DS (14) says he's Bi-romantic?

[Confusingtimes]

I know it's AIBU, but please be gentle! I would really appreciate any advice about how to help my son and how to come to terms with this myself.

DS has recently turned 14. He is in a very "liberal" independent school in London which is also very academic and the kids are very confident and articulate individuals in the main. The LGBT is a noticeable culture there, as in many schools. In DS' class of about 22, at least 3 boys openly identify as gay.in fact, the only ones dating are same-sex girl couples. One girl identifies as gay and "dates" various other girls who identify as bisexual. DS has spoken of at least 2 other boys in his class who identify as bisexual. Despite the apparent level of sophistication around their sexual orientations, none of them (except the girl who identifies as gay) have had any sexual contact whatsoever with their peers, in or out of school. They claim this would be "cringe". The teacher is gay (male) and is very open about this the class.

In the course of a conversation with DS the other day (in which I was admittedly being quite probing), he told me that he is "bi". He said he is sure he's not gay because he's had crushes on girls since he was about 8 and still does, but in the last six months he is also having similar feelings about boys.

In the course of the conversation, he said that it's not really a physical thing for him yet -it's more that he likes the look of some faces (girls and boys). It became apparent that he has no idea what is involved in gay sex and he says he's not ready to think about any sex at all yet.

He told me that some boys in his year say they madturbate to porn. He said he hasn't tried either yet and I do believe him. He also said that he thought you had to watch porn to masturbate .

I have done my best to assure him that I'll be there for him no matter what. I also said that he shouldn't rush to label himself as anything at this stage. He said it was true he hadn't had urges to act on his feelings towards boys (or girls) yet and was in fact probably "bi-romantic" or "bi-curious" rather than bisexual . I had to google what bi-romantic means!

I am feeling torn between my suspicion that this is some kind of "phase" or not. I have to admit my head is in a spin with it all and I just don't know what to think. I don't want to project my anxiety into him, so I'm typing it out here instead. Any advice welcome please.

This isn't even just a modern / trendy thing. When I was a teen in the 90s everyone was getting off with each other (same sex and opposite sex). Teenagers are sexually curious! As a previous poster said, almost all of them will end up in a traditional marriage with kids and a boring office job by the time they are in their 30s (I know my friends and I all have)! So just be supportive and don't worry about it, the most important thing is that he knows you love and support him no matter what. You sound like a great parent OP and he a lovely mature boy.

I use to think i was bisexual at 13 when i did do sexual things with another female at 17 it made me realise i was straight i just liked the look of the female body but was not sexually attracted to females.
Not everyone is the same but just telling my story.

Thankyou so much. These perspectives have really helped and I think I was probably overreacting this morning.

You should be proud : you have open relationship with son, he is mature. Sit back. Chill 😀

I agree with the poster who said that the school sounds intense and unhealthy, in your position I'd encourage your son to have friends and interests away from school.

The teachers sound like they over share, why did his teacher tell your son he had given up on relationships ?

"It seems he is just being quite open minded and isn't going to label himself at such an early age. "

??? Calling yourself "bi-romantic" IS "labelling yourself." What else would you call this?

I have folding money that says that most of the kids with the cute identities in the OP's son's peer group will be married (to a member of the opposite sex) with kids or kids on the way by the time they are 30.

I mean, the fact that kids who actually are gay are probably going to have a more comfortable adolescence than a generation ago is actually a wonderful thing, don't get me wrong. I wouldn't take labels like "bi-romantic" terribly seriously, however. The OP's son is probably straight and is getting caught up in the drama of adolescent Tumbr crap ;) I suppose he could be gay, but the fact that he's had romantic feelings towards girls for longer suggests otherwise to me. I would just smile, say "Oh really? That's great!" and think no more about it.

Mary but just because they may be married with kids or kids on the way doesn't mean they're NOT bi-romantic, or bisexual or pansexual. Like, you can't be married to everyone you find romantically or sexually attractive, a bisexual woman in a relationship with a man is still a bisexual woman.

An asexual person in a relationship where they sometimes have sex is still asexual.

A lesbian who ends up in a relationship with a man because she fell in love with him, doesn't have to ID as bisexual or heterosexual. Sexuality is very rarely as clear cut as '100% gay, 100% straight or anything in between is bisexual'.

