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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU about Bridesmaid dress?

238 replies

DovahJunFeyn · 01/08/2017 12:28

So SIL is getting married in November and asked me to be her bridesmaid. So as not to drip feed, SIL doesn't have many friends, none that she would consider close enough to make Bridesmaids so I am her only one. She wanted me to pay for my own dress and accessories that she got to pick, okay fine. My issue came when actually trying the dress on. It was huge on me, literally drowned me and made me look incredibly frumpy so it required altercations. The dress was the only one of its kind (on sale) so we couldn't get it in another size. SIL paid for the general altercations so that it fit me around the bust but still flared out at the bottom and dragged along the floor. I asked SIL if I could pay to get it taken in around my hips so that it fitted better and looked better, she grudgingly agreed. Later that day I get a call from her telling me that me getting the dress altered the way I want is selfish as her wedding has to be a certain style and my dress will then not fit with that style if it's altered and that the day is about herself and her husband not me.

I never implied the day was about me! And now I'm doubting myself because I don't know if I'm being selfish or not. Confused Was I? How in the world do I fix this!

OP posts:
RidingWindhorses · 01/08/2017 13:34

I'm a bit Hmm at brides who buy bridesmaids dresses without them having been tried on.

My sister got two bargain bridesmaids dresses from Monsoon half price, but her friends tried them on first. If you have to keep altering them it cancels out the money saved.

I would have drawn the line at paying for it myself personally. Unless it was something I could wear again.

Salmotrutta · 01/08/2017 13:34

Hang on, I'm confused!

Did you buy the dress OP?

Or did she?

Salmotrutta · 01/08/2017 13:36

Ok, right x-post.

Just get it altered to suit you - and if she notices just act like you don't know what she's talking about.

Laiste · 01/08/2017 13:42

she didn't pick a dress that fitted is because the wedding is low budget, my dress was on sale so that a snatch for her.

So she paid for it?

NotMyPenguin · 01/08/2017 13:47

"I'm happy to wear a dress that's in a style you want, SIL, but I'm not happy to pay for a dress that doesn't fit me."

Original poster
DovahJunFeyn · 01/08/2017 13:47

No, Laiste. I paid for it. I meant it was a snatch in terms of the wedding being low budget.

OP posts:
Laiste · 01/08/2017 13:48

Ah right :) Sorry. You've done the right thing OP. We'll see what she says!

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/08/2017 13:52

So she forced you to buy a dress that is too big for you and you're the only bm. Already that's crazy. The dress, which you posted is a fitted number and it's hardly difficult to find one similar to this at a decent price in your size. As is, you're have the chosen dress altered at her expense and still don't look good. Regardless of who pays for the alternations (I've left the autocorrect on purpose btw), the dress should fit you properly. It's a fitted number so you it needs to, well, fit. Good on you not surprised she doesn't have many friends

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/08/2017 13:53

Oh crikey I've just reread my grammar, going for a lie down!

Original poster
DovahJunFeyn · 01/08/2017 13:56

So my next question here is, if we can't come to an agreement and I step down from being her BM will I be a bitch? Because essentially that's leaving her with no one as her sister refused the role in the first place as maid of honour. 😪

OP posts:
Hissy · 01/08/2017 13:57

hmmm I wonder WHY?

Badweekjustgotworse · 01/08/2017 13:58

She's being unreasonable, although I can understand that she may be panicking about mounting alteration costs if she's on a tight budget. I don't understand why she made you buy the sale dress though if you were paying for it, surely you could have bought a slightly different dress in the right size for a little more and she wouldn't have Had to pay for any alterations, all seems a bit arse about face to me.

You might just have to suck it up for the sake of family harmony op. You're stuck with the dress now as it's been altered already Confused

OVienna · 01/08/2017 14:00

I think you need to tell her that you fear it would reflect badly on YOU to turn up in a dress that clearly doesn't fit. Everyone will be looking at you and wondering what you could have been thinking and why didn't you bother to try to make an effort. If it's too long it's got to be taken up, end of story. Does the store think it fits?!

OVienna · 01/08/2017 14:03

I know there's the bit around the hips but I would just say you've taken it to the tailor for the length alterations and it's too oversized all around and that you need to wear a dress that is appropriate for your size or it's not a goer.

wellhonestly · 01/08/2017 14:03

Dovah - it's not being a bitch if you give her fair warning and the chance to change her mind.

If she pushes it to the limit and you do "resign", you will have to face people who have been given her "interpretation" of the facts and you can be very matter-of-fact and regretful and just have a very short factual statement to trot out. Also be prepared not to have a cordial relationship with her for the foreseeable future no loss there

LizB62A · 01/08/2017 14:03

This is how it seems to be in the US. The bride picks the bridemaid's dress(es) that the bridesmaids have to pay for.

If you pay for it. you get to say what happens.
No wonder she doesn't have many friends.
If it was me, I'd tell her now - either the dress is taken it so it's not falling off you, or you're not going to be her bridesmaid

wellhonestly · 01/08/2017 14:06

PS I also agree with posters who say just get it altered to fit you (without changing the style e.g. from column to mermaid). You paid for the dress and it's your call.

If she queries it on the day just say yes, it fits much better now doesn't it?

livefornaps · 01/08/2017 14:06

Why did her sister refuse the role?

Thesingingtoad · 01/08/2017 14:07

...she is going to be one of those SILS!

Put your foot down now and get it altered to suit you.

Hissy · 01/08/2017 14:08

You might just have to suck it up for the sake of family harmony op

Family... its SIL, even her own sister refused the gig! Grin

OP, get the dress fitted properly and leave it at that, you don't have to be BM if you don't want to be, heck you don't even have to go if you don't want to.

ZippyCameBack · 01/08/2017 14:12

If you point out that the dress being too long is likely to end in you tripping and falling on the way down the aisle, she might be more prepared to consider it. The "style" of her wedding would definitely not be improved by her one and only bridesmaid crushing Auntie Mary and having to be taken to A&E with a broken ankle.
I wouldn't mention the hips, I'd just get it done (assuming you aren't able to just do it yourself).

Original poster
DovahJunFeyn · 01/08/2017 14:13

I never questioned why her sister refused simply because they don't have a close relationship normally. Now me thinks there's a lot more to it..

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 01/08/2017 14:14

Can you not point out that, if it doesn't fit, it's going to look really weird in all the photographs, and does she want that to be the 'take home' message of her day - cheap means crappy?

Surely 'low budget but classy' would be something she'd aim for? And, why would you shell out for a dress that you can NEVER wear again? Or, by the sound of it, even once?

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 01/08/2017 14:15

She has no reason to see you again in the dress until the wedding day, so just get it altered as minimally as possible so that you don't trip on the way up the aisle or have a wardrobe malfunction that flashes your norks to the whole congregation. On the day itself she will be preoccupied by a million other things.

It will either be fine, or it won't and there will be bad feeling. But most of the other options will result in bad feeling anyway, so ninja alteration is probably your best bet.

Lostbeyondwords · 01/08/2017 14:16

OP youve told her your reasons nicely, I'd be inclined to tell her as it will look so crap it will look like she decided her bridesmaid should have a bad fitting dress and it will draw far more attention that way...then alter it.

Honestly, what is wrong with brides sometimes? I had an idea of colour and vague dress type for my bridesmaids but gave them choices, let them pick their own (which ended up being different to each others), paid for their choice of dress and shoes myself, and they got to keep them! I just wanted everyone to look good and comfortable and have a good day. I cannot understand how some people act like this...especially when they're not paying for it.