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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel irritated when families have multiple children they cannot afford

559 replies

Teddy7878 · 31/07/2017 10:41

First of all I accept that no contraception is 100% foolproof and pregnancy sometimes can occur even when people are trying their hardest to be careful.

I also accept that sometimes people's circumstances change and they could go from being financially comfortable to losing their jobs etc during their children's lives.

What really winds me up though are people who actively try and get pregnant when they already have several children and cannot afford the ones they already have. I sometimes see threads on here where people state they have less than £50 to feed a family of 7 for a week and no money at all for any luxuries whatsoever.

My DP and I will be in our mid 30s when we have our first child and we have decided it might be our only child. We want to be able to afford to give it a great life so have saved up hard for a few years beforehand. Between us we earn 65k so we live comfortably and don't have debts (other than the mortgage). It upsets me that we have to make the decision to only have one (possibly two) children and other people are having 5+ kids when they can't afford them.

Money isn't everything, a loving family home is always going to be the most important thing, but if you can only afford to eat lentils and never take your kids out anywhere fun or go on holiday or afford a car or pay for them to do activities outside of school or buy them a few nice things for Xmas then why keep continuing to have more and more children and making your situation even more stressful for everyone involved?! Why not just stick to one or two children?

OP posts:
Mama234 · 31/07/2017 12:15

Only if our state is being crippled over them and will be in years to come like you say I would have thought I would know of at least one family that do it?

MaidenMotherCrone · 31/07/2017 12:15

If it wasn't for one of 'those' poor, large families I wouldn't exist and therefore my 3 children ( who I could afford) wouldn't exist either.

Was my childhood crap because we were poor? No.

Did my parents raise their children to be non judgmental, open minded and accepting of others? Yes.

Original poster
Teddy7878 · 31/07/2017 12:16

I work for the council and I see families like this in dire need of help on an almost daily basis. Maybe I just live in a poorer part of the country but there are many large British families struggling to afford food. The amount of food bank vouchers I gave out this month was staggering

OP posts:
Alittlepotofrosie · 31/07/2017 12:17

Oh sorry, touched a nerve have i?

If you were that concerned about the effect on the environment, the NHS and society then you wouldn't have one at all. But as you said you're not bothered if you have children either way then it's really all a moot point isn't it.

For what it's worth, I would rather see three children born to parents on a low income who might have to make sacrifices than see one child born to a couple that weren't really bothered if they have them or not.

NormaNameChange · 31/07/2017 12:17

There are still women in this country who dont have easy access to contraception, there are still women who haven't been informed about the choices they have or realise that life can be different to the life they currently live.

Threads like these make me utterly furious. Educated and comfortably well off folk judging and condoning other people who didnt and will NEVER have the opportunities and chances they have had.

I could tell you hundreds of stories of the women I've worked with who dont think they have any other option! The blind middle class know nothing of what life is really like for a girl brought up to think the only option for her is motherhood - and I'm not talking about those from other cultures. So enjoy your £65k a year job and your pension... have as many children as you choose but ffs remember you're the lucky one - you know you HAVE a choice.

Babyroobs · 31/07/2017 12:18

Mama - If you live in any large city with a diverse multi cultural population then you will see large numbers of families with 6/7 kids

gillybeanz · 31/07/2017 12:18

Why is it your responsibility to fund them beyond their teens, when they are adults? Surely, you'd parent them to be able to stand on their own two feet Confused
I don't hear many parents complaining they can't meet their basic needs and many people aren't motivated by surplus money and luxuries.
Some people don't want to go on holiday, let alone stay in this country.
Activities for children can cost very little or be free if you take a look.
I know the subs to lots of sports and scouts/ guides come in at a few pound per month, with 3 that's a tenner.
I know music groups that charge £25 per year and there is a discount for those on benefit/ siblings.
Your argument about kids not having fun or activities doesn't really stand up tbh.
Yes, you can spend thousands on your kids if you have the money/ want to indulge them but most folk are happy without.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 31/07/2017 12:20

First of all there is the cultural/religious side. Then those who used to breed as a career but as has been said, with benefit caps I assume they will have to find another way to play the system

In my lifetime the dwp rules have changed sufficiently that breeding as a career when attached to low income or workless households could apply to any and every single person in their early to mid 40's with 2 or more kids and if they are older and their kids are older we could apply it to those with 1.
25 years ago all you needed to do was have a kid every 15 years, it's only fairly recently that it changed to 11 then 5.

Would you really look at a family with 2 kids and assume breeding for benefits?

OhhBetty · 31/07/2017 12:21

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purplesippycup · 31/07/2017 12:22

People who actively plan to have more children than they can afford to support and comfortably house are selfish idiots. YANBU on that front.

