Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10

Original poster

WIBU? Not giving up train seat for a child?

231 replies

FlyingFox95 · 31/07/2017 23:35

Hiya

Just looking for a tiny bit of perspective into whether I am a horrible person or not.

I went home sick from work today because I had a really painful UTI. Without going into too much detail it was so bad that I needed to be sitting down because if I wasn't I had that unbearable itch which most of you will relate to.... I have recently miscarried too so was feeling more anxious than normal about the pain. Anyway it was particularly bad so I was struggling on my way to the doctors app I could book to get it sorted. Let's be honest, they suck.

The train I was on was quite busy, no spare seats and I was sitting beside someone on the aisle seat at the end of the carriage beside the bit where the trains join up (?). A woman sits at the free seat across the aisle from me and asks if I could move to let her DD sit down (older, around 10ish i'd say) sit down. I was already in a lot of pain and feeling like shit so i said no and apologised. I didn't explain in much detail to be fair as I didn't want the whole carriage to hear about my gynecological issues.

Anyway the woman was less than impressed and glared at me for the rest of the journey. I was surprised she didn't ask anyone else in the surrounding seats. They were only on for one stop strangely enough so her DD stood beside her in the aisle without needing to move away from her at any point.

Aibu? Should I have had to move or is it as weird as i thought it was?

OP posts:

gingergenius · 01/08/2017 09:35

@SophieGiroux they were probably all glued to the 'garden-gate/CFN thread on mumnsnet' 😂
No OP you were not being U. I hope your UTI is on the mend? Fellow sufferer here so I feel your pain x

toastandbutterandjam · 01/08/2017 09:35

OP - I was on the bus a few years back now, sitting, on crutches as I had a fractured knee. It was agony, so I was sitting in a priority seat. It was raining and a woman got on with her daughter (they were both wet), her daughter was holding a doll. Bus was full.

Mum sat down, turned to me and said 'come on now, shift it. There's a child. Don't be so ill mannered' - I told her there was no need to be rude and that I had a fractured knee, so I couldn't stand, so she replied 'Well, my daughters holding a doll, so she takes priority i'm afraid'

Eventually, two people got off, so her daughter sat and her mum told her to put her doll in the seat next to her. Elderly man gets on, asks the little girl if he could sit where her doll is, to which the mother turned and said 'Not really, no. That's my child's doll and she wants her to sit. My child's been stood long enough due to peoples poor manners' I got off the next stop, so the man had my seat.

I stand for anyone who asks/needs a seat when i'm able too, but if I can't, then I wont. I suffered terribly with UTI's and yes, they're agony. I can't stand for long with them myself - You weren't unreasonable. You have my sympathies. I hope you're feeling better soon

AlmostAJillSandwich · 01/08/2017 09:43

As someone who has a current uti just 4 days after shifting the last one that took several rounds of antibiotics and made me almost wet myself in tbe street i sympathise with you. Also my deepest sympathies for your loss.

But just putting it out there that there are a lot of hidden disabilities, she herself may not have been able to stand and the dc may have had a not obvious issue. You didnt want the carriage to know why you couldnt stand, shr may have been in a similar position. Doesn't excuse her glaring ofc.

gingergenius · 01/08/2017 10:03

@toastandbutterandjam OMG! I get that maybe there were SN involved with the daughter but there was no need for the rudeness!

SophieGiroux · 01/08/2017 10:36

@Believeitornot I know they were deliberately ignoring because they looked up at the beginning when we all got on but then went back to their phones

Megha22 · 01/08/2017 10:42

hvgyuhvluc

AwaywiththePixies27 · 01/08/2017 10:46

YNBU. If her DD was that desperate tk sit down ehy didnt she give up her own seat? I'm disabled and I can still stand when my DCs need to sit down. They only want to sit down if DD is unwell though (chest infections) or if I want DS not to pull a Houdini on us and end up the other end of the tram/train (ASD). They're usually more than happy to stand up. As am I, even when in pain.

Megha22 · 01/08/2017 10:47

Hello FlyingFox95, You are not at fault here, if she didn't get what she wanted from you she had other options you weren't her final solution so its OK sometimes we have to put ourselves first, and about the glaring part, just cause you didn't explain her why you couldn't help am sure she made a perception about you that you are not a good person , but i thinkl people are mostly like that you don't need to worry i believe what you did was totally fine

AwaywiththePixies27 · 01/08/2017 10:49

toastandbutterandjam oh my gosh! What an entitled cow she was! Mind you I've had jt before where people have 'saved' their sears for their kid on a bench, who was happily playing in the waterpark and couldn't give a fuck about sitting down. As they say, 'nowt so strange as folk'.

OP. I hope you're feeling better soon.

easterholidays · 01/08/2017 10:49

flowergrrl I absolutely take your point and appreciate that some children need to sit where possible for a variety of reasons, but the same is true for adults, and in neither case is it always possible to tell.

