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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU? Not giving up train seat for a child?

231 replies

FlyingFox95 · 31/07/2017 23:35

Hiya

Just looking for a tiny bit of perspective into whether I am a horrible person or not.

I went home sick from work today because I had a really painful UTI. Without going into too much detail it was so bad that I needed to be sitting down because if I wasn't I had that unbearable itch which most of you will relate to.... I have recently miscarried too so was feeling more anxious than normal about the pain. Anyway it was particularly bad so I was struggling on my way to the doctors app I could book to get it sorted. Let's be honest, they suck.

The train I was on was quite busy, no spare seats and I was sitting beside someone on the aisle seat at the end of the carriage beside the bit where the trains join up (?). A woman sits at the free seat across the aisle from me and asks if I could move to let her DD sit down (older, around 10ish i'd say) sit down. I was already in a lot of pain and feeling like shit so i said no and apologised. I didn't explain in much detail to be fair as I didn't want the whole carriage to hear about my gynecological issues.

Anyway the woman was less than impressed and glared at me for the rest of the journey. I was surprised she didn't ask anyone else in the surrounding seats. They were only on for one stop strangely enough so her DD stood beside her in the aisle without needing to move away from her at any point.

Aibu? Should I have had to move or is it as weird as i thought it was?

OP posts:
ParadiseCity · 01/08/2017 07:48

I am taking my 10yo on a train soon and the first thing she asked was if she will have a seat... for some reason she seemed quite worried about it. I wonder if she has been on mumsnet.

My main motto on public transport is treat other people the way you'd like to be treated. Rather than judging them I would have said 'sorry I'm actually on my way home poorly'. You say she gave you evils but you also say you have resting bitch face so maybe you are both kinda scowly and it wasn't evils?

Mammyloveswine · 01/08/2017 08:18

Omg how rude! Some people are so entitled! I once had a man scream at me not to "do something stupid with that pram" when I was on the metro once...quite what I was going to do with it I'm not sure!

Lo is 18 months now and we regularly get the metro 🚋 without the pram. People have been overwhelmingly kind in offering us a seat if it's busy but TBH I tend to avoid getting it at busy times if possible to avoid the commuting nightmare! (I'm also pregnant and midwife offered me an "I need a seat" badge they've just rolled out.. haven't got mine yet but might wear it if I'm having a particularly rough day!
0
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Op you are not being unreasonable!

ShoesHaveSouls · 01/08/2017 08:31

Good god woman, of course yanbu.

I was really touched when a young man recently offered my DD(9) a seat on the tube, but would never have expected it.

Plus, really cheeky of her to ask you to give up your seat, while she herself had a seat Confused She should give up her seat for her child before expecting strangers to.

AnathemaPulsifer · 01/08/2017 08:35

YANBU at all! My v tall 12 year old would rather sit on my knee than next to a stranger anyway.

TipTopTipTopClop · 01/08/2017 08:37

Jesus wept.

Firstly, OP, as a fellow UTI sufferer - I want to give you some Flowers and Wine. Fuck me they are miserable.

Secondly, children should give their seats to adults - not the other way around.

VladmirsPoutine · 01/08/2017 08:37

The fact that you were feeling unwell has fuck all to do with this. I don't care if you were sitting in the seat having a can of pimms or sitting there with leg casts the size polar bears. If her child needed a seat then she should have given up hers. She shouldn't asked you at all.

Littledrummergirl · 01/08/2017 08:38

My rule of thumb when travelling has been to allow primary school age children to sit. It seems much safer to me.
Last weekend I gave up my seat so a small child could sit on the tube, I'm sturdy enough to hold on as was their mum.
My three dc would always sit before me at that age but when they got to secondary school age they seemed much sturdier so have stood. Without exception they will offer their seats to strangers and stand. Respecting a child's needs doesn't mean they will become disrespectful teens.

Saying that op, ywnbu- mum should have stood.

Girty999 · 01/08/2017 08:39

I'd never expect an adult to give up a seat for my boys, I've taught them to give up seats for ladies especially and grown ups, if we can't all sit down together we all stand together x

Checklist · 01/08/2017 08:43

DD is disabled and needs to sit down wherever possible. DH or I will always stand to let her sit down. We might ask for her to sit in a priority seat, if there are no seats at all, but we would not dream of asking someone else to give up their seat, while we sit!

cottagecheesequeen · 01/08/2017 08:43

I never get up for children. why would you?

