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Original poster

To have cleaned DS's room? Dh thinks so.

161 replies

NormaDesmondsEyebrows · 30/07/2017 22:27

For context, DH is currently working up to 70hrs a week and has just finished this evening (wfh). So he's understandably crabby.

I was pootling about upstairs and went in to put some clean washing in ds1's room (he's 14, 15 next month). I usually let him get on with it but it was stinky and I couldn't see the floor so I quickly stripped and remade his bed and cleared the floor. It took less than 10 minutes.

Dh was in the shower after finishing work and came out just as I was finishing up. DS was downstairs watching a film, which is rare and why I had the opportunity to do his room.

Dh lost his shit. He's usually very very placid and this is about the third time in ten years I've seen him go off like this. He told me to stop and said he was furious I'd done it, called ds up and basically shouted at him for a good five to ten minutes about how selfish and disgusting it is to put it off for so long that I have to do it. I didn't realise that he'd asked him to do it earlier before he went out with his mates.

Dh says that ds has had all day every day since last week to do it, that I have enough else to do, that he himself has no free time and finds it disgusting that ds is sitting watching tv while I'm cleaning his room.

I feel fucking awful now. I've got ds in trouble, Dh thinks I'm a mug (he said that several times) and I've undermined him although not on purpose.

This is really out of character for Dh, as I say he almost never raises his voice or gets really cross. He's gone to bed now and I've come downstairs to watch the Handmaids Tale and have a bit of a cry. Although he was shouting at ds, he was cross with me and I feel like I've dropped a massive bollock. He also dropped in that he'd asked me to sort his floordrobe out this week and I haven't got round to it yet, and that it's not fair I'm 'having' to do DS's room and haven't done his stuff.

I feel like utter shit. I couldn't leave DS's room as it was after seeing it, but Dh said I'm enabling him and not teaching him anything. I said I'm teaching him that it's a five minute job (when he does ever tidy it it takes hours and hours of chivvying and procrastination).

Was I unreasonable?

OP posts:
SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 30/07/2017 23:14

So... He works, does that mean he's incapable of basic tasks? Making his own sandwiches etc.

Ffs. You're letting him treat you like a slave

Pallisers · 30/07/2017 23:14

What was he doing at the time that was 'Ever So Important' that stopped him from doing it himself?

he was working 70 hours a week. Did you miss that bit? The usual working week is 36-40 hours.

Nanny0gg · 30/07/2017 23:14

Floordrobe is mainly stuff he's got out, worn once or just tried on and then folded nest to the bed rather than put away.

Then as far as I was concerned it would stay on the floor. Lazy git. (and working 70 hours a week doesn't change that, you're not his servant)

ChasingHighs · 30/07/2017 23:15

It's not really fair and equal though. Not if hrs expecting you to sort his mess out which he could easily put away himself

Pallisers · 30/07/2017 23:16

Ffs. You're letting him treat you like a slave

you know this kind of analogy pisses me right off. Do you actually understand what slavery was????

CoughLaughFart · 30/07/2017 23:18

young guy sitting on his arse contributing nothing gets his shit taken care of but someone working 70 hours a week gets no favours.

He's 14! Are you expecting him to be the main breadwinner?

Mychildcouldnotbreaatfeed · 30/07/2017 23:18

So he wants you to be a SAHM because your MH is poor and yet he isn't prepared to pick up his own mess? He has you doing everything for him and he shouts and yells when the minions aren't doing as they're told. And he ticks you off for not doing as you're told.

You can't see it.

I hope you do at some point and that you have support when that happens.

Original poster
NormaDesmondsEyebrows · 30/07/2017 23:19

Pallisers has it nailed. Thank you.

And yes, definitely not a slave unless slaves get six hours to themselves every school day and free rein to buy handbags and lunches.

He is a good guy, I just needed to make sense of this silly situation.

OP posts:
HemanOrSheRa · 30/07/2017 23:19

Hang on, if they're clean clothes then presumably the person doing the washing put them there. Which as he is working 70 he weeks and you are a SAHM is you right? So he's getting a kicking for having a floordrobe on here, but presumably the person who created a great deal of that floordrobe was you by not putting his clean clothes away. What? Really?!

It's the school holidays OP. Things can get tense when adults are working long hours and children are at home relaxing. I still think your DH was harsh. You washed your Son's bedding and tidied round Confused.

RainbowPastel · 30/07/2017 23:19

Pallisers the last time I looked up the definition of a child it was up until they turned 18.

My Dad worked much more hours than this. He never treated my mum like his skivvy or spoke to us like crap. You are minimising his behaviour.

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 30/07/2017 23:20

Oh fgs... Hmm

I'll rephrase. You're letting him treat you like you're his servant

Is that better?

CoughLaughFart · 30/07/2017 23:22

** - why is it that in other threads no one is allowed to criticise you because you're not the OP, but you can be as critical as you like here?

