To feel irritated when families have multiple children they cannot afford

[Teddy7878]

First of all I accept that no contraception is 100% foolproof and pregnancy sometimes can occur even when people are trying their hardest to be careful.

I also accept that sometimes people's circumstances change and they could go from being financially comfortable to losing their jobs etc during their children's lives.

What really winds me up though are people who actively try and get pregnant when they already have several children and cannot afford the ones they already have. I sometimes see threads on here where people state they have less than £50 to feed a family of 7 for a week and no money at all for any luxuries whatsoever.

My DP and I will be in our mid 30s when we have our first child and we have decided it might be our only child. We want to be able to afford to give it a great life so have saved up hard for a few years beforehand. Between us we earn 65k so we live comfortably and don't have debts (other than the mortgage). It upsets me that we have to make the decision to only have one (possibly two) children and other people are having 5+ kids when they can't afford them.

Money isn't everything, a loving family home is always going to be the most important thing, but if you can only afford to eat lentils and never take your kids out anywhere fun or go on holiday or afford a car or pay for them to do activities outside of school or buy them a few nice things for Xmas then why keep continuing to have more and more children and making your situation even more stressful for everyone involved?! Why not just stick to one or two children?

But OP you're being really simplistic in your view that a) everyone has the same cultural background/approach to having children b) everyone has the intelligence and education to realise the financial impact of each child c) people think things might get better for them in the future d) everyone has a social/environmental conscience.

I'm not sure how old you are but you seem to be very black and white in your thinking.

Flakebook - If you have a large family and your income is £30k it is highly likely you are claiming tax credits ( unless of course you choose not to claim them). The cut off for 3 kids is £38k and £45k for four.

YANBU. Also, it isn't just the cost to the family, it is the cost to the taxpayer in terms of education and healthcare. So to those with large families saying they don't claim benefits, are your children privately educated and have private healthcare?

Weirdly, I think I have only known about 10 families in the past 20 years who have had 5 or more more kids.

As someone said, these 'benefit porn' programmes and stories in the daily fail don't count. They are benefit bashing propaganda, ( a bit like this thread. )

I stuck to two kids for financial reasons but I think yabu because sometimes people don't make sensible choices, have changes in circumstances etc, they will find out soon enough how expensive kids are when they aren't babies any more. What good does judging do? Your basing this one one person you know!

Beebee- Where do you live though. I'd say these large families are mainly found in poorer inner city areas of large cities. And there are a lot amongst certain communities.

Yanbu but I expect you'll be told Yabu for all manner of reasons which don't address the point you've made - which is very valid.

I'd love to have 4 kids

Yeah, because you don't have any so you have absolutely no idea how hard parenting is.

There are very, very few people who choose to have more children then they can support. Often these women don't have the luxury of choice due to education or circumstance. Some of those circumstances are really unpleasant and I wouldn't wish them on anyone.

And some people just make shit choices. People make shit choices all the time. It's human nature and inevitable in large enough populations that some of these shit choices will relate to reproduction.

OP you have to make the best choices you can given your own circumstances. It's very easy to think the grass is greener or others are taking more from society or whatever. But it's all outside your control, you can only change what is inside your control.

You're fgs

Lois - that is very true. They get extremely expensive when they hit the teenage years and start eating everything in sight and taking adult sixed clothes. that is before we try to help with driving lessons / Uni etc just normal things that parents want to help with.

Flake, I wonder if your children will agree as adults?

I grew up in a large family with no money and it sucked, it's not something I would ever impress on a child. You may think extra curricular activities are rubbish but the majority of children like hobbies and benefit from them.

Then there's the chat at school over holidays, latest days out, latest fashions, gadgets etc. Excluding a child from those things sets them apart from their peers. Never having new clothes only hand me downs that look worn and old really affects self esteem.

It took some of my siblings a long time to get over the effects of that kind of childhood, but hey as long as the adults are happy they should just continue to have more children and wash their hands of any effects it has on them.

Tax credits has encouraged this. The changes to the 2 kids had to be introduced because of it. It's now in place and I expect it will have the impact of reducing such families.

I'm not aiming this at people from different cultural backgrounds who live elsewhere and maybe don't have the sexual health education or access to contraception. I also understand that in many cultures it's seen as the 'norm' to have very large families.

I'm talking about families who are born and bred in the UK who are struggling to afford to get by Day by day, and go out of their way to have more children. It doesn't necessarily have to be 5+ kids. Even having 2 when you can only afford 1 is selfish in my opinion.
And for the third time IM NOT AIMING THIS AT ANYONE WHO ACCIDENTALY FALLS PREGNANT WHEN THEY WERE TRYING TO BE CAREFUL, OR PEOPLE WHOSE CIRCUMSTANCES CHANGE AFTER THEY FALL PREGNANT

I try to help a bit on the tax credit help forums and the number of queries that start off as " My bf works part time earning 13k a year and I'm a sahm, we're expecting our fourth child, how much will we get " are astounding. It's certainly a lot more common than people here seem to think.

The population is growing in this country at around half a million per year. We already don't have enough housing as it is

I never understand why people get irritated with how many children other parents have.

I don't see it as any of my business.

It doesn't so much irritate me as make me feel very sad for the
Children involved - I really don't k ow how people with loads of children already want more, perhaps it's the same as me wanting at least two kids but not so many that I'd struggle with them plus working full time - I was adamant I wasn't going to have only one .... but essentially it's the kids and them Missing out that irks me

And some people just make shit choices. People make shit choices all the time. It's human nature and inevitable in large enough populations that some of these shit choices will relate to reproduction

This.
Op: YABU.
And what is 'multiple' children?
3? 4? More than 5?
I can count on one hand the women I've known with 5 or more kids.

I'd love to have 4 kids

I'm going to pick up on that too. I have three, we don't get any benefits apart from child benefit. And I'm not saying you couldn't pay me enough money to have a fourth but we'd have to be talking six figures and a nanny.

Bullshit to the idea that we'd all have a million kids if we could only afford it.

Erm maybe because things like the benefits system, NHS and education are all stretched to the point of break down. And maybe because I pay a lot of taxes and might only be able to afford 1 child because of how expensive everything is getting year by year.
The whole 'people make shit decisions' doesn't wash with me. It's just selfish behaviour to think 'I can't afford to eat anything other than beans this week or turn my heating on, but let's try for another baby'

Why don't you tell this friend she's frustating you or ask her why she wants another child. give us live updates of her responses

If I was a millionaire and could afford a cleaner etc then yes I would love to have 4 or more kids. But my circumstances dictate that I'll never be able to have more than 2 without living on the breadline and having to take on a second job

But that's changing though Baby isn't it people can only claim for two children now (unless their children were born before April of this year)the welfare state is changing it's very different to how it was just a few years ago.

I love this OP..IF you are from a Culturally none white British it is ok, but otherwise not.