Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off at my DC being questioned at customs over whether I'm really their mother?

324 replies

Thumbeline · 31/07/2017 10:08

My DC have their father's surname. I now have my maiden name. I find it a bit sad that we don't have the same surname.

I have pretty much raised them single handedly.

DP and I have a baby, who has the same surname as DP, so I'm the only one in the family with a different surname.

We were returning to the UK from France the other day.

The customs official asked if we were a family. Yes, I replied. She then asked why we all have different surnames. It was so embarrassing. She asked if I had any proof I was the mother of my DC. I asked why, if I was abducting British children, from France, why I would be bringing them back to the UK, with their own passports...?

She then proceeded to cross question all the children. I was so angry and upset I could have cried.

OP posts:
Roomster101 · 31/07/2017 15:17

Were asked on return to the uk who he was traveling with.

It's even more ridiculous that they pay more attention to children with British passports coming into the UK than those leaving.

Lweji · 31/07/2017 15:19

It's even more ridiculous that they pay more attention to children with British passports coming into the UK than those leaving.

Probably because UK Passport control is more lax than in other countries.

Librarybooksandacoconut · 31/07/2017 15:19

Through work I have to call a lot of parents about their children. I'd say about 75% of mothers don't share their child's surname. I'd imagine it's lower nationally as we have a lot of families from cultures where women don't change their name on marriage. However it is incredibly common for children to have their father's name even when they don't have much contact. There is also a lot of mothers who have remarried, but their children have retained their father's surname. Plus you have lots of women like me who have actively not changed their name on marriage but dcs have their husband's name. From what I see everyday at work, a child's surname has very little to do with who their primary carer is.

Roomster101 · 31/07/2017 15:21

Probably because UK Passport control is more lax than in other countries.

They're not so lax on the way in though. They always look carefully at my children's passports and DH on the way in (although don't ask questions) but barely give us a glance on the way out.

Barbapapa1980 · 31/07/2017 15:21

I share my dc's surnames but I haven't change my name on my passport. I have been questioned in the past, they questioned the dc too. I just show their birth certificates et voila not a big deal. I prefer they ask questions to be honest.

Lweji · 31/07/2017 15:22

They always look carefully at my children's passports and DH on the way in (although don't ask questions) but barely give us a glance on the way out.
Ah, probably more concerned with illegal immigrants using false passports than with abductions from the UK.

PiratePanda · 31/07/2017 15:24

I have the same name on my passport as my husband and DS. On returning to the UK from Rome a couple of months ago, the immigration officer got DS to give me a big hug to check I really was his mum. I don't mind at all - I would rather they went overboard on child protection than turned a blind eye at child trafficking and parental kidnapping.

Montsti · 31/07/2017 15:34

Yabu and naive. I assume you don't travel much as this has been going on for years and rightly so...child trafficking and a parent fleeing with their children happens...

When we travel in and out of the country in which we live we have to travel with unabridged birth certificates for all our kids, my marriage certificate (even though we all have the same surname but because for some reason my maiden name is on 2 of my children's birth certs even though I was married when I had them..) and, if I'm not travelling with dh/their father, I need a signed affidavit from him for each child...

SpartacusSaiman · 31/07/2017 15:38

We are usually questioned when coming back into the UK.

Dh and i have the same surname and ge always with me. They usually ask the kids to confirm their names or how old they are.

I really cant see the issue. Iys like complain customs in the US are strict. If it really bothers people that much, dont go away.

SpiritedLondon · 31/07/2017 16:35

Roomster101 do you not think border forces have a job to identify children who are being brought into the country using passports that are not the child's. ( whether stolen or not ) Perhaps you remember Victoria Climbie who was brought to the UK using another girl's passport

Mia1415 · 31/07/2017 16:40

My DS and I have always been questioned and he has the same name and looks just like me (apart from being 4 and a boy!).

tinytemper66 · 31/07/2017 17:00

My son and I were travelling to Canada and both have same surnames. His name was flagged up as a child in the US was kidnapped around the same time we were travelling. We were made to stand aside whilst they checked the details of us both. The poor child kidnapped was of a different skin colour to my son so clearly wasn`t him, but we were advised to have a letter from my husband next time saying he gave permission for our son to leave British soil. I often wonder about the child in question.

