm sure a huge amount of it is simply that we now believe in the diagnosis and treatment of it. When I was a teenager growing up in the 90s, I'd never heard of mental health. I'm sure plenty of people suffered though.

IdentifiesAsYoda · 03/08/2017 15:18

Aaah thisisanother. Sorry if I was crass.

chronicleink · 03/08/2017 15:27

I'll second the commentators saying how awful it used to be for teenage LGBTQs. I had an absolutely miserable time. Didn't know any openly gay people, no role models anywhere, confused, ashamed. Missed out on all the usually teenage romance, dating, going to discos stuff. It really was awful, and most of the LGBTQ people of my generation and younger had very similar experiences. Plus more than 50% of them now, actually make that 75% have family issues, don't see their families or aren't accepted by them. The world is a changed place for the better I think.

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