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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is BU about Bridesmaid dress?

238 replies

DovahJunFeyn · 01/08/2017 12:28

So SIL is getting married in November and asked me to be her bridesmaid. So as not to drip feed, SIL doesn't have many friends, none that she would consider close enough to make Bridesmaids so I am her only one. She wanted me to pay for my own dress and accessories that she got to pick, okay fine. My issue came when actually trying the dress on. It was huge on me, literally drowned me and made me look incredibly frumpy so it required altercations. The dress was the only one of its kind (on sale) so we couldn't get it in another size. SIL paid for the general altercations so that it fit me around the bust but still flared out at the bottom and dragged along the floor. I asked SIL if I could pay to get it taken in around my hips so that it fitted better and looked better, she grudgingly agreed. Later that day I get a call from her telling me that me getting the dress altered the way I want is selfish as her wedding has to be a certain style and my dress will then not fit with that style if it's altered and that the day is about herself and her husband not me.

I never implied the day was about me! And now I'm doubting myself because I don't know if I'm being selfish or not. Was I? How in the world do I fix this!

OP posts:

Theweasleytwins · 01/08/2017 17:21

At my wedding I only had my sisters as bridesmaids, they are both taller, slimmer and prettier than me. They were both allowed to wear fitted dresses. I'm generally quite laid back though? Also I was 23 weeks pregnant

Floggingmolly · 01/08/2017 17:22

You need to ask yourself why she's so determined to make you look like an absolute clown at the wedding, op.
It defies logic that making a dress two sizes smaller alters anything at all about the style. Go and take a look at the racks in any boutique.
They all seem to manage to make a range of sizes look identical in every detail except size...

Supermagicsmile · 01/08/2017 17:25

She sounds a nightmare. Tell her if you can't have it altered then you'll have to step down as bridesmaid!

GerdaLovesLili · 01/08/2017 17:34

Walk away. Tell her to find someone that the dress will fit or flog it on ebay.

Original poster

DovahJunFeyn · 01/08/2017 17:34

I'm genuinely not trying to 'dig my heels in' though ! The dress was bought at least 2 or 3 sizes too big so it had to be altered around the bust or I'd be flashing. Around the hips it's like a tent and drags so I literally would be a walking circus. I've offered to pay for the alterations I want and she's still not happy about it. I'm not pressuring my brother into anything. He's a big boy capable of making his own conclusions. I've asked her to think it over because without the alterations I'm going to look like a complete lemon in the photos and probably end up killing myself by falling that many times with it.

OP posts:

Original poster

DovahJunFeyn · 01/08/2017 17:36

Molly, I've told her this! I thought we had a prettt good relationship. I don't want to turn it into a mermaid dress or anything of the like. All I wanted was it to fit around the hips.

OP posts:

Hissy · 01/08/2017 17:40

If you like the dress, get it altered.

If not, get another one and resign as bm

The message to her is "id not miss my dtb wedding for anything, but I'm afraid being bm at your wedding is not something I'm able to do under your stipulations. I'll be a happily disengaged guest instead, all the best"

Notonthestairs · 01/08/2017 17:41

As bridesmaid you'll be carrying stuff - her flowers for a bit at the very least - and you might need to do a bit of fluffing of her dress before she goes down the aisle etc - basically you'll have your hands full intermittently. You really won't want to have to worry about your dress slipping or falling over in it. It's a practical issue.
Dig your heels in.

EggysMom · 01/08/2017 17:42

Could you alter it, but tell her that "Wow, you'll never believe, I managed to find the exact same dress on eBay in a size that fitted me so I bought that instead"

Then she cannot accuse you of changing the style ...

Sneaky, moi?

Original poster

DovahJunFeyn · 01/08/2017 17:44

Hissy, she doesn't see the dress as 'mine' even though I bought it. She sees it as hers because it was both specifically for her wedding. Therefore she gets to dictate what's done with it and what's not. Well, that's how she explained it.

