My father who supports my rapists wants to see my baby

[thefutureisfemale]

Hi. I'm sorry for the distressing topic but I really need some help and advice.

I grew up as the middle child of three in an abusive household with a drug addicted father and an undiagnosed mentally ill mother.
When times were good they were great, when they were bad they were awful.
My father was physically abusive to an extreme extent and my mother 'disciplined' us physically also, but it was the mental and emotional abuse that really messed me up.

Every summer I spent with my fathers brothers family whom were wealthy, kind and what I thought 'good people.' I had an older male cousin by 9 years that I adored. He was funny, charming and made me feel special.

What I realise now is that I was groomed over the course of several years to trust this man entirely and not to doubt for a second that he had my best intentions at heart. It was an open secret that he was a sexual deviant and had had 'relationships' with young girls before but his family acted like it never happened.

At 16 I went to live permanently with his family and himself and a secret sexual relationship began. I was pushed into it through guilt, fear and obligation. I never told anyone till years later.
I became a heavy drinker, self harmed and tried to take my life almost a dozen times.

My father knows (as does everyone else now) and denies my cousin every coherced me into doing things and calls me a liar. He moved my 14 year old brother to live my rapist. Everyone knows what's happened and that my cousin is a predator, even his parents and other girls he abused but it's all hidden under the rug.

I got my life together, stopped drinking and got married and I am 31 weeks pregnant.
I have no contact with my rapist or his family and I never will again. I rarely speak with my father and feel like I will never forgive him for the abuse we suffered from him as kids and adults and how he supported my rapist and still does. I don't want him near me or my baby ever.

However, he has custody of my brother and won't allow him to meet the baby until he does himself. It's another one of his control tactics. Why do I feel guilty for this? Why do I feel bad that I don't want my father to see his grandchild because he is an abuser and supports the man who raped and groomed me?

The rare contact I have had with my father he has been very forceful with ne saying "I WILL see my grandchild. You WONT stop me."

PLEASE help me understand what I should do.

Please go to the police. You do not need anyone to 'testify' for you. There are hundreds of cases of historic sexual abuse that are successfully prosecuted without 'witnesses' - in fact most cases don't have anything other than the victim's word. And you'll be amazed once the process gets going. Please, for you, for closure, for your child and for your brother. I'd imagine he already has a struggle with his autism in your community xx

Oh Op, as a previous poster said, you can't save the world (sadly) but what you can do is protect yourself & your family. Don't engage or facilitate anything - your DB is up to your mum to sort out, not for you to get dragged into.

I'd tell her your not prepared to put yourself at risk.

Also, if you can, go to the Police & report what happened. They have a duty to investigate & can hopefully check on your DB.

Stay strong

Could you go to collect your brother, but take your Mum with you? Then your Mum does hand over, while you and husband stay out of sight somewhere in the car, and collect your Mum and brother when your dad has left?

FWIW I agree with everyone else, you should cut your father out, even if that means your brother doesn't see his nephew for a few years.

Wow, so much pressure on you, I'm so sorry OP.

I hate to say this but your mum's behaviour is abusive too, maybe not intentionally. You are feeling pushed into making decisions and taking responsibilities that aren't yours.

I'm not sure what you should do re your brother but def keep articulating to yourself and your father that this is HIS behaviour not yours at fault. It is his responsibility and his fault and his failing that your DB might not see his DM. And your DMs. Not yours.

Are you in Ireland? I'm sure there are many amazing things about growing up in the Traveller/Gypsy world but it does seem like a tough one for women and girls.

Sorry I haven't read every post but first of all you need to put yourself and your baby first, don't have any contact with your father, he is trying to blackmail you by using your brother. Secondly you need to go to social services about your concerns for your brother, there's no way your father should be stopping you from seeing him and it sounds like your father has full control over him due to him having autism, this is unfair and he is using your brother , don't ever think that people won't believe you, you don't know until you try and you. Ever know who may come forward to back you up.

Keep yourself safe, you are pregnant and you don't need this stress and upset put on you.