OP, your son is fine, you are doing fine, maybe don't read his internet history because it will likely lead to him trusting you less than he does at the moment, continue letting him experiment with identity and figure out where he fits into the world. Maybe check out, or direct him to, the sexplanations youtube channel if he wants to learn about sex (it's sex ed, pretty informative).

For a lot of young people, having labels to help them figure out their lives is helpful, but I would imagine for a child growing up into a society that already has these labels it can be just as overwhelming and confusing as growing up into a society that doesn't have any words to describe how you're feeling.

Exactly, loops. I'm a bisexual woman in a straight relationship. Apparently this allows my mother people to refer to my past gay relationships as a 'phase'. To the outside world I would look like one of those silly teens who grew out of it all

I hope to be with current DP forever but if I weren't, I would date and sleep with members of both sexes. I would, however, be disinclined to share details of it wit people who judge, which of course, would make them more convinced they were right about it having been a phase.

Kids will still reset the label when they go to uni and/or start work. Just as the generation before would use the opportunity to image change.

I'm bi and was out to my friends before his age.
He'll work it out. He's not acting on anything and thinking so not doing anything he doesn't feel ready for. He may well be bi, or straight or gay. Teens are a confusing time. So many hormones! Just let him talk if he wants to. Nothing to stress about.
I'm very sad that he thinks you can only masturbate if looking at porn. I'd tackle that. Porn is destructive. He needs to keep away.

Wtf is bi romantic?!

Thank fk someone else said it lol
I'm looking at the thread like "say what?!"

hudson 'romantic' attraction is a term more commonly associated with the asexual community, and forms part of the split attraction model. This is the idea that people have a sexual attraction and a romantic attraction and together they form your 'sexuality'. So, you may be heterosexual but homoromantic, so you are sexually attracted to people of the opposite sex, and romantically attracted to people of the same sex/gender presentation (each to their own in this case).

Sexual attraction is wanting to have sex with people, romantic attraction is wanting to be in a relationship with them. Obvs you can be sexually attracted to people and not want to have sex with them right that minute, I can't explain how sexual attraction feels cause I don't experience it.

Some teens may feel more comfortable saying they are asexual and whatever-romantic because they don't feel ready for sex yet, that's fine, identities can change and saying you're something at 12/13/14 doesn't mean you have to be that forever. I figured out I was asexual (not broken) at 20, it took me 6 years to figure out my romantic attraction.

My main concern for this generation is how they're ever actually going to fit university or work into their busy schedule of endless rounds of naval gazing and spurious self definition via social media. Teenagers are self absorbed, 'twas ever thus, but the current level is something else......they must be exhausted.

I think the school and your son and his peers sound incredibly earnest and Try Hard but then I suppose that's just being a teenager these days.

And what Alconleigh said.

alcon It doesn't really take up much time? Because they say "I'm x" and everyone is just like "cool great, I'm y" and then they get on with their lives, of course if everyone they meet asks endless questions about "what is y, what do you mean you're y, what about in the future, will you always be y, why do you have to keep labelling yourself" that takes up more time and energy.

What is "spurious self definition" do you think these things are made up?

Honestly most kids are more interested in whats 'cool' and trendy, i certainly have doubts that such high percentages of kids are suddenly transgender, pansexual etc in recent years than ever previously. Transgender only became a talked about thing in the last few years and medically is supposed to be genuinely rare, yet every school seems to have several students identifying as such these days.
Dont get me wrong its brilliant that genuine transgender people are having their condition become less taboo and more accepted, as is it great that all sexualities are more accepted, but i genuinely think the labels are being abused and any questioning of it you get accused of being a bigot, homophobic transphobic etc and that youre discriminating.

How many of these kids will still be claiming to be transgender/pansexual etc 5 years from now, and how many are actually just liking the attention/being different etc. I just hope it doesnt all go backwards and harm those who genuinely are trans etc when this "trend" stops being the in thing.

At 14 tho i doubt your sons story that virtually nobody is sexually active, masturbating, or unaware how gay sex works. Unless hes lived under a very conservative rock, half the kids in my class were no longer virgins by 14, everyone discussed their crushes in year 7, and sex ed had already happened. Lots of male bragging about masturbation too. A lot of boys have experimented a lot earlier than 14.