To have cleaned DS's room? Dh thinks so.

[NormaDesmondsEyebrows]

For context, DH is currently working up to 70hrs a week and has just finished this evening (wfh). So he's understandably crabby.

I was pootling about upstairs and went in to put some clean washing in ds1's room (he's 14, 15 next month). I usually let him get on with it but it was stinky and I couldn't see the floor so I quickly stripped and remade his bed and cleared the floor. It took less than 10 minutes.

Dh was in the shower after finishing work and came out just as I was finishing up. DS was downstairs watching a film, which is rare and why I had the opportunity to do his room.

Dh lost his shit. He's usually very very placid and this is about the third time in ten years I've seen him go off like this. He told me to stop and said he was furious I'd done it, called ds up and basically shouted at him for a good five to ten minutes about how selfish and disgusting it is to put it off for so long that I have to do it. I didn't realise that he'd asked him to do it earlier before he went out with his mates.

Dh says that ds has had all day every day since last week to do it, that I have enough else to do, that he himself has no free time and finds it disgusting that ds is sitting watching tv while I'm cleaning his room.

I feel fucking awful now. I've got ds in trouble, Dh thinks I'm a mug (he said that several times) and I've undermined him although not on purpose.

This is really out of character for Dh, as I say he almost never raises his voice or gets really cross. He's gone to bed now and I've come downstairs to watch the Handmaids Tale and have a bit of a cry. Although he was shouting at ds, he was cross with me and I feel like I've dropped a massive bollock. He also dropped in that he'd asked me to sort his floordrobe out this week and I haven't got round to it yet, and that it's not fair I'm 'having' to do DS's room and haven't done his stuff.

I feel like utter shit. I couldn't leave DS's room as it was after seeing it, but Dh said I'm enabling him and not teaching him anything. I said I'm teaching him that it's a five minute job (when he does ever tidy it it takes hours and hours of chivvying and procrastination).

Was I unreasonable?

This ^^

Pallisers - why is it okay for you criticise everyone on this thread, but when I criticised your behaviour on another thread you threw a strop?

NC4now's summary gets my vote. Maybe your son should have done his own room but your DH's response was OTT. Hopefully tomorrow when he has had some sleep he will see that and apologise as it isn't the way he usually acts.

I think if he wants his Son to give a shit about tidying up he needs to lead by example, he needs to not show you up in front of Son - he needs to have said to you that he asked Son to do it earlier etc. But your slavery is beyond believe sahm or not you are not there to be ordered about by anyone - nicely or otherwise.

He's 14! Are you expecting him to be the main breadwinner?

No one is expecting him to be the main breadwinner but he should be tidying his own shit and not expecting his mother to do it while he sits on his arse watching a film. Fuck sake!

I think this is a tired, hardworking man who has lost his shit this evening.

Yeah, you're right and because he works he has a God given right to leave his 'floordrobe' and expect his wife to tidy up after hair? I think not. He's an arse!

Him not hair

Pallisers - why is it okay for you criticise everyone on this thread, but when I criticised your behaviour on another thread you threw a strop?

First of all I didn't critisize everyone on this thread. Just disagreed with some posts.

And second I don't remember any posts we had in common. If I offended you I'm sorry. I doubt I threw a strop whatever that is - probably just disagreed vehemently. If you were upset, again, I'm sorry.

This is a post on AIBU (although I think the OP might have been better served if she posted on chat tbh since this scenario sounds very like life with teenagers and stressful jobs to me) Of course I am going to give my opinion and disagree with people if I think they are taking the OP up wrong.

should have said threads we had in common

Ds didn't know I was up there doing his room though. And if I'd known he'd been asked I would have made him do it as I am the high priestess of the sacred WiFi.

I think the floordrobe comment was made out of rage and frustration with ds, but I took it deeply personally. And it made me go down the path of thinking dh is frustrated and thinks I'm not pulling my weight. A whole shitshow of clashing emotions, really.

