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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have cleaned DS's room? Dh thinks so.

161 replies

NormaDesmondsEyebrows · 30/07/2017 22:27

For context, DH is currently working up to 70hrs a week and has just finished this evening (wfh). So he's understandably crabby.

I was pootling about upstairs and went in to put some clean washing in ds1's room (he's 14, 15 next month). I usually let him get on with it but it was stinky and I couldn't see the floor so I quickly stripped and remade his bed and cleared the floor. It took less than 10 minutes.

Dh was in the shower after finishing work and came out just as I was finishing up. DS was downstairs watching a film, which is rare and why I had the opportunity to do his room.

Dh lost his shit. He's usually very very placid and this is about the third time in ten years I've seen him go off like this. He told me to stop and said he was furious I'd done it, called ds up and basically shouted at him for a good five to ten minutes about how selfish and disgusting it is to put it off for so long that I have to do it. I didn't realise that he'd asked him to do it earlier before he went out with his mates.

Dh says that ds has had all day every day since last week to do it, that I have enough else to do, that he himself has no free time and finds it disgusting that ds is sitting watching tv while I'm cleaning his room.

I feel fucking awful now. I've got ds in trouble, Dh thinks I'm a mug (he said that several times) and I've undermined him although not on purpose.

This is really out of character for Dh, as I say he almost never raises his voice or gets really cross. He's gone to bed now and I've come downstairs to watch the Handmaids Tale and have a bit of a cry. Although he was shouting at ds, he was cross with me and I feel like I've dropped a massive bollock. He also dropped in that he'd asked me to sort his floordrobe out this week and I haven't got round to it yet, and that it's not fair I'm 'having' to do DS's room and haven't done his stuff.

I feel like utter shit. I couldn't leave DS's room as it was after seeing it, but Dh said I'm enabling him and not teaching him anything. I said I'm teaching him that it's a five minute job (when he does ever tidy it it takes hours and hours of chivvying and procrastination).

Was I unreasonable?

OP posts:
Silverdream · 30/07/2017 22:41

70 hours every week is a huge amount. We are allowed to be cross and crabby every now and then. Talk to him. To me it's not working out if he needs to work 70 hours for you to stay home.

Mychildcouldnotbreaatfeed · 30/07/2017 22:41

I'm assuming you have other kids if you're a SAHM. if all your kids are at school then really you should get a job and your husband should do less hours. And could you both share the household chores more evenly.

And DS needs a boot up the backside for being a lazy shite and taking the piss and not doing what his father told him (assuming DH is his dad)

jay55 · 30/07/2017 22:43

So Dad chucks his clothes on the floor and expects his wife to sort it, and son follows his example?
Total hypocrite.
Shouting at you about it just isn't on.

ijustwannadance · 30/07/2017 22:43

Like father, like son.
Tell him to lead by fucking example.
Why can't he pick up after himself and sort his own bloody floordrobe out if it only takes 5 minutes?Hmm

PodgeBod · 30/07/2017 22:44

I'm sorry but I agree with your DH. Your son went out after he was told to clean his room. That's just disrespectful. At almost 15 he should be embarrassed to have his mum picking up his room like a toddler.
It's not your fault that you didn't know your son had been asked, but I would be fuming if I was your DH.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 30/07/2017 22:44

I think both of us would be disappointed if our partner chose not to support us when we were busy doing something that benefitted the entire family but helped out someone who simply couldn't be arsed instead.

Hmm we're talking here, about a grown man having a tantrum because his wife's didn't pick up HIS clothes. That has nothing to do with "supporting your partner"

Smurfy23 · 30/07/2017 22:45

I was on DH's side until the floordrobe part...he might work 70 hours a week but making a mess and expecting someone else to tidy it up is never on. Its also not a great example to set for DS...

Original poster
NormaDesmondsEyebrows · 30/07/2017 22:45

I only haven't done the floordrobe of doom because I haven't got round to it yet. It's mainly clean clothes or worn once, it just needs putting away. Since he's been working so much I have taken responsibility for everything at home, and I don't mind at all. And he's generally very laid back about it, I'm an all or nothing housekeeper so it's either utter chaos or cleaning the skirting boards with a toothbrush depending on my state of mind. I had a five minute bustle of energy doing DS's room. I probably should have focused it on DH's clothes but that's not how I work.

Ds is a lazy shit at home but he's a lovely kid, works hard at school, gives us no grief at all, helps out when asked. He's just completely shit at tidying his room, always has been. Tbh it's always been easier for me to pop in and do five minutes when it's starting to really hum, because he tends to tidy by shoving stuff under his bed/desk. I'd probably be doing him more of a favour by making him do it but I'd rather play to his strengths. Dd keeps her room immaculate but gives us no end of drama every single day, so it's swings and roundabouts.

