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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is BU about Bridesmaid dress?

238 replies

DovahJunFeyn · 01/08/2017 12:28

So SIL is getting married in November and asked me to be her bridesmaid. So as not to drip feed, SIL doesn't have many friends, none that she would consider close enough to make Bridesmaids so I am her only one. She wanted me to pay for my own dress and accessories that she got to pick, okay fine. My issue came when actually trying the dress on. It was huge on me, literally drowned me and made me look incredibly frumpy so it required altercations. The dress was the only one of its kind (on sale) so we couldn't get it in another size. SIL paid for the general altercations so that it fit me around the bust but still flared out at the bottom and dragged along the floor. I asked SIL if I could pay to get it taken in around my hips so that it fitted better and looked better, she grudgingly agreed. Later that day I get a call from her telling me that me getting the dress altered the way I want is selfish as her wedding has to be a certain style and my dress will then not fit with that style if it's altered and that the day is about herself and her husband not me.

I never implied the day was about me! And now I'm doubting myself because I don't know if I'm being selfish or not. Was I? How in the world do I fix this!

OP posts:

Cuppaoftea · 01/08/2017 18:10

I wouldn't step down for your twin Brother's sake.

Don't leave it for her to think about, send one more text/email telling her you've arranged to have the dress altered to the correct size and length and you'll be paying for all alterations. I'd also say you'll wear your own shoes and accessories and do your own hair and makeup (to save money of course).

On the day if she tries to make a big thing of it with guests just repeat 'Oh yes I had it altered as it was a little long but was very happy to do so as SIL picked out such a lovely dress', plaster on a smile and change the subject.

dowhatyouwish · 01/08/2017 18:12

Don't do it OP. I reckon she is jealous that you'll look great in the dress. I would tell her I don't want to do anymore and see how flexible she is about the alternations after you say that!

Floggingmolly · 01/08/2017 18:14

Oh fgs . Alter the dress to fit, and if she refuses to allow you to perform your bridesmaid's "duties" on the day; mingle with the rest of the rest of the wedding party with a sigh of relief and a glass of champagne.
The daft mare is hardly going to kick off at her own wedding because you show up in dress that fits, surely? She won't want to take that idiocy to the public arena. And if she does; who the hell cares??

Donttouchthethings · 01/08/2017 18:22

I think I would get it altered whatever as you've paid for it and there's no point having a dress which doesn't fit.

If she kicks off, take it from there.

ShellyBoobs · 01/08/2017 18:27

I'd be more concerned that my DB is about to marry such a complete fucking lunatic difficult person, but I'd have no hesitation in telling her you won't be her BM.

She's treated you terribly so far and clearly doesn't care about how you feel so why should you care about her?

Seriously, have a long chat with your DB. Poor man.

Original poster

DovahJunFeyn · 01/08/2017 18:39

The majority of the things I've taken from her have been for my brother and I'm worried about it blowing up on him as well. I've thought about getting the dress fitted and altered to wear to the wedding but I'm thinking that it might cause more of a shit storm as it'll been seen as a 'fuck you' to her.

OP posts:

Original poster

DovahJunFeyn · 01/08/2017 18:40

I've been speaking to my brother all day though and he thought it best to leave her to cool off. She's pissed at him for taking my side in all this too apparently.

OP posts:

FlyingElbows · 01/08/2017 18:53

Her behaviour is bonkers but her point is right. As a pp has already said altering a dress to that extent will change the original shape. The only way to avoid that would be to take it apart and re-cut the whole thing. It's one thing making tweak adjustments to a dress and quite another to completely re-size it. As it's way too big for you all the important markers for when the pattern is designed are all in the wrong place. It'd need surgery to fit and you'd be better offwith a pre-manufactured dress in the right size rather than poor Frankendress!

However she is completely unreasonable in her attitude and if I was you I'd resign.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 01/08/2017 18:56

You could get it altered and wear it and if questions are asked say 'yes i put on 2 stone and now it fits really well. It's so slimming as well'

WooWooSister · 01/08/2017 19:04

I still don't understand is why you didn't get all the alterations done at the same time. I don't know any decent dressmaker who would alter a dress so only half of it fitted.

Hissy · 01/08/2017 19:07

Your brother is a big boy

He can see what he's getting and actually if it does blow up and he (hopefully) tells her to ftfo, you'll have done him (and your entire family) a massive favour.

Step down, and fuck her and her kicking off.

Her own sister knows what she's like, you think she doesn't know what she's doing?

Original poster

DovahJunFeyn · 01/08/2017 19:14

Woo, SIL told our seamstress that she didn't want the hips or such altered because she liked the shaped as is.

OP posts:

Toyboysrus · 01/08/2017 19:14

I'm probably a bitch but I would wear the dress as it is and on the day be fidgeting faffing and fiddling with it constantly whilst muttering loudly how you wish you had been allowed to alter it!

Engol · 01/08/2017 19:25

Do you have the dress in your possession, if so get it altered then tell her and let her decide what she's going to do.

AWaspOnAWindowInAHeatwave · 01/08/2017 19:27

You paid for the dress. Therefore it's YOUR dress to do what you want with. Tell her you're having it altered. She might say she doesn't want you to be bridesmaid anymore. Is she getting married in a church? In which case you could turn up to the ceremony in the dress anyway.

elevenclips · 01/08/2017 19:30

I'd wear the dress as it is. You can tell your own family that she wouldn't allow it to be altered to fit you. Don't trip over it, lift it up. Sounds like your brother is in for a fucking miserable life.

AlexanderHamilton · 01/08/2017 19:34

As a short-arse size 12 there is no way I'd buy a dress 2/3 sizes too big. I'd manage with a 14 for cost reasons but a 16/18 would be laughable so I get exactly where you are coming from.

I'd bow out & stick the dress on eBay.

TheFaerieQueene · 01/08/2017 19:47

I wonder if your brother will go ahead with this wedding?

ItsNachoCheese · 01/08/2017 19:48

You paid for the bloody dress she has no say over it since she didnt pay for it!

Original poster

DovahJunFeyn · 01/08/2017 19:57

Yes she's getting married in a church. Dress is currently in the seamstresses to get the bust and alterations sorted. Though she's determined that if I get it altered I'm not to show up in it.

OP posts:

Floggingmolly · 01/08/2017 20:14

Why are you and your brother tip toeing round her when she comes out with this frankly quite insane nonsense?
Has nobody told her to cop herself on?? Isn't your brother concerned about her mental health? Or even more concerned that this is actually normal behaviour for her?!
I honestly can't imagine being allowed to carry on like that without being quite robustly put in my place (and rightly so)

peachgreen · 01/08/2017 20:18

People on Mumsnet have some funny ideas about wedding etiquette and usually I don't agree (can't get worked up about gift lists or requests for cash, for example) but I think making your bridesmaids buy their own dresses is the HEIGHT of rudeness. If you can't afford their dresses, you can't afford bridesmaids!

I let my MOH, bridesmaid and flower girl choose their own outfits - none of which had to match - AND I paid for them. Wouldn't have dreamed of doing anything else.

Hope you get it sorted OP. She doesn't sound much of a friend.

CrochetBelle · 01/08/2017 20:23

The wedding is in 3 1/2 months? Why has the hen do already passed? Was it a Xmas theme?

Floggingmolly · 01/08/2017 20:31

She's already had her hen night?

Original poster

DovahJunFeyn · 01/08/2017 20:35

Crotch, she originally planned the wedding for late september but changed it because of money issues.

I don't think there's any MH here. Just her used to getting what she wants when she wants.

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