To feel irritated when families have multiple children they cannot afford

[Teddy7878]

First of all I accept that no contraception is 100% foolproof and pregnancy sometimes can occur even when people are trying their hardest to be careful.

I also accept that sometimes people's circumstances change and they could go from being financially comfortable to losing their jobs etc during their children's lives.

What really winds me up though are people who actively try and get pregnant when they already have several children and cannot afford the ones they already have. I sometimes see threads on here where people state they have less than £50 to feed a family of 7 for a week and no money at all for any luxuries whatsoever.

My DP and I will be in our mid 30s when we have our first child and we have decided it might be our only child. We want to be able to afford to give it a great life so have saved up hard for a few years beforehand. Between us we earn 65k so we live comfortably and don't have debts (other than the mortgage). It upsets me that we have to make the decision to only have one (possibly two) children and other people are having 5+ kids when they can't afford them.

Money isn't everything, a loving family home is always going to be the most important thing, but if you can only afford to eat lentils and never take your kids out anywhere fun or go on holiday or afford a car or pay for them to do activities outside of school or buy them a few nice things for Xmas then why keep continuing to have more and more children and making your situation even more stressful for everyone involved?! Why not just stick to one or two children?

Teddy. It has gone too far now. There are thousands of families from certain cultural backgrounds having multiple children. And some immigrant families have large families and there has been little control. I am seeing somali immigrant families with 8/9 kids coming here via other EU countries. That is why our population is growing. it doesn't take long for those 9 kid families to start reproducing and if they then have even 4/5 kids themselves, well you can see how within a generation things spiral. Recent reports on the news have highlighted how foreign born mothers are having way more kids than Uk born ones.

I agree with you OP.

Someone that I know had 4 children with her first husband, then split with him and met another man who already had 3 children. Fair enough that they wanted a child together but they then went on to have four children together! Why on earth would someone have 4 more kids when between them they already had 7! 11 kids in total that they are responsible for at least partially supporting. It's ridiculous!

They are totally skint and always moan about money, and she is always threatening to split up with him so no doubt if that happens they will each get new partners and have yet more kids with said new partners! Surely it has to stop somewhere??!!

Also I feel that parents with huge families (i would class this as 6+ kids) keep having babies for their own selfish reasons 'because they love babies' rather than thinking of the bigger picture. No wonder this planet is overcrowded!

X 2 boys - Yes it will be interesting how the tax credit changes and benefit cap will affect things However a lot of these huge immigrant families live in multi generational households, they cook cheaply to feed large numbers. I'm not sure a cap in tax credits is going to change things that much. I guess time will tell.

I was being half serious when I said talk to your friend, sometimes people get caught up in ttc they forget the practical elements.

I've never understood people taking risks sexually when it would mean plunging further into poverty. I'd do without sex rather than risk having a big family I can't afford financially, emotionally or physically.

As it happens, I do without sex anyway because my own sex life has tapered out. I'm OK. I enjoy sweets and telly instead.

I loved sex a lot when I was younger but is it really that good that you need to do it even when the consequences might fuck you up? I've also had contraception accidents but took the morning after pill because I really didn't want to be pregnant.

When I did accidentally get pregnant I had a termination. It was fine.

Other people make the choices that suit them and they don't need my approval to do so. But inwardly I'm thinking what the actual fuck. Nowt so queer as folk.

People saying they rarely see large families. Well you are possibly not going to living in middle England suburbia. Come to any large multi cultural city like Bradford, Leicester, Manchester and you will see what is happening.

YANBU.

#butidontmeanyou

Your decision to only have one child is completely separate and unrelated to other people having more children than they can (IYHO) afford. Why the misdirected bitterness? Are you perhaps not as fully behind the one child plan and are being coerced/forced into it by your OH?

Op I don't think YABU

A family I know have one child and don't stop going on about how they're trying for another. What they don't seem to think about is how they are claiming benefits they aren't entitled to and borrowing money from family every month just to get by. (Although they do have some days out so probably could cut back a bit)

DH and I desperately want another baby but are worried about how it would affect DD if we had to pay for another human. Unfortunately if you can't afford something you just can't have it.