Anyway, he's asleep and I'm watching early Stargate. He has to get up at 5.30 and I don't because I did the sandwiches earlier with leftover roast chicken like a good little wifey.

Norma 💐

I hope you're asleep already & get a decent nights sleep, your DH too.

You didn't do anything wrong. You didn't undermine your DH because you didn't know he'd asked DS to sort his room out.

Your DS is 14, yes he's 'capable' of sorting his room out & yes, in an ideal world, he would keep his room tidy & change his bed regularly, but we don't live in an ideal world and as you say, he's great in every other way...you have a few more years to get him great at this too. I understand why you felt bad getting DS 'in trouble' (I would have too), but actually, he brought it on himself when he didn't do it when he was asked earlier. It won't hurt him to learn that his ever patient father has a breaking point too.

Your DH sounds like a lovely bloke who doesn't like to see you being taken advantage of (DS sloping about watching tv while you clean his put) & just lost his shit. We all do it every now & then.

Dh said I'm enabling him and not teaching him anything. This made me laugh. Hopefully, in the cold light of day he will see the irony in this! Though I do get his point that he's working long hours to support all 5 of you and DS is on his holidays.

Talk to him. Ask him if the project is going too well or if there's anything else wrong, because he acted so out of character last night you're worried about him.

Tell him you're sorry if he felt undermined, but that you didn't know he'd asked DS to do it earlier. Explain that you just went in & decided to do it because it was horrible & it would only take 5 minutes & that yes DS should have done it, but he hadn't, so you did. It's not either or (DS's room DH's mess).

Tell him you think it's a bit hypocritical of him to shout at DS for not picking up after himself, whilst berating you for not picking up after him. Tell him he would do better to lead by example - but that you do get the 'working hard v loafing around'.

Then stress to him that if he has an issue with you, he needs to talk to you about it properly and not make you feel like shit, like he did last night.

It's temporary. He's doing 8 months of double hours. You've agreed this in advance and it worked until the holidays have clashed with presumably the stressy last weeks of the project.
We've all lost our shit over a minor issue that isn't really the real issue. If he's a good guy who has a stressed out rant once in a blue moon then you need to put it in context.

😂

Honestly though, if you were the Good Litttle Wifey you'd be getting up with him to make his breakfast & help him get ready for work.

😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤔🤔🤔🤔😂🤣😂🤣😂

Embarrassingly, he's the one who brings me coffee before he leaves, on the off chance I'll be awake to drink it while it's hot.

On school days I get up in enough time to make his sarnies and send him off with a kiss and a grope. In the holidays I make sandwiches the night before and just stay in bed until the kids get me up.

Yeah, you're right and because he works he has a God given right to leave his 'floordrobe' and expect his wife to tidy up after hair? I think not. He's an arse!

But he doesn't think that does he? The OP says he normally helps out and does his fair share when not on 70hr weeks.

And, yes, when one partner is working and the other is not then the partner who is working does have the right to expect the other partner to contribute to the household in some other kind of way.

He was a bit of a dick about it tonight, but really, if your partner is working 70 hour weeks it would seem a bit petty to complain that their washing was on the floor rather than in the wash basket, particularly when other family members doing less have their stuff picked up and it apparently takes 5 minutes.

I don't bloody understand MN. There seems to be this attitude that SAHMs with children at school are entitled to be financially supported to do nothing all day then when their DPs come home from a 10 hour shift they can yell at them for not doing enough around the house. (I'm not suggesting you do nothing OP, just that's the attitude).

I know for a fact if a woman posted on here that she was working on here but her non-working DP refused to do her washing if it wasn't put in the washing bin he'd be crucified.

You both sound lovely, it'll all be ok 😊

Tomorrow will be a better day if you get some sleep tonight. 5 year olds sense weakness! 🤣

I can see why you feel bad OP as I do think you have been U. I agree with MargeretTwatyer

I can totally see that your DH is overworked, exhausted and probably and understandably feeling taken for granted. He lost the plot becasue of this. Everyone has a breaking point.

