My father who supports my rapists wants to see my baby

[thefutureisfemale]

Hi. I'm sorry for the distressing topic but I really need some help and advice.

I grew up as the middle child of three in an abusive household with a drug addicted father and an undiagnosed mentally ill mother.
When times were good they were great, when they were bad they were awful.
My father was physically abusive to an extreme extent and my mother 'disciplined' us physically also, but it was the mental and emotional abuse that really messed me up.

Every summer I spent with my fathers brothers family whom were wealthy, kind and what I thought 'good people.' I had an older male cousin by 9 years that I adored. He was funny, charming and made me feel special.

What I realise now is that I was groomed over the course of several years to trust this man entirely and not to doubt for a second that he had my best intentions at heart. It was an open secret that he was a sexual deviant and had had 'relationships' with young girls before but his family acted like it never happened.

At 16 I went to live permanently with his family and himself and a secret sexual relationship began. I was pushed into it through guilt, fear and obligation. I never told anyone till years later.
I became a heavy drinker, self harmed and tried to take my life almost a dozen times.

My father knows (as does everyone else now) and denies my cousin every coherced me into doing things and calls me a liar. He moved my 14 year old brother to live my rapist. Everyone knows what's happened and that my cousin is a predator, even his parents and other girls he abused but it's all hidden under the rug.

I got my life together, stopped drinking and got married and I am 31 weeks pregnant.
I have no contact with my rapist or his family and I never will again. I rarely speak with my father and feel like I will never forgive him for the abuse we suffered from him as kids and adults and how he supported my rapist and still does. I don't want him near me or my baby ever.

However, he has custody of my brother and won't allow him to meet the baby until he does himself. It's another one of his control tactics. Why do I feel guilty for this? Why do I feel bad that I don't want my father to see his grandchild because he is an abuser and supports the man who raped and groomed me?

The rare contact I have had with my father he has been very forceful with ne saying "I WILL see my grandchild. You WONT stop me."

PLEASE help me understand what I should do.

You can stop him. It's your choice and he has no rights at all. Stay strong.

Stick to your guns, he will not see your child. If this means your brother will have to wait until he is older and away from the family, so be it. Your mental health is more important.
Can you go completely non contact with him? Might help the anxiety over the issue

You don't let him. Protect yourself and your child frm this man. Your baby-your decision. In 4 years your brother can make his own decisions about services g you and won't be cool nytolled by your father. Sounds like you've done a great job getting out of this situation and recognising how terrible it was. What other support do you have in real life? Rally it and stay strong!

Seeing you and controlled-autocorrected!

Is your brother safe?

A harrowing set of events, I really feel your pain in your post.

I didn't want to read and run, for me, I would be straight to the police about your abuser (cousin) but I appreciate at 31/40 you quite probably will not be of he mind set to do so. Do you know any of his other victims? would they make similar statements?

And go NC with your father. Ever.

Your brother. He's of an age where he can begin to make his own decisions. If you find you are blocked by wider family, write to him via school.

I would ring the NSPCC who will able to direct you accordingly with historic abuse.

My husband is brilliant. My mother is much better now and is treated for her MH, and understands exactly how I feel.
I have wonderful friends, supportive pregnancy consultant whom knows the whole story. I am very lucky now.

I am sorry to drip feed now- my father wants to meet me next weekend for my DH and I to drive my brother to my mums for a day contact. If I refuse to do so he won't allow my DM to see my DB for the first time in over a year.
I don't want to do this but if I don't my DM misses out and I also don't see my DB.

There will be specialist midwives who can help you as a survivor of abuse. Your father has no control over you and will not have custody of your brother forever. One day your brother can meet his nephew in your terns. Babies oblivious to who they meet. Do what's right for you.

I have thought about going to the police many times but I don't have any evidence and I know that because of the culture we are in no one else would testify or come forward as it's the 'women who are shameful and dirty' as opposed to grown men being child groomers and molesters. We are gypsys.

Go nc with your dad and contact your brother on FB. You can keep in contact without him using social media until he is able to see you

Unfortunately my brother isn't 'allowed' contact with me or my DM unless with my father, he also isn't allowed social media.