I think what PPs are saying is not that adults take priority in all circumstances but that barring any information that suggests otherwise, it is polite for children to give up their seats to adults. However, as soon as more information becomes available which makes it clear that an individual child (or an individual adult!) has a greater need, it would be polite for anyone who can do so, to make space for them. I suppose it's an "all other things being equal" position, rather than an absolute one, if that makes sense?

BarbarianMum · 01/08/2017 10:50

If the mother and child had special needs and so couldn't stand she should have said so. No way I'd give up my seat to a healthy looking child whilst their healthy looming parent sat.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 01/08/2017 10:52

AlmostAJillSandwich I have hidden disabilities. I still give up my seat when needed. The only time I didn't was recently when my friend wouldn't let me. I was very poorly with a chest infection and on the way home after needing nebulisers'. It wasn't safe for me to give up my seat then, and it took my friend to tell me that. I suffer from excruciating backache (thanks for that steroids), usually judge whether I think I can stand for long or not.

WeyHay · 01/08/2017 11:01

YANBU

Most 10 year old children are perfectly capable of standing. The child's mother was chancing her arm, and certainly her response to you was rude.

I hope you're feeling better today, OP

CauliflowerSqueeze · 01/08/2017 11:01

My cheeky fucker story:

I got on at the first stop and the train was already really full. It was a 3 hour journey.
A woman and son were sitting at a 4 seater table with their bags on the 2 other seats, so they had effectively saved the entire table for themselves. I asked if I could sit down and the woman said that they had friends getting on at the next stop that they were saving a place for. It was obviously a lie. Anyway, I walked down the carriage a little and waited. The next stop came and went - no friends. I walked back up - "looks like your friends missed the train!" I said. "Hmmmmph" she retorted. "I'd like to sit there please" I said. She moved a bag, obviously annoyed.

The next stop came and someone came onto the train saying loudly how there was nowhere to sit "over here!" I called helpfully, "unfortunately these people had friends who never showed up, so there's a spare seat right here!"

Some people are really quite selfish.

DoomGloomAndKaboom · 01/08/2017 11:01

I was all ready to say YABU because small children can fall and hurt themselves on a train/tube.

But in your circs YANBU YANBU YANBU.

a) you were unwell and in pain
b) a 10 year old can stand and wobble
c) the mum didn't explain why her 10 yo needed a seat
d) she could also have explained why she couldn't give up her seat
e) she and her snowflake could have waited for the next train or taken the bus for their entire one stop journey
f) given no one volunteered their seat for the 10 yo, I would say anyone within earshot was on your side

I hope you are feeling much better today.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 01/08/2017 11:02

And OP, your UTI is irrelevant. You're a paying adult. Of course you shouldn't give up your seat to a child.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 01/08/2017 11:11

You're a paying adult. Of course you shouldn't give up your seat to a child.

Eh? I fully think the OP is NBU but children pay too.

gingergenius · 01/08/2017 11:12

@CauliflowerSqueeze bravo! Brilliant execution of a cheeky-fucker counter-manoeuvre!

CauliflowerSqueeze · 01/08/2017 11:18

Away - I was assuming travelling in London where under 11s are all free travellers on trains with their zip cards. But anyway, remove the "paying" and it's the same sentiment.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 01/08/2017 11:19

ginger - I felt quite smug. Could make out I was being helpful while in fact I was calling her out

AwaywiththePixies27 · 01/08/2017 11:22

Ah right cauliflower sorry. I just saw train so assumed it could be anywhere.

I sometimes do that with cheeky fucker passengers too. And ads the nice smile on the end for dramatic effect just to see id they really do spontaneously combust at the prospect

AhhhhThatsBass · 01/08/2017 11:28

Whether you had a UTI or not should have no bearing on the outcome (although I'm sorry to hear that you do). I would not give up my seat for a child over the age of about 4. I would only do that if the mother herself wasn't standing.
Also, children don't even pay to be on public transport.
My little one is only 3 now but as soon as she is 4 or 5, on crowded public transport, I will absolutely be telling her to offer her seat to an adult. So YANBU at all.

SuperPug · 01/08/2017 11:32

Good...
Don't feel at all bad about it, she's in the wrong.
Some people think that they are entitled to everything and pass this down to their kids.
I'd do the same. And I don't normally stand up for children as normally I've been working all day. Why would anybody do this unless there are other circumstances where someone (not just a child) needs to use the seat?

flowergrrl77 · 01/08/2017 12:12

@easterholidays oh i agree with you, it's often practically impossible to tell, stigma often means those with hidden disabilities work hard to disguise it! I wish we were a more understanding ppl.

I was indignant at those early on who were blanket thinking with 'a child should always give up their seat'

For well children they're correct ofc. But I wanted to point out to those (not you, the post where you say my name suggests you are in full awareness that even on a different day, who needs more could be different) who blanket think a child should always move for an adult should just take a moment more to think. Are you asking an autistic child to move? Are you trying to shift an adult with Fibro who has managed to be well enough to be out a little?

You just don't know! Politely asking and respectfully declining are just fine imo.

Thanks for listening xx

brasty · 01/08/2017 12:27

The child is 10. I would not have given a 10 year old a seat even if I was not ill.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10

Swipe left for the next trending thread