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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have cleaned DS's room? Dh thinks so.

161 replies

NormaDesmondsEyebrows · 30/07/2017 22:27

For context, DH is currently working up to 70hrs a week and has just finished this evening (wfh). So he's understandably crabby.

I was pootling about upstairs and went in to put some clean washing in ds1's room (he's 14, 15 next month). I usually let him get on with it but it was stinky and I couldn't see the floor so I quickly stripped and remade his bed and cleared the floor. It took less than 10 minutes.

Dh was in the shower after finishing work and came out just as I was finishing up. DS was downstairs watching a film, which is rare and why I had the opportunity to do his room.

Dh lost his shit. He's usually very very placid and this is about the third time in ten years I've seen him go off like this. He told me to stop and said he was furious I'd done it, called ds up and basically shouted at him for a good five to ten minutes about how selfish and disgusting it is to put it off for so long that I have to do it. I didn't realise that he'd asked him to do it earlier before he went out with his mates.

Dh says that ds has had all day every day since last week to do it, that I have enough else to do, that he himself has no free time and finds it disgusting that ds is sitting watching tv while I'm cleaning his room.

I feel fucking awful now. I've got ds in trouble, Dh thinks I'm a mug (he said that several times) and I've undermined him although not on purpose.

This is really out of character for Dh, as I say he almost never raises his voice or gets really cross. He's gone to bed now and I've come downstairs to watch the Handmaids Tale and have a bit of a cry. Although he was shouting at ds, he was cross with me and I feel like I've dropped a massive bollock. He also dropped in that he'd asked me to sort his floordrobe out this week and I haven't got round to it yet, and that it's not fair I'm 'having' to do DS's room and haven't done his stuff.

I feel like utter shit. I couldn't leave DS's room as it was after seeing it, but Dh said I'm enabling him and not teaching him anything. I said I'm teaching him that it's a five minute job (when he does ever tidy it it takes hours and hours of chivvying and procrastination).

Was I unreasonable?

OP posts:
ClopySow · 30/07/2017 22:28

No. And tell him to sort out his own fucking floordrobe.

dementedpixie · 30/07/2017 22:30

His floordrobe? Why can't he sort it himself? Was he just jealous you did ds's rather than his

Allthebestnamesareused · 30/07/2017 22:31

Haha - you haven't sorted HIS floordrove!!! Leave it for him!

Explain when he has calmed down that if you had realised that he'd asked DS to do it you wouldn't have but as you didn't know then it's done now!

McButtonwillow · 30/07/2017 22:32

Hypocritical much? He's having a go at you for tidying up after your ds while having the audacity to complain you haven't done the same for him?

I'd be telling him to fuck the fuck off frankly.

PuntasticUsername · 30/07/2017 22:32

"He also dropped in that he'd asked me to sort his floordrobe out this week and I haven't got round to it yet, and that it's not fair I'm 'having' to do DS's room and haven't done his stuff."

So that's his real issue, then - it's not about DS learning to sort his own stuff, it's not concern for your workload, it's annoyance because he thinks he should be first in line for someone else picking up his sweaty kecks?

YANBU and your DH doesn't come out of this sounding particularly good, 70 weeks or no.

PuntasticUsername · 30/07/2017 22:33

Er 70 hour weeks, that is...

Original poster
NormaDesmondsEyebrows · 30/07/2017 22:34

To be completely fair about the floordrobe, he mentioned it earlier this week and I said I'd get round to it. I'm a SAHM and he literally works all hours so I don't mind at all, and he never ever demands I do anything. But when he dropped it in in this context it felt a bit spiteful, if I'm honest. And yes, jealous. I'm trying to be considerate of the fact he's tired and crabby but I get the feeling quite a lot of resentment cane out in his little rant.

OP posts:
IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 30/07/2017 22:34
Confused

I really can't get my head around your H's thinking.

He expects you to sort out his "floordrobe" but then gives you a bollicking for doing the same for your son.

You say he hardly ever shouts at you but is he controlling? Because he sounds like it.

Mychildcouldnotbreaatfeed · 30/07/2017 22:35

Holy fuck. What a knob.

MommaGee · 30/07/2017 22:35

So the real issue is he wanted you to do goes stiff not DS's.

