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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is BU about Bridesmaid dress?

238 replies

DovahJunFeyn · 01/08/2017 12:28

So SIL is getting married in November and asked me to be her bridesmaid. So as not to drip feed, SIL doesn't have many friends, none that she would consider close enough to make Bridesmaids so I am her only one. She wanted me to pay for my own dress and accessories that she got to pick, okay fine. My issue came when actually trying the dress on. It was huge on me, literally drowned me and made me look incredibly frumpy so it required altercations. The dress was the only one of its kind (on sale) so we couldn't get it in another size. SIL paid for the general altercations so that it fit me around the bust but still flared out at the bottom and dragged along the floor. I asked SIL if I could pay to get it taken in around my hips so that it fitted better and looked better, she grudgingly agreed. Later that day I get a call from her telling me that me getting the dress altered the way I want is selfish as her wedding has to be a certain style and my dress will then not fit with that style if it's altered and that the day is about herself and her husband not me.

I never implied the day was about me! And now I'm doubting myself because I don't know if I'm being selfish or not. Was I? How in the world do I fix this!

OP posts:

2littlemoos · 01/08/2017 12:31

Style.. what is the style? That you have to look like shit?!

OP, is she worried you"ll out stage her?

cariadlet · 01/08/2017 12:31

She's being ridiculous. You've already paid for the dress and accessories yourself even though she chose them. There's nothing wrong with wanting to wear a dress that will actually fit you.

Maybe she's a bit insecure and worries that you'll look more attractive and stylish than her.

FanSpamTastic · 01/08/2017 12:31

She should pay for the entire outfit if she wants to dictate that you wear something that does not suit you. He who pays the piper calls the tune!

If you have to pay for it yourself then you should be able to adjust it to suit you.

honeysucklejasmine · 01/08/2017 12:31

Depends if taking it in around the hips changes the style of the dress. If for example it was a regency style empire line dress, pulling it in would ruin it. If it's just a few sizes too large then it wouldn't matter.

Either way, it's ok for you to want to look nice in a dress you paid for.

Laiste · 01/08/2017 12:33

I'm going to say the same as i did on the other bridesmaid dress thread running at the mo:

If a bride wants x, y, z then she should pay for it.

This bit:
[she said] getting the dress altered the way I want is selfish as her wedding has to be a certain style and my dress will then not fit with that style if it's altered and that the day is about herself and her husband not me.

Is a bit more confusing. What 'style' will be changed by altering the dress?

MargotLovedTom1 · 01/08/2017 12:34

Warning bells would have been ringing for me right at the start, when she decided you were paying for a dress she gets to pick!

OVienna · 01/08/2017 12:34

Hmm...not many friends, you say?

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 01/08/2017 12:34

In my opinion brides should pay for bridesmaid dresses and accessories as like your SIL said, the day is for the bride not the bridesmaid.
You have already paid for the dress. If I was you I would be telling her that she has 2 options

refund you the dress cost and you accept that it looks shit but is to her specification or
tell her that you are paying for the alterations to make it look better which will in turn make her bridal party look better

MargotLovedTom1 · 01/08/2017 12:34

Can't think why OVienna .

2014newme · 01/08/2017 12:35

Resign

Love tge dress having altercations 😂

Laiste · 01/08/2017 12:35

I'm picturing everyone in sweeping togas, ancient Greek style, and OP in her white fitted version

(sorry OP)

kel1234 · 01/08/2017 12:37

She sounds a bit selfish to me.
One the bride should pay for the dress, and two, the bride should want her bridesmaid to look beautiful too. After all, you will presumably be in photos as well. How will they look if your dress isn't fitting right?
(I really do not get brides who don't think it matters if their bridesmaids dresses don't fit right or suit them. When I got married I told my only bridesmaid what I was thinking of in terms of style and colour, but said that if she didn't like it or it didn't suit, that we could easily go with something else. In short I said it was whatever she felt most comfortable in. I was never going to be a bride who dictated to my bridesmaid)

Original poster

DovahJunFeyn · 01/08/2017 12:39

I don't think it could be about outstaging because she's far more attractive than me and much skinnier. The dress is strapless with a diamond broach at the side of it, the pattern follows the broach along the side but to me has no particular 'style' as it just goes straight down. The fact that it's two or three sizes too big doesn't help but the way I wanted it altered at the hip would have matched the position of the broach but would have made it look better fitted.

OP posts:

troodiedoo · 01/08/2017 12:39

If she picks the dress, she should pay.

If you pick the dress, she should pay if she can afford it, or go halves. You looking and feeling uncomfortable is not going to make her look better.

Do what you can to make the dress fit well.

Try and recoup your losses in buffet food.

The dress should fit you properly whoever says for it.

troodiedoo · 01/08/2017 12:41

Those sentences are all in the wrong order, sorry about that!

CabernetSauvignyoni · 01/08/2017 12:41

So she wants you to pay for the privilege of looking shit on her special day?

If she doesn't want the alterations then she can refund you the cost of your dress. Why on earth should you be out of pocket?

It sounds like it would be much, much easier to be a general guest at this one...

Thesingingtoad · 01/08/2017 12:43

Ask if SiL can hire a fat suit and a pair of platforms so you can wear the dress she chose.

viques · 01/08/2017 12:43

Get it altered to fit you, don't tell her, she won't even notice on the day and if she does deny deny deny!

Laiste · 01/08/2017 12:46

OK so the 'it won't go with the 'style' of the day' is a load of rubbish?

Why is she being so tight?

I think if i were you i'd tell her straight (but gently) that you can't wear the dress as it is and so won't wear it. Say you'll wear one of your own. That might prompt her to do the right thing and get it altered for you.

schoolgaterebel · 01/08/2017 12:47

No wonder she doesn't have many friends she sounds very self serving.

Bigbiscuits · 01/08/2017 12:47

Why did you need to tell her about the alteration - get it done and don't tell her. She won't even notice

But fundamentally, I just don't get this adult bridesmaid fashion. What is the purpose of a bridesmaid apart to wear the worst dress at the party?

Original poster

DovahJunFeyn · 01/08/2017 12:51

This is the closest thing I could find to the dress without actually posting it, except it would be darker purple and a silk material. So around the bust it was falling off of me, the hips were an issue simply because of the design. Because of it being too big the broach and pattern went straight down instead of to the side which looked horrible.

The reason I asked if I could pay to get it taken in at the hips was because I genuinely didn't think it would have been an issue. Getting it taken in I'd say you'd notice just because it's that big on me now.

OP posts:

MollyCule · 01/08/2017 12:52

YANBU. I can't believe that you paid for a dress that is way too big, that she chose! So unless your alterations were to make it ass-less or something, she's BU.

GoodyOddShoes · 01/08/2017 12:54

Try and recoup your losses in buffet food

schoolgaterebel · 01/08/2017 12:54

Just say 'I'm really sorry, you've asked me to spend £X on a dress that doesn't fit me and now you are refusing to pay for it to be altered. I cannot wear a dress that looks shapeless and oversized and is too long for me. I will be having the dress altered myself so that it fits correctly or I will be wearing one of my own dresses. I don't think this is an unreasonable request.'

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