Mama234 · 31/07/2017 12:23

There are nurses who require food banks too teddy I recently saw being covered on the news.. Its not just people on benefits. Its people who have been having their pay capped for years whilst inflation has been rising because of those greedy conservatives caring more about increasing their own wages than about people who do jobs that really matter.

LogicalPsycho · 31/07/2017 12:25

Only on MN can you be Unreasonable to say it's wrong to keep having more children if you can't adequately provide for the ones you have.

LogicalPsycho · 31/07/2017 12:25

Only on MN can you be Unreasonable to say it's wrong to keep having more children if you can't adequately provide for the ones you have.

clumsyduck · 31/07/2017 12:25

You say you don't mean families that may have suddenly fallen on hard times but then you quote posts you see on here about women with multiple children complaining they have no money . How do you know they haven't suddenly fallen on hard times ??

I haven't rtft so I'm sure Itl have been said but I honestly think some people live in their own cosy world and don't know what life is like for some people .

Some women already skint and struggling will go on to have more children for a variety of reasons that may be hard for you to understand

Let's hope you keep your 65k household income . I'm a single mum but lucky enough to be able to provide well enough for my ds . I don't take it for granted though . Anything could change !

GirlOnATrainToShite · 31/07/2017 12:26

I work in a SC environment and there are families who carry on having babies and then the children have babies. It's frustrating but not the majority of our work.

Mama234 · 31/07/2017 12:26

Really babyroibs, And you know there financial status? That they are all on benefits? I mean would you judge me and decide I am on benefits because I have four kids? (I am not BTW but I find this interesting)

gillybeanz · 31/07/2017 12:26

Teddy

Yes, your wants aren't necessary though, but a choice.
maybe understand the difference between want and need.
Children don't need all the things you are suggesting.

I do wonder why you couldn't do all those things on your huge salary though.
We managed those things except the uni, for 3 children and now manage a private education for youngest, mortgage paid off at 40, few luxuries though an a quarter of your household income.

It's fine if you don't want to make sacrifices but it would be wrong to tell people they can't manage to raise a family on your income.
It's great that you are looking at what you are prepared to sacrifice for a family, but you must be able to see that people have different situations and priorities than you.

anchor9 · 31/07/2017 12:26

OP, you are criticising one extreme whilst high and mightily planning the other.

money doesn't make for a happy home. nor does having none make for an unhappy one. you sound uptight which will affect your only child in other ways.

basically, MYOB.

AngelaoftheNorth · 31/07/2017 12:28

^^

Exactly. Choice is an illusion...

Alittlepotofrosie · 31/07/2017 12:29

You only earn 22k. you seem to have landed on your feet. Other women might not be so lucky to find a man who earns so well, to pay off the mortgage by 50 and go travelling etc.

Conniedescending · 31/07/2017 12:29

I think you need to have your one child and then come back and see if you feel the same way.

I have 4 and as we had them young - mid twenties, life was tough going. Tax credits supported our family but one or both of us always worked. It is low wages and high living costs which is the problem not benefits. Mine are now older and we haven't claimed for years and years as were able to work more as they got older and both have progressed in our careers.

There is much to explain why people have large families - for me I just love children and the sacrifices are worth it

BarbarianMum · 31/07/2017 12:30

gilly people with large families who manage on a quarter of the OP's family income (c.17k a year) generally only do so because they're supported by the benefit system. Which is fine but let's not pretend that the system would work if we all did that. Someone needs to be putting in more than they take out.

AccrualIntentions · 31/07/2017 12:30

If I mind my own business, can I get a refund on all my tax paid to support them please?

So much bullshit on this thread. I went to school with all of these poor unfortunate women brought up "without a choice". It's a load of crap. They do have a choice, but they've chosen to make their lives crap. Or maybe if they've been brought up "without a choice" it's because their own parents are responsible for that, and now they're just perpetuating the cycle.

If I sound judgemental that's because I am. I judge people for making continuously poor life choices, especially when they impact on other people.

PoppyPopcorn · 31/07/2017 12:30

Totally agree with you OP, it's irresponsible and selfish to be planning more children when you can't cope with the ones you have already - whether than be emotionally or financially.

Unfortunately that won't go down well with the lefties on MN who think everyone has the right to do what the hell they like and have other pick up the tab.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 31/07/2017 12:32

Norma, I'd disagree with that.

Contraception is widely available all over the UK, anywhere from doctors to chemists to supermarkets etc. Then there's the option to just not have sex.

We all have choices, we can choose to follow our parents ideals i.e. Only ambition being a mother or we can use the free education that's available to everyone for A Level standard and make something of our lives. You don't have to have a high flying career to have children just a work ethic to provide.