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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU about Bridesmaid dress?

238 replies

DovahJunFeyn · 01/08/2017 12:28

So SIL is getting married in November and asked me to be her bridesmaid. So as not to drip feed, SIL doesn't have many friends, none that she would consider close enough to make Bridesmaids so I am her only one. She wanted me to pay for my own dress and accessories that she got to pick, okay fine. My issue came when actually trying the dress on. It was huge on me, literally drowned me and made me look incredibly frumpy so it required altercations. The dress was the only one of its kind (on sale) so we couldn't get it in another size. SIL paid for the general altercations so that it fit me around the bust but still flared out at the bottom and dragged along the floor. I asked SIL if I could pay to get it taken in around my hips so that it fitted better and looked better, she grudgingly agreed. Later that day I get a call from her telling me that me getting the dress altered the way I want is selfish as her wedding has to be a certain style and my dress will then not fit with that style if it's altered and that the day is about herself and her husband not me.

I never implied the day was about me! And now I'm doubting myself because I don't know if I'm being selfish or not. Confused Was I? How in the world do I fix this!

OP posts:
HoobleDooble · 01/08/2017 12:55

A lot of altercations about some alterations!

Hissy · 01/08/2017 12:57

I don't think it could be about outstaging because she's far more attractive than me and much skinnier.

and THAT is the way she wants it to stay....

Get the dress altered to fit you FFS.

Now we all know why she has no close friends!!!

Original poster
DovahJunFeyn · 01/08/2017 12:58

Hooble, I like that. Grin

OP posts:
mrscropley · 01/08/2017 13:00

Resign from your post op. . Your body shape just instead her style.

And altercations was def correct. . .

Hissy · 01/08/2017 13:01

Later that day I get a call from her telling me that me getting the dress altered the way I want is selfish as her wedding has to be a certain style and my dress will then not fit with that style if it's altered and that the day is about herself and her husband not me.

I'm stunned she found anyone to put up with her! or is he THAT shallow.

Tell your sister that like it or not, you will be getting the dress altered to fit you and actually if YOU look shit, it WILL reflect badly on her narcissistic self

Or... she can find someone else to look shit enough to stand next to her at her 'big day'

Oh this wedding has Bridezilla written all over it!!

Sundaylunchhappy · 01/08/2017 13:01

I was a very specific bride, six bridesmaids plus tinies etc etc. My amazing friends happily heaved themselves into all sort of hilarious contraptions to fit in with the theme of our day. I regularly checked they were okay with my choices.

The only thing I didn't pay for were the knickers they wore.

If someone wanted me to spend my cash on something they dictated I had to wear and didn't even both to ensure I felt happy in it i'd be demoting myself faster than you can say bouquet!

For you op Flowers hope you at least like those!

MrTrebus · 01/08/2017 13:05

Err i think you've been very accomodating. I would have pulled out of being a bridesmaid (especially the only bridesmaid) as soon as she said I'm choosing the dress and accessories but you're paying.... er no thanks luv!!! She only has 1 bridesmaid, she could have got a dress that actually fits FFS!

IHateUncleJamie · 01/08/2017 13:06

I love "altercations" Grin

How do you think she'd react if you followed pps v good advice and said "Your choice, either you pay to have the dress altered, or I wear a dress I've already got that ACTUALLY FITS ME."

ageofaquarium · 01/08/2017 13:06

I had something similar when a friend got married. V slim fit bride, slightly neurotic.

She bought my bridesmaid's dresses two sizes too big as it was the only one left and apparently pink bridesmaids dresses are hard to find so it had to be that one. It looked ridiculous. I had to convince her to let me take it up so that I wouldn't fall over it! She initially refused! She wouldn't let me alter the bust or bring in the waist so that it didn't swamp me. Was genuinely worried the top would slide down. I went with it as it was her day and I was trying to be supportive and not cause any stress etc etc but I can't help feeling that:
A) she wanted control
B) despite being slim and beautiful, she didn't want me to look ~too~ nice stood next to her.

She was also pretty rude to me all day on the actual wedding. We're not so close these days...

I don't think there's anything you can do. It's her day, let her have what she wants.

Original poster
DovahJunFeyn · 01/08/2017 13:07

Thank you, Sunday.

An outside perspective is refreshing for me in this case as it's helped quite a lot ! I've sent her a message saying that I'm most defiantly not trying to upstage her or make her day about me. That I felt a bit shit in a dress that didn't fit and just wanted it to look 'right' on me and I don't think that's unreasonable. Smile

OP posts:
Ceto · 01/08/2017 13:08

If you're the only bridesmaid, I don't see how getting it altered to fit you will conceivably conflict with the style of the wedding - unless the wedding theme is frumpy. It's your dress, you do what you want with it. I suggest you just get on with the alterations without any more discussions, the bride may well not even notice.