OP posts:
RainbowPastel · 30/07/2017 22:46

He sounds like a big bully. Your son is a child who you should be helping. Your DH is supposed to be an adult but doesn't seem to act like one.

CoughLaughFart · 30/07/2017 22:46

If your son is old enough to do his own chores, he's too old to be 'in trouble' with his dad. I'd have told my dad to fuck off at that age.

Mychildcouldnotbreaatfeed · 30/07/2017 22:48

But if you're a SAHM how many kids and what ages have you to see to?

Because it sounds as if you have a lot on your plate since you say you have taken responsibility for everything at home which makes me feel that you must be running after a lot of kids or have very young ones. Which is a tough gig.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 30/07/2017 22:49

Dh lost his shit
He told me to stop and said he was furious I'd done it, called ds up and basically shouted at him for a good five to ten minutes

I cannot believe posters are saying they are on the H's side.

You ought to be ashamed of yourselves if you think that is acceptable behaviour for any parent.

ChasingHighs · 30/07/2017 22:50

Not a chance I'd sort his floordrobe out.I don't care how many hours he works.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 30/07/2017 22:50

Sounds like a straw and camels back

He is tired and people crack

Breathe ..... Flowers

ChasingHighs · 30/07/2017 22:51

And I don't think he should have yelled at his son for that long either.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 30/07/2017 22:51

I would lose my shit after a 70 hour week

Not that is right . Or anything to shout about by the way and he should apologise

But fatigue and stress ain't great

Original poster
NormaDesmondsEyebrows · 30/07/2017 22:52

Oh and re the 70hrs/SAHM thing, I don't work because a) my MH is shit and b) I would only earn min wage and the childcare would wipe it out (also have a 5yo). He usually works a comfy 37hrs but has been full tilt for the last 7 months on a stupid project at work, should be done by September. When I did work, either full or part time, he's always done more than his fair share. We agreed when it became obvious he'd have to do all this overtime that I would become 1950s housewife extraordinaire. And I don't mind at all, although I do not like being micro managed. His floordrobe has been just fine for weeks, it can wait another day.

OP posts:
Mychildcouldnotbreaatfeed · 30/07/2017 22:53

To be fair that kind of shouting is totally out of order. He had no right to do that especially not to an almost 15. That's not exactly good parenting right there.

But. Is he at the end if the tether with the 15 year old? Surely you have a family rule about doing as you're told ? You must do - because DH told him to do his room before he went out with his mates.

Do you think that's going to work going forward as your son gets older?

Your DH does sound a bit dracnonian. Perhaps you should leave the shit pit and stop giving your son a hard time for not being perfectly tidy like your daughter?

I think your DH needs to have a rethink on his approach and no way would I be staying if he shouted at me like you describe. That's a warning sign for abuse in my book.

Rhubarbtart9 · 30/07/2017 22:54

DH clearly over reacted and should sort out his own floordrobe. However you weren't teaching your son that the job can be done in 5 minutes. You were disempowering him and female role modelling badly. Of course a 14 year old should keep their own room tidy.

Original poster
NormaDesmondsEyebrows · 30/07/2017 22:54

All three kids usually at school so I have a charmed life really. But, you know, school holidays .

OP posts:
ChasingHighs · 30/07/2017 22:55

Maybe if your D'S saw his dad clean his own shit up it might set him a better example

HeddaGarbled · 30/07/2017 22:56

Working long hours or not, no adult should be dropping clean or once worn clothes on the floor for someone else to pick up and put away. You are not his servant and it is disrespectful of him to expect this of you. It takes seconds to put something on a hanger, in a drawer or in the laundry basket. You say you don't mind but you should mind. I repeat, you are not his servant. Now stop feeling guilty and sad and start feeling badly treated, which you have been.

Mychildcouldnotbreaatfeed · 30/07/2017 22:56

Where were your other kids whilst your DH was doing this yelling?

PodgeBod · 30/07/2017 22:56

Genuinely don't see what's wrong with giving a 14 year old a bollocking after you've asked nicely and been ignored Confused as long as you're not screaming or being threatening, of course.

MothertotheLordsofmisrule · 30/07/2017 22:56

Yes your son should clean his room, when he leaves home he will need to be responsible for his own tidying.

However how long does it take to put away/hang up something if you want to wear again? 10 seconds?
I think even a 70 hour week worker could manage that.