My DP and I will be in our mid 30s when we have our first child and we have decided it might be our only child

I absolutely hated, loathed and detested being an only child. And the fact that you and your husband will be mid thirties when your child is born, if you do decide to have only one, there's a higher chance of them being bereaved and left alone that bit younger.

As a child, I was terribly envious of my best friend's large, noisy, less-well-off family. Likewise, my cousins' family were quite impoverished when they were young, but I doubt they ever had the chance to be lonely.

Not saying that you shouldn't stick to your plans, simply that your child may not necessarily thank you for all your perceived sacrifices compared to families you feel were less responsible...

Well if people are saying they only have £50 to feed a family of 7 with no extra money for anything else then clearly they can't afford them can they?
I'm certainly not being forced into anything by my OH. Weird conclusion to come to! I'm bitter because my taxes pay towards larger families that are struggling to survive, and we'll only be able to afford to have 1 child

I think there's lots of things at play here. First of all there is the cultural/religious side. Then those who used to breed as a career but as has been said, with benefit caps I assume they will have to find another way to play the system. Then those that have the money and want a big family and of course blended families that are only large because they have brought two families together.

Personally we have two children already and one on the way. I am at the very end of my fertile life now so this will be the last. the largest family I know is three children, so big families aren't particularly prevalent round here.

I'm not saying this is a factor in every case, but reproductive coercion is something that does happen to people, and perhaps could explain some of these 'bad decisions' and 'sexual risks' people have been judged to have taken. Looking from the outside in to a family, nobody knows what's really going on.

I sort of understand where you are coming from, but you are going to get flamed.

It is not as simple as just having too many children and not being able to afford them as peoples situations change.

Op isn't being flamed though, most people are agreeing that it is unaccepatable .

@000puravida I've already stated several times that I pass zero judgement on anyone whose financial circumstances change after having multiple children. I totally get that people can lose their jobs, fall seriously ill, have their partner leave them or have unexpected costs that get them into debt.

As for the argument that only having 1 child might cause them to resent me when they are older because of their lack of siblings - yes it's not 100% ideal but I would much rather be able to afford to give them a great life than give them a sibling or two and have to constantly watch every single penny I spend and have to work myself to death to fund everything. My sister has two babies who live close by so they would be able to have a relationship with them too

I absolutely hated, loathed and detested being an only child. And the fact that you and your husband will be mid thirties when your child is born, if you do decide to have only one, there's a higher chance of them being bereaved and left alone that bit younger.

I also don't like OP's judgy tone, but this is a nasty thing to say.

And I'm not being flamed. More people are agreeing with me than not on this thread

How many families on the breadline do you know with 5 or my kids then OP?

I know loads and have done over my last 20 years in social care. I do think sometimes when I see a family in our system that are really struggling with behaviour issue and poverty with the 4 they have why they think it is a good idea to have two more and still remain on our 'books'. We have had plenty of families where mum is pregnant with her 4th+ and daughter is also pregnant. No matter how much advice and services are given some things won't change.
These homes aren't always 'fun, happy homes' but have kids on the street at midnight with neighbours phoning the EDT who then have to send someone out.
Personally get so frustrated when we get a callto say so and so is pregnant again because ultimately it's the kids that are suffering.
Another person asked on a different thread about kids being taken into care but there is seriously few places. We are desperately short of foster carers. We can't cope.

Ask the Chinese people how they enjoyed only being allowed to have one child. That went down really well didn't it?! All those abortions and dead unwanted babies really taught them a lesson about procreating.

These kinds of comments and this thought process really chills me. Why don't you stick to one or two kids and let other people decide how they want to live their lives. Terrible. Oh and stop being a judgemental twat.

I never understand why people get irritated with how many children other parents have.

It kind of is your business if it causes you inconvenience. How about all the people who say they have to take their kids to school because they don't want to walk to school with the younger ones? It's a mild example but it's an illustration of where people think the rest of the world has to be inconvenienced because of their family choices.

Lots of moaning about immigration but actually people need to have fewer kids, too if we are going to have a chance of having enough housing and resources without having to concrete over the countryside.

However, I agree I don't really know any big families personally. The most is 4 except for one family I knew with 5, but they had triplets as their 3rd child! Most have 2-3.

YANBU.

I absolutely hated, loathed and detested being an only child

and for everyone who says this there will be the person who doesn't get on with their siblings.

It's swings and roundabouts.