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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off at my DC being questioned at customs over whether I'm really their mother?

324 replies

Thumbeline · 31/07/2017 10:08

My DC have their father's surname. I now have my maiden name. I find it a bit sad that we don't have the same surname.

I have pretty much raised them single handedly.

DP and I have a baby, who has the same surname as DP, so I'm the only one in the family with a different surname.

We were returning to the UK from France the other day.

The customs official asked if we were a family. Yes, I replied. She then asked why we all have different surnames. It was so embarrassing. She asked if I had any proof I was the mother of my DC. I asked why, if I was abducting British children, from France, why I would be bringing them back to the UK, with their own passports...?

She then proceeded to cross question all the children. I was so angry and upset I could have cried.

OP posts:
Roomster101 · 31/07/2017 14:43

The letter with permission to travel seems like a dopey thing to carry too. Unless a solicitor has been involved with it, surely anyone could write one for you. How are border control supposed to know the children's father wrote it?

hiimmumma · 31/07/2017 14:43

It's annoying and it happened to me.
I have double barrelled so my name contains DS's name but isn't the same name technically. And they STILL asked me. They also tried to ask him questions but he was 7months old so didn't get very far.
Annoying because the only reason I got married changed my name was to avoid this.
BUT I know why and I know they have to and they really don't care about your life or are making any judgments. They are just doing a job.

Anatidae · 31/07/2017 14:44

It has to be notarised officially - it's not something you'd whip up on your computer. It's a legal document.

gillybeanz · 31/07/2017 14:45

My dd was stopped and asked about us being her parents, we have the same name.
I'm glad they do this if it results in fewer abductions.
after questioning we were walking off and the man shouted my dd name we supposed to see if she turned round.
It didn't work though as she didn't hear him, so i had to nudge her anyway Grin

Roomster101 · 31/07/2017 14:46

They are just doing a job.

People are complaining about the policy rather than undividuals who are mindlessly following the policy as part of the job.

hiimmumma · 31/07/2017 14:47

I remember going to America with my dad (not mum) when I was 11 or 12 and being asked all sorts of questions at border control like who I was with and where we were going. I was a shy child and got all flustered it was awful.
But it's not a new thing clearly.
And we have the same name too.

SpaghettiAndMeatballs · 31/07/2017 14:47

No, people with the same name as a child do still get questioned. But travelling with a child with a different name increases the odds that the child is not yours, so you are probably more likely to be questioned.

Does it though - didn't I read that 50% of children are born to unmarried mothers these days? Doesn't that mean 50% of parents are very likely to have a different surname to their kids?

user1497480444 · 31/07/2017 14:47

I don't understand the shock horror we keep getting on Mumsnet when their children are questioned at border control.

Thats what border control is for.

I've been questioned, and we have the same sir name.

Any one can be questioned/

It is more likely if you are one adult travelling alone with children, and it is more likely if the children do not have the same sir name as an adult travelling with them.

But it can be anyone, anytime.

BritInUS1 · 31/07/2017 14:47

YABU they are just doing their jobs

SpaghettiAndMeatballs · 31/07/2017 14:48

It has to be notarised officially - it's not something you'd whip up on your computer. It's a legal document.

Yes it can - pop online and you can have it in the post 3 days later for the princely sum of £35 - I know because I've done it. You don't even actually need that.

hiimmumma · 31/07/2017 14:49

@Roomster101
Yes I get that but OP and others seem to be expressing that they felt judged and embarrassed I thought.

SpaghettiAndMeatballs · 31/07/2017 14:49

It has to be notarised officially - it's not something you'd whip up on your computer. It's a legal document.

Yes it can - pop online and you can have it in the post 3 days later for the princely sum of £35 - I know because I've done it. You don't even actually need that.

UGH! Sorry! Cancel all that I totally got my wires crossed.

Roomster101 · 31/07/2017 14:50

It has to be notarised officially - it's not something you'd whip up on your computer. It's a legal document.

It bet that many people are just whipping up a letter on their computer and signing it. This website www.gov.uk/permission-take-child-abroad doesn't say anything about getting the letter notarised officially.

user1497480444 · 31/07/2017 14:50

Doesn't that mean 50% of parents are very likely to have a different surname to their kids?

no, for two reasons.

