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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off at my DC being questioned at customs over whether I'm really their mother?

324 replies

Thumbeline · 31/07/2017 10:08

My DC have their father's surname. I now have my maiden name. I find it a bit sad that we don't have the same surname.

I have pretty much raised them single handedly.

DP and I have a baby, who has the same surname as DP, so I'm the only one in the family with a different surname.

We were returning to the UK from France the other day.

The customs official asked if we were a family. Yes, I replied. She then asked why we all have different surnames. It was so embarrassing. She asked if I had any proof I was the mother of my DC. I asked why, if I was abducting British children, from France, why I would be bringing them back to the UK, with their own passports...?

She then proceeded to cross question all the children. I was so angry and upset I could have cried.

OP posts:
DoesHeWantToOrNot · 31/07/2017 19:06

No you didn't coddi.

Right now I'm Miss X

Dd is Miss Y
Dp is Mr Y

But my passport is still Mrs A.

I've only not changed my passport back to my maiden name as it costs too much and it's still valid just now.

Holly6474 · 31/07/2017 19:16

I've been questioned before travelling from LA to London. I had DP's DCs with me and an unrelated child whom I had custody of at the time. Am very glad both I and the DCs were questioned tbh.

Footle · 31/07/2017 19:42

This first happened to me and my small child about 30 years ago. Same surname, different colouring. We'd already had a long journey and he was sleepy - perhaps that was seen as a red flag?

Roomster101 · 31/07/2017 19:45

Are you under the impression that Border Force officers have the option to ignore their training, as well as policy and guidelines, when it becomes clear that it's annoying to travellers? Or if they disagree with it? Or if they think they know a better way to go about it?

No, I am not under that impression they should ignore their training. I am criticising the training or policy rather than the officers themselves.

Roomster101 · 31/07/2017 20:09

Fine roomster, but it has happened to many families travelling together, same surname and all. Obviously it doesn't happen to "every single family", but it's common enough.

I am not suggesting that no family with the same surname has ever been questioned. However, It is clear that those with the same surname are much less likely to be questioned than those who don't which shouldn't be the case. Everyone should be questioned or asked to produce evidence of parentage regardless of surname. Alternatively, modern technology should be used to ascertain whether some one is the parent etc...

Seriously, we are on high terrorist alert, this is the busiest travelling time for families, customer officers have neither the time nor the will to care if Ms Thumbeline is single/married/divorced or has chosen/refused to take her kids father name. They are just doing a routine check.

All the more reason to be consistent and not use surnames or documents which are easy to fake such as letters of permission.

Booboostwo · 31/07/2017 20:28

YANBU because the entire line of questioning is pointless.

If someone went as far as trafficking children they are unlikely to draw the line at forging a birth certificate. If they were stupid enough to use airline travel you'd assume they were able to terrorise or indoctrinate the child into compliance.

To add further idiocy, birth certificates come in all languages , languages which passport control officials cannot read.
I showed my DD's perfectly valid but Greek birth certificate which entirely satisfied the British official, despite the fact that, for all he knew, I could have been showing him a shopping list.

As for abducted children a permission letter is even easier to forge than a birth certificate...as is having an accomplice at the end fand the phone pretending to be the other parent.

Child trafficking and abduction are horrific crimes, let's treat them seriously by enacting effective measures against them.

coddiwomple · 31/07/2017 20:43

YANBU because the entire line of questioning is pointless

but it's not. That's the thing. Officers are trained to read people reactions when they ask apparently random or boring questions. It's not foul proof by all means, but it does get results.

It's might not be enough, but they have successfully stopped enough people who were committing one crime or another to show that it does work.

Sn0tnose · 31/07/2017 20:44

No, I am not under that impression they should ignore their training. I am criticising the training or policy rather than the officers themselves.

Ah, I see. I think my confusion arose when you described Border Force officers as individuals mindlessly following policy. Silly me.

diddl · 31/07/2017 20:45

"Alternatively, modern technology should be used to ascertain whether some one is the parent etc..."

Yes-you'd think that passport numbers could be linked.

Spangles1963 · 31/07/2017 20:49

It makes me SO angry when I read things like this. Where have these people been living for the last 20 years or so? Do they not realise that it's fairly common not to have the same surname as your kids these days? This is the main reason I did not revert to my maiden name when I got divorced as I just knew that it would cause problems having a different surname to my DD. People kept asking 'Why are you still Mrs. X? Why don't you go back to your maiden name?' I got heartily tired of explaining. Not to mention all the hassle of having to register my change of name with my bank,doctor,dentist,hospital,school etc and having to provide PROOF that I'd changed it.

YellowLawn · 31/07/2017 20:56

It makes me SO angry when I read things like this. Where have these people been living for the last 20 years or so? Do they not realise that it's fairly common not to have the same surname as your kids these days?

why? adults with children of the same name get questioned just as well. and rightly so.

