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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel irritated when families have multiple children they cannot afford

559 replies

Teddy7878 · 31/07/2017 10:41

First of all I accept that no contraception is 100% foolproof and pregnancy sometimes can occur even when people are trying their hardest to be careful.

I also accept that sometimes people's circumstances change and they could go from being financially comfortable to losing their jobs etc during their children's lives.

What really winds me up though are people who actively try and get pregnant when they already have several children and cannot afford the ones they already have. I sometimes see threads on here where people state they have less than £50 to feed a family of 7 for a week and no money at all for any luxuries whatsoever.

My DP and I will be in our mid 30s when we have our first child and we have decided it might be our only child. We want to be able to afford to give it a great life so have saved up hard for a few years beforehand. Between us we earn 65k so we live comfortably and don't have debts (other than the mortgage). It upsets me that we have to make the decision to only have one (possibly two) children and other people are having 5+ kids when they can't afford them.

Money isn't everything, a loving family home is always going to be the most important thing, but if you can only afford to eat lentils and never take your kids out anywhere fun or go on holiday or afford a car or pay for them to do activities outside of school or buy them a few nice things for Xmas then why keep continuing to have more and more children and making your situation even more stressful for everyone involved?! Why not just stick to one or two children?

OP posts:
PTA689 · 31/07/2017 10:43

This is going to go down well!

Dragonflycushion · 31/07/2017 10:43

Yabu if you think this is going to end well.

HarrietKettleWasHere · 31/07/2017 10:44

How many families on the breadline do you know with 5 or my kids then OP?

And no, 'benefit porn' channel 5 shows do not count.

Londonyardwork · 31/07/2017 10:45

YANBU - you will be paying for these children that you cant have indirectly through taxation. We are in the same situation as you.

HarrietKettleWasHere · 31/07/2017 10:45

*more. Anyway. You sound really full of yourself. Have one kid of you want. Whatever. Don't go round preaching about it though, people will just think you're a knob.

BumWad · 31/07/2017 10:46

YANBU

Ifailed · 31/07/2017 10:46

I suspect there are very, very few people who willingly have a larger family with no plans on how to house, feed and clothe them. For the rest of us, Shit happens.

Freddystarshamster · 31/07/2017 10:48

It's a fair point OP but you'll get crucified for this.

patiently waits for comments about goats from the "cool kids"

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 31/07/2017 10:48

There are numerous reasons why it happens, the children are the ones that pay the price though.

Some do it as their wants outweigh the children's needs i.e. When trying for one of a certain sex or they prefer the baby stage. Others do it to avoid working, to gain more benefits, they think each new relationship is not complete without a child etc.

Money isn't everything you are right but children do need it. Sadly there are too many selfish adults that think their wants over ride what a child actually needs and the child has to live with it.

feathermucker · 31/07/2017 10:48

Judgemental much?!

Original poster
Teddy7878 · 31/07/2017 10:49

I know there are probably more cases of people who have multiple children when they are struggling financially because of contraception failing etc. My irritation isnt aimed at them but at the smaller % who actively plan for more siblings for their children when they can barely afford to eat and pay their bills. I just don't get it!

OP posts:
Birdsgottaf1y · 31/07/2017 10:49

So you are irritated by poor people?

Just keep supporting the Torys.

How do you feel towards the refugees, who've had children during a war? Or those in general in undeveloped countries?

x2boys · 31/07/2017 10:50

Depends really what you mean by a great life we live in a council house ,shop in Aldi go on some days out but not loads and our holidays are caravan type places and not every year my kids are generally happy though it's all subjective.

AccrualIntentions · 31/07/2017 10:51

YANBU. It's not just about money either, imo.