Is it possible for your husband to go solo to the handover of your brother. I think if your mother sees him again it will re establish contact and also might wake her up to claiming custody. You can also investigate whether your brother is on the receiving end of abuse from your father and then contact ss.

Your brother's needs may not be being met by your father and it would be interedting to know where his DLA payments go....

If we were to meet half way with my father and DB it would be in this scenario:

My hometowns service station. DB leaves fathers car and enters DH's and i's vehicle. We drive off. Drive 2 hours to DMs drop off DB and go home. IDEALLY.

I know my father would insist on making us stay at service station a while for 'coffee' with him.

DM can't drive anymore as she is on too many MH meds.

We live in England but are from Scotland. father lives in Scotland, DH and i live in England and DM lives 1.5-2 hours south of us also in England.

Father meets DB's basic needs.

Lots of money. Nice home. Clothes. Brand new technology. Fantastic car... holidays. Great lifestyle.
but we all know that means f/all when living with an abuser.

Walk tall thefutureisfemale, hold your head high, you've turned your life around despite the dreadful upbringing. Be proud of yourself.

Feel totally inadequate in what to say, but as others have posted, your baby, yourself and your DH come before anyone else. Sadly your DB will have to miss out for now – as you have shown, things in life can change.

And yes, you do have to be straight with your Mum. “Mum I'm not letting him into our lives and you should do the same” or words to that effect.

Of course you feel guilty, I do, many years after the abuse. In your case I think it's something to do with the way society constructs the concept of family and loyalty to it. You owe them nothing. Others may be able to explain better.

If I understand correctly your Mum mentioned the abuse to SS – so she's one witness and if others in the family know about it the Police will want to interview them, including your father.

Your Mum is very fortunate to have you around.

You've been so strong – keep it going.

Don't go. Really do not go. You cannot risk your mental health.

I think I would leave baby with DM or a friend, collect DB, say can't stop as getting home for baby. Then not facilitate DB's return journey.

I actually have quite a few 'witnesses'

The first person I told after it all happened was my fathers DP. Also my sister (she is also abusive but a product of the environment) and my mum. some friends.

But it is VERY well documented in my medical files. MH teams and GP, midwife and consultant.

Sorry I haven't had the baby yet/ I am 31 weeks pregnant. Father wants to see baby when it is born and this is his way of starting contact again I think.

Right, no contact with your father whatsoever, he supported and encouraged your abuse, and he might do that to your child, your first importance is your child's safety and wellbeing, not to mention, he does not deserve any contact with your child. If you are concerned about your vulnerable brother's well being, I would contact the Police and Social Services. Your father has no legal rights to your child. He would not get anywhere in court. He is just sprouting off abusive rubbish.

You are giving your father way too much power. Can your mother not drive or something? This handover shouldn't involve you at all.

If you insist on facilitating this, your DH can go alone and do the handover. He does not have to stay for a coffee. Just because your father says something does not mean you have to do it.

Your mother should be sorting this out, not you, using the courts if necessary.

As for your father insisting he sees your baby, you just say no. I would end all contact with your father. If your mother sorts out contact properly, you will still be able to see your brother.

I don't think you should do this.

It's classic abuser behaviour trying to make you feel as if you're responsible for some other harm (e.g. your DB and DM not getting to see each other). This is NOT your fault, or your responsibility. Your father is in control of this situation and he could do things differently to make it happen. Don't let your DM enable this although separated from your father, she is still playing the role of the enabler in his abusive behaviour towards you. She needs to accept that she and your father are responsible for whether she sees your DB -- not you.

I would just not do it and let them sort it out between them.

I really feel for you, and for your DB who is in the middle of it too. I echo what others have said about going to SS, or the police, and making a report. Your words are the evidence that you have. You can only do what you can -- but you might regret not doing the most you could.

Think of it, this way, your dad is a paedophile, he set up that grooming situation with his brother and family. Would you let your child see or come in contact with a paedophile, because that is what it is!

Whocansay - OP's DM's MH meds prevent her from driving.