Firstly with unmarried mothers who are living apart at the time of the child's birth, the children will most likely take the mothers sir name, be raised by the mother, and travel with the mother.

secondly, crossing borders inevitably means entering a different country, and in many other countries, most children are born to married parents, and/or take double barreled names.

buntingqueen · 31/07/2017 14:52

My DD was questioned by customs about who I, her dad and her brother were. We are married and all have the same surname. I found it a bit strange, but wa actually really pleased that they were so vigilant. Don't take it personally, I guess they are just a bit more careful when you go through with a child with a different surname, but they do question others too.

bimbobaggins · 31/07/2017 14:53

I have a different surname from my son and travelled to Australia last year with a notorised letter from his father but Australian immigration didn't bat an eyelid ( customs certainly not interested because they are only dealing with goods being taken into the country) . Were asked on return to the uk who he was traveling with.
I'd much rather be asked a few questions just to be on the safe side.

JeffreySadsacIsUnwell · 31/07/2017 14:57

My DD was 3 and going through a contrary phase when customs asked her who I was. One eyebrow was raised scornfully, lower lip stuck out and "Daddy!" announced with defiance.

I nearly died of embarrassment (and I must admit, fear that we were going to be taken aside for questioning just to teach us a lesson), but the man's mouth twitched, his eyes twinkled and he said "and where is Mummy?" Sure enough DD pointed to DH and said "there!", daring anyone to disagree. Customs man said "of course she is!" and waved us on.

Never work with children or animals, they say... I feel sorry for the border staff, having to take account of children's confusion, shyness, miscomorehension and plain contrariness. How the hell do they work out the truth?

SylviaPoe · 31/07/2017 15:00

Some children born to unmarried mothers will have fathers who never see the children and don't have parental responsibility anyway.

WoofTweetWoofTweetWoofWoofWoof · 31/07/2017 15:03

It just seems so ridiculous that these days children's passports don't carry details on who has parental permission for them

In some countries they do. Our children's passports have a section for who must be present with them when they travel. We were given the option of them having to be accompanied by a specific one of us (good for people with untrustworthy partners or ex-partners) or being allowed to travel in the company of either one of us, which is what we chose.

If we ever want them to travel alone or with somebody else, we'll have to get a special form and sign it and get the signatures notarised, etc.

Floralnomad · 31/07/2017 15:05

YABU , and as a pp said if you had just answered with yes / no etc instead of trying to debate with the customs person she probably wouldn't have spoken to the children at all . Fwiw , my sister has travelled through airports / Eurostar terminals with my dc since they were small and she never once got asked why she was with dc with different surnames .

SylviaPoe · 31/07/2017 15:06

didn't I read that 50% of children are born to unmarried mothers these days? Doesn't that mean 50% of parents are very likely to have a different surname to their kids?

Let's say (although not precise) that 50% of kids are born to parents of the same name and 50% to parents with different names.

That would mean that 75% of parents have the same name as their child.

Of the 25% of parents who have a different name to their child, they are more likely than the average parent to be non contact, low contact or not have parental responsibility.

SylviaPoe · 31/07/2017 15:06

Sorry, my first sentence should have been in quote marks.

Minkyfluffster · 31/07/2017 15:11

YABU, I was asked about this going to Ireland with my DD, just answered the questions and cracked on with my day.

I would rather that they ask tbh. Tell everyone that you know that they do.

babybarrister · 31/07/2017 15:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

manhowdy · 31/07/2017 15:15

This happened to me when I flew back from Asia with my then young son. I had recently married and changed my name but hadn't changed his yet. I thought it was good of them, tbh.

We arrived at the same time as a flight from Pakistan where I witnessed a young boy - maybe 3 - being separated from a woman and man who were claiming to be his parents but who it turned out, as it played out in front of me, were lying. The lady claiming to be mum didn't count on the customs officer understanding her native language as she spoke to others in her group.

Believe it or not, the boy didn't have any documents either. Yet he'd got all the way to Heathrow.