My BIL and his girlfriend are like this. Already struggling financially, his work is very insecure, they're in completely unsuitable housing, relationship on the rocks, oh yes, lets have another baby.

x2boys · 31/07/2017 10:51

FreddyGrin

Original poster
Teddy7878 · 31/07/2017 10:52

A woman I went to school with has 3 kids with another on the way. They live in a 2 bed flat and she's always writing on Facebook about how they can't afford to eat and asking for advice on food banks. My annoyance is because she made it public knowledge that she was actively trying to fall pregnant with her 4th baby. Why not just stick to the 3 and relieve some of the financial burdens they clearly have. I'd love to have 4 kids but I know we'd have to massively cut back on loads of things and would really struggle

OP posts:
NotMyPenguin · 31/07/2017 10:52

It's pretty rare TBH. I don't even know of anyone who has more than three children, and I know plenty of people.

It also doesn't really seem to affect you personally. Do you think maybe you're trying to make yourself feel better about your own choices?

HalfShellHero · 31/07/2017 10:52

Thats why ive stuck to 2 OP more money for things to do with them.

HeartburnCentral · 31/07/2017 10:52

YABU for starting a bun fight on a Monday morning Grin

dotdotdot3 · 31/07/2017 10:53

Before the onslaught, I'd just like to agree with you, sort of.

So far as I'm concerned, everyone should exercise 'population restraint', not just the poor. Never mind which individuals can afford luxury items for their kids, the fact is that the PLANET can't afford many more people.

There is already more of us than is desirable. And it is actually the rich who usually use up more resources and cause more environmental degradation.

So yes, I am irritated and alarmed by the selfishness and ignorance behind large families, but not just those who happen to be poor. One baby is enough, if you must.

Babyroobs · 31/07/2017 10:53

I see a lot of this in my job . Usually immigrant families with 7 or 8 kids. I expect it is probably a cultural thing to have so many children and to be honest whilst they know they will get tax credits for each additional child it doesn't stop them because they often live in large extended families, cook cheaply etc so can survive. The new rule on the government now only paying tax credits for a maximum of 2 children may or may not change things.
There are a few families in my village with 6 or 8 kids but in our nearest city it's a lot more common to find huge families.
I have 4 myself but we can afford them. We have both always worked around each other so never had or claimed childcare costs. We get child benefit but could manage without that if it was stopped.
I worked with an agency health care assistant a few weeks who had 5 kids, she was absolutely panicking about the new tax credit rule until I told her she would still get them for all five kids. It's clear that many large families are relying heavily on benefits to survive.

Birdsgottaf1y · 31/07/2017 10:54

""My irritation isnt aimed at them but at the smaller % who actively plan for more siblings for their children when they can barely afford to eat and pay their bills.""

Their priorities are different to yours and they are different people.

Some people are happy to just muddle along and hope for the best.

Other people have a need to create a family, for a variety of reasons.

Original poster
Teddy7878 · 31/07/2017 10:54

@birds
I hate the Tories thank you very much! I voted labour and always will!
I have no issue with poor people. I used to be in quite extreme financial difficulties myself a few years ago and had bailiffs at my door. But if someone's in that sort of situation why PLAN a pregnancy? Why not wait until things are a bit better even if you have to end up being an older mum. Or why not just stick to one or two children and not have anymore unless you're unlucky and contraception fails?!

OP posts:
FlakeBook · 31/07/2017 10:56

We have a large family. We're not claiming benefits, dh earns c30k but we can't afford holidays, extra curricular activities etc, we don't own our home and everyone wears second hand clothes.

Our children have a good life. I'd go so far as to say a better life than some children we know who are over burdened with after school activities and have no time just to be children.

YABVU. You make your life choices and we'll make ours. It's a positive choice for our children to live modestly in a big family.

upperlimit · 31/07/2017 10:56

I think, if you are referring particularly to threads on here, there are lots of families making do with unforeseen circumstances. Those larger families struggling on less money are often blended families or ones who have taken on other children in their wider family to keep them out of care or ones that are struggling with disabilities and the financial difficulties that follow.

This idea that people just throw themselves into a financial abyss so they can have lots of cute babies doesn't reflect my reality or observations. Mostly people get on with keeping going when things radically change or sometimes just fall to shit and mostly they do an epic job of it.