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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have cleaned DS's room? Dh thinks so.

161 replies

NormaDesmondsEyebrows · 30/07/2017 22:27

For context, DH is currently working up to 70hrs a week and has just finished this evening (wfh). So he's understandably crabby.

I was pootling about upstairs and went in to put some clean washing in ds1's room (he's 14, 15 next month). I usually let him get on with it but it was stinky and I couldn't see the floor so I quickly stripped and remade his bed and cleared the floor. It took less than 10 minutes.

Dh was in the shower after finishing work and came out just as I was finishing up. DS was downstairs watching a film, which is rare and why I had the opportunity to do his room.

Dh lost his shit. He's usually very very placid and this is about the third time in ten years I've seen him go off like this. He told me to stop and said he was furious I'd done it, called ds up and basically shouted at him for a good five to ten minutes about how selfish and disgusting it is to put it off for so long that I have to do it. I didn't realise that he'd asked him to do it earlier before he went out with his mates.

Dh says that ds has had all day every day since last week to do it, that I have enough else to do, that he himself has no free time and finds it disgusting that ds is sitting watching tv while I'm cleaning his room.

I feel fucking awful now. I've got ds in trouble, Dh thinks I'm a mug (he said that several times) and I've undermined him although not on purpose.

This is really out of character for Dh, as I say he almost never raises his voice or gets really cross. He's gone to bed now and I've come downstairs to watch the Handmaids Tale and have a bit of a cry. Although he was shouting at ds, he was cross with me and I feel like I've dropped a massive bollock. He also dropped in that he'd asked me to sort his floordrobe out this week and I haven't got round to it yet, and that it's not fair I'm 'having' to do DS's room and haven't done his stuff.

I feel like utter shit. I couldn't leave DS's room as it was after seeing it, but Dh said I'm enabling him and not teaching him anything. I said I'm teaching him that it's a five minute job (when he does ever tidy it it takes hours and hours of chivvying and procrastination).

Was I unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
NormaDesmondsEyebrows · 30/07/2017 22:56

Honestly I usually leave ds to it with his room. The most I do is throw clean bedding and clothes in there.

It was utterly disgusting though. I think the dog had been in his bin as it was all over the floor, and the rest of the floor was dirty and clean clothes mixed up. His bed stank and the clean bedding was where I'd left it on Monday. It was gross, but as I say it was a five minute whizz round and all done.

OP posts:
JustCallMeKate · 30/07/2017 22:57

only haven't done the floordrobe of doom because I haven't got round to it yet. It's mainly clean clothes or worn once, it just needs putting away

We are talking about an adult male right? He chucks his clothes on the floor and you're expected to lift them? Fuck that! My DH can work 70+ hours a week and knows he picks his own shit up and tidies up after himself! He also cleans 'his' shower room. My children also knew they cleaned their own shit up (even although I was at home more than them). They're treating you like some sort of maid. Get yourself a backbone for goodness sake. I can't believe you allowed your DS to sit his arse on a sofa watching a film while you cleaned his room. I feel sorry for any future partners he lives with!

winglesspegasus · 30/07/2017 22:57

hes a big boy let him sort out his own pile of crap
same for the son/no cleany no devices or tv
as i understand it a floordrobe is a pile of clothes on the floor.??
too lazy to pick up his own

HemanOrSheRa · 30/07/2017 22:57

Christ. I'd tell DH to fuck off. You are your Son's Mother. It's OK to be kind to our children. That's what we do.

Sometimes it's good to be right and sometimes it's good to be kind.

ChasingHighs · 30/07/2017 22:58

Why would you yell at someone for having an untidy room when you are guilty of the same but are quite happy for someone else to sort it out?

Janika · 30/07/2017 22:59

What is a floordrobe?
Sorry not heard that before. Is it just a wardrobe with all the clothes on the floor instead of hanging up?
Or is it a mysterious new thing from IKEA or John Lewis??Hmm

Pallisers · 30/07/2017 22:59

I don't think your dh should have lost his temper but I do see why he did.

he worked 70 hours this week. That is a lot of hours and pretty exhausting. he comes home and sees his 15 year old son sitting in front of the tv. Then he sees his wife clean up the 15 year olds' disgusting room rather than call him up and make him do it himself.
I'd have been angry too. I would hope that I wouldn't lose the rag but when you are exhausted etc.