Ktown · 31/07/2017 20:58

I get it every time we go abroad.
It is because of child trafficking with dodgy aunts.
At least someone is trying to keep an eye out for kids - it isn't about you personally.

sixinthebedandthelittleonesaid · 31/07/2017 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Booboostwo · 31/07/2017 21:13

they have successfully stopped enough people...

Care to offer some statistics as to how many abducted and trafficked children have been rescued during routine passport control questioning?

coddiwomple · 31/07/2017 21:26

I wasn't talking about child trafficking only. For the cases that have been released to the media, you can just google them. Others have been kept more discreet for various reasons.

The thread (and my replies) were not even about the merits of the current measures, it was a reply to the OP I was so angry and upset I could have cried. face to a completely routine questioning. Questioning that exists for a reason!

babybarrister · 31/07/2017 21:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

babybarrister · 31/07/2017 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lljkk · 31/07/2017 22:01

I have different surname from DC & it wouldn't bother me in the slightest if border control asked a load of questions.

I'd be annoyed if DC disowned me when asked. Now that problem would be worthy of a 300 post thread Grin.

LightDrizzle · 31/07/2017 22:05

YABU.
My daughter's wheelchair is usually very carefully checked and swabbed. My daughter is severely disabled and can't speak. So I suppose the inference is that I might be exploiting her vulnerability to use her as a mule for drugs or explosives. Pretty offensive, except they don't know me from Adam and a very few people do commit horrific acts so I'm glad they are trying to prevent them. It's hardly personal.

justtiredofcoping · 31/07/2017 22:34

OP am totally with you - it is sexist and if they were protecting children then they would ask all parents but they do not- it is always women.

My 2 have their fathers surname - we are still married. I did not change my surname when I married. Dad is also not British.

I never got asked then about 3 yrs ago - it all went mental. I did carry their birth certs, then got told I needed my marriage cert. Immigration officials have told me - I am a bad mother for not changing my name, a poor wife, that in their culture I would have the children taken away. Last week got the usual bollocks and sanctimonious idiot then proceeds to give me the once over, loads of questions and says if you had birth cert it would help.

I point out his screen shows they travel with my and have done for the whole time and on the 2 occasions their father has taken them away - he has not been asked. Jobsworth says well, no, he has the same surname, why would we stop him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FFS - he is not British his family all live overseas, he does not live with his children - who is more of an abduction risk but don't fecking worry they have the same surname - such a not safe useless system.

I now refuse to carry my marriage, birth certs etc - you can look at my phone and see the 100s of fotos fo all of us and use your common sense. Like one guy did - looked at kids and said - who is this, pointing at me?

I do not need some fake moralistic crap thrown at me everytime I travel and their feckless cheating wanker of father gets nothing because he ash the same surname.

Passport
Birth cert
Marriage cert
Letter from their father
Solictors letter
Court order
Copy of council tax to prove I live in the UK

Am done with the bollocks - all I legally need is a passport and that is what I take

justtiredofcoping · 31/07/2017 22:37

If you produce one they want something more - it is a recommendation to carry something not the law.

user1497480444 · 31/07/2017 22:38

OP am totally with you - it is sexist and if they were protecting children then they would ask all parents but they do not- it is always women

it isn't sexist, they do ask all parents , and it most certainly isn't always the women

justtiredofcoping · 31/07/2017 22:45

All or none - have no issue with being asked if it is across the board- and cut the moralising I am done with being given the cultural lectures.

Recently travelled with cousins - one has US passport, one Canadian, my 2 were on their Oz passport ( because their DF had lost their others on his last trip) and I was on another.

Immigration official just looked at me and said - do I want to ask - 4 parents all different nationalities various lost passports /out of date etc - sorry this does not look great - he just laughed and said good luck - god help yu if you lose any of them!

SpiritedLondon · 31/07/2017 23:05

Do you seriously think the border forces have the resources to question every parent/adult travelling with a child? Their primary function is to try and protect the borders from threats coming in whether that's drugs, extremists, other offenders ( including child traffickers) What do you think the profile of a child trafficker is? Do you think by any chance it might be a woman? Or is it possible that traffickers will employ a woman to travel with the child? The whole system was not designed to make the lives of women difficult and it may be an imperfect system but it's not personal. ( and if you choose to travel without docs despite knowing the potential to be stopped then more fool you.., the only person to be inconvenienced will you you and your child)

Lweji · 31/07/2017 23:08

Don't Passport Control people pick up cues from the people they meet?

For some it may be obvious that the children are at ease and call the adult mum or dad. I'd guess they keep an eye on people before they even reach their desks.
If it's not obvious, then they will ask a few questions to see how the people and the children respond.