IHateUncleJamie · 01/08/2017 13:08

ageofaquarium by that logic though, the bridezilla should be paying for the dress, not the OP

Original poster
DovahJunFeyn · 01/08/2017 13:12

I think getting it altered and hoping she doesn't notice is sneaky and now that she knows I'm not happy with it she'll be on high alert. The reason she didn't pick a dress that fitted is because the wedding is low budget, my dress was on sale so that a snatch for her. I didn't mind paying to alter the dress because I wanted it to fit. I would have been tripping down the aisle otherwise.

OP posts:
ShellyBoobs · 01/08/2017 13:12

I would honestly tell her to find someone else.

Telling you the day is about her and her husband to be, not you! Shock

I thought weddings were about inviting friends and family to celebrate with you, not for the sole benefit of the bride and groom?

They're supposed to be grateful to the guests for attending, not treating them like shit.

I wouldn't be able to put up with her, I really wouldn't.

Bluntness100 · 01/08/2017 13:15

I'd agree, how can it not fit into the style of the wedding if you're the only bridesmaid? Has rhe bride also got an oversized dress and the groom and best man wearing suits too big for them? So the theme is clothes that don't fit?

Don't matter what you think she looks like, she's worried you will look nicer than her so wants to make you look shit in comparison.

I'd call her up and say, "ok let's discuss this, it's too big, it needs to get sorted or it's going to over shadow your wedding day with folks asking why the dress doesn't fit and them all talking about it and looking at me not you" that will worry her enough to think twice.

Bluntness100 · 01/08/2017 13:16

I suspect you now know too why she doesn't have any close female friends.

livefornaps · 01/08/2017 13:17

This all sounds a bit miserable, to be honest.

Picking the dress etc. should be fun! And she should be the one paying for the dress! -clearly no one likes her enough to have ever asked her to be a bridesmaid otherwise she would know this already

By the way, are you going to be the poor sod trying to round up a few "friends" of hers to throw a hen do?

How about hair and makeup? Will she be professionally primped and preened while you rootle around your own make up bag looking for your mascara?

Floggingmolly · 01/08/2017 13:17

She wanted me to pay for my own dress and accessories THAT SHE GOT TO PICK, ok fine
No, not fine at all, actually. Paying for your own means you pick something you are happy with, if she doesn't want to give you that choice she covers the cost herself.
There's no logical reason to force someone to wear a dress far too big for them; it's so bizarre I would have told her you were stepping down.
There's probably a very good reason she doesn't have anyone else close enough to ask, she sounds like a nightmare.

RandomMess · 01/08/2017 13:19

I would just get it altered and not tell her, yes she'll notice but it's going to be ridiculous if you don't!!

MoveOnTheCards · 01/08/2017 13:20

The reason she didn't pick a dress that fitted is because the wedding is low budget, my dress was on sale so that a snatch for her.

But you paid for it?

I agree with pps that you offer the choice of a properly-fitting dress (alterations) or a properly-fitting dress (e.g. One of your own). Or she can reimburse you for the badly-fitting dress you'll never wear again.

Good luck!

RhubardGin · 01/08/2017 13:20

I think I know why she doesn't have any close friends, she sounds like a nightmare!

You paid for the dress, get it altered if you want Smile

Original poster
DovahJunFeyn · 01/08/2017 13:25

At the hen party there was me, her mum, her sister and her aunt and we paid for the trips and drinks as expected. I do think it has a lot to do with the budget though. The wedding is going to be low-key, everything is on a budget. Someone her mum knows would be doing hair and makeup, the groom and best man have hired suits, she took out a loan for her dresss etc. It's why I didn't complain because I know what she's worried about. But logically I can't wear a dress that's too big for me even with it being altered it's still far too long.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 01/08/2017 13:25

It doesn't make any sense at all that you're accepting her explanation that the dress was a "snatch" because it was on sale, which fitted in with her low budget; but not grasping that this is irrelevant when you are footing the bill?
Are you a bit confused, op? Or a bit thick? Sorry, but the whole thing is ridiculous.

WooWooSister · 01/08/2017 13:26

Maybe she was worried you were going to alter it so much that it would end up like a fishtail (tight at the hips and then flaring out to its original width) rather than a column Grin

Original poster
DovahJunFeyn · 01/08/2017 13:30

No, Molly. I'm certainly not thick. Hmm I realise it doesn't affect her as I've paid for the dress but further alterations are going to cost her money as she's refused the notion that I pay for them and she doesn't want to as she feels it will ruin the dress.

OP posts: