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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have cleaned DS's room? Dh thinks so.

161 replies

NormaDesmondsEyebrows · 30/07/2017 22:27

For context, DH is currently working up to 70hrs a week and has just finished this evening (wfh). So he's understandably crabby.

I was pootling about upstairs and went in to put some clean washing in ds1's room (he's 14, 15 next month). I usually let him get on with it but it was stinky and I couldn't see the floor so I quickly stripped and remade his bed and cleared the floor. It took less than 10 minutes.

Dh was in the shower after finishing work and came out just as I was finishing up. DS was downstairs watching a film, which is rare and why I had the opportunity to do his room.

Dh lost his shit. He's usually very very placid and this is about the third time in ten years I've seen him go off like this. He told me to stop and said he was furious I'd done it, called ds up and basically shouted at him for a good five to ten minutes about how selfish and disgusting it is to put it off for so long that I have to do it. I didn't realise that he'd asked him to do it earlier before he went out with his mates.

Dh says that ds has had all day every day since last week to do it, that I have enough else to do, that he himself has no free time and finds it disgusting that ds is sitting watching tv while I'm cleaning his room.

I feel fucking awful now. I've got ds in trouble, Dh thinks I'm a mug (he said that several times) and I've undermined him although not on purpose.

This is really out of character for Dh, as I say he almost never raises his voice or gets really cross. He's gone to bed now and I've come downstairs to watch the Handmaids Tale and have a bit of a cry. Although he was shouting at ds, he was cross with me and I feel like I've dropped a massive bollock. He also dropped in that he'd asked me to sort his floordrobe out this week and I haven't got round to it yet, and that it's not fair I'm 'having' to do DS's room and haven't done his stuff.

I feel like utter shit. I couldn't leave DS's room as it was after seeing it, but Dh said I'm enabling him and not teaching him anything. I said I'm teaching him that it's a five minute job (when he does ever tidy it it takes hours and hours of chivvying and procrastination).

Was I unreasonable?

OP posts:
StillDrivingMeBonkers · 31/07/2017 07:24

You've got a DH working 70 hours a week to deliver a project
and a bone idle teenager that lives in a flea pit watching telly.

I'd be fucked off, unappreciated not to mention tired and grumpy if I was your DH as well.

I dare say it's a storm in a tea cup.

Out of curiosity - did your DS at any point apologise and perhaps offer to make everyone the obligatory cup of tea to smooth it all over?

Fairylea · 31/07/2017 07:35

I agree with your dh about your son. But your dh shouldn't then be asking you to sort out his own stuff! Shock

On the son issue I would have been much more direct about it- I would have told him it needed doing and sent him upstairs with a bag for rubbish and a can of polish and a duster. My dd is 14 and I expect her to sort her own room out and change her own bed.

OnionKnight · 31/07/2017 07:36

I'd be a bit fucked off too.

However he shouldn't have ranted for 10 minutes but working 70 hour weeks does funny things to your mind.

Based on what the OP has said, he isn't abusive, he just lost his shit.

OnTheRise · 31/07/2017 07:54

Your husband should not have shouted at you or your child.

If he asked your child to tidy the room, he should have let you know to make sure this situation didn't arise.

You did nothing wrong in tidying your child's room but I wouldn't have done it. Once my children were in their teens the state of their rooms was their own business. I demand that all dirty clothes and dishes are brought downstairs every day, and that beds are changed every week, but apart from that their rooms are up to them. I don't even go into them without their permission.

Northernparent68 · 31/07/2017 08:11

Cough, do you think really think teenagers are too old to be in trouble with their parents ? What discipline techniques do you use ?

eurochick · 31/07/2017 08:22

I can't imagine where your son is learning his lazy behaviour...

ColossalKalamari · 31/07/2017 08:23

Does your ds do anything around the house? Washing up, hoovering, tidying, polishing, sorting laundry, doing the bins? If not why not?

I'm not surprised your DH was pissed off and if your ds does nothing round the house I would have a chat with him about howselfish he is

Original poster
NormaDesmondsEyebrows · 31/07/2017 08:34

Ds washes up every other day, and he's good about bringing me coffee. He spends time playing with his little brother, he'll cycle down to the local shop (actually 2 miles away) for milk etc. He's a good kid. Just crap at tidying.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 31/07/2017 08:38

Don't listen to the rest of the shite on here.

Why? Because only your view is the right one?

Elephant17 · 31/07/2017 08:54

Your son is a lazy bugger (as I was at that age). If you always end up doing it, he knows he never really has to. He'll pretend he was going to get around to it but you got to it first.

Your husband was unreasonable to get quite so furious Confused, but if he's not usually like that and particularly stressed out at the moment I'd give everyone a time to cool down and probably shrug it off. Providing he isn't going to be holding a grudge about it!

I also think he's getting a massively hard time re asking you to clean his floordrobe. He ASKED, he didn't shout 'you, wench! Clean my floordrobe or else!' He just asked a favour, fair enough. Don't people here ever ask favours of their partners??? And of course the fact he works crazy hours and your a sahm is relevant. If I worked crazy hours and my partner stayed home I would be likely to ask him to do little things like this from time to time, again- ASK, not demand. However, the way he brought it up during his rant was childish and unnecessary.

Elephant17 · 31/07/2017 08:56

(However, I would expect my partner, whatever hours worked, to do something around the house to help)

MissWilmottsGhost · 31/07/2017 09:06

FFS do not tidy up his floordrobe. Make the fucking hypocrite do it himself.

Really? He is complaining about his DS's mess while doing exactly the same himself? Where does he think his DS learned that behaviour from?