He did specifically ask for your help with something and I think you should have prioritised it. Especially it if was only a 5 minute job. You agreed you would step up to be "housewife extraordinaire" whilst he had to work these hours and you really haven't. Fair enough if this is mental health or child care related, but if you can't keep up then you need a cleaner to help (you tidy, they clean).

Having a tidy house can really help with mental health as well. You might not notice, but I bet that he does. It will be dragging him down mentally. Especially as he has little time or energy to do anything about it - and probably thinks why the hell should he after 10 hours at work when there are other capable people who could do it!

He's your husband, your team mate. If you don't go out of your way to help him when he really needs it (and is doing so much work to keep the family afloat) who will? And it sounds like he has really supported you in the past and been a really good husband. You even spend more than he does!! I feel sorry for him to be honest.

I don't agree that dividing chores and making his breakfast and sandwiches when he working insane hours makes you a 'good little wifey' in a bad way. I think it just makes you a good team mate. If you were breastfeeding etc I'm sure there's be a whole host of people saying he should make YOU sandwiches because you have your hands full. Well, 70 hours a week is having your hands full.

I think you need to have a good chat and see what you both need doing and can do to get things back on an even keel and I think you need to really do your best to step up and keep your promises and apologise if you haven't. He has been good to you you say, so be as good to him. You say that sometimes you've had a "charmed life" with lunches and handbags OP. Ask yourself if you really, truly have worked as hard as he has been working for these last 7 months? If not, then make up for it. If you have, then again, you need a cleaner or other help to take some of the strain.

Maybe try to even out your all or nothing approach as well so life is a bit more consistent. A rule to have a basic tidy every day and the kids must help. It will benefit you all. And no more excuses for DS otherwise he faces the consequences.

You have obviously had a good marriage so don't let this become something really serious.

I agree with all the non crazy posters who say this is just a blip from a tired and stressed guy. We all fuck up sometimes. Tomorrow is indeed another day.

Or what Leafprint said so eloquently.

I'm with your husband. He's working 70 hours a week. If i were him I'd be irritated that my spouse, who didn't work, couldn't hang some clothes up for me. And your son is bone idle and you're enabling him.

Please don't think our house is some kind of chaotic hovel, it really isn't. It's clean and tidy to varying degrees but it is always clean and tidy (floordrobe and teen's room excepted). This week has been pretty full on and I've been entertaining not just my kids but what seems like half the street.

The floordrobe was tucked away down his side of the bed so it really was just a case of out of sight out of mind. Anyway, I've done it now.

Oh and he has gone to work still in a grump. He's miserable. These hours are killing him.

He's not doing them because of income, he's doing them because he has to deliver the project on time.

Two weeks to go until our holiday...

I don't think this is a pattern of controlling abusive behaviour. I think this is a tired, hardworking man who has lost his shit this evening.

Yes! Good grief, so much diagnosing going on in this thread. I'd wait until you have an opportunity to speak to your husband properly and explain how it made you feel. You've said this is not something he would normally do. And work out a way forward about how to deal with DS's mess going forward, and stick to the agreement you've reached between yourselves.

He needs to get a grip about the floordrobe though, and I say this as someone who has one! (Although it's all in the spare room where my clothes are )

10 minutes to put a teen room straight is a miracle. No doubt DS should have done it on Monday, but did your DH realise how hypocritical he must have sounded, chastising you for cleaning up after your son when he wanted you to do exactly the same for him?

What is this job which renders him immune from a clothes hanger? Is he Batman? Are you Alfred?

dh is frustrated and thinks I'm not pulling my weight

Then pull it.

And I feel sorry for your dh because I've been there with the 70 hours although not done the shouting thing. But I have got incredibly resentful as dh has said he'll do more around the home to cover off what I'm not doing, will forget to do what I've asked and I have to do it despite thinking I've agreed that he will.

If your MH is so fragile that you cannot work, how do you manage running the home and entertaining half the street. Without the full details, I would also get annoyed about that but I would know deep down I was being unreasonable.

It sounds like you and your dh need a serious discussion.