I've told her numerous times I'll fall but she thinks I'm coming up with any excuse to 'get my own way'.

OP posts:

Hissy · 01/08/2017 17:48

You're not going to win here

What do you HONESTLY want to do?

Coloursthatweremyjoy · 01/08/2017 17:50

I'd tell her that this isn't working. That you can't wear a dress that doesn't fit, you'll be standing on it and pulling it around the whole time. Tell her it's ridiculous.

I'd walk...quite frankly I think you've put up with enough. Dress aside she has been downright rude to you. Don't put up with that.

(she thinks you wont walk by the way...I predict a massive backtrack in 5 4 3...)

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 01/08/2017 17:54

Why would you agree to pay for the dress in the first place?

I'm constantly amazed on MN by the posters who let people walk all over them, and don't have much sympathy.

MoveOnTheCards · 01/08/2017 17:54

I would politely decline the role of BM as the dress she wants you to wear simply doesn't fit and she's not giving you any options to either fix that or wear something else.

Then, as you paid for the dress OP presumably you have it at your place, so just get it altered to fit you. Then at least you can wear it to something else.

dowhatyouwish · 01/08/2017 17:54

She should buy the dress and anything to do with the damn dress. Sounds like she is very fortunate that you are even get bridesmaid. She is being unreasonable.

Original poster

DovahJunFeyn · 01/08/2017 17:58

Honestly I want to step down as BM, if I did it now it would give her 3 and a half months. I wouldn't miss my DB's wedding for anything but I don't want to be made an idiot out with the dress. I'm worried he'll get stick about it from SIL though and I would feel bad if she didn't get another BM...

OP posts:

livefornaps · 01/08/2017 17:59

Oh, sweetheart. I feel for you. You're just truing to do the right thing. But this isn't working. Tell her that unfortunately you need a dress that fits and that you would not want your day spoiled by worrying about falling over or falling out. So for that reason you are regretfully going to have to step down as bm.

Piewraith · 01/08/2017 17:59

Ceto

unless the wedding theme is frumpy

LazyDailyMailJournos · 01/08/2017 18:00

I'd tell your brother that you're stepping down and let him deal with it.

RandomMess · 01/08/2017 18:01

I would say you think it's best under the circumstances to just be a guest as you don't feel safe in a dress that's too long and it would be silly to fall out over it.

Totally agree with altering it and wearing it regardless!

mrscropley · 01/08/2017 18:01

As above. .

livefornaps · 01/08/2017 18:03

I think you've given her ample opportunity to be reasonable and she_'s refusing to budge.

Say that the very fact you bought the dress yourself & were willing to pay for alterations showed you were (literally) invested in the role. Sadly her refusal to let you wear something that fit properly has left you no choice but to step down, and that it only comes down to that. Wish her luck with finding another bridesmaid (suckeeeeeer)

Coloursthatweremyjoy · 01/08/2017 18:04

Nobody else worried about her not finding anyone else to be a bridesmaid! Including her own sister!

You don't have to be mean about it, just tell her it isn't working and you are standing down. She will be very upset but she might also work out that you don't get to treat people badly.

I was a Bridesmaid for a (Now ex) friend. She was a cow to me, in a lot of ways...I regret that I let her do it. It made eventually standing up to her and cutting her off a lot harder.

rollonthesummer · 01/08/2017 18:05

It makes no sense for her to force you into a sale dress that is 3 sizes too big to save money when YOU are paying? I wouldn't have paid for it at the time or let it go along this far.

Now you have though, I guess you need to text her and say. 'Sorry, tight-unreasonable-SIL, I can't wear a dress that is 3 sizes too big for me for your wedding, so will not be able to be your bridesmaid any more'

Donttouchthethings · 01/08/2017 18:09

Could you ask her why she's so intent (get it?) on you wearing a dress which is 2/3 sizes too big for you?

I don't mean this to sound like a joke but am thinking that a simple, direct question might get to the heart of the matter.

OTOH, she sounds very difficult. Try to stay calm and think long-term.

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