IDoDaChaCha · 01/08/2017 08:44

Her child could have sat on her lap... Back when I was a kid we'd be unceremoniously stuffed in the footwell or plonked on the lap of a bigger child and both belted in overcrowded cars going to theme parks. All completely illegal now of course Grin but kids are still smaller and lighter and it wouldn't kill her to let her own daughter sit on her lap. Or as others have said give up her own seat if she chose to. Makes no sense asking a stranger to give up their seat. YANBU x

Yura · 01/08/2017 08:47

My 4 year old knows to make space for adults (he can sit on my knee or on an old plastic bag on the floor if needed), so at 10 her daughter can stand/sit on floor/share a seat with mum

flowergrrl77 · 01/08/2017 08:49

For the record I didn't think the OP was unreasonable, the parent seemed U in this case, but my little rant above was aimed at the person that said children should always stand over adults as they're more able!

Well, not necessarily no.

OP, you DID good, a simple no slurry I can't would happily do me if I was the parent asking for my invisible disability child. I'd look around for someone else that might appear more able (but again would check, in case I can't see something that can't be seen - not expecting any explanations)

To those that think all children should give up seats I ask you to remove that assumption, thanks.

Tralalalalz · 01/08/2017 08:50

You were absolutely correct. I always make my children stand for an adult and wouldn't dream of expecting my 10 year old to sit down if someone was already there. If she did need to sit, I would give her my seat

Onelastpage · 01/08/2017 08:52

YDNBU

Firstly, you were ill so needed that seat.

And second, my rule of thumb for offering my seat is 'does this person look less able to stand then me?'. So, older or pregnant or young enough that they can't balance as much (under 10 certainly) etc etc. I might give up a seat for someone who didn't visibly need it if asked (assuming they had a reason) - but out of the kindness of my heart not as a matter of course! Also not if I wasn't ill in the first place.

If her son needed a seat then he could have had hers.

Onelastpage · 01/08/2017 08:53

Not if I was ill in the first.

chips4teaplease · 01/08/2017 08:57

You were right, she was wrong. I hope you are feeling a little better today.

My cheeky fucker train story:
Got on the train, sat down. Plenty of seats around but the one I preferred was taken. No problem, I sat somewhere else. Two stops later, a woman gets on, and asks me to move to another seat. There were still plenty spare. I said no, I liked the seat I'd chosen. She said 'But I want to sit there!'
I couldn't believe it. I told her that she ought to have got on the train earlier, then, because I was sitting there now. She said I was rude and argued. I explained to her that when I got on the train, a man was already sitting in my preferred seat, and that because of that, I'd chosen another. That's how it works on public transport.
She wasn't amused. She sat in a spare seat, next to me.
Grin

misdee · 01/08/2017 08:58

yanbu

I have a teenager with autism. If I spot her struggling on public transport, then I will make her take a seat and I stand next to her. She has a badge from TFL about needing a seat. So far we haven't been challenged

aintnothinbutagstring · 01/08/2017 09:03

I'd offer my kids to sit while I stood if possible as them struggling and swinging around is an inconvenience to everyone. I wouldn't expect another adult to give up their seat. It's a shame these days that parents are raising children to be so entitled and not thinking about the needs of others.

SophieGiroux · 01/08/2017 09:07

I recently was standing on a train in the aisle so plenty of people could see I was 6.5 months pregnant but not one person offered me a seat. Faces all buried away in their phones deliberately ignoring! I didn't feel I actually needed the seat so wasn't too bothered but people can be so rude on public transport.

BannedFromNarnia · 01/08/2017 09:09

Children should stand once they're old enough to be safe, and 10 is plenty old enough.

Obviously with the except of a child with additional needs but that's not what's happened here, or the mother - un;ess she presumably also had additional needs?? - would have given up her own seat.

Sirzy · 01/08/2017 09:11

Even if the mother and daughter both had additional needs surely a parent would first make sure their child was seated and safe and then look at finding themselves a seat if possible?

Riversleep · 01/08/2017 09:12

No. Kids can stand. What a silly woman. She's treating her kid like she's a previous little flower who cant stand. good for you for refusing.

BannedFromNarnia · 01/08/2017 09:26

Quite @Sirzy, sounds like she was just being entitled.

My mother would have gone apoplectic if I had been sitting at 10 when there was an adult standing.

Believeitornot · 01/08/2017 09:31

Faces all buried away in their phones deliberately ignoring

They probably didn't see you as they're in their own worlds. Phones are distracting. I've done that and as soon as I've looked up and clocked someone who needs the seat, I offer. So don't assume everyone is deliberately ignoring you - why would they?