Is give him a pass tonight if he's exhausted but i'd tell him tomorrow that he doesn't get to talk down to you. That he definatelt doesn't do it in front of DS. And that you are not his housekeepe so he can do his own wardrobe

Sittinginthesun · 30/07/2017 22:35

Hang on, he is shouting at you for tidying DS's stuff, because you haven't tidied his up yet? A floordrobe?

I'm afraid, I would laugh in his face and tell him to sort out his own floordrobe out.

Original poster
NormaDesmondsEyebrows · 30/07/2017 22:36

He really really isn't controlling, I want to make that clear. He is genuinely a lovely guy and works very hard for us all. But we never row and I'm now wondering just how much resentment he's been hanging on to really.

I just feel really shitty right now.

OP posts:
IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 30/07/2017 22:36

You need to chat to him when he isn't tired. Explain how awful he made you feel and ask why he was so bloody nasty.

dementedpixie · 30/07/2017 22:37

Why should you have to pick his crap up even if you are a sahm?. I am as well but i expect dirty washing to go in the washing basket or it won't get washed. I'm not responsible for sorting out dhs stuff

RJnomore1 · 30/07/2017 22:37

I dunno, I get totally pissed off because I ask my kids to do things then I find dh doing them. We both work a lot and it's currently summer holidays, I think they should be helping out.

I reckon he can handle his own clothes though. He's a grown up.

ImperialBlether · 30/07/2017 22:37

I agree with him - your son was taking the piss. He was watching TV while you cleaned up his mess. Your husband, while he's unreasonable having a floordrobe, he's not sitting on his arse, he's making money for the family. He asked you to help him, and you prioritised your lazy son instead.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 30/07/2017 22:38

Working long hours is no excuse to have a floordrobe.
It takes seconds to chuck clothes in laundry or fold them over a chair

Sittinginthesun · 30/07/2017 22:38

He's tired. He's taking it out on both of you.

Leave it for tonight, but don't feel bad. You haven't done a thing wrong. This is his problem.

And, tomorrow, stick a big laundry basket where his floordrobe is, and ask him just to chuck everything in there instead.

Mychildcouldnotbreaatfeed · 30/07/2017 22:38

Why the fuck are you doing a floorbrobe for a workaholic? Get him to spend less time fuckig working and pull his weight at home! Gosh I'm fuming on your behalf.

LindyHemming · 30/07/2017 22:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MargaretTwatyer · 30/07/2017 22:39

So hang on, he's working 70 hour weeks (which presumably you financially benefit from) and he asked you to help him out with something he doesn't have time to do? And you haven't done that but you have done exactly the same thing for DS who is doing fuck all all day long?

I can understand him being a bit pissed off tbh. Both I and DH occasionally have periods when we put in very long hours and need the other to pick up slack at home. I think both of us would be disappointed if our partner chose not to support us when we were busy doing something that benefitted the entire family but helped out someone who simply couldn't be arsed instead.

BarbarianMum · 30/07/2017 22:39

It depends really.
On what your job is.
On why he's working 70 hour weeks.

If it's his job to earn the money and yours to keep the home I can see why he's annoyed you are prioritising clearing up your sons stuff and not is (generally I'd say you shouldn't have to clean up after him but 70 hour weeks are a killer). The shouting is completely OTT though.

But if he's generally not like this then I'd chalk it up to exhaustion and talk to him tomorrow.

MyheartbelongstoG · 30/07/2017 22:40

He sounds like a bully.

A five/ten min rant was uncalled for.

Are you always this submissive?

PollyBanana · 30/07/2017 22:40

If your son is 14 going on 15 he should be able to keep his room decent.
Why didn't you ask /tell DS to come up and help you sort his pit out?

annandale · 30/07/2017 22:40

It's a bad night. Leave it for now. Yes your ds should be doing his room, so should mine, sometimes I do help him. I don't altogether blame your dh for being a bit fed up that you hadn't got around to a job you'd said you'd be able to do. At bottom though, nothing makes me angrier with ds than when he demonstratesaid that he has learned my own bad habits. A grown man shouldn't really have a floordrobe (I have one), he's making unnecessary work for himself, except that you're doing it...