The clearing the floor stuff is beside the point - but maybe he felt completely unappreciated - young guy sitting on his arse contributing nothing gets his shit taken care of but someone working 70 hours a week gets no favours.

he shouldn't have lost his temper at you or yelled at you and you shouldn't feel guilty at all. But I can see why he snapped a bit.

Tbh it's always been easier for me to pop in and do five minutes when it's starting to really hum, because he tends to tidy by shoving stuff under his bed/desk. I'd probably be doing him more of a favour by making him do it but I'd rather play to his strengths.

You really aren't doing him a favour with this (and I say this as someone with a very similar if not worse teen). He has to learn how to contribute in a home/house. He has to learn how to do basic clean up after himself stuff.

He sounds like a big bully. Your son is a child who you should be helping. Your DH is supposed to be an adult but doesn't seem to act like one.

This is almost funny. If you post on MN about stopping a 15 year old going out with his mates you are told "don't be stupid he is 15, he can do what he wants, how can you stop him" but when if comes to cleaning his room suddenly he is a child? He isn't a child. He is a 15 year old. And the DH is indeed acting like an adult - he is working very very hard to support the 15 year old "child".

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 30/07/2017 22:59

Are you fucking KIDDING me???

He had a go at you for spending 10 mins sorting your teenagers bedroom, but expects you to sort his fucking 'floordrobe'??

How the fuck can you expect your 15yo so to pick up after himself if you're running around tidying for a grown man??

Unless he has a disability that means he's unable to put his own clothes away, he's being an utter cunt expecting you to do this.
Yes, as a SAHM, the bulk of the housework and all that shit will fall to you, BUT - dumping clean or almost clean clothes on the floor, with the expectation that you will pick up after him, is hugely disrespectful.

My ex was an absolute wanker, but even he recognised that I wasn't his fucking housemaid.

Sorry, but this has made me furious. Housework is one thing, but being expected to pick up after your husband. Just no.

Jeez... I get pissed off at my 10yo if he leaves his clothes lying around.

Mychildcouldnotbreaatfeed · 30/07/2017 23:00

When is your DH going to stop yelling at and ordering around his teenaged son and wife?

Some weird kind of alpha male dominant thing going on there.

He won't be able to yell down your son for ever. He needs to wise up. It's really not good.

He's not blameless here. And you are making massive excuses for him.

I bet your MH would improve massively if you got rid of the bully!

Nanny0gg · 30/07/2017 23:01

My mother was a traditional SAHM/Housewife.

She never ever picked up after my father (who never dared drop his clothes on the floor). There was a laundry basket and hangers and he knew how to use both.
And so did I...

winglesspegasus · 30/07/2017 23:02

actually true alpha males take care of their own shit

steppemum · 30/07/2017 23:03

he's tired, you said yourself he is crabby.
Leave it, sleep on it, see how he is in the morning.

If you need to come back to it, don't feel bad, you haven't done anythign wrong. This is a communciation issue.
If it was me, I might say something like - last night, I understand that you felt I had undermined you, but I had no idea you had asked ds to do it. You were OTT in the way you shouted at me and at ds. I don't want to be shouted at like that over cleaning/clothes etc, it is not on.

I would bet he would then apologise sheepishly for losing his rag.

Mychildcouldnotbreaatfeed · 30/07/2017 23:03

Yeah wing I know.

Proper men see to their own crap and don't bully women and smaller males.

Original poster
NormaDesmondsEyebrows · 30/07/2017 23:05

Oh god he's really not usually a bully. That's why this has upset me so much.

And tbf I am a messy cow as well, but I'm the queen of the five minute tidy and he's a faffer. His floordrobe is literally a five minute job and I do feel shit that I haven't got round to it.