Grrrrrr Angry

woodhill · 31/07/2017 09:17

Tricky, I wish my dh would do the same with my ds but he just undermines me and never makes ds do anything. It's usually me getting upset and angry and being bad cop.

I think your ds should have done his own room but ooh I have often done the same as you op as I can no longer bear the mess.

woodhill · 31/07/2017 09:19

Sorry just read the dh's floordrobe bit. No not your job OP.

steppemum · 31/07/2017 09:22

It's out of character for him - I wouldn't call him a bully!
He's stressed and exhausted like we all are after work and unfortunately we take it out on those closest to us.
I'm sure he'll calm down and apologise at some point.
I can see his point, especially if your DS is on holiday.

This
there is a trend on mn to label all men as mysogonist bastards.
I prefer to start from the position of normal people having a bad day, unless there is evidence to say otherwise

tallfox · 31/07/2017 09:25

Floordrobes get left behind with the teenage years, along with servant mums. Tidying your own clothes, is a basic adult chore whether you work hard or not. It isn't about who does how many hours, it's about self respect.

Writerwannabe83 · 31/07/2017 09:44

My husband has a floordrobe and I do not touch it. The rule in our house is if it's not in the washing basket it doesn't get washed. Even our 3 year old puts his dirty clothes in the washing basket.

However, on the flip side, your DH is working 70 hours a week whilst you are home alone for 6 hours a day whilst the children are in school and spend your time watching TV and buying handbags apparently.

I think I would have reacted the same way if I was your DH. I'm sure the floordrobe comment was just him letting off steam and saying it in anger (like we all do) but he must be absolutely exhausted.

You haven't said what your MH issue is but you seem well enough to go out shopping and entertain the street so is there no possibility of you getting a job during school hours so some financial pressure can be taken off your husband's shoulders?

Even if you can get a part time job that isn't totally in school hours you could still use some before and after childcare? You wouldn't need to pay for it for your teenage son obviously. How old is your third child, old enough they could be at home with your son for a few hours after school? That way you'd only need childcare for the 5 year old for a few hours a few days a week which I imagine seeing as you enjoy
handbag shopping and say you spend a lot of the money, you could easily afford?

Marriage is a partnership.
He should be doing what he can to make life easier for you (I.e not leaving his clothes everywhere) but you should also be doing what you can to make life easier for him.

Your posts come across as though you find it all quite amusing and that you revel in being the housewife who spends her husband's money on handbags whilst he slogs away for 70 hours a week at work.

I do agree with some others posters comments about how he shouldn't have shouted etc but at the same time your poor DH must be absolutely drained

Original poster
NormaDesmondsEyebrows · 31/07/2017 10:02

I was obviously being flippant about the handbags, I actually only have the one.

My MH is complicated and until late last year I was in and out of hospital for a couple of years. Dh doesn't want me to work, part of my stability is having as little stress and pressure as possible. I do still have days when I can't leave the house, and as these are unpredictable I would struggle with a paid job. I volunteer and I help at school, as well as doing all the housework and admin. I do get much more free time than dh and it does worry me that he is resentful but I try to make life as pleasant as possible for him.

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 31/07/2017 10:16

See that post gives a much clearer idea as to what's going on where in your previous messages you had come across as a bit flippant and I wondered if that's why your husband was behaving the way he is, I.e he thinks you take what you have for granted.

Things are obviously much more complicated for you then so I can understand why you can't work.

In light of all of that I would just put it down to him having had a bad day. We're all just human and say stupid thoughtless things some times. God knows me and DH have had cross words during our marriage and it's usually a result of us just being exhausted and wanting an outlet. It sounds like his outburst wasn't usual behaviour for him and if otherwise all is well then just let it blow over.

SafeToCross · 31/07/2017 10:42

I think he lost it because of his stress. And you didn't know you had undermined him. So just keep doing what you are doing and don't feel you have to jump to the tune of his bad mood - but I love that you do lots of things to be kind to each other, and little kindnesses go a long way when stress is high. I think to keep being a team though you might have to address how to ask more of ds (although it is easier to do a five minute clean yourself, it is more effective to use your five minutes to insist he gets upstairs and does it - assuming he has known he was to do it and not done so on his own schedule - ). But you sound like you work these things out as a family.

Rhubarbtart9 · 31/07/2017 11:12

Playing to his strengths by tidying up for him?! How funny. What are you teaching a young man needing to obtain basic self care and basic life skills? That women will do his crap jobs? If he tidys up by shoving crap under his bed, so be it. Eventually he should deal with the consequences of his mess. And that's fine and a learning curve in itself.

How your DD is is tidying/behaviour wise is irrelevant.

Rhubarbtart9 · 31/07/2017 11:14

Yes and don't tidy up your DH's floordrobe. He put his own stuff away. It's one small job.

araiwa · 31/07/2017 11:30

I think someone working the equivalent of 2 full time jobs to be the sole provider for the family needs as much support as possible

aramintafatbottom · 31/07/2017 11:36

Your 14 year old is old enough to sort his own stuff out. So is your husband.

Tazerface · 31/07/2017 11:52

If he's normally ok, this sounds like it was the straw that broke the camels back.

I think he was U to have a huge go at you, but he has a point that a 15 year old currently off school should have done it by now.

I'd definitely tell him how much he upset you, and I would expect an apology and a hug. I think he should also apologise to your son for the yelling but actually, he was right. Your son needs to pull his weight more than your husband IMO - part of being a family is to pitch in to help out. And if he's working a 70 hour week, then if I were a stay at home parent I think I'd be ok with sticking his clothes away every so often. Small kindnesses are what make a good marriage tick.

Btw, absolutely hilarious to suggest that by DH putting his own clothes away it would make a nearly 15 year old do it more! Doesn't work like that I'm afraid.

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