I am under no illusions that my DB, who is autistic is in a very vulnerable situation and it is utterly unforgivable of my father to put him there. Social services are aware of my allegations as my DM told them but without 'proof' they say it is irrelevant.

I have nothing helpful to say other than I think you're a wonderful woman. I too come from a culture where sexual abuse is the so called fault of the girl and it is swept under the carpet and minimised. The shame, the self blame is horrific and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. When I went to the police over ten years ago they were useless - I believe that may have changed now though. Good luck to you.

Go back to SS if two people tell them the same thing, surely they have to act? Have you sought out a SW who works with traveller families? They may understand your culture more than most.

How old is your brother? Have you informed Social Servicea?

Sorry just seen that you have been to Social Services.

I think you need to leave it to your DM to sort out the issue of seeing your brother. You still need to get right away to protect yourself and your child.

My brother is turning 15 in August. SS are fully aware of the allegations and our culture but they will not act unless my brother is in 'immediate danger or risk' and although the abuse has been discussed my father says it is entirely fabricated and accuses both myself and DM of being so mentally ill we would make it up... they say they are powerless to act without proof.

So sorry, Op, so sorry. In a past life I worked with traveller families and I know how 'closed' the culture is. Can you not go to one of your elders?

It's your responsibility to protect yourself and your child. You've reported the abuse of your brother. It's not on you to save everyone, and whatever happens to him is certainly not your fault. Prime time to look after yourself and your lo first, and just do anything you can to help him (e.g. Complaining to ss again) after.

I will protect my child above anything. I told DM she will not be seeing my DC unless she stops smoking and I stuck to it. my mother is now vaping- not ideal but much better.
I am still afraid of my father. I am still stuck in the FOG cycle.

I still, disturbingly, feel sorry for him which i know is maladaptive and learnt behaviour.
Can anyone advise me what to say to him? A short but clear message I can send by text.

Well done for getting yourself out of the situation. So sorry for the awful things that have happened to you.
Your priority must be the safety of your baby & yourself. Your father has no legal right whatsoever to see your baby & you can't let him, because that would be putting the baby at risk. Don't let him blackmail you or guilt you into agreeing. If he wants to see the baby tell him to apply to court, then you can tell the court about how dangerous he is.
Unfortunately you can't do anything to help your brother other than tell the police & ss again what has happened & ask them to investigate.

Congratulations on your pregnancy Firstly I'm sorry that this happened to you
Secondly protect your child at all costs

What a horrible situation for you op. If you collect your brother and take him to see your DM, can you explain to him on the journey that you will not allow your father to see your DC? Could you perhaps in the future take your DC to your brother's school and your father know nothing about it? Maybe you can find ways round keeping in contact with your brother, your father not being involved. School is perhaps a good route. Meanwhile your father has absolutely no rights at all to see your DC and every professional involved with you will support you in that. Take care.

Posted to soon

Your father sounds like a malignant narcissist and they are relentless you are particularly vulnerable at the moment and he will take advantage

Your first and only obligation is to your child protect them at all costs

Your mother is responsible for her children your brother in this case and that responsibility can't be transferred but it can be abdicated.this talk about your mother can only see her son if you go and bring your child. That's classic abuse making thee abused feel obligated how else do you think they coerced you into a sexual relationship.
You were almost given to your male cousin

Don't make the same mistake with your child.

These abusers are clever and manipulative even your mum is still an enabler because she's will to make you and your baby go to this meeting in order that she gets what she wants no one is thinking like a parent. That's what I would suggest you do

There are some fantastic charities that can help with historic abuse

If I were you I'd speak directly to social services don't tell your parents that's what you are doing I think they would be very interested indeed all this talk of evidence is designed to put you off reporting it

Historic cases are not treated in the same way

You have survived so much and are still being challenged. You are a very brave person. It takes great courage to stand up
to toxic people who have damaged you on so many levels. Your
father is doing his utmost to push all the buttons to regain control
of you and to start controlling your child. From your posts it seems
you are managing this all on your own (as we survivors usually do). What are your thoughts on some 'we' statements? Including your husband's support as it is also his child being used as a weapon against you.