However, I do do lots of 'favours', I cook food he likes every day, I make his sarnies, I don't expect him to lift a finger right now, I even do the lawns and the bins (the horror!). It was probably just a throwaway comment mid rant but by fuck it stung.

OP posts:
MargaretTwatyer · 30/07/2017 23:06

Hang on, if they're clean clothes then presumably the person doing the washing put them there. Which as he is working 70 he weeks and you are a SAHM is you right? So he's getting a kicking for having a floordrobe on here, but presumably the person who created a great deal of that floordrobe was you by not putting his clean clothes away.

It doesn't sound like he handled it brilliantly but I can really understand why someone working 70 hr weeks with a SAHM would be annoyed that their SAHM wasn't getting the basics like washing done and put away. I think you might be right that there is some resentment building up there. I think you need to sit down and talk about it.

JustCallMeKate · 30/07/2017 23:06

This is a wind up right? 😳🙄

Confused24 · 30/07/2017 23:06

His taking it out on you isn't fair but I have done this recently when working 70 hours and have taken it out on my oh when I've been bugged out of work hours. I even cried once because he went to his Nans for a roast and I was upset I hadn't eaten a home cooked meal in a week. Pathetic looking back! Is there any option for him to reduce hours? Have you spoken about how it's making him feel and how his taking it out on you? It's not fair as it's his choice but I needed someone to point out to me what working those hours was doing to me and my family

NC4now · 30/07/2017 23:07

DH regularly deals with my floordrobe.

He picks it up and piles it in a big heap on my side of the bed, so I can't go to bed till I've moved it. Not out of spite, so he can get the Hoover round.

I suggest that approach.

As for your teenager, yes, he should sort his own room, but it's not the end of the world. Hopefully he's had a wake-up call tonight and wont take you for granted next week bearing in mind he's 14/15

Mychildcouldnotbreaatfeed · 30/07/2017 23:07

You're minimising and excusing xxx

He's a bully and he's throwing his weight around. I bet he's controlling in other ways too.

Does he share all this money he's making - do you have equal access to the bank accounts and all that? Who has the nicer car / more hobbies ?

ChasingHighs · 30/07/2017 23:07

I don't consider sorting out someone's floordrobe a basic.

Mychildcouldnotbreaatfeed · 30/07/2017 23:09

I do washing and ironing. The least they can do is put it away. If they dint and it's on the floor then that is not my problem.

(I work full time and do all housework - single parent)

Original poster
NormaDesmondsEyebrows · 30/07/2017 23:11

Floordrobe is mainly stuff he's got out, worn once or just tried on and then folded nest to the bed rather than put away. I put his washing away.

Joint accounts, and I spend far more than him. My hobbies are drinking, smoking and watching tellyGrin his are music and martial arts. The car is a few years old and was mine but I don't drive anymore (MH) so it's now his. It's all very fair and equal.

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 30/07/2017 23:12

He sounds like an arse. He wanted DS to tidy his clothes up but couldn't be arsed to do his own?! What was he doing at the time that was 'Ever So Important' that stopped him from doing it himself?

He is behaving like a bully and it is quite sad that you can't see it.

Mychildcouldnotbreaatfeed · 30/07/2017 23:13

How can you be laughing when you're being treated like this?

I hope you have support in rl.

Pallisers · 30/07/2017 23:13

When is your DH going to stop yelling at and ordering around his teenaged son and wife?

Seeing as he only did it once and according to OP has only lost his temper 3 times in 10 years I'd say he will stop right now. Wouldn't you?

OP this is one of those situations in which you have to be kind to each other. He should be sorry he yelled and sorry he mentioned the clothes on the floor. You should acknowledge that it must have been infuriating to see you clean up the room of a 15 year old when your DH had told the same 15 year old to clean his room a short while before.

Despite what people are saying here, this incident doesn't necessarily make your dh a bully, abusive, etc. he is knackered tired, feeling crap and probably thinking he needs to get on top of son's lack of hygiene in the house (presumably we all think this would be a good thing - right?)

I'd say he feels as bad as you do right now.