Roomster101 · 31/07/2017 17:23

Roomster101 do you not think border forces have a job to identify children who are being brought into the country using passports that are not the child's. ( whether stolen or not )

Obviously, they do but they shouldn't pay more attention to children with British passports who are returning versus leaving.Hmm

MongerTruffle · 31/07/2017 17:32

If anyone needs it, here's a template for a letter of consent (drafted by the Home Office):

Gov.uk link

TheSnowFairy · 31/07/2017 17:48

DH and I have 3 DC's.

Every time we go abroad (all 5 of us), despite looking very much like me and DH and us all having the same surname, the children are asked if we are their parents.

It's not because you have different surnames - ime they do it to everyone.

Roomster101 · 31/07/2017 17:54

It's not because you have different surnames - ime they do it to everyone.

They don't. It has never happened to me and DH when travelling with the children (they have the same surname).

TheSnowFairy · 31/07/2017 18:06

roomster ime = in my experience

coddiwomple · 31/07/2017 18:08

Fine roomster, but it has happened to many families travelling together, same surname and all. Obviously it doesn't happen to "every single family", but it's common enough.

Seriously, we are on high terrorist alert, this is the busiest travelling time for families, customer officers have neither the time nor the will to care if Ms Thumbeline is single/married/divorced or has chosen/refused to take her kids father name. They are just doing a routine check.

Why the need to be upset, angry and cry if they ask a few questions? God forbid you are being asked to open your suitcases so they can check the content. Friend had to remove her baby's nappy so they could check. Really, not a big deal, no-one was upset.

DoesHeWantToOrNot · 31/07/2017 18:39

I'm divorced so my maiden name is on my dd birth certificate but my passport is still in my married name. What would I need to take? She has her dad's surname and he'd probably be with us but incase he wasn't.

I'm guessing her bc and my divorce certificate to show why my name is different etc?

Sn0tnose · 31/07/2017 18:49

People are complaining about the policy rather than undividuals who are mindlessly following the policy as part of the job. Are you under the impression that Border Force officers have the option to ignore their training, as well as policy and guidelines, when it becomes clear that it's annoying to travellers? Or if they disagree with it? Or if they think they know a better way to go about it?

OP, I can guarantee that Border Force could not give a shiny shite if you have ten different kids by ten different fathers, all with different surnames. They don't care if you are married, unmarried or if you're in a polygamous marriage. They aren't making any moral judgements about your life choices or your decision to take/not take someone's surname. The only thing that they care about is that everyone is correctly documented and that there are no indications that anyone (child or adult) is being trafficked.

SpartacusSaiman · 31/07/2017 18:50

They don't. It has never happened to me and DH when travelling with the children (they have the same surname).

It happens to us and we have the same surname.

coddiwomple · 31/07/2017 18:51

I am guessing the same applies

It also helps if you’ve:

evidence of your relationship with the child, eg a birth or adoption certificate
a divorce or marriage certificate, if you are a single parent but your family name is different from the child’s

www.gov.uk/permission-take-child-abroad

coddiwomple · 31/07/2017 18:52

sorry DoesHeWantToOrNot didn't mean for my post to sound unfriendly, just replying, I think you are right, but someone else might have more info.

Nearlythere1 · 31/07/2017 18:57

shouldn't have given the kid the man's name in the first place. I dont know why so many women are so wedded to this archaic tradition.

coddiwomple · 31/07/2017 19:04

children need a name when they are born, I can't see anything wrong in giving them their father's!

If a child has the mother's name and she dies or parents divorce, then it's the dad who will have issues at the borders. It doesn't really solve anything.