Hi thefutureisfemale,

So sorry for the situation you are in. As others I still feel both your parents are still abusive towards you including your mother. However your mother is trying to change by treating her illness, hope she makes a full change eventually.

But I do wonder, can you trust your mother now?

Is she fighting for cutody of your brother? No.

Is she willing to relocate your brother so he can have a safe life? No.

Is she tryining to arrange you8r own transport so she can protect you from your abusive father? No.

I am afraid a loving parent would do all of the above. And would not balme you for contact / no contact with brother as that is entirely the parents' rersponsibility, not a siblings.

I am so sorry, it should not all be put on you. As a last resort can you help pay for a car share / tayi / uber whathever / as a lift from a friend for you mum for pick-up? Or take your brother to yours and you can then take him to your mother. Your father does not need to know who will arrive at the petrol station.

As almost everyone has said, don't go.

Abusers always use things like this, emotional ties, to reel people back in.

Cut him out and keep him out.

I know my father is a rapist and paedophile apologist and enablier/ I am under no illusions @ aeroflotgirl

I am asking advice on how to deal with the situation. As an abuse victim it's very hard to 'just say no' to my father seeing DC (even though that's what I will ultimately do) because the abuse has ruined my brain and I FEEL RESPONSIBLE!

You asked for short and straight to the point for your father well No and Fuck Off is pretty short and straight to the point.
I understand your dilemma but saving your Mum from being hurt IS NOT YOUR RESOONSIBILITY. You have a baby on the way and you need to protect him or her the same responsibility your mum had to you. You cannot be manipulated by your father and if that means your DM cannot meet your DB well so be it.
Do you know anyone else who your cousin has abused? Could you put together a list of abused so it's not just your word against theirs.

I think you have to consider cutting them all out of your life for your own sanity.

What an awful situation for you. I agree with you - your father is using this 'visit' as a way of getting back into your life. That is the only reason he is doing this. it has nothing to do with allowing your DB to visit your DM. You sound pretty clued in to the power games even though you still suffer with the effects of his control.

The blackmail (thats what it is) of your DBs visit must be met with resistance. You MUST retain control of your life and you must blinker yourself to the fact that he is using your DB as an emotional weapon. Please listen to others advice about going back to SS or police. What would your father do if you threatened to do that? If he thought you really would go to the police with witnesses etc would he 'allow' your DB to come and live with you? If he thinks he has even a modicum of control over you he will use it. You must show him that he has no control at all. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

@ontherise thank you for your kindness. I know logically I did not deserve the abuse but it's very hard to apply that logic to myself? My father blames me for being abused, my mother said it's my fault my brother is autistic because I traumatised him when I removed him from her care when she had a breakdown and took him to my rapists parents house- (before I knew he was grooming me of course.)

You're welcome to and deserving of kindness. And yes, I know what you mean about it being hard to apply that logic to yourself: when you've been told for years or decades how awful you are and how you're to blame for everything of course you doubt yourself.

But here's the thing. You were NOT to blame for the abuse, you were NOT to blame for your brother's autism. Your parents are both vile to tell you that you were. Your mother and your father both. How DARE they say that? How COULD they be so cruel? Shame on them.

I would have DB here with us of course. We have a stable, happy home. I have lots of prenatal support, DH has a decent income- only £20k a year or so but we manage fine and we are a safe place. My father wouldn't ever allow it.

It might not be up to your father to "allow" it, though. Your brother is a vulnerable child, with special needs, and is living with a known abuser. Social services should be desperate to get him out of there. They have failed you too.

Do you think you could bring yourself to report your abuser to the police? He deserves it, you deserve the vindication it would bring (even if it doesn't go to court, it's amazingly helpful having the police listen to you, take you seriously, and tell you how wrong it was). It might help you, it might help your brother too. If you do, don't worry on the effect it would have on your family. They caused the problems, now let them deal with the fallout.

And if I were you I'd cut all contact with both your parents. They're nasty, spiteful, manipulative and cruel. You don't need them in your lives. Focus instead on your lovely husband and your soon-to-be baby. You've done so well to build a loving home. That's a huge step.