Original poster
NormaDesmondsEyebrows · 30/07/2017 23:23

Don't get me wrong, I'm not at all happy about what happened tonight. But it was an anomaly, and that's what's rattled me. I wanted to gauge opinions really and I can see it from his side a lot better now, from some of the posts here. I still don't think I did anything wrong, but I can see how it rattled his chains. I'm going to go to bed and hopefully we'll all wake up in a better mood.

OP posts:
ClopySow · 30/07/2017 23:23

Not really she

I'd say OP has described a situation in which she isn't a servant.

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 30/07/2017 23:24

Stop picking his clothes up. He's old enough to do that himself.

I mean you child AND your husband.

And suggest to your husband that he should set a better example for his son.

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 30/07/2017 23:25

Skivvy?

Is that acceptable to you? Would you like to tell me which words I should be using??

ChasingHighs · 30/07/2017 23:27

The word I would use is doormat.

MyMorningHasBroken · 30/07/2017 23:27

It's out of character for him - I wouldn't call him a bully!
He's stressed and exhausted like we all are after work and unfortunately we take it out on those closest to us.
I'm sure he'll calm down and apologise at some point.
I can see his point, especially if your DS is on holiday.

Bobbiepin · 30/07/2017 23:29

People really seem to be taking this to the extreme. OP am I right in thinking that you were a bit shocked and upset at your DH's reaction and this post is more of a letting off steam than a full on cry for help?

I think I'm in a similar position to you. I work longer hours than my DH but he travels for 4 hours each day so I'm always home before him, I'm also a teacher so in the holidays I pick up more of the slack in terms of housework. He's crap at putting clothes in the wash basket but I don't believe that this means he respects me any less. Yes it would only take him seconds to put them in the basket but it also only takes me seconds to pick up when I do a wash. (I don't like him doing the washing, he doesn't do it right).

I totally understand why he's frustrated at DS although it does sound like an over reaction. Maybe an apology from DS that his room was left that way despite being asked to tidy, especially in school holidays, might help? Saying that, the kid is 15, I wouldn't be too surprised at a messy room.

Talk to him about his reaction tomorrow (and maybe go stingy on the sandwich fillers tomorrow if he doesn't apologise!)

Pallisers · 30/07/2017 23:30

He's 14! Are you expecting him to be the main breadwinner?

No. I'm expecting him to clean the shit off the floor in his room.

The irony of all this is when this kid grows up to be the kind of man who leave everything to his wife, MNers will blame the mother for not rearing him better.

I certainly think the definition of a child is until they reach 18 but I think you''ll find Rainbow that if you posted on MN that you should be able to stop a 17 year old going out or having a beer or having sex with his girlfriend, you'd be handed your arse. So that word "child" means nothing really when applied to a 15 year old.

OP, don't get so worked up about this. your DH was a pill for yelling but he has some excuses. Your son is a pill for not cleaning up but he has the excuse of being a teenager. You should make your son clean up but it is way easier not to (I do it myself)

This talk of bullying, slavery and being a servant is absurd.

If it were me, I'd go into my son and say dad shouldn't have yelled but he and I both work so hard for this family it is hard to see you not make a contribution. Might make him think a bit.

Pallisers · 30/07/2017 23:32

Would you like to tell me which words I should be using??

you can use any word you like. If you use slave to describe the OP's situation you are being both silly and ignorant of the history of slavery. But use whatever you want.

MyMorningHasBroken · 30/07/2017 23:33

Dear God, if cleaning your room at 14 is akin to being the main breadwinner we have high aspirations for our kids!

paxillin · 30/07/2017 23:38

Floordrobe is mainly stuff he's got out, worn once or just tried on and then folded nest to the bed rather than put away.

Whilst you are talking through the tantrum, tell him to stop this. Each shirt discarded this way says:

"I do not care about you to throw it in the laundry if dirty (1 second) or put it back if clean (5 seconds) nor to decide which it is (1 second). So I save 2-6 seconds by making you take an hour of undignified sniffing of my laundry to determine which it is".

How many of these drip-drip moments of not giving a shit can a relationship take?

MargaretTwatyer · 30/07/2017 23:38

I totally agree with Pallisers and I think you've been sensible to see she's right too.

The way I see it you have a happy marriage and a husband who has willingly supported you through what sounds like quite serious MH issues and works very hard to support the family. He normally pitches in and helps and you don't feel there are any deeper issues.

He's stressed and has been a bit of an arse tonight because he's feeling a bit underappreciated. You're feeling a bit stressed because you have all the kids home from school and at least one is not being as helpful as he could.

Just try and sit down and have a chat about how you're both feeling.

Don't listen to the rest of the shite on here.

NC4now · 30/07/2017 23:39

I don't think this is a pattern of controlling abusive behaviour. I think this is a tired, hardworking man who has lost his shit this evening.

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